2003-09-25

Indeed, it has been quite some time since I last clicked on the blogger link to type out some words... Within this short period of time, many things have happened... More good than bad, I would suppose, but meanwhile, I would like to say that I have somehow lost the momentum to blog, and only when something happens and I would really wanna express my thoughts about it, then would I be inspired to write again.

And this something, is almost surely a sad thing, because I don't really need to complain about happy things, do I?

Alright here it goes, and I am really sorry that my first post after a long time is so pessimistic (Perhaps it will turn into a happier tone after I finish blogging about my discontent).

The guys I like, all seem to think and consider for centuries before they make their decision to be together with a girl. What do I mean? Okie, lets consider the past few guys that I have liked. Chronologically, Adryan, Eddy, and then Jeremy.

All of them keep telling me that they dunno me well enough to be together with me, and vice versa. ("we have just known each other for 4 months, you don't even know me well enough to be sure you like me" etc)

I have always associated this trend with smart people.

For example, in rural Indonesia, people get together easy. A farmer sees a village girl, and he asks her, "Hey, do you menstrate every month regularly?". The girl says Yes. The farmer would then smell the girl a little to check for body odour. If there is none, he marries her and continues to have some 8 children who grow up on wheats.

Now, intelligent men think different. Before making yet another mistake in a relationship and thus wasting their time, money and energy, they consider factors to see if the girl is a suitable person for them before rushing into a relationship. Factors like communication. Character flaws. Chemistry. Fetishes. Whatever. So they will build the relationship on friendship first, and only after 50 years of friendship will they get together with the girl, although by then whatever good points you might have associated with her could be gone, eg big perky boobs.

So, my point is, whenever I see couples together, I would think to myself... Did they get together easy? Did the guy just snap his fingers and hoola, the girl is an official gf to bring home to show mum?

(Since stupid people get together easy and marry early and give birth to more babies, we can predict that the world is gonna be a stupider place in future, but its a long topic, so go figure yourself whether this is true)

I look at these couples, and think to myself: Should I settle for someone who rushes into relationships? Ah bengs, for example. Or Eric, Henry, and Nondescript guy, all of which asked for my number? Or desperate guys? Am I THAT desperate for a bf?

I would proceed to take a closer look at the male counterpart of the couple I am looking at, and think to myself, "Come on, Wendy... Even if he is intelligent enough not to rush into a relationship, would you accept this fellow as your bf?"

I would then scruntinise a little further, and realise that the guy did not cut his toenails, wears his t-shirt tucked in, is freaking ugly, and etc things that I cannot accept in a bf... I would proceed to violently shake my head in public, which is thoroughly embarrassing btw, but can't be helped, and tell myself that I should settle for nothing less than what is stated in my Boyfriend Criteria List.

BCL states that

- Bf must be good looking. I'm sorry, blame me for being superficial, but I simply cannot bring myself to kiss an ugly person. I'm sorry, ugly people, but you all should consider plastic surgery. Oh btw? I am removing all my comments links so that you ugly people will not have the pleasure of dissing me in public. You can always email me with a stupid RE like "FUCK OFF YOU BITCH" and I will cleverly delete your mail without opening it.

- Bf must be smart. I am sorry, dumb people, but I have nothing to say to you all. Dumb people dun understand my jokes, thats why there are spammers in this site. In other words, my boyfriend cannot be a spammer too.

- Bf must have sense of humour. Yes. I dun want the male version of shu nus to be my bf. He must be able to make me laugh, and laugh with me.

Thats it. Three simple criteria, is that very difficult to find? Some people will be thinking now, "Wah lau, please lor, you want a guy who is cute, smart, and funny. Look at yourself in the mirror first lor... You think you can match up to that standard meh?"

Yes. I can. If I insist I can, no one can say I cannot. I know I am not ugly for sure. I am not dumb either. So why should I let any one of my criteria slip? I shall not stop hunting till I find the right guy (who likes me back, which is the difficult part).

Anyway, my point is.

Today in the MRT I saw this couple again. Frankly speaking, they are ugly. Its ok to be ugly of course (as long as you are not trying to be my bf), but their paws were all over each other, and thats disgusting. Its really sad to be ugly because if Gigi Leung and Aniki Jin had their nice manicured paws over each other on the MRT we would film it down and think how wonderful god's creations are over and over again as we watch the tape. (but of course this is once again another topic altogether, and maybe I will talk about it another time).

So. I asked myself the usual question. Did they go through a tough time before getting finally together too? Would I settle for the fellow even if he wanted me?

I proceeded to control my violent head shaking a little and turned to face my left.

And there, directly in front of me, was this cute girl.

I noticed that she has a small bandage over her arm, the kind we get after injections.

I was just considering whether I would agree to be lesbians with her if she wanted it when I realised she is straight. Of course. The fellow sitting beside her is fucking handsome. If I could get a guy like that, I would remain straight too.

He was in a sleeveless top and muscles were bulging beneath the smooth golden skin.... A chiselled jawline, sharp nose, and he honoured his gf with a groin melting smile while my knees buckled.

And then I realised. Fucking hell. This fellow was from my secondary school. I know he is. Now there a thing about River Valley. The guys are quite hideous. There is the occasional relatively good looking one, but there is no fucking cute guy. Certainly not this standard.

In secondary school, he looked like shit. No one would have taken a second look at him. And now, he has grew up to be a cutie, and I have lost my only chance of ever being with him when I could see him everyday for 3 years in the past.

Urghhhhhhhhhhh. I looked down at the slippers I wore. Plastic blue flip flops, courtesy of my brother. Fake Gucci bag. Unshaved shins beneath cheap caprises (if thats how its spelt). Face scrubbed nice of make-up. Very very bad hair day. I'm usually not this ugly, but today I just went to school for project meetings and there is no need to dress up.

Not that I would have stood a chance anyway.

He looked at no other women all this while except his gf, and gingerly, he put his arm around her shoulder. Usually the fingers would be wrapped around the arm, but his were hoverly gently just above her arm, careful not to touch her skin. He then smiled at the girl and poked a finger some 5 cm below her injection, and asked if is hurts here.

The girl pouted a little, nodded, and said, "a bit numb numb like that lor". They laughed a little and his arm remained there, his nice fingers now wrapping around her elbow, a safe distance from the wound.

How heart-breakingly sweet. I hoped the person sitting beside the girl would give her a cruel jab in the wound just to break the scene into something less diabetic. But no such thing happened, as the auntie shoving her children around couldnt care less about my feelings, so I proceeded to ask myself the usual questions.

Did they get together easy too? And even if the guy wants me, do I want him?

And for the first time in the many many times I saw couples and asked myself that question, I realised it is a "Yes".

How very saddening. I msged Eileen to complain that I am sick of seeing couple around, and that I just want Jeremy, why can't he just be with me, and stuff. She managed to cheer me up a little, but I felt very much alone again. So, I went to Bukit Batok Library to return my books, and sat there from 330 till 6 to read happy children's books where there are no sex involved.

I finished Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, where thankfully Charlie did not mention about how totally wonderful and loved Mr Willy Wonka made him feel, or how he felt that Grandpa Joe was the only person he would really "make love to" instead of just having sex with or how he felt Grandpa Joe was "the one" for him and how they lived happily ever after.

I still felt slightly nauseous when I reached home and after I took a nap, so I started to call people to relieve some misery.

Scrolling down my phone book, I called Adryan first. We talked for a short while, and I realised he is attached. What the fuck. Not to Xiao feng though, thankfully. He had to get some work done so he hung up fast.

I called Bernard. I asked if I could go to his place to use his samsung cable, since he has a V200, as my com can't seem to detect my phone being there (Oh yeah I bought my beautiful T500, but thats another issue altogether).

He said "Ermm.. No..."

"Why?"

"You know I got gf liao right?"

Why on EARTH would I know he has a gf? Anyway, thats a signal for me to fuck off, so I did.

And then I called Eddy next.

"Are you attached as well?", I asked.

And so he is. How wonderful!!!

Whos next? Both chronologically and alphabetically, it is Jeremy.

And then I realised something. Everyone whom I liked and doesnt like me have been lying about waiting to decide if getting together is the right thing to go. I realised, bitterly, that all of them possibly just enjoyed the fucking attention I gave to them while I idiotically did sweet things for them, etc. If they fucking liked to be friends with the bloody girl before getting together with her, why did they get attached so bloody fast to the other girls? And WHO ARE THE BLOODY LUCKY GIRLS!!!

Why, why is life so fucked up?

Everyone is lying to me. I hate everyone.

I think. I shall stop liking Jeremy. Even if I persevere, nothing is gonna come out of it. I delete his number now, and I will never have the pain of knowing he is fucking someone else.

*****

Oh no my mood has not improved. I think I shall start thinking how I will destroy both Eddy's and Adryan's weddings should they ask me to attend.

Aha. I would put Viagra into the groom's drink, and that way, he would be too embarrassed to prance around with a bulging crotch. What a marvellous idea. I am ingenious.

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