One upon a time there was this woman who looked like Cher. She may have once been beautiful, who knows? But now, she just looks scary beyond all reason.
So anyway, 17 years ago this woman had sex with an albino, and after that, she got a baby daughter who looks really pretty, and her face was white as snow, her hair a jet black, and her lips red as blood. The proud mother called her Snow White.
The albino daddy of Snow White decided to turn gay, so the mother brought her baby daughter to the local pub where she could drown all her sorrows. Alas, she got drunk again, but this time, the one night stand turned out to be a Prince! The desperate Prince was forced by his dying mum to marry a fat and ugly princess from the next country before he could be King, so he decided to marry Snow White's mum instead, faking his mum that Snow White was his daughter but he was just afraid to acknowledge her a year ago.
The Prince's mother died and the Prince was made King, making Snow White a princess.
Now there's a problem. As the Queen got older and more wrinkled, the King seems to eye beautiful Snow White more and more. One day, the Queen saw the King touch Snow White's hands lustily!
The King and Snow White jumped apart.
"My King, it has been long since you gave me a gift.... I want a servant who can tell me how beautiful I am everyday, because apparently my daugther is getting more attractive than me, isn't she?!! HUH?!"
The King gave a loud grunt and heck cared the Queen, so the angry Queen smacked the King on the head with a piece of Char Siew.
"Oww~! That fucking hurts! What was that for? And where did that piece of thing come from?!"
"Its for ignoring me, you bastard! And its apparently called a Char Siew, this thing. Someone mailed it to me. I find no use for it except to whack you."
"Whatever. You are a wrinkled as Lee Kwan Yew."
"Who is that?!"
"Some Chinese man which our prophet says will be the most wrinkled man on Earth in future."
"Our prophet always talks bullshit! Ask him to predict the next war and he will say something like, 'Do-do birds will be extinct.' Wtf? Do-do birds will never be extinct, they are everywhere! What an idiotic prophet we have!"
The King took advantage of the situation, grabbed the Char Siew, and smacked the Queen on the head.
"Go get urself that magic mirror in my room and stop yakking and yakking! Leave me alone with Snow White!"
"I thought you loved that mirror?", the Queen asked.
"It used to tell me my dick is the longest in the world but now it refuses to look at it since I tried to shove it into its mouth."
"YOU WHAT? DISGUSTING BASTARD!"
"I am King. I do whatever I want."
So anyway, the Queen got hold of the mirror.
"Mirror mirror on the wall, tell me, whos the fairest of them all?"
The guy in the mirror woke up, and said, "Michael Jackson after his bleaching? No. Actually, Snow White. Duh. Did you even for a moment think it was you? You are scary beyond all reason! Anyway, wait till you hear what that husband of yours did to me!"
The Queen gave the mirror no chance to do that. She whacked it with the piece of Char siew and it smashed into a million pieces.
"Lai ren ah!", she screamed. "Kill Snow White for me! "
Luckily for Snow White, she was hiding behind the door when all these happened.
She ran to the well, and started to sing about how some day her prince will come.
Walking idly, she arrived at this little hut. Being the rude and ill-mannered princess she is, she walked into the hut without knocking, and saw 7 little dwarves watching soccer in underwear. One of them was reading a porn magazine.
You think Liang Po Po is the ugliest thing since evolution, but you have no idea. A dwarf in underwear is infinitely worse. Snow White screamed in horror.
But too bad for Snow White. A scream is the last thing she should have done, because it immediately idenifies her as a lady and what would seven ugly men living alone want?
A maid of course.
The dwarves shoved Snow White into the room, and started to get her to clean up the house, while they continued drinking ale while watching soccer.
With this, Snow White lived for a few months. She particularly hated Sneezy the dwarf coz he always throws his used tissues around. Snow White was held prisoner because she was too dumb to unlock the door.
In case you are wondering why the dwarves are not sexually interested in Snow White, it is because Snow White is too big for them. In physical size.
So anyway, one day the dwarf called Grumpy decided to let Snow White have an apple and take a rest, coz Snow White cleaned his room particularly well that day. What he doesn't know is that Snow White hates him and have put chilli powder into his underwear, but I guess what he doesn't know wouldn't hurt him.
Snow White took a bite and decided to act like she died. She somehow had this feeling that this would get her out of the house. She also read in several story books that a kiss from a prince will revive the dead, and it seems that princes only like to kiss dead girls? So she will pretend to be dead and come to life when a prince kisses her! She tried not to think how disgusting it is if it were the dwarves to kissed her instead.
And what if it was Lee Kwan Yew who kissed her? Oh no! But she will have to take chances.
The dwarves found Snow White dead and shoved her into the forest to rot, and got on with their lives.
Snow White laid on the ground, sobbing in her heart, as the forest is a dreadful place and she feels really sorry for herself that she has to live her life this way. Where should she go? She can't even go home, her mum will (literally) kill her! And she didn't dare open her eyes, she was scared the dwarves would still be there; scared of what she will see...
Suddenly, she heard steps of a horse and a man... Not light steps like those of the dwarves... Steps of a real man... And the air was filled with the sensual smell of Davidoff purfume... Ah... What arousal...
Snow White knew there was hope. It must be her Prince!! She prayed and prayed that her cleavage can be seen... and that her hair covered that stupid pimple she just got.
The Prince bent down, and gave Snow White a deep, tongue wrestling, lip-locking kiss, which took away Snow White's breath and melted her heart. She could feel his sharp nose and chiselled face against hers, and his luscious lips; they are oh, so soft....
Snow White fluttered her long dark eyelashes open, to see a hunky, dark-haired man with dark brown curls looking at her lovingly...
"Oh, you must be my prince!", Snow White exclaimed.
"Yes.... You are beautiful, my Princess...."
"Are u gonna marry me?"
"Yes, my dear..."
"Do you gamble, drink excessively, and watch soccer all the time?"
"No, no, and no..."
"Will you promise to only love me and never have sex with other women, men, or animals?"
"Children as well. And dead people."
"Oh, alright. I suppose you are pretty enough for me to promise that."
"Are you rich?"
"Yes. I am a millionaire."
"Do you have a eight inch number and can last more than 15 minutes?"
"Its 9 and a half to be exact. And I can last for 2 hours."
"Oh my God you are perfect!"
"And I love you, my princess... There... You must be tired.. Let me ride you on horseback to my castle..."
"Yes, yes my Prince..."
With that, Snow White travelled for 3 days on the Prince's horse.
She arrived at a construction site.
"Oh, the castle is still building?", she queried.
"Uhmmmm...", the Prince mumbled.
"Actually I've got something to tell you. My name is Joe Millionaire."
Snow White vomitted blood and died on the spot, this time for real.
Oh no I am so bo liao. LOL