I was on the bus, on my way home.
Feeling very drained. It's late and after a day's work. The night's gloomy and dank.
Boarding 176, the two-tiered kinda bus, I sourced for a seat, but seemingly with no avail.
'What the fuck is wrong with these people,' I spoke in a whisper to myself. 'Is there a new disease that hits the ass of whoever moves to the inside of the seat?!'
Indeed, everyone was happily sitting on the aisle seat. Did anyone care that a stupid tired intern doesn't want to go pass their knees to get a decent seat? No, of course not.
I walked on. After all, it's a long journey till the end of the bus, and there must be hope�
AHA! A SEAT! Can you believe it?! This scrawny uncle was sitting on the� inside!!! I moved in thankfully.
Not wanting to disturb his serene demeanour (he had this I-am-going-to-achieve-nirvana-do-not-speak-one-word look), I sat with my knees facing out.
Just as I was about to sink into the comfort of my 80c ride, I heard a snigger.
And more sniggers. From the seat behind. High pitched ones.
WHO COULD IT BE SNIGGERING SO EVILLY!! Could it be� Dr Evil?
I wanted to turn around and poke the person which my Loreal mascara wand, but because of society's norms and freedom (no mental institute for me), I decided to let it go. Let it go, let it go.
And she sniggered again.
I listened hard. Oh oh!! She started to speak.
"Mommy mommy�" the sniggerer said in an amazingly auntie voice for someone who says 'mommy mommy'. "Look at her!" she said in Mandarin.
I imagine, if I had a face behind my head, her fat fingers must be pointing directly in between my eyes.
BITCH. What about me, speak!
And she did.
"She sitting with daddy," she chirped very matter-of-factly, as if her mother must be blind, her dad is has never sat with anyone else on the bus, and I chose, of all the NUMEROUS empty seats, to sit with her nirvana dad. Oh yeah little girl, I don't think I had a bloody choice! That was the only seat!
Dad did not stir.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a sinister finger advancing towards me!!!!!!
Everyone on the bus gasped!! She reached for her father's shoulder, and in one poke of hers, broke the enlightenment he was trying to achieve.
"Yes?" the dad said gently, apparently in mock patience. I believe, he is deeply regretting having sex that fruitful 6 years or so ago. "WHY!!! WHY DID I EJACULATE!" he must be thinking.
For that shrieky voice is more than anyone can bear.
She poked him again. And again.
"She choose to sit with you leh Daddy!" she exclaimed, not unlike a 70s matchmaker woman.
"Hmmm..." said the ever-patient father.
She didn't let it go at that. She repeated herself around 2,383 times. I blushed. My hand reached into my bag for that mascara wand... No!! I told myself. She is but a young girl! I must, forgive!
The birth-giver spoke.
"Yeah lor, pretty girl sitting with daddy leh! This one is a mei nu you know?" (mei nu=beauty)
Ahhh, I smiled. This is better! ALTHOUGH! I didn't CHOOSE to sit beside scrawny uncle. There were no more seats!
Just as I was grinning in self-delight, the mother asked the little girl : "She pretty or not?"
I listened hard.
No response. I can imagine her shaking her stupid head like it's really cute and everyone loves her.
SCREW YOU LA! I am a mei nu ok!! Maybe, just maybe, she didn't find the back of my head very captivating. If so, I forgive her young ignorance.
Like mother, like daughter. The mother is not as nice as I assumed!
"Pretty what," she said loudly enough for the bus to hear (and also confirming that the girl said I am not pretty). "I ask you ah girl, mummy pretty or she pretty?"
I vomited blood. Nirvana Uncle hid his face under this armpit.
"YOU PRETTIER!" came the swift reply.
(Author�s note: This part onwards is fiction)
I could STAND IT NO LONGER! I stood up, turned around, and got even more furious! For the mum is fugly!
I took out my light sabre!!!!
Swish swosh!!!!! I waved it around in a maniacal manner. SHE MADE ME ANGRY!!!
In one swift movement, I chopped down her silly head. Blood stained the Hello Kitty T-shirt she was wearing! YOU THINK YOU ARE CUTE? NOW YOU ARE BLOODY DEAD CUTE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The mum looked on in horror, while her husband, head still under armpit, was oblivious that my light sabre �
Let me reillustrate it�s powers
- got rid of a house pest for him! What is he doing hiding there? He should be thanking the lords that I chose to (wait, I didn't CHOOSE to) sit beside him on the fucking bus!
I laughed deeply as the bus of people all looked at my pink light sabre as if it must be the ultimate destructive weapon! They are right! It is capable of slaying a thousand dragons!
TV Mobile played Gotcha! for the millionth time, the wiping bird shit episode. I got so pissed with Rui En's face, I used the gentlest of pokes on the TV and it burst into magnificent flames.
THAT WILL TEACH TV MOBILE TO KEEP PLAYING GOTCHA!, the suckiest show on earth!
Back to the mother. She got so pissed scared, she just stood there trembling. THUS IS THE POWER OF THE PINK LIGHT SABRE!!!
I waved it around a bit and skillfully shaved her eyebrows off.
"Oh please!" she said, kneeling down. "Don�t kill me, mei nu!!"
"OH NOW YOU KNOW WHO's THE MEI NU huh??!" I shouted at her so thunderously, her hair blew backwards.
I told the bus driver to stop, and I used my sabre to crash open the fucking doors.
I threw the severed body out of the bus. For fun, I severed it even more first. She squirmed.
"That will teach you," I said vehemently. "To never allow your children to lie again."
I walked out of the bus like a real hero and took a second, less bloody 176 home.