2004-07-04

Beached.

I know I know, it has been centuries since I last blogged - and it's for an extremely stupid reason. I've been rereading Harry Potters (all five of them).

So now, after finishing the very thick Goblet of Phoenix and Order of Fire, let's rewind many days to the 21st of June - which was Wong the Lawyer's birthday. Read last year's!

So. We all know, from her name, that she's a lawyer. Well, until she finishes her exams with honours, that is. She actually wanted to call herself Lucy The Lawyer or something but I told her lawyers are not supposed to have sexual names. I mean, how would Lolita the Lawyer sound to you?

But anyway, she's in China now, so we can speak badly of her while she scales the Great Wall of China. What she is doing in China, I have no idea. Actually I have a shrewd idea. I think she's escaping from luuuuuve (obviously not returned by the other party), so will the certain person please returns Wong's luuuve, else she'll jump down the wall and land neatly on the other side (or die), and we'll all miss our favourite law student.

I remember last year (which the aid of a certain blog entry), how we (plus Ghimz and XF and PY and Bixian) watched LOTR under the stars to celebrate her birthday for her.

This year, me and Wong went to watch Connie And Carla under the stars too, although it was just a few days after her birthday.

Snapping back to the present, apparently Wong the lawyer, despite her honorary name, is none the smarter after one year.

Last year, we got scolded while we were watching LOTR by the unworthy pieces of leeches siding in front of us (read the blog entry, it's funny). They apparently told us they didn't need a commentary while watching LOTR, although I personally felt that we were doing them a favour - obviously they didn't look like they had enough brains to know that Frodo was being chased by nine dementors.

Speaking of LOTR, OH OH OH CAN WE DIGRESS CAN WE DIGRESS?

Of course we can, it's my blog. Sorry, Wong.

Random exboyfriend #092

I had this ex boyfriend of mine, who's so **** ****** (in case he's reading this), that I can't believe I didn't kill him to prevent from him spawning.

Oh yeah I've just learnt a new insult from someone's blog. Apparently, you can say that someone's so skinny, any skinner, and her eyes would have to be stacked on each other, ha ha. But seems that the certain someone is not really skinny, but I'll let that pass.

Back to the topic of stupid boyfriend; let's call him KS for short.

So this KS - I was with him with I was in sec 3, while he was a year older. He was OBSESSED with Evelyn Tan (yes, the one copulating with Darren what-ever). I was alright with her, although one can almost predict I would hate her for her oh-so-shu-nu performances while she was still in MediaCorp. TCS. Whatever.

KS had Miss Tan's photo pasted in his wallet, being the adolescent obsessed teenager he is. I tried to convince him that ET (her abbreviation, not the shiny-finger-Martian) has an extremely fat face and an annoying voice that sounds like she is reporting the news, PLUS HER EARS STUCK OUT, but he didn't listen. Oh no, he was blinded. I may add that I asked him to put my photo in that wallet instead of ET's fat face, and he said no.

I hated Evelyn Tan from then on.

I also kindly reminded him that statistics have shown that the least popular shows that year had her as lead actress in first and third positions, but he defiantly told me that he still loves her.

I was jealous!! Seething jealous!!

Then, my mum, obviously fearful that I will fail every of the nine subjects I took in sec school, set the time limit for using the phone at 10pm. I'm not supposed to get calls after 10pm.

So, I called him at 8.30pm, and I wanted to talk of course. That's part of what a couple should do right? Contact at least once a day??!

He said he wanted to bathe, and will call me later.

At 9pm, I called again since he didn't give as much as an alphanumeric page.

He said vengefully that I shouldn't disturb him, as THE RETURN OF THE CONDOR HEROES was about to start, and he didn't want to miss Evelyn dear.

DUH.

The more sane of us would remember that that particular show involved a very pretty Fann Wong, a less wrinkled Christopher Lee (Fann was raped, remember now?) and a very fake looking Condor which Gollum would have sniggered at. In fact, I remember that Eileen and I used to say our principal looks like the condor, but let's not get digressed in the middle of a digression.

But a small small part was Evelyn Tan. She was the evil Pan Ling Ling's disciple - and she appeared every 25 episodes or so, and I remembered that her hair looks like a curry puff.

Our KS insisted on guarding the telly in case she comes on.

So he told me, "I'll call u at 10pm".

I yelled at him saying something like, "YOU KNOW I CAN'T TALK AFTER 10!!!"

He insisted on hanging up.

I cried, called Eileen for a while, and she told him I wanted a breakup. Ha ha, so cute and childish.

He said, "OK lor".

I never forgave Evelyn Tan. I took a copy of I weekly, cut out her picture, and stuck it on one of the rungs on the ladder to my double decked bed, and made sure I step vehemently on her fat face before I go to bed every night.

Fast forward a few years, and KS called me up, and asked me if I wanted to meet up with him. I vaguely remembered that he's obsessed with Evelyn, and that his brother drives a porsche and he drives a BM (daddy's rich), and he's quite ok looking, so I agreed.

So anyway, we were crossing the road (disappointingly, his license was revoked because of drunk driving. Sad, else he might have had some hot sex from me since BM drivers get the most sex) when I pressed the thing that's supposed to turn the red man green so we can all cross the road safely.


KS: You shouldn't have done that!

Me: WHY??

KS: We should have jaywalked! Now you see, the stupid man turn green already la!

Me: So?

KS: Then all the cars must stop for you? So inconsiderate!

Me: *opens and closes mouth in shocked silence*


So, I was supposed to risk my life crossing that damned road so that a few cars would get some consideration. As if that wasn't enough for warning of what's gonna happen next.

KS and I watched the first of the trilogy of LOTR. (thus the digression)

"Have you read the book?" I asked, thinking I already knew the answer. KS would rather have slapped Evelyn Tan a million times than read a book. "A book!" I can imagine him sneer in Mandarin. "Only mad people read them."

We watched the movie, and KS was enjoying it, I could tell. Until the scene where Fordo and Sam stood watching Mordor from a hilltop in a scared but determined manner - and the credits came up.

"OEI, WHY LIKE THAT??" he shouted in a very angry manner. You would think the show wasn't even good.

"What you mean why?"

"WHY NO ENDING? HANG THERE LIKE THAT? WASTE MY MONEY!"

I laughed, but KS was mirthless - and looking like he was about to slap me.

"You didn't know meh? It's supposed to be like that!"

"What you mean? No movies are supposed to hang there like that! Every movie has an ending!"

"Got what! Like... Like Harry Potter also!"

"NO! HARRY POTTER HAS AN ENDING! He captured the evil guy what!"

He has a point. "Starwars? Anyway, that's not important! The fact is that it is supposed to be three parts? Don't you know what 'trilogy' means?"

"*vulgarties* I don't care what three-lo-gi! It cannot like that, waste my money! Then, when's the next one?"

"Next year christmas."

"WHAT? ASK PEOPLE TO WAIT ONE YEAR TO WATCH IT? SIAO!"

"Well, it's like that."

"Cannot be! No such thing. There is no such thing one."

"What do you mean? It's like that what! Second episode is Two towers, and the third is Return of the King."

"There is no such thing," he said obstinately. I felt like slapping him. "I'll bet you," he added. "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS that there wouldn't be a next episode next year. No such thing as three part movie."

"Ok, you say one ah!"


Now, we are all in year 2004, and he has obviously been proven wrong, but I think he would come up with some crap argument to not pay that $500, so I didn't contact him.

Oh. This wraps up random exboyfriend #086's info.

******************

Back to Wong the Lawyer

Last year got scolded.

This year, she almost got us killed.

That's exaggerating, of course - she in fact, almost had us all trapped in Pulau Hantu where we would have to survive on coconuts and raw fishes for the rest of our lives and regular fishermen would boat up and promptly rape us for fun. And there we would all remain, none of us able to blog anymore! The horrors!!

Let me start illustrating her evil plans.

In the pretense of wanting to look like she is very rich in future, Wong the Lawyer went to get her boating license.

She also told us - It's her birthday, so let's go on a boating trip!

Luckily for Potty Peiying, she was feeling unwell, and Dong the Dumb was in Thailand, and Ghim the Giam was in Taiwan.

I was, however, trapped in Singapore. I agreed, since that's the best I can give her as I didn't get her a present.

We gathered our old classmates - Seok Hui, Wenling, Wansi and Dianna (pronounced as Dian-na-na because of the double n).

AND WE FORM THE CAST OF ...



WHERE ARE THE RIVER VALLEY GIRLS?




Please note: The rest of the story is supposed to be read in a deep male voice, and not my shu-nu one.


One fine day, birthday girl EeKean was out with her River Valley friends. She booked a boat weeks after she got her boating license.



The yacht club looks welcoming and it was a bright sunny day. But little did law student Ee Kean, 21, know that it would be she and her friends' last day in sunny Singapore ... (ominous silence)

In all enthusiasm, they boarded the little boat called Little Fairy (self-invented).



Little Fairy was last seen on the shores of Pulau Hantu, looking insulted - but isolated.

Unbeknownst to the dangers coming to them, the crew set out looking happy.


Some of them looked ugly as well - without the usual make up.

Wendy, 21, famous for her pink blog site, was the only one in a lifejacket, as she gave little trust to Eekean's boating skills.

Soon, they saw the beautiful shores of Pulau Hantu - but did they know, that Hantu means Ghost in Malay, and for a reason?



Nonetheless, they unloaded in glee.



Please note the position of the boat.

A few hours of frolicking around Pulau Hantu, which is extremely boring, and human-less except for a few bangalas, all 6 girls got bored, and they tried to return to Little Fairy, the only thing which can bring them back to Singapore, where their loved ones and internet connection is ...

BUT.


THEY WERE BEACHED. Beached, like a fat whale.



How it turned 180 degrees into this position, no one knew.

The boat, now inches deep into the sand, was as immobile as the leaning tower of Pisa. No doubt, this was due to the extremely shallow shores of Pulau Hantu, and not young EeKean's fault, as she had superb boating skills.

Misleadingly, the crew members look a little too happy in this picture.

They were actually very forlorn.



They dug and dug, but with no avail. The boat remained where it is. ARE THEY DOOMED TO BE THE FIRST CITIZENS IN PULAU HANTU? OR ARE THEY GOING TO BE THE HANTUs THEMSELVES?!

Sunset came. Darkness was about to envelop them. They watched as the sky and sea became a same colour, the horizon clear of any signs of rescuers ...


Just as the crew members were dejectedly thinking that they were to be stuck here forever, a shooting thing appeared in the sky, and dropped something on Little Fairy's stern ...





WHAT COULD IT BE?? It must be a hideous monster!!! Behind, Eekean panics and calls the police!

Brave blogger Wendy flipped the cretin over ...



Millions of jelly-like suckers wiggled around ...



Chey. What an anti climax. It's just starfish.

Wendy tried to make them have sex.



Maybe not the right time, since they were all scrutinized by humans. Didn't know starfish were shy ... Or maybe the starfish were the same sex ... or maybe they didn't like it missionary? Lotsa reasons.

In any case, let MISSING illustrate to you why starfish are not taking over the world! That's because Starfish are extremely stupid.

You would think, that it's year 2004, and all animals should have evolved into better adaptation of this Earth. Cockroaches can now fly, and even males tortoises have a concave on their underbellies to aid shorter penis-ed tortoises to have easy sex doggy styled.

A simple thing like flipping yourself over if you were flipped the wrong way - should have been settled after so many years of evolution yeah?

Oh, but no. Starfish remain as dumb as ever. It's not their fault of course. Maybe God wasn't fair, or maybe he didn't give a shit about starfish.

Don't know what I am talking about? (I'm aware I'm talking in first person again, but, fuck it.)

Let's see:

A starfish is left alone flipped on the wrong side.



Shortly after, he tries to flip himself back to the proper position by bending two of its limps.



"SLOWLY DOES IT... SLOWLY," thought the stupid starfish, as he starts on his other limbs ...

We all held our breath. Maybe ... Just maybe ... Starfish were not so dumb after all? Maybe he could really flip himself over with an almighty heave?

Just as we were full of hope ...



Duh. It's obviously a retarded starfish. He seems extremely befuddled as long as rotating his limbs in the correct directions is concerned.

We threw him back into the sand where he belongs.

Soon after, rescue boats came to get us.





And yes, we're all back to Singapore in one piece. And this marks the end of this very long blog entry. Bleah.

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