Before we start on this blog entry, I would like to say that i have a condition of blog spasms. When I feel like blogging, I feel compulsive urges to keep blogging and blogging and blogging until I breathe my last, and this kinda behaviour would go on for maybe a week.
And then I stop to take a rest, after which I don't feel like blogging again because I somehow think I can't write as well as before. I can't blog anymore! Until something or someone pisses me off enough, and I am emotionally charged to rant again.
Which explains the sudden droughts and floods of entries, actually. What is wrong with me??!
Let's start on the proper blog:
It's really sad to have a laughable name, don't you think? When I was a kid, I hated my name.
I also hated the mole underneath my eye, but I shall not digress about how I felt like strangling all the people who asked me if I "have something dirty" there. I DON'T HAVE DIRTY THINGS UNDERNEATH MY EYE YOU BLIND BATS WITH LEUKEMIA IT IS A FUCKING MOLE CAN?
Back to names - people used to call me yam yam (what the?) for a variation my chinese name Yan Yan, which is totally not funny. And then there was this functional writing thing in primary school class and the cake shop was called Yum Yum Cake Shop. Very fortunately for me, I was on MC that day. They didn't let me off when the teacher went through the answers the next day though.
Yan Yan also happens to be the brand for the dip-in-liquid-chocolate-or-strawberry biscuit that we used to eat, but no one told me I was delicious.
And then there was my English name Wendy, which I did not use in primary and secondary school because it is so common and people kept asking me where Peter Pan is. There is also the fact that I always seem to have classmates called Wendy. I use Wendy now however, because people in the working world are stupid and they cannot remember Chinese names - most of them anyway.
I hated my name then, but come to think of it, I must have been pretty fortunate. What kinda nickname can u make out of "Wendy Cheng"?
My classmates had the same problem with our Primary Six form teacher, Mr Bryan Chang. WHAT NICKNAME COULD WE GIVE HIM? It was so traumatic that someone came up with "Old Chang Kee" - which is bullshit and not insulting. So he is supposed to own highly successful curry puff stores, WHERE'S THE INSULT?
(Speaking of Primary Six, my female readers, remember all the education about menstruation then? Primary Six was puberty time, right? After the exams, I asked Bryan Chang if we could bring PETS to school, and there was this really awkward silence until I noticed my mistake and told the horrorstuck male teacher that I meant my pet rabbits, not Whisper Ultra Slims.)
Now, I am called Xiaxue in the internet world. Let's see, half the people who read me, hates me. These people, most of them serious, brainless people with no sense of humour, have to think of an insulting nickname for me.
Needless to say, it will naturally be what I call the "Xia Hokkien series" which includes the following:
Xiaxuey / Xiasuay / Xiasway
The most common of all is Xiasuay of course, which is also as stupid as a retarded amoeba in a pink tutu. It is also not insulting because Xiasuay means a condition of being embarrassed/ashamed. So Xiaxue is xiasuay, ah huh, then?
COME UP WITH SOMETHING MORE MENTALLY CHALLENGING CAN YOU, ANTI-XIAXUE PEOPLE?
However, these people nicking me Xiasuay has a point. I am constantly in a state of deep embarrassment because of my foul mouth.
Still on the topic of unfortunate names, I remember that I was in a new Primary Five class and sitting right in front of the teacher's table.
The teacher was not there yet, so I picked up the class register to have a look. The guy sitting beside me peeked into the register too, clearly curious to see who his classmates are.
Right smack at the top of the list was Ang Ee Sock.
In an attempt to make small talk with my future neighbour, I said in my best loud joker voice, "Look, Ang Ee Sock! She actually has a sock in her name wahahhahahahahaha! SOCK!".
He laughed a small polite laugh. Clearly, having the word "sock" in your name is really funny, but seems like he didn't get it.
It is anybody's guess that Ang Ee Sock herself right next to me, on my other side. Things like this always happens, no?
I tried to kill myself with a metal ruler when she raised her hand to say she was present later on, but I only succeeded in stunting my growth from that time onwards, which explains why I am so short. In actual fact, I was a pretty tall Primary five kid and I believe I am meant to grow much taller. (I am kidding)
That was during Primary Five and Ee Sock, whose Chinese name was actually Hong Yan Xue, should have forgiven me by now.
However, coming to the crux of this blog entry, is another encounter where I was deeply embarrassed. The reason why I am sharing this is because like in Eminem show 8 Mile, people can't laugh at you when you are already laughing at yourself as it is not fun anymore. Also to serve as a painful reminder to myself.
I was doing photoediting and make up (freelance) for a photo studio, and there were two other workers in there - XW, who did accounts, and HL, who did other nonsense stuff.
I got along pretty well with both.
One day, a new guy AL came along to the scene. I've never seen him, and I didn't bother to make small talk with him. According to XW, she was teaching him how to do the accounts properly because it seemed like she couldn't work the next day.
They both sat near the computer.
HL joined them at the com table, and being bored, I decided to sit there too, next to HL, to traumatize him with my verbal vomit.
XW and AL continued talking gently, ingnoring us and exchanging pointers on the boring program on the com's screen.
I picked up a photo album and flipped.
It's well-taken artistic shots of a rather cute-looking girl. The "Stella Ng" type of face - which I don't like. She was of average height and looked plain but sweet.
"YUCK!" I immediately blabbered. "SO UGLY LA! CANNOT STAND IT!"
I shoved the album to HL and asked, "You all used a model for these photos is it? What are these photos? Is this girl a model?"
HL said he didn't know. I continued with my abuse.
"FOR A MODEL SHE IS DAMN UGLY CAN? So many PIMPLES AIYOH! And the hair! Why cut until like butch? Cannot choose a prettier model meh?"
HL: "Maybe they just wanted someone more average looking?"
"Yeah," I sniggered. "Can't get more average than this."
Flipping a few pages down, while criticizing all the time, I saw a guy's side profile.
"Hey this guy looks a bit like AL!" I said cheerily to HL. "But cannot be la, he (the photo guy) is so ugly, omg."
HL took the album over, and put it near AL's face.
"It's you ah?"
AL: "Yeah, the album is mine."
O M G. Just kill me.
I tried to save myself a bit: "Eh, that girl is a model?"
AL: "No, she is my girlfriend."
I saw him at work the next day without HL and XW present, but he pretended nothing happened and talked nicely to me.
The worst thing is, I really want to tell him for a non-model his girlfriend is really quite good-looking, but I don't know how to bring up the topic without dying of embarrassment. I feel so trapped. Up till today he still thinks I think his gf is hideous but I really don't think so! It's just that I hate ugly models la. Poor AL!!
Mental note to self: WHEN BLABBERING, ALWAYS CHECK OUT THE FACTS FIRST. In fact, don't even blabber.
GO AND DIE LA. DON'T LAUGH! It's not funny!
Oh yeah, dear Shuyin (aka Birdy Teo) has a blog suddenly. What do you know, the whole world has blogs now!
I shall also teach you how to pronounce her blog's title properly.
dot blogspot dot com.
Now make sure you pronounce it the right way, with soft and calm recitations of the "la"s and a mega loud "BOM-m-m-m!!" said like the Twin Towers kanna bombed during 911 .