2004-08-27

Assumptions by Simpletons

Hi dingbats!

Too many spines on the porcupine's back will cause it to finally break, and I've just received one last email ("Are u really so horny in real life, Wendy?") that inspired me to write this blog entry.

There are so many stupid induhviduals infesting the world that I've decided to, once and for all, set their assumptions all right at one go - since they are so convinced they are right anyway.

Let me try to prevent them from reading this paragraph (it is for the smartie pants only), which will be written in a string of negatives like that pessimistic robot did for Trillian in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (citing a book is an erroneous way to invite them away also) [Douglas Adams, 1979] in an utterly circumlocutory chunk where I will be throwing in random bombastic words ANAESTHESIOSLOGY to encourage the imbeciles to misapprehend SODIUM MONOGLUMATORM my point, which is: Of the following, naught is accurate, or factual.







Regarding my looks:


"All photoshop lah, bet she looks like a pig in real life!"

Indeed. Don't speak about that anymore! I am so sad! In fact, I am so ugly that in primary school people used to kick me around. When I asked them, "Why are you kicking me around? Is it because I am very good at Algebra?", they sniggered! Being the jocks they are, they thought that Algebra is the same as algae, so they commented that I am as ugly as algebra - which is very ugly indeed. Can you imagine anything as ugly as Algebra??!

From that day onwards, they called me Ugly Algebra. Later on, the nick was shortened to just "Bra" because they were lazy, and it was SO BAD OH BOOHOOHOO! *whimper* *sniff sniff* because I had no breasts to speak of (those u see on photos are clearly photoshopped on) and I didn't like people reminding me of their non-existence by calling me Bra!

AHA!

Then Ugly Algebra finally grew up! Unluckily for the bastards, I am also an expert at Photoshop!!!! Thus, I cut up the photo of the best looking jerk in my Primary school ...

His name is Haley.






AND I MADE HIM LOOK LIKE A PROBOSCIS MONKEY!






HA! THAT WILL TEACH HIM TO CALL ME UGLY ALGEBRA!!!

So please, will you pardon me for editing my photos? I do not want to be ugly again!! Sob, I am so ugly, even my driving teacher tried to get me to drive myself into Little Guilin. Only in this virtual world can I look gorgeous. =(


"I saw her before, looks like a slut and is fucking short!"

OH NO! I am so short, I am almost negative height. =( I wish you never found out.


"She really thinks she is so gorgeous. MY FOOT!"

Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, for a moment think that I think I am gorgeous. I do not think. I KNOW. Despite all my photoshop here, I am really really unparalleled looks-wise and I do not feel shy to declare it to the world.

Alright I admit it. You would not have expected this, but my photoshop was done the reverse way - which means I usually make myself look uglier. This is because I know from experience that girls commit suicide in self-pity when they look at me - I am just so damn flawless.

In actual fact, the statement that I made at my blogger profile, "I am just goddamn gorgeous", is 100% correct!

I think I am so beautiful that I should be made supreme ruler of the world because I look so fine. Look at my long eyelashes! Look at my lovely smile! My dazzling nostrils! OMG, have you seen a such a paragon of beauty? Who am I kidding, of course you have - ME.

I am so magnificently ravishing, that if I stood on a mountain made of diamonds and rubies, they no longer shine and are but dull stones. I am so resplendent, I make the fish sink, and the cranes drop down from the sky**
(**From the chinese proverb Chen2 yu2 luo4 yan4)

To remind you how beautiful I am, (although you clearly cannot forget that as I have the angelic kinda face that stays etched in memories), I shall now post a chain of my divine photos. Well, some mortals call them photos, but I perfer ... evidence of historic moments.








BEHOLD!






THE BEAUTY ... WHICH WORDS CANNOT DEFINE ...










My my ... This is the kind of stuff that heaven is made of.







Regarding my intelligence:


"What an ultimate bimbo!"































.
.
.
.

"That is like, so not true!"




Regarding my morals/personality:



"She is so selfish, she once stated in a blog entry that she will not give up seats to pregnant ladies."

*DING DING DING* Correct! Not only do I NOT (to be sure u read the NOT properly, I bolded, underlined and italised it) give up my seat on the MRT to pregnant ladies, I also deliver old people swift kicks every time I see them because I think they are all smelly.


"She is soooo self-centred! Her whole blog is about herself."





Self-centred? Who? Me? I have NO idea what made you say such a hurtful statement.





Regarding my writing skills/the blogs's standards:


"So many people hate her and she even has a hate site! Therefore, we are not alone and mass agreement means it is true - Xiaxue sucks!"

Correct! All the people in the hate site really hate me because I killed Dilly.


"Don't understand why a blog so lousy can get so many readers. Bet she ask all her stupid friends to click for her everyday."

Pardon me, I can't give you a good long answer now as I am typing with my left hand. My right hand's index just had a cramp and needs rest.




Regarding my sexual bits:


"I'm sure she masturbates, she is so horny!"

With some violently orange ribbons,

My faithful Hello Kitty vibrator,

And an eggbeater.







Don't ask. It's personal.


"She kanna fucked so much, surely her ** very loose." (*I cringe too, but that's what imbeciles at Hardwarezone like to say, no?)

That is CORRECT again! In fact, once upon a time I met up with my friends at a bar, and they are both prostitutes. We were talking among ourselves pleasantly when friend A suddenly said, "I'm sure I get fucked the most amongst us."

"Oh yeah?" Friend B and I exclaimed.

"Sure," said Friend A. "I get fucked so much, I can stuff a cucumber in, no problem."

And indeed, she took a thick-set cucumber out of nowhere and impaled herself. Now, the whole bar was watching us, transfixed.

Friend B was not to lose out to her.

"I've been fucked so much," she said confidently. "I can stuff a whole arm in, no problem."

And so she did.


I said nothing, and slid down the stool.

***

(On a side note, I remember a long long time ago I saw this on Rotten.com's Fuck of the Month and it makes me laugh out loud everytime I see a traffic cone (Don't click unless u are of age, it is PORN). Alas, the things people do.)

"She so pudgy*, surely nobody wanna fuck her."
(*Word varies)

WHAT ABOUT LEWIS??!

UPDATED: Click here to go to a Li Jia Wei fan site if you are into sports and that sort of thing.

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