Warning: This part is for older blogders (blog readers), so if you came in from the Sunday Times, skip the following part (till the red dotted lines) and read the more exciting bits.
And oh, I had a good hair day today too.
Yes, yes, I DO know that I am featured on the Straits Times, and I am duly elated by that.
I look at this picture and I feel thankful I do not have cavities
However, I remember the smaller mention in the first article saying I'm an anonymous scribbler? I blogged about how happy I was to be on the papers? I heard feedback saying that I am damn hao lian about that, so in order to refrain stupid people from making such assumptions, I kept quiet about the 2nd article regarding the Singaporean rebels.
Now, because I chose to keep quiet about the second article, I also heard feedback that people think I am too proud and a silly Straits Times article is beneath me. Utter bollocks.
STUPID PEOPLE ARE EVERYWHERE, trying to impose their incorrect and unimportant views on everyone else, and making assumptions with their minute brains. BAH!
So I shall just be honest.
I am very, very touched (and happy) that my blog has come so far, despite all the "intelligent" people thinking I'm just another bimbo.
It doesn't matter to me. THEY didn't get mentioned in the papers did they? Did they get a writing job? Are they being PAID to write?
So what if these people think that I am superficial and dumb? The Straits Time's editor thinks I am funny, and I think he is a better judge of writing than most of these serious bloggers ("I can't believe she is the best Singaporean blogger, she is so crude and her English is not perfect and she doesn't even talk about policics!" --> I do too, see the Dr. Tony Tan post?). These people do not have a sense of humour (or maybe just a different kind, I don't know) and they will never understand that not everyone appreciates writings with their deep intellectual thoughts, flowery English, and technical jargons. Not all the time anyway.
I am not better or worse than these "intelligent" people. I am just different. Why can't they accept that?
Just because I write in a frivolous manner here doesn't mean I can't do serious writing when I WANT to.
Wong the Lawyer says I should stop writing in a defensive tone, so I shall stop here.
Got a few emails asking me how come I manage to watch RA shows although I am only 20.
Psssh, come nearer:
I've been watching them since I was 18! Ha!
Here are a few tricks you can learn:
For girls, put on your deepest red lipstick. If you do not have lipstick, you can substitute with other red substances like chilli or blood.
For boys, comb your hair backwards like the Shanghai-tan manner, and pretend that you have broke your voice.
If you look like you have aged ten years, and you are all ready!
Approach the ticketing auntie with a sunny smile barely fifteen minutes before showtime. "Two tickets for Whore please?"
"IC please, it's an RA show."
"Oh dear, I left my bag in my boyfriend's car! And he went downstairs to buy drinks leh. How ah, the queue is so long and the movie going to start already ..." (Bite your lips in a traumatized manner)
"Sorry, no IC cannot buy."
"Ok I tell you what. You gimme the tickets first, and I will ask him to bring my bag up later. When they collect the tickets later they will check my IC right? Auntie, I not so stupid to waste my money if I cannot go in later right? I will ask my boyfriend to bring it up ok? Aiyoh, auntie, I am very happy leh, I look young meh? I am already 22, old already lah."
"22 where got old? You have a long way to go lah, young lady! I then old lah ..."
"Huh you where got old, you look younger than my mother, and she is just around 40!"
"Ok la, here's your tickets, make sure they check later ah!" (she will grin happily)
"No problem Auntie! I wouldn't bluff you one lah!"
Be sure you are at a certain cinema whose's toilets cost 20 cents to enter. They have old men there who do not give a shit if u don't look a day older than twelve.
To play it safe, enter the cinema like this:
Engage your friend in a deep conversation about work. Be really loud as you explode about how your fucked up boss decided to promote that ugly retard instead of you.
Me: "DAMN FUCKED UP CAN! HOW CAN HE DO THAT?!"
Eileen, who is now 22 years of age: "Yeah lor." *nods in a sympathetic manner*
Me: "HE IS THE WORST BOSS IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO ANGRY NOW, THAT IF ANYONE FUCKS AROUND WITH ME, I SWEAR I WILL KILL THE PERSON."
With this melodramatic demeanour, continue the conversation shouting words like MURDER or KNIFE IN BAG in a particularly loud fashion while emphasizing that you just want to watch a movie now to calm your violent intentions.
When it is your turn to pass the tickets to the collector, continue the conversation in rapid chatter while casually shoving the tickets into the collector's stomach without even looking at him.
Chances are, he would not want to talk to you at all.
I did this trick with Eileen, and you know what? The fellow stopped Eileen and asked her to show her IC (she is 1 year older than the legal age) while totally avoiding all eye contact with me.
I stood there with arms folded and underaged, looking mutinous. Such mundane procedures (such as checking ages) only serve to waste my precious time and I should bomb the cinema since I am so frustrated!
How cool is that?
However, if you still encounter difficulties at the second gantry, try the two following methods. They work.
Here's a REVISED version of what June and I did:
We were at PS (particularly anal movie ticketers).
Allow me a digression!!! I saw this thing in the PS FEMALE toilet!
The thing for washing butts?? In the common area of the toilet??
After buying the tickets with no problems, we were stopped by an anal retentive auntie who, no doubt, was in a foul mood as she didn't get enough.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?
Deprived auntie: "IC."
June and I: "Huh? Left it in the car." (Didn't expect to be stopped so the answer wasn't that appropriate. You can think of a better one)
DA: "No IC cannot go in."
I sensed trouble. She didn't look like the kindly sort. "Hey look," I said in perfect, arrogant English. "I do not understand why you are wasting our time here. We bought the tickets just now, and they have checked our ICs then. It is so ridiculous to be checked twice."
DA: "Company policy, sorry." She looked extremely smug, and I felt like slapping her.
Me: "This is so ridiculous! Do we even look younger than 21 freaking years?"
DA: "Sorry." She then proceeded to show us the way out.
Me: "I want to see your manager, right now."
DA: "Fine." *walkie talkie* "Mr X? Two girls don't have IC want to go in."
Behind us, another young couple walked in. The same deprived Auntie demanded for IC, and the guy was of age, but the girl, who was 20 like June and I, stupidly showed her her IC. They were also stopped.
DA: "Sir, these two (me and June) don't have IC and this girl not enough age, I checked. The boy ok."
Me, to manager: "Hi, good evening - (I looked at his name tag) - Kelvin. My friend and I here just bought tickets to Kill Bill, and we produced our ICs just now when we brought tickets. We left our ICs in our car for safety, and now we are not allowed to go in? What kind of logic is that?"
Manager: "Sorry miss, it's our company's policy."
Me: "I have watched so many shows in my life, and I was never stopped TWICE. What's the point of doing that?"
Manager: "Sorry, we always do that here."
Me: "I didn't know that. It's not like that in Lido. So what do you expect me to do now?"
Manager: "Maybe you can go retrieve your IC?"
Me: "Ha. That's really witty of you. It is now - (I stopped to look at my Rolex) - seven thirty and the show started 15 minutes ago. Can you tell me the point of watching a movie when you miss the first half an hour?"
Manager: "Maybe the next time you will bring your IC up here with you."
The couple, seeing that the manager and I were in conversation, tried to sneak into the cinemas.
Manager, to them: "Hey stop there! Sorry, you (boy) can go in, but she cannot."
Me, to manager: "So you want me to go down to the carpark? If I go, I will not come back. I don't see the point of watching this movie with this kind of unpleasant incidents happening. I came here to enjoy myself. Perhaps I should never come to PS again?"
Manager: "I think you misunderstood me miss. I meant to say that next time, please bring along your ICs with you."
Me: "Right. Thank you, Kelvin."
It was pure torture on June's and my part to not whoop in laughter as we walked into the cinema while the couple proceeded, heads drooping, in the opposite direction.
This is Ghim Hui's friend's idea.
If you were stopped at the cinema with four-letters, gently retrieve back your movie tickets, and slip a $2 note underneath it to give to the old man.
Very likely, he will accept it.
Some people call it bribery, but I call it kindness to the elderly, really.
On a side note, I hope no cinema owners read my blog.