2004-03-13

It has been long since I laughed so hard at a long complicated bunch of words. There you go:

http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/seduction.htm

ghio ge peng (pardon my bad Hokkien, it means laugh till you die).

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2004-03-09

Alright its really irritating. Sony imagestation is giving me problems so the pictures are all looking like white pictures with blue clocks on it. And why must it be so big? Well I thought those are ugly till I saw the small boxes with little red crosses. Infinitely worse.

I would have to change a picture server. Meanwhile, has anyone saved the old pictures? They seem to be gone... I don't dare to think about it. I am freaking out now. Pardon me, I think I shall slam the TV and mutate the dog.

*****

Hi everyone I am back. Since this website is so ugly right now (I can't bare to look), please read my singtel site instead. All the action's there anyway.

And one more thing: Make a wild guess.

MY COM IS DOWN AGAIN.

AGAIN.
AGAIN.
AGAIN.
AGAIN.
AGAIN.
AGAIN.

Can anyone buy me a cheapo computer? I offer sexual favours such as selling June's underwear (I think I can manage to steal some).

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2004-03-03

Alrighty. People have been bugging me all day long to blog, so here is a fucking long entry, and don't complain!

*****

I can't believe it.

Just when you think that the human population cannot get any dumber, you get an unpleasant surprise. Tadah! I just realised the only thing that doesnt have a cap on it is human stupidity. The Chinese say that there is always a "higher mountain". Thats rubbish coz its Everest. But there is no "most stupid". Each day it breaks a new record.

Yesterday, I heard from Peiying that someone asked her if I am pregnant.

Now, if you are not an avid reader, please scroll down 2 entries and read some.

DUH!!!!

DOUBLE DUH!

Duh to infinity!

Someone told me that I should stop using the "kidding" word too often, coz its killing the humour for people who get it you see.

Well, see what happens even when I use it? DUMB PEOPLE STILL DON'T GET IT THAT I AM KIDDING! And now I am supposed to be pregnant with piles, and at the same time, I am an internet porn star (its my occupation in friendster)! How gross is that??

Why do people always believe me when I am lying and doubt me when I am telling the truth?

Alright let me tell you guys this now:

I am not pregnant. Nor can I ever be, because I am not even female. YES. THATS CORRECT. I HAVE BALLS. Xiaxue is an internet alias that I used, because I want attention. If you really wanna know, I am actually Edwin Yeo, the ti ko peh who writes the humour (or so I find) column in the Newpaper.

I'm shizophrenic. I need an outlet for expression which is away from public scrutiny so that I can let go without people barking down my neck you see. Oh well. Or so it started la. Now I'm STILL under public scrutiny again, but you see, thats because my writing is so good that people cannot resist it. I even threw in a few delibrate grammar, i mean, grammer, mistakes here and there to be realistic.

Then why choose a 20 year old poly student to write in the perspective of?

Its because I wanna write childish bitchy comments so a young girl would be apt.

And who is in all the photos I posted?

Oh, its a Korean girl that I pay to take photos of. She poses, and I snap. She only strips sometimes. Yeah yeah I know you knew it. Undeniably she has a slut face.

Thats right. She can't blog for nuts. She's Korean! I pushed her to enter the Singtel competition, but I write on her behalf you see. THATS DAMN RIGHT. EVERY SINGLE F thing you see on the site is FAKE!!!

"Wendy" *snigger* facing trauma because her parents are divorced? FAKE. "Wendy" getting pregnant? FAKE. "Xiaxue" having a good hair day? Yeah Song Jinn Yung was having a good hair day alright.

I know Im breaking your little heart, but facts are facts dude.

*dramatic pause*

Alright. Lets see how many people believe me.

I shall go on pretending I am "Xiaxue" (Xiaxue indeed. *Snigger*) and write as per normal.

******************

I don't get it man. Why do they ban durians on the MRT?

Lets boil it down to a few possible reasons.

1) Durians are green and green is a disgusting colour.

But they don't ban potted plants so that cannot be the reason.

2) Durians are spiky and they might, if dropped or thrown, cause grievous harm.

Yeah but they don't ban spiky potted plants (i.e a giant cactus) so that cannot be the reason too.

3) Durians are plain ugly and that's gross.

Yeah but Bon Jovi must have used public transport before he got a car?

4) Durians might have worms in them.

What wrong with a few worms?

5) Of course we know the real reason. Durians stink.

But that's bullshit! I don't think they stink! They RULE! The durian is a good fruit coz it causes nosebleeds if you eat too much of it, and nosebleeds rule.

What can be cooler than having blood stream out of your nostrils (like in the movies!) and having everyone fuss over that as if you just had a minor heart attack? And then you act cool and go like "Oh its really ok! I'm ok! Its just a pint of blood! I can lose that... Nothing important!"

Alright, assuming that Durians really stink, which they don't, shouldn't the gahment, by the same logic, ban smelly people?

Heres to stupid people:

Durian stink. Durian banned.

Smelly ah peh stink. Smelly ah peh _____. (fill in the blank)

I mean, I would rather take the MRT with a Durian than with a smelly Ah Peh. The ah peh may rape you. The durian wouldn't (don't even think about it). The ah peh might have a ring worm. The durian might just have worms. You can eat the Durian if you are hungry. If you eat the ah peh you will be jailed for... hey wait. People just DON'T eat Ah Pehs.

You are saying that Ah peks need to travel and Durians don't.

Lets be irrelevant and assume that the durian needs to travel. But its banned from public transport coz its smelly. So what should the durian do, logically? Take a bath correct?? So the ah pek should do the same thing! Look. If you are a durian, its even worse! You have to bathe all the spikes and buy new sponges everytime! At least the Ah Peks can bathe normally, so why isn't he doing so?

You say that all Durians are smelly so it is easy to ban them.

Well all smelly ah peks are smelly too. DUH!

Alright they don't all look the same, but have a smell detector then!

You say that the smelly ah peks have feelings so it is mean to ban them.

Are you saying that it is ok to ban the Durian just coz it doesn't have feelings? That's rubbish! In the first place, how do you know that the Durian doesn't have feelings? Alright assuming it doesn't, doesn't the logic stand true to vegetables as well?

I'm not telling about kai lan vegetable here. I am talking about coma vegetables here.

If they don't have feelings, does it mean that we can use them as sex toys ala Kill Bill? No right?

And EVEN WORSE! If you think about it, we should punish the ah pek even MORE! This is because the Ah pek made a CHOICE to be smelly! Yes, he might not know that he is, but logically speaking, if you don't bathe for 10 days u possibly stink, DUH! (duh is word of the day)

Which brings me abruptly to another topic.

Rape.

I watched Irreversible (AGAIN) yesterday. See, lotsa people find the rape scene very disturbing but I found it actually slightly arousing (just v v slightly) at the beginning. Until she started to squeal like a stuck pig and when she got kicked in the face it is not funny anymore of course.

Now, why do I not find it utterly revolting?

One simple reason. Because the rapist is not very ugly. If it had been a pimply sweaty hairy old man raping her while making her lick his armpits, I would have been very traumatized.

So according to my warped logic, how unpleasant rape is is highly dependant on how grosteque the rapist is. So if you are a bangala (there's nothing wrong with my personal perception that they are grosteque so stop the racist thing. I just dun like their lewd stares.) and you rape someone, you ought of have your penis chopped off AFTER you are asked to rape the MsBlast inventor. But if you are Keanu Reeves, you should be paid for sharing your wonderful sperm so generously and can you please be so kind as to rape more often? Tour to Singapore? I pay?

I think its perfectly logical.

Of course, there are many other things to consider. For example, if a monkey rapes me I would be traumatized although other monkeys (and some humans) might find that he is the cutest monkey ever. And also, just because you are good looking doesn't mean you give good sex, so if Keanu rapes me but he has a lumpy penis I would be very traumatized too. Alright this could be cured by assuming good looks extends to the size (and condition, for girls) of genitals too.

And then there is the issue that it is mean to discriminate because of looks although everyone does it anyway.

Alright you don't agree with me.

Maybe we shouldn't go to the extreme. Lets say that Keanu rapes your sister. Keanu goes to jail and yadda yadda usual punishments.

Bangala with lumpy penis rapes your sister. Bangala has aids from blood transfusion and he doesn't know he has aids. But point is that he has aids.

DON'T YOU THINK BANGALA SHOULD BE PUNISHED MORE??!

Duh!!

DUH!!



Lets jump abruptly into another topic.

A few days ago Bernard (if you people remember who) asked me to go see a 5566 concert.

Naturally I jumped at the chance. In fact, I asked him whether I could ask June along with me, so that I would not be so bored since Bernard said that there would be more of his friends going. Then he asked me whether she is chio, which I said yes to of course, and then he said that its ok.

When I called June, she said that her cousin is very interested to go, thus she would give up the seat to her cousin.

Bernard said no after asking how old the cousin is. I thought it is very mean of him to only allow (I suppose) only chio girls to go, and that his tone seems a little weird?

After much prompting, he told me that actually it is not a 5566 concert but just a magic show.

DUH!

DUH!!

I was quite pissed, but I agreed to go with him to the show.

When I arrived at the MacDonalds we were supposed to meet at, I felt strange. Strange because there was a frightfully big amount of people, and for a fucking magic show they all seem too well-dressed. If you can imagine it, the guys were typically in black pants, a long sleeved shirt tucked in, and leather shiny black loafers. Some even donned on a tie. And they were frightfully polite and friendly to me, and to everyone else.

This is weird, the whole bunch of them pretty obviously being ah bengs and lians. This is wrong. It all seems WRONG. They should be at coffee shops smoking. "ni nabeh" should come out of their mouths, not "Ni de yi fu hen mei leh?(Your clothes look good)".

I asked the people around me what kind of magic show it is, and they all said its just a magic show lor. Patronising answers. Then sniggering to themselves. So never mind, I just joked on with them.

The whole scene is reminiscent of something, but I just cannot decide what.

I told Bernard that he look like an insurance agent out to cheat people.

I told Bernard his friend looks like he is going to City Harvest.

Yes, in fact, the whole bunch looks like City Harvest people. Too friendly, hypocritically friendly, because God says it is good to be nice or something. And people acting as if they are the best of friends although they barely knew each other. Dressing up for church, as if God cares whether you are in a potato sack or in Gucci. Adam and Eve came naked anyway. They just wanna sex, sodding obvious, DUH.

Little did I realise that it is a combination of the two things I predicted them to be.

MLM.

Imagine my horror when I stepped into the big hall and I saw the words Astral Mag. DOH.

I shall continue blogging tomorrow. Suddenly very sick of blogging.

*****

To the angelic people who sent me the fix for MSBLAST (my version is called MsLaugh) I am really really thankful. You people are great, seriously. You make me wanna donate money to flag day people just coz its nice to be nice.

Nights all.

And oh yeah. I blogged all these when I was at TODAY. Nothing to do nia. And yes. My com is fixed.

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2004-03-01

I'm sorry.. Really busy these few days... Plus my com is recently revived. And guess what? I kanna MsBlast within 1 hour of usage!!! Yaaay! I'm like the luckiest girl on Earth!! And I can't patch it coz my uncle (yes the same one) used a cheong CD with a cheong CD key which Microsoft recognises, so the patch cannot be installed properly! Wonderful!

If I have one wish now, I would wish that the person who created MsBlast would be raped by a raging bull with aids and herpes. And then have three satay sticks driven thru his balls. While having me roll up a vanguard sheet and hollar through that at his ear: "YOU JIAK BA BO SAI PANG IZZIT???!"

He would possibly answer, "Oh yes, yes!" since he cannot understand Hokkien since he must be Russian (Russians are evil) and thinks I am asking him whether he is sorry.

I will then drown his pets/kids one and by one and make him DAMN sorry for making my life so miserable!

Bill Gates would be eternally grateful to me and will give me 300 million bucks and I will be the richest blogger on Earth!! Wahahahaha!

-_-

But this is if I have one wish. Which I don't. If I do, I will first wish that the fucking rooster which wakes me up every 4 am will be raped by a raging bull with aids and herpes.... And it goes on. See? I'm a simple and sweet girl actually. Its just that I get bad experiences in life.

I mean, who else (besides my neighbours) has a freaking mad rooster waking them up every single day of their lives at 4 am??

Alright. My com cannot install photoshop somehow, so I shall not blog. Meanwhile, voting has started! Vote for me k, but keep in mind that tomorrow is only the second day and it will last a week. And also, votes will be set to zero every week. So yeah, vote if you wanna, now. Only for Singtel users!

SMS "Xiaxue" to 221200!!!

Repeat the number after me, loud and clear:

xiaxue to 221200

xiaxue to 221200

xiaxue to 221200

xiaxue to 221200

xiaxue to 221200

xiaxue to 221200


Each vote costs $0.20, and I reckon it will be ok if you spend like 100 bucks on me every week!

Why vote for me?

Because honestly: Have you seen a better blogger than me?! NO WAY! I am second to none! I'm a born blogger! Blogging is in my blood! Blogger (the site) only exists for ME! Reading my site is the only reason why you live! Every-fucking-body loves me!! No one isn't my fan! I make you smile! I make u laugh out loud in front of your screen, making ur mum whack you on the head to ask you if you are crazy! I make you tremble and pray as you click on your favourites, bite your nails, and open ur eyes slowly wishing and wishing so hard that there is an update!

Enough bullshit. Just vote la.

Oh yeah. And my trailer is on 98.7 FM, the ad for dreamd8... It sounds damn sexy. I am so in love with myself man.

P/s: For blogders who emailed me asking where the Edwin Yeo entry went to, you were hallucinating. There was no such entry. Madness, all of you.

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