2004-08-27

Assumptions by Simpletons

Hi dingbats!

Too many spines on the porcupine's back will cause it to finally break, and I've just received one last email ("Are u really so horny in real life, Wendy?") that inspired me to write this blog entry.

There are so many stupid induhviduals infesting the world that I've decided to, once and for all, set their assumptions all right at one go - since they are so convinced they are right anyway.

Let me try to prevent them from reading this paragraph (it is for the smartie pants only), which will be written in a string of negatives like that pessimistic robot did for Trillian in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (citing a book is an erroneous way to invite them away also) [Douglas Adams, 1979] in an utterly circumlocutory chunk where I will be throwing in random bombastic words ANAESTHESIOSLOGY to encourage the imbeciles to misapprehend SODIUM MONOGLUMATORM my point, which is: Of the following, naught is accurate, or factual.







Regarding my looks:


"All photoshop lah, bet she looks like a pig in real life!"

Indeed. Don't speak about that anymore! I am so sad! In fact, I am so ugly that in primary school people used to kick me around. When I asked them, "Why are you kicking me around? Is it because I am very good at Algebra?", they sniggered! Being the jocks they are, they thought that Algebra is the same as algae, so they commented that I am as ugly as algebra - which is very ugly indeed. Can you imagine anything as ugly as Algebra??!

From that day onwards, they called me Ugly Algebra. Later on, the nick was shortened to just "Bra" because they were lazy, and it was SO BAD OH BOOHOOHOO! *whimper* *sniff sniff* because I had no breasts to speak of (those u see on photos are clearly photoshopped on) and I didn't like people reminding me of their non-existence by calling me Bra!

AHA!

Then Ugly Algebra finally grew up! Unluckily for the bastards, I am also an expert at Photoshop!!!! Thus, I cut up the photo of the best looking jerk in my Primary school ...

His name is Haley.






AND I MADE HIM LOOK LIKE A PROBOSCIS MONKEY!






HA! THAT WILL TEACH HIM TO CALL ME UGLY ALGEBRA!!!

So please, will you pardon me for editing my photos? I do not want to be ugly again!! Sob, I am so ugly, even my driving teacher tried to get me to drive myself into Little Guilin. Only in this virtual world can I look gorgeous. =(


"I saw her before, looks like a slut and is fucking short!"

OH NO! I am so short, I am almost negative height. =( I wish you never found out.


"She really thinks she is so gorgeous. MY FOOT!"

Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, for a moment think that I think I am gorgeous. I do not think. I KNOW. Despite all my photoshop here, I am really really unparalleled looks-wise and I do not feel shy to declare it to the world.

Alright I admit it. You would not have expected this, but my photoshop was done the reverse way - which means I usually make myself look uglier. This is because I know from experience that girls commit suicide in self-pity when they look at me - I am just so damn flawless.

In actual fact, the statement that I made at my blogger profile, "I am just goddamn gorgeous", is 100% correct!

I think I am so beautiful that I should be made supreme ruler of the world because I look so fine. Look at my long eyelashes! Look at my lovely smile! My dazzling nostrils! OMG, have you seen a such a paragon of beauty? Who am I kidding, of course you have - ME.

I am so magnificently ravishing, that if I stood on a mountain made of diamonds and rubies, they no longer shine and are but dull stones. I am so resplendent, I make the fish sink, and the cranes drop down from the sky**
(**From the chinese proverb Chen2 yu2 luo4 yan4)

To remind you how beautiful I am, (although you clearly cannot forget that as I have the angelic kinda face that stays etched in memories), I shall now post a chain of my divine photos. Well, some mortals call them photos, but I perfer ... evidence of historic moments.








BEHOLD!






THE BEAUTY ... WHICH WORDS CANNOT DEFINE ...










My my ... This is the kind of stuff that heaven is made of.







Regarding my intelligence:


"What an ultimate bimbo!"































.
.
.
.

"That is like, so not true!"




Regarding my morals/personality:



"She is so selfish, she once stated in a blog entry that she will not give up seats to pregnant ladies."

*DING DING DING* Correct! Not only do I NOT (to be sure u read the NOT properly, I bolded, underlined and italised it) give up my seat on the MRT to pregnant ladies, I also deliver old people swift kicks every time I see them because I think they are all smelly.


"She is soooo self-centred! Her whole blog is about herself."





Self-centred? Who? Me? I have NO idea what made you say such a hurtful statement.





Regarding my writing skills/the blogs's standards:


"So many people hate her and she even has a hate site! Therefore, we are not alone and mass agreement means it is true - Xiaxue sucks!"

Correct! All the people in the hate site really hate me because I killed Dilly.


"Don't understand why a blog so lousy can get so many readers. Bet she ask all her stupid friends to click for her everyday."

Pardon me, I can't give you a good long answer now as I am typing with my left hand. My right hand's index just had a cramp and needs rest.




Regarding my sexual bits:


"I'm sure she masturbates, she is so horny!"

With some violently orange ribbons,

My faithful Hello Kitty vibrator,

And an eggbeater.







Don't ask. It's personal.


"She kanna fucked so much, surely her ** very loose." (*I cringe too, but that's what imbeciles at Hardwarezone like to say, no?)

That is CORRECT again! In fact, once upon a time I met up with my friends at a bar, and they are both prostitutes. We were talking among ourselves pleasantly when friend A suddenly said, "I'm sure I get fucked the most amongst us."

"Oh yeah?" Friend B and I exclaimed.

"Sure," said Friend A. "I get fucked so much, I can stuff a cucumber in, no problem."

And indeed, she took a thick-set cucumber out of nowhere and impaled herself. Now, the whole bar was watching us, transfixed.

Friend B was not to lose out to her.

"I've been fucked so much," she said confidently. "I can stuff a whole arm in, no problem."

And so she did.


I said nothing, and slid down the stool.

***

(On a side note, I remember a long long time ago I saw this on Rotten.com's Fuck of the Month and it makes me laugh out loud everytime I see a traffic cone (Don't click unless u are of age, it is PORN). Alas, the things people do.)

"She so pudgy*, surely nobody wanna fuck her."
(*Word varies)

WHAT ABOUT LEWIS??!

UPDATED: Click here to go to a Li Jia Wei fan site if you are into sports and that sort of thing.

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2004-08-26

Staying in Kallang Bahru/Hougang? Need $100?

Oh dear ...

He really needs the sex you know ...





Do you live in Hougang or Kallang Bahru? If you need the $100 desperately, why not shag him? Just a few minutes of your time, and it might even feel good ...



WHAT? You are a guy? Never mind la, ask Lewis if he can accept your chaste ass. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

Be sure to use a condom!!! Dear Lewis, do not blame me! I was merely giving you more choices you see ...

Careful of VD! Herpes is incurable!

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2004-08-25

Open contempt

BAH! This is getting serious. I had another dire warning from a friend that my blog would eventually cause me all my friends (who treasure privacy anyway), and there is too much truth in his statement to whistle and ignore, so this eventually caused me to lost whatever interest and inspiration I had to write a blog entry.

Thus ends this blog entry.

HA! Kidding la. But seriously speaking, I had absolutely nothing to blog about recently (nothing to do with the dire warning). Sure, plenty of people (not friends) made me angry, but I can't write about them because ... what are the chances that they would not read it? Slightly less than zero.

So frustrating.

Since I had nothing to blog about, I almost decided on making Eddy the Engineer meet another animal crossing the road with him (A tibetian llama this time) but well ... I couldn't think of anything funny/interesting to say even about that.

I shall thus hide my non-inspired blog entry with a silly movie review - which could pass off as an informative and educational blog entry.

Regular readers would know I do not usually write movie reviews unless they REALLY piss me off like THE HULK (giant pistachio nut hopping around) or SUICIDE CLUB (Jap kids dying of no reason), or was really good like the recently mentioned Notebook.

VOILA! Along came Open Waters which totally fits the criteria of ... PISSING ME OFF.

This is supposed to be a movie about a couple who is trapped in the open water - with sharks.

Sure, this will have "spoilers", but I do not believe my blog entry is any less interesting than the movie, so surely reading this will be a better deal than spending 1.5 hours watching that show - plus this site is free for your reading and its author is also extremely gorgeous with a gold belly piercing.




People who have gold belly piercings are superior to the rest of the world


Moving swiftly back to the topic of the movie (quit trying to scrutinize if I have belly hairs - coz I am gonna tell you now that I do, though they are cleverly hidden under the layers of skin-coloured air-brushing), I suggest that instead of bringing your girlfriend to watch Open Waters in the hope of her hugging you tight coz she is really scared of the sharks; while you rejoice in the fact that u can slightly feel her breasts on your chest, you could go read 1 year and 4 months worth of Xiaxue archives instead.

If nothing goes wrong, this could give you 5 hours of pure enjoyment.

It is also predicted that you guys will have some arguments i.e. about how all girls hate Michelle Saram while guys love her, but a little squabble is always good for relationship-strengthening. MICHELLE SARAM SUCKKKKKKKKS! (FIGHT!)

Back to Open Waters.

Wong the Lawyer got free premiere tickets to the movie, and boy was it a bad thing. (Not that it's your fault at all Wong! *patronising smile*)

The first scene of the show was this couple, who are both not good looking, rammaging around in their house looking for their stuff so that they can go on a holiday together.

Naturally, because it is based on a true story, the show shoves a cliche right into your face like it is actually forgivable just because it is a true story: The wife, or girlfriend, is a busy woman who receives a business call just before they leave, and she is having a well-deserved break with her husband - to scuba dive.

The show, a cheap production using cheap video cams which makes all the characters have fuzzy outlines, spent 20 minutes of film on that STUPID beginning.

The man loves her, and wants her to enjoy herself. He is also a pussy, as you would read about later on.

BAM! There we go! They are at the beach (tick tock, 25 mins into the movie already, where are the sharks?)! FLASH! scene of kids playing in the sea (tick tock). FLASH! scene of people playing volleyball. HELLO??? IF WE JUST WANT TO WATCH RANDOM NO-STORYLINE BEACH SCENES WE CAN REPEATEDLY WATCH THE DOWNTOWN EAST AD OK????

Flash! The couple are back in their hotel room, tired but happy and excited about their long-awaited vacation. (CAN YOU GET MORE CLICHED THAN THAT?? HUH? CAN YOU??)

HOLD YOUR BREATH, ladies and gentlemen! I am about to talk about the climax of the show! They have this little talk which no one could listen to because the show is too cheaply produced to use the woolly sound recorder thingy (think it gets rid of fuzzy sounds). The characters mumbled about how much they love each other and how hard they have worked - which no one gives a shit about. They also look fuzzy.

Suddenly, BAM! Breasts on screen. The girl, a blonde chick who has almost zilch sex appeal because she is a grumpy pig, decides to take off her bra. Wow, what a nice free piece of appetiter! I really did not expect that, it's really nice of you people working on Open Water! (I am being sarcastic. If you have a movie with your female lead only wearing a wet suit all of the time, I think it's mere politeness that you throw in a nude scene first.)

Honestly speaking, her breasts are pretty nice - or maybe it's because they look quite fuzzy.

Just as the rest of the theatre's bored people sit upright barely masking their excitment, and the Jaws fans groan in disappointment that the sharks are not about to come yet, the movie gives the audience another unpleasant surprise. And do not be mistaken - it IS trying to be different from the common hollywood flicks which are, clearly, all about sex.

The girl, who was looking at the guy with complete lust before this, suddenly said (surprisingly audibly for a fuzzy soundtrack) that she is NOT IN THE MOOD TO HAVE SEX!

WHAT! THE! FUCK! What a waste of my time! HELLO??! NO IN THE MOOD TO HAVE SEX? Then why not wear a surgical robe to sleep instead of taking off her top and flashing her tits at him? What's her point?

I think, she secretly wants to have sex, but she wants her man, instead of acting like the usual wimp he is, to tear off her grandmother panties and have dominatrix sex with her.

He fails to deliver.

Instead of climbing over her and impaling the grumpy bitch on his long erect member while shouting into her ear that some sex would do her temper good, he gives a nonchalent look (who blames him?). He then proceeds to say that he understands, and they roll over and sleep till the next morning.

WHAT A PUSSY OF A MAN! I can imagine that if Maddox's girlfriend tells him that she is not in the mood to have sex, he would slap her with his pet Goth and ask her to sit quietly on his gigantic balls and think about the nonsense she just sprouted while he shags one of his hysterical female fans enthusiastically.

The next morning, the duo sets out happily into the boat.

They all scuba dive. FLASH! Scene of clown fish swimming amongst amoebas or whatever those corals are called. THANKS! I LOVE UNDERWATER SCENES!

Fast forwarding the dull bits, the couple gets left behind in the open sea while the boat, due to an unfortunate miscount, sets off without them. (tick tock, 1 hr into the show ...)

VOOM the boat goes! Yaaay! Sharks finally?

Oh no! Couple realises that they are left behind. They wait. Guy pees. Girl pees. Time passes. They see sharks forlicking below them, but the sharks behave like gentle graceful dolphins. I can almost imagine them doing synchorised swimming.

Hey, why are there pieces of white stuff floating around the sea? Mystery solved - the girl vomited. BAH!

Couple panicks (not because of the vomit), they quarrel over whose fault it is that they are stuck here.

Night time! Cliche time! It RAINS! BOOM! Flash! Lightning! Can see couple. No lightning! Cannot see couple! Yaaay!

The guy gets a chunk of his leg bitten by a curious shark and blood fills the otherwise crystal clear sea water.

Ominous foreboding? Lots of sharks, smelling the blood, will attack the guy? You wish. The guy panicks like the wimp he is, while burying himself in the girl's breasts, crying, and the sharks do not attack.

By morning, she is hugging his dead body (too much blood loss).

Coincidentally, the boating people also realised that they must have miscounted, and jets set out scouring the seas for them.

She takes a look at him, and decides to let him go, a la Titanic.

He floats a little, and guess what? The sharks eat him up. WOW! Such good timing she has! She knows it is breakfast time, so the sharks will immediately devour the guy the exact moment she lets him go, but not when she is still holding him!

Trivia for you! Sharks eat wet suits too!

She looks at him, and despite the audience saying that she wouldn't dare, she drowns herself. YES. She drowns herself! HOW AUDACIOUS! The trailer clearly stated that they have a story to tell! How the fuck could it be based on a true story when both characters die??!

The credits flash, and the story was "found out" because one shark, who so coincidentally was caught, had ate the underwater camera the couple brought with them, and the audience can only presume that the film told of the story.

Very stupid, because if you are dying you do not take pictures of yourself.

The point of the movie, Open Water's fans (IT HAS FANS? OMG) argued in IMDB, is not about the sharks but the concept of the phobia of floating around in such a big area. Wow, scary I say.

Not.

Being trapped in such a vast area, or Agoraphobia if you wish, could have been must better portrayed in this movie but was not - unlike other sea shows like Castaway. It almost looked fun to be trapped in the nice ocean.

If you say you are a blind person who just wants to hear the movie because u loved the Jaws soundtrack - don't (although if you are blind u can't read this site). During the most desolute of times, the soundtrack was playing happy prayer songs. Supposedly funny I guess.

Eekean said that if this movie were a comedy, it would have gotten 2 stars.

Since it is not, I'd say it deserves -13/5.

Don't Watch It. Don't say I didn't warn you.

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2004-08-22

Veggie Fun!

Hi! Let's guess what these pictures stand for!



.
.
.
.
Really to guess?


















It's a Bitchy Brinjal!

Ok, NEXT!



What's this? Which veggie has holes in its stems?

























It's a Kinky Kangkong!




Those are eyes on it ... And it's slightly more worried than it should rightly be ...








Pessimistic? Nope.






















It's a Paranoid Potato!


NEXT! Bet you didn't get any correct you dum dum!



Ok this is kinda tougher. It's a kind of bean, I can tell you that.




















It's a Frustrated French Bean!!




p/s: The context of the words are not really important.

























It's a Mumbling Mushroom!






Yes it's spinach.
























It's a Severed Spinach!

You cannot stand it already is it? Ok, last one:







































.
.
.
.
This is a Lesbianic Lady's Finger.



(Credits to nicks of Veggies: Weili, Wanyi, Meiyan and for the lady's finger, No. 1 Blogder Eternald)


Am I getting Blogger's Block? No, why do you ask?

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2004-08-18

The versatile star cushion and BOM!

Hi everybody! My name is Chlamydia! I am the guest blogger for today and I am a green star* cushion!

*Well not exactly star, you'll see.



Look! I can become many shapes! Here's my default!



I am a moon now! Yaay! Five more of my brothers and we can be the Singapore flag!



What am I? That's correct! I'm an unripe banana!



Voila! Kan wo qi shi er bian! See! I'm now the pichonkun droplet in Daikin's ads!



I am now a pacman monster!!!!!!!!

*****************

Look! Xiaxue was at the Esplanade for the Singapore Fireworks Festival for the first concert with Birdy, Weili, Meiyan and Alvin (Meiyan and Alvin both Shuyin's and Weili's friends)!




Her friends look pretty happy ...


Birdy wants you to praise her sailormoon boots!


Zhang Zheng Yue preparing for the concert later.


Why is Xiaxue's camera constantly capturing orbs? Orbs are supposed to be spirits. If that's the case, then surely ghosts love to watch fireworks too?

Look what's in the sky!


La!


BOM!


BOM!


la!

BOOOM!

BOM!

la!

BOM!

SMITHEREENS!
****************



A result of Xiaxue's itchy hand at Cafe Cartel later.



Just a form of advertisement for Birdy's new blog at lalalabom.blogspot.com!



la la la BOM!!!


Xiaxue wants me to tell you all that she is a great artist! That's her horrid hairy arm!!!!!!!



Birdy seems disgusted to take the photo with Xiaxue ...



After a smack on her head, she decided to cheer up a little!

Happy belated National Day!

Yours,
The versatile star cushion!

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Then, and then Now.

Ha!

Avid readers will recall how last Christmas I was heavily flamed in the dumbass forums Hardwarezone and Sammyboy or something.

My reaction? I cried. I did not understand why here I am, blogging my best and not harming anyone, and yet, some people are there saying I am a whore and laughing at my pictures.

In fact, I even decided to close down my site.

Today, with the Straits Times reporting about my website, there are more stupid/narrow-minded people than ever who read me, although the increase in traffic also includes many people who appreciate my site. (Note for self-assuming people: I did not say everyone who hates me is stupid, I said (some) stupid people hate me - it's different.)

The forum-idiots are flaming me worse than ever! Here's one example, though this one is really quite mild. Think they were being courteous. (Got more examples? Post the links up!)

But anyway, I just realised how different my reactions are 8 months from then.

I look at the mean words there, and I shrug and tell myself it's ok, for these guys are semi-retards who do not get fucked at all. They are also ugly, sad and remarkable people - with unremarkable intellect and leading an unremarkable life and have unremarkable kids who will grow up to be other unremarkable beings participating in forums no one gives a shit about except for unremarkable beings like themselves whom a task requiring slightly more than one brain cell would traumatize.

Therefore, they have lots of pent up angst in them and they have to release it.

The best way to release it will of course be to masturbate, but the results only last for 4 minutes (some of them come faster, say 1 min, because of the short length of the passage-way for the semen to travel to open space).

The alternate best way, would be to scold someone and hopefully make the person as miserable as you are, preferably in the internet world where you can be an anonymous coward.

The best person to scold would be precisely be all the people who will look down on stupid people like them.

Oops! That's me! I can understand why they dislike me: I'm confident (which means that I will NEVER go out with stupid people like them) and spirited and loud (they like quiet meek girls who agree with them).

Bah!

One thing makes me feel quite pissed though. Who are these people to criticize me? It's ok for people like doctors to say I am stupid, but these worthless bengs? Isn't it funny how, after I managed to make it big with the blog they predicted will fail, that they are still harping on the same points?

To all the bengs:

I cannot write for nuts? HA! That's really funny. I work freelance for a national daily. I am working on a book project now. How about YOU who are criticizing me? Did you even pass your recent composition test?

I am a stupid bitch? I went into a good school which you will never manage get in (I'm talking about RV). I'm now having a job you will never get with YOUR intellect. I am definitely not stupid.

My blog is the worst blog ever? I have 4,000 readers now - and let's say a modest 2,000 of them love my blog and the others dislike it, but read it anyway. How many ardent readers does your blog have, if you even managed to set one up? Will you ever get the amount of readers I have?

I am fat and ugly like a pig? Ok, I know aesthetics has no standard rules and it's a matter of opinions, but saying I look like a pig IS stretching it a little too far. I know I am not ugly to the least. Eh ... but you? Sure, you say that even if I were given free to you you wouldn't want me ... YOU CLAIM. But are you sure you can even get a girl? How about also considering that someone like me will never like you too?

I've got no class? Certainly got more than the people who write such bullshit in stupid forums. =)

My blog is a disgrace to Singapore? Woohoo. So far, I've only received compliments from foreigners reading this blog, and no hate mail at all - so yeah ...

Copy this chunk to your forum if you want, and generate the same answers - "Never seen such an arrogant bitch hope she gets knock down by car" or "roll-eyes smiley X 2" and tell me why stupid people always all say the same things, will you?

p/s: No la, I'm not angry (you look disappointed at that)

p/p/s: No, readers of these forums may not be stupid people if they sieve the useful information outta the forums. But if you write like these retards ... ah well.

- Trying to win an argument with an irrational (stupid) person is like trying to teach a cat to snorkel by providing written instructions. No matter how clear your instructions, it wouldn't work. ~ Scott Adams -

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2004-08-15

Rachel McAdams in The Notebook

Most of us would not want to watch a boring show like The Notebook; even I have to admit that the poster looked thoroughly unappealing.





No wait, that looks pretty sensual actually. But who the hell wants to watch a strictly romantic flick (not romantic comedy, mind you.)?

Wong the Lawyer had free tickets to watch a strictly no free tickets show, so we had a choice between The Notebook and Fahrenheit 9/11(What's the title anyway?), and we chose the former.

It is the absolute best romance movie I have watched.

Maybe I am biased, because I totally ADORE lead actress Rachel McAdams. I think she is the MOST (yes, most) pretty actress in Hollywood. Let's talk about her.








Her bigger debut came from The Hot Chick, where her character was acted out by Rob Schneider most of the time. Yet, both the actor's and actress' acting was so convincingly good, that we forgot they do NOT actually have each other's spirits inside their bodies!

In other words, Rachel's acting as Rob's character, a dirty old vagabond, was utterly convincing.

Rachel is not the blonde airhead she is in that show, clearly. In fact, she has been acting since she was 13.

I was already wondering to myself what a classic like her is doing acting only as second leads.

And then came Mean Girls, where she had to play second fiddle to stupid Lindsey Lohan, but at least she is still acting ...

Her big break finally came in The Notebook.

I'm not gonna have spoilers, I promise.

The movie starts of extremely boring, with an old man rowing a boat serenely across a river. Bah! They even had seagulls to complete the picture.

The story started to get better as a old man visits an old lady in the hospital, and started to read a story book to her, in an attempt to cheer her up. The story is ... ahh ... very beautiful.

Leads Allie (Rachel) and Noah (Ryan Gosling, quite cute too) meets in 1954, and falls in love in a incredible summer romance. Their adoration for each other is spectacular yet extremely realistic, for they too have their fights and arguments, but it's their strong love (they are crazy about each other) which carries them on. Their chemistry was reverbrating in the audience, and watching them with a placid smile on my face while Allie repeatedly runs to meet Noah, I knew I was about to sob later.

Unlike A Walk to Remember where stupid Mandy Moore dies of, predictably, cancer (orbi good) or Sweet November where that ugly curly haired girl also died (Ha!), the show brings out the romance without making the average single viewer feel irksome. Maybe it's simply coz for once, the lead is not an angmoh shu nu - all perfect and demure. YUCK. KILL MANDY MOORE!!! BLEAH! (I would say I like My Sassy Girl for the same reason. The female lead is not another normal girl.)

Both Noah and Allie are extremely likable.

For one, they do not let their relationship affect their friendships, which is important for me, as I feel that a relationship where the two lovers only have themselves is unrealistic. Their romantic scenes consists of times spent with both their mutual friends, with Noah's father, who is a funny old man, and also when they were alone.

Secondly, they are both good looking, of course.

Their love was so chaste that when they did have a sex scene, I did not want to see Rachel's boobs (a first I assure you), as that will symbolise a common carnal sexual attraction between them. They are not a common couple just wanting to fuck like rabbits! They want to make love, not just copulate!

The problem comes in here. Noah is a poor boy, and Allie comes from a well-to-do family. Predictable you say? Just hold on a little.

Allie's parents stop her, but unlike most movies where the bad guys are made thoroughly bad so that the audience would hate them, Allie parents show a good side to themselves later on in the movie, plus .... Allie loves her parents.

She however, defends her love by telling her mother that she knows about love, although she is merely 17 (Rachel is 28!). Her mother, she said, does not look at her father like the way she looks at Noah, nor laugh like her and Noah. She knows, she insists, that she LOVES Noah.

The two get separated as they quarrelled and World War II intervenes, and everyone (actually just me) started to sob non-stop. It was so saddening.

And because the movie is an adaption of a novel, the script is just remarkably surreal.

The movie moves on with the leads' separate lives, and then with a big twist that is not exactly unexpected, but still heartwrenching all the same.

It's the most I have cried in a cinema, and the first time I was still sobbing when I went OUT of the cinema.

My readers, please do go watch this beautiful movie if you do have that $6.50/$7.50/$8.50 to spare.

You faithful movie reviewer,
Xiaxue

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R21?

Warning: This part is for older blogders (blog readers), so if you came in from the Sunday Times, skip the following part (till the red dotted lines) and read the more exciting bits.

And oh, I had a good hair day today too.



So yeah.

Yes, yes, I DO know that I am featured on the Straits Times, and I am duly elated by that.

Just the prelude


I look at this picture and I feel thankful I do not have cavities


However, I remember the smaller mention in the first article saying I'm an anonymous scribbler? I blogged about how happy I was to be on the papers? I heard feedback saying that I am damn hao lian about that, so in order to refrain stupid people from making such assumptions, I kept quiet about the 2nd article regarding the Singaporean rebels.

Now, because I chose to keep quiet about the second article, I also heard feedback that people think I am too proud and a silly Straits Times article is beneath me. Utter bollocks.

STUPID PEOPLE ARE EVERYWHERE, trying to impose their incorrect and unimportant views on everyone else, and making assumptions with their minute brains. BAH!

So I shall just be honest.

I am very, very touched (and happy) that my blog has come so far, despite all the "intelligent" people thinking I'm just another bimbo.

It doesn't matter to me. THEY didn't get mentioned in the papers did they? Did they get a writing job? Are they being PAID to write?

So what if these people think that I am superficial and dumb? The Straits Time's editor thinks I am funny, and I think he is a better judge of writing than most of these serious bloggers ("I can't believe she is the best Singaporean blogger, she is so crude and her English is not perfect and she doesn't even talk about policics!" --> I do too, see the Dr. Tony Tan post?). These people do not have a sense of humour (or maybe just a different kind, I don't know) and they will never understand that not everyone appreciates writings with their deep intellectual thoughts, flowery English, and technical jargons. Not all the time anyway.

I am not better or worse than these "intelligent" people. I am just different. Why can't they accept that?

Just because I write in a frivolous manner here doesn't mean I can't do serious writing when I WANT to.

Wong the Lawyer says I should stop writing in a defensive tone, so I shall stop here.


*****************************************


Hello everyone!

Got a few emails asking me how come I manage to watch RA shows although I am only 20.

Psssh, come nearer:

I've been watching them since I was 18! Ha!

Here are a few tricks you can learn:

"My IC is in my car, damn it!"


For girls, put on your deepest red lipstick. If you do not have lipstick, you can substitute with other red substances like chilli or blood.

For boys, comb your hair backwards like the Shanghai-tan manner, and pretend that you have broke your voice.

If you look like you have aged ten years, and you are all ready!

Approach the ticketing auntie with a sunny smile barely fifteen minutes before showtime. "Two tickets for Whore please?"

"IC please, it's an RA show."

"Oh dear, I left my bag in my boyfriend's car! And he went downstairs to buy drinks leh. How ah, the queue is so long and the movie going to start already ..." (Bite your lips in a traumatized manner)

"Sorry, no IC cannot buy."

"Ok I tell you what. You gimme the tickets first, and I will ask him to bring my bag up later. When they collect the tickets later they will check my IC right? Auntie, I not so stupid to waste my money if I cannot go in later right? I will ask my boyfriend to bring it up ok? Aiyoh, auntie, I am very happy leh, I look young meh? I am already 22, old already lah."

"22 where got old? You have a long way to go lah, young lady! I then old lah ..."

"Huh you where got old, you look younger than my mother, and she is just around 40!"

"Ok la, here's your tickets, make sure they check later ah!" (she will grin happily)

"No problem Auntie! I wouldn't bluff you one lah!"

Be sure you are at a certain cinema whose's toilets cost 20 cents to enter. They have old men there who do not give a shit if u don't look a day older than twelve.

To play it safe, enter the cinema like this:

Engage your friend in a deep conversation about work. Be really loud as you explode about how your fucked up boss decided to promote that ugly retard instead of you.

Me: "DAMN FUCKED UP CAN! HOW CAN HE DO THAT?!"

Eileen, who is now 22 years of age: "Yeah lor." *nods in a sympathetic manner*

Me: "HE IS THE WORST BOSS IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO ANGRY NOW, THAT IF ANYONE FUCKS AROUND WITH ME, I SWEAR I WILL KILL THE PERSON."

With this melodramatic demeanour, continue the conversation shouting words like MURDER or KNIFE IN BAG in a particularly loud fashion while emphasizing that you just want to watch a movie now to calm your violent intentions.

When it is your turn to pass the tickets to the collector, continue the conversation in rapid chatter while casually shoving the tickets into the collector's stomach without even looking at him.

Chances are, he would not want to talk to you at all.

I did this trick with Eileen, and you know what? The fellow stopped Eileen and asked her to show her IC (she is 1 year older than the legal age) while totally avoiding all eye contact with me.

I stood there with arms folded and underaged, looking mutinous. Such mundane procedures (such as checking ages) only serve to waste my precious time and I should bomb the cinema since I am so frustrated!

How cool is that?

However, if you still encounter difficulties at the second gantry, try the two following methods. They work.

Scold the manager


Here's a REVISED version of what June and I did:

We were at PS (particularly anal movie ticketers).

Allow me a digression!!! I saw this thing in the PS FEMALE toilet!


The thing for washing butts?? In the common area of the toilet??


After buying the tickets with no problems, we were stopped by an anal retentive auntie who, no doubt, was in a foul mood as she didn't get enough.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?

Deprived auntie: "IC."

June and I: "Huh? Left it in the car." (Didn't expect to be stopped so the answer wasn't that appropriate. You can think of a better one)

DA: "No IC cannot go in."

I sensed trouble. She didn't look like the kindly sort. "Hey look," I said in perfect, arrogant English. "I do not understand why you are wasting our time here. We bought the tickets just now, and they have checked our ICs then. It is so ridiculous to be checked twice."

DA: "Company policy, sorry." She looked extremely smug, and I felt like slapping her.

Me: "This is so ridiculous! Do we even look younger than 21 freaking years?"

DA: "Sorry." She then proceeded to show us the way out.

Me: "I want to see your manager, right now."

DA: "Fine." *walkie talkie* "Mr X? Two girls don't have IC want to go in."

Behind us, another young couple walked in. The same deprived Auntie demanded for IC, and the guy was of age, but the girl, who was 20 like June and I, stupidly showed her her IC. They were also stopped.

Manager arrives.

DA: "Sir, these two (me and June) don't have IC and this girl not enough age, I checked. The boy ok."

Me, to manager: "Hi, good evening - (I looked at his name tag) - Kelvin. My friend and I here just bought tickets to Kill Bill, and we produced our ICs just now when we brought tickets. We left our ICs in our car for safety, and now we are not allowed to go in? What kind of logic is that?"

Manager: "Sorry miss, it's our company's policy."

Me: "I have watched so many shows in my life, and I was never stopped TWICE. What's the point of doing that?"

Manager: "Sorry, we always do that here."

Me: "I didn't know that. It's not like that in Lido. So what do you expect me to do now?"

Manager: "Maybe you can go retrieve your IC?"

Me: "Ha. That's really witty of you. It is now - (I stopped to look at my Rolex) - seven thirty and the show started 15 minutes ago. Can you tell me the point of watching a movie when you miss the first half an hour?"

Manager: "Maybe the next time you will bring your IC up here with you."

The couple, seeing that the manager and I were in conversation, tried to sneak into the cinemas.


Manager, to them: "Hey stop there! Sorry, you (boy) can go in, but she cannot."

Me, to manager: "So you want me to go down to the carpark? If I go, I will not come back. I don't see the point of watching this movie with this kind of unpleasant incidents happening. I came here to enjoy myself. Perhaps I should never come to PS again?"

Manager: "I think you misunderstood me miss. I meant to say that next time, please bring along your ICs with you."

Me: "Right. Thank you, Kelvin."

It was pure torture on June's and my part to not whoop in laughter as we walked into the cinema while the couple proceeded, heads drooping, in the opposite direction.


Just an extra purple note

This is Ghim Hui's friend's idea.

If you were stopped at the cinema with four-letters, gently retrieve back your movie tickets, and slip a $2 note underneath it to give to the old man.

Very likely, he will accept it.

Some people call it bribery, but I call it kindness to the elderly, really.




On a side note, I hope no cinema owners read my blog.

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