2004-10-31

BOO!



I personally was sick of the manly Maddox and thought he needed a little fluffy love. You think?


LOL! I am so proud of myself, my artwork appeared on the FUCKING BEST PAGE IN THE UNIVERSE! =) Did yours?

*trembles* I feel like my idol just spoke to me. MADDOX READ MY MAIL! *shudders in pleasure*

Hey come to think of it lickmyjesus said thanks to me too! *skips around in joy*

Alright, it's 7-fucking-am, and I just got back from clubbing. I am exhausted.

More blogging tomorrow, and Happy Halloween,



you pumpkins reading my blog!

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2004-10-30

Anyone has an 8910 to sell?

My phone is spoilt, and I wanna buy it. Still miss the 8910 that was stolen from me. =( EMAIL ME!!!!!

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2004-10-28

Blogging TV critic!

Today is an eventful day.

Being a *wealthy unemployed individual, I typically spend my late nights at extremely vogue places such as ... erm, I don't know ... Lawry's? and erm, Attica and Thumpers and what's not.

I don't usually stay at home and watch MediaCorp shows, thank you. No sire, I am no loser!

However, today I have decided to stay at home and show some appreciation to our local artistes. My my, I am a pleasant girl, I am. =)

Being the *deep-thinking intellectual I am, I sat in front of my telly, contemplating certain important issues before setting out to watch the 9 o'clock show - The Champion, starring the voluptuous Fiona Xie, no-breasted Jeanette Aw, and cute Toro Tan (I don't know Toro's surname so I anyhow buang). Notice I did not mention the MPV qing ren guy, because he is not cute and undeserving of my attention.

I thought to myself ...

Zoe Tay is getting old, isn't she?










Ah. Indeed.

DELUDED!


And how about our Caldecott princess?

Is she getting old too?







WOAH! I didn't say nothing, Fann! Please don't slap me with your silky rebonded hair!

So anyway, before Fann so rudely threatened me, I was thinking deep thoughts to myself about how our Ah Jies are getting so old, THEY ALMOST CAME IN THE SAME BOAT AS SANG NILA UTAMA!

Alas. What do we Singaporeans do?

(I had this sudden thought because I was listening to the radio playing Jay Chou's Jie Kou and I thought Harry Potter's Victor Krum must look like Jay Chou because Jay is also sullen with black hair and I imagine him to walk in a duck-footed manner. (Hermione and Jay Chou!)

Then I realised that Victor Krum is very young (18) and Jay is also quite young then I realised the older Chinese singers like Daniel Chan and Aaron Kwok are all dead and the new punks are taking over the block and I realised that if it is true for the singing arena then it surely must be true for the acting arena too? and I thought of Zoe and Fann. There you go, my brilliant thought process.)

Fret not!

We have the new Ah Jies coming up!


Do you like ...






Fiona Xie?



Jeanette Aw?



Or Joanne Peh?
(Yes I noticed that there is a gross grammar error there. Forgive me.)



Oh my oh my am I supposed to choose one of them to be the top Ah Jie in Singapore? My word, they are so over-qualified that I am flustered out of a sudden!

Should I choose the cutesy Fiona Xie?

I imagine, if Fiona were to represent Singapore in Hollywood ala Fann, she would amaze the A-list celebrities there with her Wisp-speak.

That's right! Fiona speaks in a language of her own, called Wisp-speak.

(If you put a Babelfish into your ear PLUS tilt your head a little to your right, you can understand her clearly. To the rest of us normal beings, we merely hear wispy soft whispers spoken in a consistently cute pitch.)

That's like when Tokkien invented a language of his own; coolness! It's ok you don't understand her and frown a little at her lines, because her marvellous handling of the Chinese language complete with pinpoint pronounciation is bound to wow you over. =)

Also, unlike Fann and Zoe who have mediocre-sized titties, Fiona's blossoming assets is all set to impress (and tease). I am Soooooooo excited, I am about to watch my first episode of The Champion! (Are you watching it too?)

Or should I choose the formidable Jeanette Aw, whom, after a ridiculously advantageous virgin (in all senses! *guffaw*) acting role in Holland Village, manage to transform that slightly ... erm ... 'slow' (read: retarded) and child-like image of hers to fit whatever roles needed of her then after?

It's like watching Mo Jing Jing grow up overnight! Amazing!

Pity her voice remained the same.

Or maybe ... Joanne Peh, who looked so pretty on that 8 days cover in a bathtub?


I AM SPOILT FOR CHOICE! Who wouldn't be?

I am very sure that the future Ah Jies in Singapore will be of improved calibre, as compared to our current ones. After all, look at all the classic shows that these three lovely actresses did, which greatly surpassed Fann's "Yang Guang Lie Che" and Zoe's classics: "San mian xia wa" and The Unbeatables!

*pleasant smile*

I shall turn on the TV!



That was me turning the TV on.

And what do I see??!

So sian!

Fiona Xie and Toro Tan are in love. And then Toro Tan chases after a bus which Wispy Fiona is sitting in.

She ignores him while he runs, a la Meteor Garden.

Children, this is the word for the day: PREDICTABILITY! Meaning explained as follows:

Toro Tan stops as he ...

MAKE A GUESS!

Apparently cannot run faster than the bus.

So he ...

MAKE A GUESS!

Stops, dejected, to take a breather - while panting heavily of course.


And what next? As he breathes ...

MAKE A GUESS!


Wispy Fiona appears! Wow, shock-of-the-year, she actually decided to get off the bus! She looks at him with luuuuuuve, and offers a TISSUE!

They then admit their love for each other ...




AT ... MAKE A WILD, WILD GUESS!



The beach! And of course! Of all other activities to do on the beach, they choose to RUN ALONG THE BEACH, unlike other MediaCorp TV shows.

Wow. So fresh, the script ideas. I was so surprised by the chain of events that I dropped my remote control in a stunned silence and it hit Cloudy, who was watching the show with me.




.
.
.
.








BAH!
Go away!


**************

Later on in the show:
(Disclaimer: Fabricated by MOI. None of the following is true)


Cast:
Fiona Xie as Mei Mei (sister)
Moses Lim as Evil Daddy
Qi Yu Wu as Handsome Brother


Mei mei comes to Daddy's store after gambolling around the beach with Toro Tan. Brother is around.











OMG THAT. WAS. SO. FUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot stand it.

Don't ask me why the fifth photo turned out like that. I don't know. It think it is evil forces.



***************************

After that scene of obscene sexuality, the show went into a boring downturn.

Cloudy, my faithful pet, was watching the show by my side. My readers! Do you know that Cloudy is an ah beng dog? He calls himself Lim peh - which I find pretty rude since my dad is most certainly not canine.

He ... looks bored. I wonder what's going on in his little fluffy mind.













Alas. Good night fluffy.

*Blatant lies

**********************************************

Author's Note: If you are anybody (I insulted)'s fan, go ahead and send your hatemail to xiaxue@gmail.com.

If you are Moses Lim ... Well I'm sorry for drawing your brows so hideously. As for the sodomy pic - well I couldn't let it go. Too funnnnnny BUAWAHAHAHHAHA

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2004-10-27

Two small announcements to make!

1st: I've finally gotten my ass off the couch and uploaded all the photos for the archives from August 2003 onwards. You can now view the archives without seeing little white boxes with red crosses in them! =)

The pictures before August 2003 are lost forever. Imagestation deleted them almost immediately after my com got formatted, the HORRIBLE BASTARDS, TO THINK I TRUSTED THEM!



2nd: I forgot to tell you guys, but remember some time ago I applied for a job as Mediacorp Channel 5 website's journalist?

I remember after reading some of the comments (right before I went for the writing test, no less) I felt extremely dejected and inconfident. (Fuck you all, you evil people)

I spoke to a close friend on MSN after that, and this was how our conversation went:


Me: I'm very sad after reading the comments.

Friend: Aiyah ... Just do your best lor.

Me: Never mind what they say. I need some encouragement. Tell me you think I can do it! Your opinion matters more.

*Friend starts typing*

Me: AH!!!!!!! FORGET IT. Don't say it. If you are going to say I most possibly cannot get the job, don't. I don't need THAT right now.

Friend: Sorry. You know I don't patronise people.

Me: Fuck you. I already said don't say it, why must you add on? Fine, I will not get the job, ok?

*Appears offline*



I shed a few angry tears after that, but still went to the writing test nonetheless. Why are people so mean? Since I was still working in TODAY then, I was in the newsroom before I left, and my dear colleagues were extremely supportive. Unlike these people, they told me I can do it and wished me best of luck. =)

But of course, the later comments were extremely encouraging but I have already done my test by the time I read that. Still, I am very very glad I have so many of you guys standing behind me. Thanks so much!! *hugs everyone who left encouraging comments*

And you know what? The writing test was about .... SINGAPORE IDOL.

After reading my ex-colleague's article on said topic, I am pretty sure I churned out a smashing article. ;)


I was notified some time later that I got the job.


Therefore, screw you people who said I cannot do it. I did it. You cannot bring me down.

BUT I REJECTED IT!

I rejected it! Coz I was working for my previous full time job then. And when I called them recently to ask if the position is still available, I was told that it was filled.

Alas! What a big fat joke played on me.

I shall try other jobs!

=)

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Can vegetarians eat pussies?

Or suck cocks for that matter?

*frowns*

What do you mean by "crude"? Hello, get your mind out of the gutter, I mean, like, cats and roosters ok!

Hi! You there! And you! Welcome to xiaxue.blogspot.com, I am your guest blogger for today!

Pleased to meet you all.

My name is Smoochum, and I am an act jap Pokemon, and coincidentally Xiaxue's favourite one too!

Here's how I look like!






I am MALE, ok! As you can see from the picture, I get very angry when people ask me whether I am female.

I am also vegetarian, and thus the title of this blog entry. Boggles me, eh?


*Confused*


Xiaxue said she is a little busy today (you will see why later) and therefore entrusted the task of blogging to me! Kawaii ne! Oh fuck, did I just say kawaii ne! Slap me whenever I act jap ok? Puuuuhleeze. Acting jap is soooooo PASSE, wee?

I suggest we all act Hungarian coz Hungarians get the most orgasms and that is way cool! Japanese, on the other hand, only have sex 49 times a year! RIDICULOUS! FLABBERGASTING! That's, like, once a fucking week???? *Chortle!* Did I just say "once a fucking week"? Did I just say "once a fucking week", .... dude? Like, OMG my pun is so funny, isn't it??? You don't get it? Never mind.

So anyway, I told Xiaxue - I don't know how to blog you know!

She put down the clothes pegs for a while and said, No problem, just look at the way I did it in the previous blog entries!

Reading up a little, I've decided to do something ... lickmyjesus styled!

So I followed Xiaxue around and this is what I found out:

She is a .... BLOGGING HOUSEWIFE!

I tell you, unemployment is not suiting Xiaxue well (so get her a job fast, thanks)! I looked at her blog, and I looked at her, and I realised that ... either her photoshop is ludicruously good, or she has became ... well, a shadow of her former glamourous self.

But still, I assure you the Blogging Housewife is - about - as interesting! Let me try to get hold of her.


Ah, there she is!








Alas! Caught her at a bad time! Mommy is asking her to hang the clothes. Look at her! What an auntie ... *snigger*

She snuffles to the kitchen unwillingly, and WHAT DOES SHE SEE???!





THE SMELLY BROTHER pretending to study at an unusual place, and a fierce Maltese-terrier staring at her with ferocious looks! My my, how horrific!

With a swift kick delivered to the SMELLY BROTHER's face, she managed hop pass both evil, foul creatures to get to the ...




Washing machine.




And gathers up the wet clothes for hanging.



"Smelly Brother's sock!", proclaims an agitated Xiaxue. *snigger* Check out the hair you thought was gorgeous! All tied up in a messy, ugly bun. Tsk tsk. HEY YOU THERE! Don't laugh at Xiaxue will you? What, you think blogger queens do not ever look bad?

YOU ARE WRONG!
Even Zoe Tay has to hang clothes sometimes, alright?

Even with your taunting, the optimistic Xiaxue takes up the hanging task valiantly.



Even singing a little!

And she prances away after she is done, not knowing dangers await her.



CAREFUL, XIAXUE! Did I not warn you to check your back?
HERE THUNDERS THE REAL AUNTIE!




*GASP!*

She spanks Xiaxue around a bit with a large trout, bought at a cheap $2.30, for a good ten minutes.

POW WOW!

And rectifies the problem.



Make sure YOU don't make Xiaxue's stupid mistake.



*************************


Later that day


Xiaxue leaves for the bathroom, all sweaty from the tedious hanging.






Toilet. Bathroom. Safe?

You think?

Xiaxue gingerly walks in, checking out her surroundings for sha qi (killer-air)!

AND GUESS WHAT? She was right!


AN INTRUDER! A moth! Ambushing her!


Tsk tsk. Xiaxue is a moth-magnet. Poor thing. She wants me to tell you guys that she has always said moths always hide in the bathroom while she bathes and now I have proven that right.

Upon seeing the moth, she gave a little squeal of terror and gallops out of the toilet. While in the safe kitchen, she thinks about it.

Should she not bathe, and sleep sweaty? Nah. Yucky.

Or should she bathe with said moth in the toilet, and risk it telling its fellow lusty moths friends later how she has lovehandles and laugh at her? Is it stupid to even assume that the moth will not flap its wings around her naked breasts later, when she is so vulnerable?

She finally decided that she is much fatter than a moth (ok, not MUCH, coz this moth is FAT - like real fat-fat) and therefore should NOT be afraid of it!

She hobbles on to a stool, armed with a plastic bowl in the right hand.

She trembles.

A little bit more ... and ...




VICTORY IS HER!!!!!!!!!!



Congratulations! And celebrations!!!


The moth is now a prisoner-of-war! (Never mind the real meaning of that word. I think it sounds apt. Don't nitpick on my language please, I am stupid as I am just an act jap Pokemon.)

Xiaxue, disgusted by the moth, leaves it for the resident killer to play with - the furious Cloudy (otherwise known as Cloudy-do, do-do (fishball), do-dy, Cloud-cloud, Cloud-do-dy etc), while she commerced with bathing.

Cloudy is a left-wing supporter, as he told me.

BITE IT, HARD, CLOUDY!







Aiyah, so boring.


Later on, when Xiaxue came out of the toilet and realised Cloudy is sleeping beside the fat moth like a real friend, she whacked the piece of Cloud on his head for his betrayal and took the moth-in-a-box to throw away.




Into the 'Yi qu bu hui' dustbin, as she terms it.

She opens the lid and screamed her placenta out! In the bin, stuck, is a leftover piece of food with no less than 8 cockroachs surrounding it and chewing happily, having the time of their lives!!!

Horrorstruck, Xiaxue threw the box and slams the lid really hard.

She cowered in a dark corner crying for the rest of the night, the scary sight still haunting her nervous mind.







*************************




Xiaxue showed me a photo of a cute fireman, from blogder Cedric's blog.




Cute?

I don't think so!


I HATE PROTUDING BELLY BUTTONS!


URGH!
IT IS GROSS! IT IS DISGUSTING!

GET IT AWAY FROM ME!

You know what it looks like?

Like a kissing fish, that's what it looks like!




Don't see the relevance? I WILL SHOW YOU!




Da! I even included the eye for better conviction.

Yuck. I discriminate protuding-belly people. *spits*

(Note: I am not Xiaxue. Xiaxue is fine with the belly protuding people. In fact, when I told her it is GROSS (which it is!), she said it would be kinda fun to rub it. Sick bastards.)

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2004-10-25

I have a throbbing headache.

Hey you there! I found a photo of your boyfriend!

How come you like somebody like that?



As the title suggests, I have a throbbing headache, so I shall not blog.

Instead ...



Funny boh? I apologize if the photos are not clear enough as I have to somewhat shrink them.

Introducing...

www.lickmyjesus.com!


I've not laughed so hard in such a long time! You enjoy. I rest. =)

(To the guys at lickmyjesus if you are reading this: Hi!! New fan here! *waves madly*)


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2004-10-23

Feng yong er lai!!

Why is it that when you have a guy in your life, you have many many guys in your life? (Sentence is not grammatically correct but please ignore it)

Since the guys in question might read this, I shall not elaborate further. That's pretty sad. I shall blog in my private blog. Ha!

IT'S THE PHERAMONES! I SMELL SEXY! YAY BABY I AM SO SHAGADELIC!

Let's talk about my past few days!


1) I got sued!


Wong asked me to be her mock witness (defendant, unfortunately) for a cross examination that she had to do, as you possibly already have read. Ha! So fun! Wong and I have decided that from now on we shall converse cross-examination style. Let me explain ...

This is the conversation we had before Wong told me to convert it to cross-examination format:



Normal Wong: YOU ARE DAMN DISGUSTING TO FLIRT WITH GREYBALLS!

Normal Xiaxue: You said GreyBalls is quite good looking what! Then now I flirt with him you say I gross?


THAT IS WRONG!



This is correct:



Solicitor Xiaxue (in a condescending, mean tone): Miss Wong Ee Kean, I refer you to your AEIC paragraph 40. You mentioned that Mr GreyBalls is, in your own words, "quite good looking", did you not?


Wong the Indignant: Yes I did.

Solicitor Xiaxue: Miss Wong, it is logical for people to flirt with good-looking people. Do you CONCUR?

Wong the Indignant: Yes I do.

Solicitor Xiaxue: Miss Wong, then following your statements, it is then logical, and surely not "damn disgusting", of Miss Xiaxue to flirt with Mr Greyballs - since he is "quite good looking", yes?


*Long pause*






Wong the Indignant: I DISAGREE!





URRRGH!


That made me hop around in anger! How can she disagree?! Slap her!




My solicitor and I! Look at Wong's megawatt cool smile! It spells I-A-M-A-R-I-C-H-L-A-W-Y-E-R! HAHAHAHA Betcha don't have her flair for looking INTIMIDATING AND SMART!

And look at me! I wore all my bling blings so that I look like a rich woman being sued for cheating $100k worth of money! Wow! But come to think of it if I am being sued I shouldn't be so happy.


Ah, I think I should make my Rolex a little more shiny.


Ah there you go:






Wah! Lens flare sia!




They call it the Moot Court!


2) I had a Brazilian wax done!


The million dollar question: Yes, it IS painful, but it is tolerable - and over in a short while. $40 at Strip, Holland Village. Their service is fabulous!

There's how the waxing bed looks like:






Ha! Very dark ah! Look like got ....


















GHOST!!!!!! Somebody save me!



Ha ha! Actually that's a Halloween chocolate, cute huh?

I took the photo when the lady left me to get changed. The bed, not the ghost.

Hey girls, if you intend to go get a wax, better listen to this piece of advice!

A friend of mine went, and she wanted to get a triangular patch of pubes.




Pointing DOWNWARDS of course.



More specifically, she wanted an equilateral triangle.









To her horror, she woke up later to realise that what she got was ...







A very narrow isoceles triangle



So narrow, that its base was merely 1 finger thick. No difference from the narrow rectangular strip at all! Tsk tsk. Don't commit that mistake. Now she has to grow the side of the isoceles back to form the equilateral.*comforting pat*

*snigger* OOPS!
HHAHAHA - but it IS quite funny!


Speaking of feminine products/services, lookie!



How many times have we (girls) kanna period and felt very pissed that we have to buy one whole pack of 20 pads for that one day?

Watsons have decided to come up with packs of five, costing $1.99! Cute and compact! How considerate! Now we can just stuff it into our bags. =)






















AHHHHHHHHHHH! Wanyi looks like the spiders on the ceiling! Someone bring me the insecticide! (She went for the wax with me)



You, being the judgemental human we all are, will be thinking, "FUCK! This Wanyi girl is HIDEOUS! (Notice how the hideous word is in apt mucky green) I will never shag someone with buck teeth! She is fugly and she looks like spider! Fuck spider also better!"

Ha!

Eat your words!

She is actually ...












Very chio!

With some help of make up and photoshop of mine lah. Hee hee! (If you want photoshop done, email me - I charge around *10 bucks for each picture (*terms and conditions apply!!))





3) To Dbl O with Eileen-Chicken-Pox-Tan.


The horrible Eileen, with her pox infected body, took a $200 needle-shot and surpressed her chicken pox to go out!

She very angry!

You know why? She has the smoothest sexy back in history, but she forgot that she got pox marks (say "pox marks" ten times very fast) all over them!

Ha! Loser! Pox marks still never mind, it looks like ZITS!! MAUAHAHHAHAA





"Not zits ok! I don't have zits on my back!" says the frustrated, misunderstood Eileen.


Her tattoo has become somewhat fuzzier over the years. I remember when she just got it, the outline was so clear that people kept trying to scratch it off, convinced that it is a sticker tattoo.

It got Eileen so angry, she burst into flames.

BUGGER OFF! STOP TRYING TO SCRATCH MY TATTOO! She would scream in agony. IT IS REAL!

Nobody believed her and everybody asked her where she got her superglue from.

I kept trying to scratch it at times when she least expected it. Which is like, every five minutes. Hee Hee. Then one day she slapped me with a long, slightly wet, flaccid thing which was skin-coloured. I don't know what it is till this day (or whether it is her body part at all) so I didn't try to scratch her tattoo again.








Eileen wants you to stop discriminating her just because she has chicken pox.



Outside Gallery Hotel in my lucky top**


(**lucky because I get lucky everytime I wear it)

We went to Liquid Room after Dbl O's pageant (Miss Dbl O) was over, and there we met Eileen's boyfriend, whom Eileen got the pox from.

Unlike Eileen who had surpressed pox marks looking like mere zits, her boyfriend looks so spotty Mother Teresa would have run away from him.

This cute American guy wanted to get to know me but saw that my friends were all spotty and disease-ridden and decided that Singaporeans are all filthy and STD infected and turned away in disgust, throwing me a look that clearly said, "You Asians shouldn't be let out in public".

I tried to explain to him but he sprayed pepper spray on my eyes. Very pain. =(

Actually the above didn't happen lah.

But what DID happen is, Eileen's currently spotty boyfriend bought her a HUMONGOUS diamond ring!



Holy Fuckanathan! That thing costs $3,000!!!!


I would like to kindly remind suitors that I am not as greedy. The pair of Levi's I mentioned would do just fine to make my day. =)

**********************




Tinkerbell (Paris Hilton's chihuahua) is a loser!

Ha ha ha ... It went all squinty-eyed while being in front of Paris Hilton's *AHEM* in a Guess poster! Ha ha ha

I am laughing at it, see?

Ha ha ha ha!


***********************


Remember the Durex Global Sex Survey I told you guys to take some time ago?

Results are out!

CONGRATULATIONS!! AND CELEBRATIONS!!!


*Runs around the room and throws confetti into the air*


SINGAPORE IS NO LONGER THE LEAST SEXY COUNTRY!

We have passed the baton to JAPAN!

BOO JAPANESE! YOU GUYS ARE LOSERS!

We Singaporeans have more sex than you!

Three cheers for all of us! =)


*more confetti*


And congrats to pretty me!

Lookie!



Durex tells me thank you for my participation ...


And gave me a kickass mousepad!




I AM HAPPY! Happier than you! My life rules! =)

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