Eh. The tsunami disaster had me feeling that it is rather unsuitable to blog for the past few days. But anyway, I decided that amidst all that grief life still needs to go on, so might as well do what we can for the victims (like donating: Mr Brown teaches how) and move on.
So, what did you do for Christmas (a tad late but I was BUSY lah)?
I was rather traumatized one day before Xmas eve because I had no plans for the said day.
- Eileen is going to Zouk because of Digweed and tickets cost some ludicrous price which I am unwilling to pay for.
- Wanyi in HK.
- Eekean in Batam.
- June with BF.
- Eileen Wee in Bangkok.
As a last attempt to get some exciting plans for the day, I asked my mum and brother where they are going on Xmas - maybe there was some family activity that I can pretend to grudgingly attend (for people which no friends on Xmas are, erm, losers, right?). Family activities are good for festive seasons because you can always kick up the excuse of filial piety and simply that you were forced to attend and act like you are not simply left out of more glamourous parties.
My mum chirruped that she had two parties to attend to and she dunno which to go to etc blah blah, and commenced with wrapping presents for the people who will be there. She asked, "You leh?" and smirked while I said I have nowhere to go to.
There is something very wrong with this picture.
1) My mum is more popular than me. She is forty+ and OLD. She has kids. She is fatter than me*. She has wrinkles!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD!? Why ain't I, Singapore's famous pink Blogger, invited to grace important parties of the rich and good-looking? WHY?!!!! (Actually was invited to some but had no one to go with me and thus rejected)
*Claims she is anyway. When reminded that my waist is 22.5inches and hers is 26, she argued that fatness is not measured by waist measurements and would I please look at my thunderthighs.
2) My mum is wrapping presents for other people's kids. When Smelly (bro, 11 years old) and I reminded her of the irony of the situation, she retorted that she gave me my computer, which costs $999, and that is good enough for a very substantial Xmas present. I told her she bought the computer to stop me from hogging her computer (also new, Pentium 4).
She simply rolled her eyes and said that I am not getting any presents for the next 3 years.
As a super last resort, I asked my brother if he were staying at home.
To my utter horror, he said he is going to church.
Let me first specify: I have nothing against Christianity, or any religion, for that matter. However, nobody in the Cheng family has ever been a Christian, least of all Smelly - I once heard him declare very loudly that God does not exist.
I was so appalled but that little snippet of unexpected information (shall explain why I am later) that I dislocated my neck as I turned around to ask Smelly why he suddenly decided to be a Christian. Being the evil sister I am, I snidely added, "Why, you found God hiding behind a Christmas tree ah?"
My brother rolled his eyes at me, but being the true Christian he is, was patient and kind. He graciously pardoned my insolence, and continued with a simple, "Because Barnabus asked me to go to church."
(Barnabus is classmate cum best friend and also avid lover of ps2 games.)
"Cheh! Siao. He ask you go then you go. You really believe God exist meh?"
"Last time you didn't say that lor hor. Prove it."
My brother kept quiet. My mum, frowning upon the melodrama unfolding, interjected.
"Oei girl! You are being very rude you know. Religion is good what, it teaches good values."
"Yeah right, then go be Buddhist? How about being Muslim? Hindu? Why must be Christian leh? And anyway, where got people just because it teaches good values then go believe in a religion one? Utter rubbish."
My mum pulled my brother away from me - now in a very aggressive mood indeed - to commence with other mundane things like pre-Xmas TV.
I feel extremely agitated. Something is really not right here. The way my brother so defiantly said, "Yes." to "Does God exist?" really, really pissed me off. The way he answered so confidently, so unquestioningly.
A few months ago, he was so sure God doesn't.
I hate it. I hate it when people have blind faith in things without questioning. I am not saying that God doesn't exist; he might. But up till today, there is no concrete proof, stripped of any form of blind faith, that he does. For example, him descending right on top of the Esplanade and exclaiming, "Screw you atheists, I EXIST!"
However, after a visit to the church, my brother was, dare I say, brain-washed. So thoroughly brain-washed, that he brushed off his sister's opinion - a first since my brother always values my views.
Great, I thought to myself. The first thing Christianity brings him is unrest in the family. You Christians may argue that it is MY issue and that I should believe in God like my wise-beyond-his-years brother, but here's my argument: I do not believe in God because I have not seen him, nor felt him. I refuse to indulge in blind faith. And therefore, if He really wants to solve the problem here, he should appear in my dreams or something (Esplanade gracing too much to hope for for little insignificant me). But no! I dreamt of ... I can't remember but there was certainly no bright lights and Zeus-like creatures.
Alright, some of you might be angrily spewing now: "Then how can you accuse your brother of blind faith, and be so sure God didn't personally touch him in, erm, his house (aka church)?"
Because I asked. I asked him if anything has proved to him that God exists. He kept quiet. Then I pressed on, "So you just when to church, sang songs, and tadah! your perception of life changes?"
He said yes!
My god. Oops, inappropriate expression. How then, you may ask, is one considered reasonable when they believe in religion?
I personally believe religion is fabricated by man, but let's take in account a story I have heard.
Shengrong's dad is a devout Christian. Shengrong's mum is not. The Ng family has 3 kids. According to what SR told me, his mum dreamt of angels telling her to believe in Christ after her first delivery. She brushed this off, until it happened again during her 2nd and 3rd pregnancy.
She was then convinced, and was a devout Christian since.
If anything like that happened to me, I'd be a Christian too. If something of that magnitude happened to Smelly, I'd say it is logical for him as well. But the only reason I can think of for him being a Christian is because his friends all go to church with him. WTF.
Let me continue about my displeasure regarding a family member suddenly turning pious. It is not my business, some of you might say, that my brother decides his own religious path. You cannot blame me for being paranoid.
More than once, stable friendships have been ruined because of my refusal to enter any church, especially City Harvest. I remember this primary school friend of mine called Shufen. We lost contact, and through Friendster, we met again.
I was especially gleeful because she was my primary school best friend.
However, the reunion did not go well. She kept sprouting Christian issues to me, saying nonsense like I am too conceited (which I am) and that God would help me cleanse my sins and I can fly with eagles or something like that. Throw in random words like blessed, lamb, angels, whatever. I almost puked.
Being the nice polite girl I am, I benignly refused, saying I have my own reasons, and I am not about to embrace Christianity.
She sent more aggressive smses, 3 at one time. I vaguely remember being on a date at that time and was supremely annoyed by her relentlessness.
My second polite refusal was refuted by the blind faith she tried to impose on me, and by the third I told her if she were to keep up this behaviour there was no way I can remain friends with her.
I cannot remember clearly what she said, but it was very offensive - something about me going straight to hell (as if it is up to her to decide. Pui.) for my denial, and that such a horrid person like me is definitely not worthy as a friend.
I was so vexed by the whole issue that I asked her if it is worth it for her to sacrifice a friendship - something so obviously THERE and existing - for something which she is not even sure exist.
Can't remember her answer. Bet it involves cherubs.
So anyway, I am scared that something like this will happen between my brother and I. I have heard somewhere, correct me if I am wrong, that Christians are supposed to convince everyone they know to convert.
How long will it take for Smelly to do that? I can imagine a huge quarrel coming up.
I know this blog entry is long, but let me blog this religion issue out once and for all. The one main reason why I refuse to believe in Christianity (only tried said religion, so I am talking about it. Not discrimination) is because I do not see why I should let me people tell me what to do.
Take for example Shufen. Who is she to tell me how to live my life and that I'd go to hell? She heard these information from Jesus? Why can't Jesus tell me himself? Just because priests spend their lives studying the bible doesn't mean that they are necessarily close to God than I am right? (If you say they are, where's the proof?) So who are they to teach me what to do? Who are they to lecture me on how I should treat my parents? Have they led a wiser life than I did? Are they even smarter than me? Do I fuck little boys in church?
Speaking of telling people what to do... I remember this once, I went into a miracle healing church. People who are handicapped were made to walk again there, with the power of so many people praying for them (why did God make him handicapped in the first place if he is about to retract his decision?).
After the hymns and all, the "newcomers" were invited to go to the front, stand in a circle, and hold hands or something.
With the power of hundreds praying, the newcomers were supposed to feel a spasm of some sort. Knees go weak, heard voices, that sort of thing.
Sounds interesting, I thought. I went ahead. Take note: I wasn't skeptical. I truly wanted to feel the clairvoyant vibrations.
They chanted, and soon after, almost everyone in the circle was trembling like we were in the north pole. Was it me, or did the helper look pleased with himself? Anyway my verdict is that I didn't feel anything at all.
We were then asked how we felt, and almost everyone there said they felt something of some sort. Only I felt nothing.
The helper stopped at me, and asked,
"Did you feel yourself shaking?"
"How about feeling a weak sensation at your stomach?"
"Weak at the knees?"
"Oh, then you must have heard some voices?"
By this point of time I was blushing crimson. Everyone was looking at me like I was some freak that God left out.
I felt very compelled to lie and said that God personally told me he loves me, but the situation here strongly reminded me of that stupid primary school game called "Bi xian" (Pen Deity?) where either you or the other primary schooler moves the pen and everyone pretends to be amazed as the pen gives answers. I told myself I was too old to play games like that.
The helper asked one last question:
"Did you feel anything at all?"
"Never mind dear. Next time. Now please donate 10% of your salary to the church each month."
Ok not the last sentence.
I know ... Not all Christians are like that. There are many quiet believers who do not impose their views on others. I respect that. However, even if I ever believe in Christianity, I doubt I'd step into churches. What's wrong with reverence in the comforts of your own home?
Since I already said so much taboo stuff, I may as well add this: I am so irked by some silly Indian tsunami victims. They were praying so hard that another tsunami would not come. In actual fact, the STUPID Govt issued a bogus warning. There was no second tsunami.
See the irony here? If the Indians get reassured that there is no second tsunami, which of course there isn't, then they would credit their God, thinking it was their praying that worked.
May I ask, if praying works, then why did the first tsunami happen? Erm, to punish people who did not pray enough - and torture those who did by killing their family? To, erm, cleanse sins? Oh I get it! The dead victims get to be closer to God! I'll not heard more bollocks in my life, and I don't understand why people get taken in by this rubbish. How is it fair, may I ask, that we can praise the lord (yes I know Indian people do not believe in Christianity but I am saying hypothetically here) when he supposedly "stopped" the second tsunami, and we are not allowed blame him for making the first happen? How?!
Ok I am done with this very long entry. It may cause public outrage, but I read somewhere that almost everything causes public outrage and you cannot write anything without outraging at least one person.
Momo, during the Christian Smelly quarrel, warned me not to write about it because of the high public outrage factor. I don't really care. These are my honest thoughts - and I am not imposing them on you. I may be wrong, so if you want to correct me, please do so gently.
I am going to meet June and Clara, more more more blogging later, and sorry for the lag! Love ya all.
UPDATED: Christians, my blog is not an avenue for your preaching. If you want to do so, do it elsewhere. I will delete all preaching 'comments'. Don't even get started on "If the atheists can talk about not believing God why can't we talk about believing Him?" Well, I just don't see why I should help promote Christianity. To me, that is like spamming. The atheists have nothing to gain on the other hand. And also the small fact that it is my blog - I hate preaching and I would not have it here. Cheers.