2005-02-05

Would you rather ...

I blog rubbish for the sake of blogging, or blog nothing at all?

I'm in a bit of a dilemma myself.

I think I shall anyhow blog some rubbish out.

Let's talk about one mad friend of mine. He likes Margaret Lee and he wants to fuck her real bad!

I think that's quite crazy because she is really an auntie, isn't she? And my friend is like 24 or something. Madness. Why would any young man wanna screw an auntie leh??? Can be his mother.

And then I thought to myself ... When I become an auntie myself I'd definitely not be as hot as Ms Lee, then how?!?! No one will ever find me desirable ever again! Oh no!!!!

I will be very sad.

Anyway I think the boob cream she endorses (lifepharm is it?) is very stupid. Excuse me, but isn't your ambassador supposed to somehow prove that your stupid product works? BUT HELLO??! Margaret Lee's neh nehs are already FUCKING big before she used the damn product what! Just look at them spilling over her bikini top. In fact, I think most men are no longer reading my words. Super cock.

I think they should endorse me. Really! Don't scoff. My neh nehs are small, but I have BIG photoshop skills!! I am damn good, really. In fact, I think I shall go try do some for you guys to see. Wait ah...

Ok I shall do a google search on "bikini"...

AHA!!!!!!!!!



BEHOLD!!!




THE DUA NEH BU as transformed by Lifepharm boob cream!!!*

*Absolutely ficticious



Isn't she such a sweetie? TOO BAD! NO TITTIES! Therefore is not sexy! Let's exploit this woman's insecurity and make her buy some Lifepharm boob cream!!

And voila!~~~~~~~~



Back to the point. Margaret Lee's boob cream company ought to endorse me. I will, generously, include in my package a free photoshop job in which the mass majority of the stupid public, when looking at my before and after photos, will vehemently deny that any sort of unethical editing is done to it.

After which, I just have to film an advertisement where they show me gently, oh-so-gently, rub boob cream on to my miniscule boobs. I will also moan if I feel like it. Then, tadah! my tits are so big now!

*cue before and after photos*

After that, during the press conference, when reporters ask me how come I look like a normal B cup, I'd say that, erm, that is because I am not lactating. The press will then either, depending on whether they are Wan Bao members or not, frown upon my blonde-ness and report that all big titted women are stupid but yes, Lifepharm works, OR, urgently ask me whether I was pregnant before, who I fucked, and romantically link me to Edmund Chen or Christopher Lee for no reasons whatsoever.

Isn't it so perfect?

Oh yes it is! After which, I will become the media's darling and Newpaper will gimme some boob award and FHM and Maxim will both have to bid to feature me. People just walking on the streets will stop and gawk and I will charge them for extra minutes of gawking. I'd always be late for my appointments because so many people want to gawk, but my friends will forgive me because I am SO HOT! In fact, I think I will charge them for being my friends. I'd earn thousands!!

With my new-found wealth, I will go get a boob job! I will then swagger around, proudly resting my double F mammary wonders on tables whenever I can because they are so darn heavy (but HOT!).

When someone I don't really like comes to speak to me, no doubt wanting to view those twin miracles up-close, I'd screw up my button nose in benign frustration, and slap him around the face with my right tit. I plan to make them so big he'll be knocked out cold.

If he were not knocked out cold since he is a strong man, I will stomp off in a huff, and while he is staring at my back-view in awe (and lust), I will, instead of using the traditional hair, extravagantly flip my left breast off the back of my shoulder. If all goes as planned, the tit will even bounce off my back twice before resting happily at somewhere along the small of my waist.

Yay!

Haiz. Can't believe I wrote all those nonsensical stuff. Recently I've been rather frustrated coz it seems all the guys I like don't like me back leh. How? Why like that? I strongly believe someone has cursed me.

HOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW?? *more hysterically*

HOW DREADFUL! The horrid DAY IS COMING AGAIN! The dreaded Valentines' Day. Cock. I hate it. Every year same rubbish. I wish a grinch would come and steal V Day. Oei you lovey dovey people! I've got a special request this year. Can you all just stay at home and fuck? Don't go watch movie lah, smooch on escalators lah, eat romantic dinners lah, prance around looking all uppity etc. CAN? Please? Just this once. I don't wanna see lah... Very saddening one leh. I just wanna watch a movie with Eileen or something. Oh we poor singletons! Woe is me!

"Why," you ask, "don't you be the one who stays at home and fucks, Wendy? You can do that instead of us lovebirds, and you wouldn't have to see us!"

Good question. Because ... I have no one to fuck! My partner is a florist and he'd be really busy that day. (KIDDING) And also because the weather is very hot nowadays. No lah coz staying alone at home very loserish leh! Esp on V day. Haiz... i am just whining on. I think I can hear footsteps of someone coming to take away my best Asian Blog award....

Okok how's this? Anyone else will be very bored that day? Do you wanna go on a date with me?

Do you? (Puts hand behind ear like machiam during concert asking rabid fans like that)

I cannot hear you!!

You do?

OOOOOOOkkkkkkkie! Guys and very handsome butchs, this is what you can do: Send me TWO DIFFERENT CLEAR photos of yourself, together with your age and what you are doing currently to thegoddess@gmail.com. You must drive. Travelling on public transport on V day is absolutely appalling and I plain refuse to do it. I prefer convertibles. =D (Here comes accusations of materialism again! Can't one have a preference for airy vehicles?!)

It is just a date - dinner, maybe movie, and nothing else. I may not choose anyone at all, and I promise that any photos sent to me will not be posted on the blog.

That's that lah. At most I stay at home with Smelly and Cloudy worse comes to worst. Hai... Life sucks.

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