2005-04-25

One of the most fucked up things

to ever happen in life, would be to have the guy you like fall for your best friend, no?

It sucks for so many reasons I don't even know where to begin. It sucks because it bruises your ego, it sucks because it causes a tension between you and your friend, and you start to think bad, evil stuff about your friend that you'd never have dreamt you would (i.e: What is so good about her? Her ass is so fat blah blah). It sucks because you can't sleep thinking - what if my friend likes him back? And would I lose her because of this ... etc.

The story of F and L comes into account here.

It happened so long ago, when we were just 17. F and Wong came to look for me while I was working for Ascend part-time (it's a shampoo brand and I was promoting it), and we had dinner together at KFC.

L and his bunch of friends were sitting a few metres away at that fruitful suntec outlet, and they were, well, blatantly staring.

If not for the fact that I was the only girl sitting facing them and F and Wong had their backs towards the guys, I'd never have even started to contemplate that L might have been looking at me.

Because F is so much prettier, and I know it.

But I sincerely did think he might have been looking at me.

And that made me very happy, because L was, then, dream guy material! He was totally what I'd sketch out on foolscap paper - the M hair (long fringe, centre parting. A bit toot now yes, but it was yr 2001 ok!), two dimples, bell bottomed jeans (retro sia!), and a white tee. All he needed was a pretty horse to prance on.

I had an eye and mouth feast that day at dinner, but of course, I didn't expect any follow-up actions.

When the three of us walked out to send me back to work, we found L's friend standing outside KFC waiting, and he swaggered (I have a vague impression he did coz he was an ah beng) over to us. L was nowhere to be seen.

That guy kept his eyes on F, and I was skipping inside, thinking that if he gets F's number then I can hit on L! Yay!

But no, he said that he was just helping L get F's number, which F did give in the end (I think because I asked her to).

I got genuinely depressed after that. Why is it that things like this happen? I started directing at anger at superficial men, which is totally unreasonable because 1) I cannot expect L to see beyond looks from a KFC dinner and 2) the only reason why I am feeling jealous is because I like him and he is handsome.

Since F had a boyfriend then and she was not interested in L, I told her to tell L that her number is about to be terminated, and to call me on my hp number (note for the slow: It means impersonation).

My plan was to play a prank on L. Very childish one ok, tell you first. I was to continue talking to him on the phone till he tells me that he likes me, in which after that I'd exclaim, "but you only like me because of my looks!" and after which he'd say, No, after talking for so many days he likes me coz of my character and after which I'd say, "so even if I am not pretty you'd still like me?" and after which he'd be obligated to say "Yes" and I'd go like, "TADAH! I am not F, I am YANYAN THAT UGLY GIRL WAHAHAHA!"

Very boh liao right.

So anyway, in case you wanted to know the plan flopped after two hours. I was talking to him, impersonating F's face with my own information, which meant that he thought F was working for Ascend as well. Which I think she actually did anyway.

Let's not go into confusing logistics now.

As it is I am not a dishonest person, and I did not feel good about lying. In any case my plan was brilliant to me then, and I wanted to share it with anyone I can talk to, which was only L. But of course I can't tell him about it.

So anyway, there he was telling me about the chemistry he felt for me and so on, and HE INSISTED ON COMING TO FIND ME AT WORK THE NEXT DAY (which I stupidly mentioned the venue)!!

Horrifying. If he comes, he'd find only me, and the expected disappointed face is more than I can bear. God did I feel lousy. Inferior and ugly, among other worse emotions.

After talking some more, I burst out the truth, and I think L was disgusted with that little, erm, harmless? prank.

Nonetheless, he was quite empathetic and was still civil to me. I whimpered, "So you not coming tomorrow already is it?", conveniently forgetting that he'd be obligated to say yes if I asked in that forlorn manner.

And so he did. It was a horrible dinner. He told me later that night that it is not about the looks but about the chemistry. He said he tried, but it just didn't feel correct.

I feel like "yeah right"ing, but I can see his POV (as in F and I were very different in character and the general "feel"), although it also stands that no normal guy would feel outright (only based on looks) chemistry for an ugly chick lah, cmon. Who are we kidding?

A month passed. L and I are no longer in contact (if truth be told, I didn't really get along that well with him, and yes, I admit there was a lack of chemistry). F has also broken up with her then boyfriend.

One day, I was out with F and we were supposed to meet a bunch of her friends. She couldn't answer her phone while it rang in the cubicle, so she passed it to me underneath the door.

By the time I answered, it had stopped ringing. I naturally pressed to see whose call I missed, and the whole list of missed calls appeared.

L's name was there.

I stood there stunned for a moment, and I asked, "You still keep in contact with L?!"

She mumbled yes, why? She then admited that she has been talking to him sometimes, but didn't tell me coz she is scared I get angry.

And angry I was. It wasn't the fact that she was talking to him, but that she delibrately hid it from me.

After a few weeks, they got together. She asked me if I am ok, but I don't really think I was. I don't know what is it that made me feel so lousy - maybe it was a slight sense of betrayal that she'd date someone whom I liked, or maybe I just felt lousy about myself....

Our friendship deteriorated from then on. I thought they'd last for a few months and things would mull over. But no ... It went on for four years and with the absence of contact for such a long period, we just cannot get back the closeness we used to share.

Yet I cannot blame her. Who am I to stop her from liking and being with him?

Up till today, that incident still makes me rather sad. Grey skies, lonely rooms and cellulite. =(

And well, that's only one occasion. Of course, some of you know that Adryan used to like F too. Some of you might be thinking, FUCK LAH, learn your lesson and stop hanging out with very good looking girls lah! But no! I am a fucking moth, I am. I get burned on one wing, and I get very angry and sit down at one corner and sulk while complaining to Shuyin on my starhub phone, then I decide to flutter to candlelight again and burn my leg.

Time and again it happens. Me introduce guy I like to girlfriend, guy falls for girlfriend. Whoop! So fun! Let's do it again! Me introduce guy I like to girlfriend, guy falls for girlfriend. Again, again!

STOP IT ALREADY!

It's not only F... In primary school it was another really pretty best friend, in secondary school it was F, then in poly it was June. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

"Hey your friend very pretty leh, can I get to know her?" NO! SHUT UP AND GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A CACTUS YOU FUCKING HORNY BASTARD!!!

Tamade.

What's my point?

My point is now, I am very paranoid about the guys I like liking my girlfriends. I get reminded of my painful past experiences, and I don't want to go near that ever again.

It causes tension, it causes pain, I'd never recover from the ego bruise --- and I might lose my girlfriend. Double that, because it is fucking DUI that I WAS THE IDIOT WHO INTRODUCED THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I introduced the guy I like to a girlfriend recently. Did I already said I am an incorrigible fucking stupid moth?

I realised that although they both behaved very normally (in fact far less touchy than they usually would have done - for my sake), I get super paranoid whenever they touch, or sit particularly close, or what's not. It gets on my nerves so much that I spiral into a horrible mood everytime it happens.

On the other hand, I did mention to the two of them that I don't like them being close, but who I am to command them to do anything for me? The guy is not my boyfriend (things have not changed so much for dream guy --- he still has the two dimples though not, thankfully, anything else mentioned above).

But I have a very good theory about this. There is, I always say, no need to bother about who is right and who is wrong, because it is not definitive.

There is, however, a certain known fact: which is that I'd get upset when they are close. Whether or not I have a right to get upset is one thing, but it remains true that if they know I'd get upset and still do it anyway, they have a blatantly disregard for my feelings -- which is just mean.

When she wanted to take a photo with him (nothing wrong with that), she and him secretly did the series of photos while I was not around (was in another room comforting another friend).

I'd got nothing to say for the guy, because guys would be guys. Maybe he enjoys the attention in the form of jealousy, or maybe he feels that me being upset if not reason enough for him to deprive himself of the normal stuff he does, or maybe he doesn't know I'd be that upset. I'd wouldn't know. So be it lor. I also lan lan right?

But I am really disappointed with my girlfriend.

It doesn't matter that it is mere photo taking and there is nothing wrong with hugging each other during photo taking sessions, but fact remains that SHE KNOWS that I wouldn't like it (and she promised no flirting with him before she met him. Some might argue that photo taking is not flirting, but certainly even an idiot can tell that the connotations and basis of "not flirting" is that I do not want him to fall for her - meaning she shouldn't flaunt herself, show herself to be overtly available and easy, or do anything that might tempt him. In other words, her body language shld always be: I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU) and still went ahead to do it anyway. Worst still, behind my back.

But well, she apologized. Still, not something I can just forget.

I fucking hate being ugly. Ok maybe not ugly, coz I am really pretty, but well, apparently not good enough. Fucking hell. Well, if you are thinking what is the link between this paragraph and the last paragraph (since the guy I like did not fall for my girlfriend, thank goodness), it is that if I were so goddamn perfect, I'd never doubt myself, if not about character then at least that he is more attracted to her physically than to me. Then they can flirt all I want and I'd be like, "Who cares, check out my kickass tits!" and go around curling my hair as per normal.

But no.


- A friend once told me, "But you are not common and normal, you are a celebrity." And I replied, "Yeah but the only reason why I became a celebrity, is because the world likes to read how common and normal I am." -

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