2005-08-12

Dear Miss Furong

Hi! I am assuming, that being the famous China star you are right now, starring in movies and what's not, you will not actually chance upon my humble site.

I am also assuming, that your supposed English blog is not really written by you, and therefore you do not read my blog. (If you are indeed the writer then I have to tell you that the "sister" is redundant in your blog title because jiejie already means sister, no? Hmmm...)

If you happen to chance upon this blog entry, I shall first sincerely apologize for the harsh words I have yet to write but will, but please do take it with a large quantity of salt.

You see, I cannot not do this.

Yesterday, a blogder of mine emailed me telling me not to be upset. She said that I am pretty, because even though I do edit my photos, I can't be half that bad, as photoshop can only do that much.

I'm coming to the point which is relevant to you! See, she also further joked that even photoshop cannot help me if I am an ugly ass like you. (she say one hor, not me)

Inwardly I gloated in self-satisfaction and I think, were I a normal male blogger, I would have smirked and wanked with absurd vigour, for that email is very pleasing indeed to behold. But fortunately for my keyboard (which is the dirtiest household item according to research, beating the toilet bowl seat), I just pondered about what this blogder said.

Can photoshop save Furong Jiejie?





Yes Furong, I'll say probably no too.

With that I started on the near impossible, which is to beautify you...

But first, like a plastic surgeon, I must first analyse what is wrong before I do so.

Well, erm, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you are too fat. Maybe in China, it is a trend to resemble a walrus, but in Singapore, I assure you you are considered to be too fat. Even I, with my infinitely small 22.5" waist, am said to be fat by the ridiculously high standards set by Singaporean boys.

Furong Jie, for goodness sake go jogging. Indeed, jogging creates a sweaty vulva which is highly unattractive, but no one will suddenly request to perform cunninlingus on you anyway if you are fat, so well it's sweaty genitalia or nothing!

Speaking of exercise, I also suggest you get to a pool (coincidentally does China have swimming pools?) and get a tan. I know! Some people have that bai li tou hong (red sheen underneath pale skin) glow when they are white. But not you. You, like me when I was fair, look pretty pallid. So go get a tan! You can also go to a beach, but refer to said walrus problem.

Right. While we are on the topic of fat, WHAT IS THAT YOU ARE WEARING?! I don't know if clothes are like that in China, but someone, ANYONE, should tell you Furong, that flower-prints top and flower-prints bottom DO NOT LOOK GOOD TOGETHER! You may argue that they are clearly different flowers, and one is blue while the other is pink (many petals five petals yada yada), but that is hardly the point!

And you made it worse by standing in front of more plants - now in green! Wow. Not smart.

I know you love your S-shaped body, but empire-cut tops with a loose circumference is clearly not for you, babes. It is flaring out, if you didn't already see that. FLARING OUT. In fact, it flared out so much that you can hide a few chickens inside and people will be none the wiser.

Now we go to your face. MAKE UP! Your eyes are one big one small, and your pupils look very funny. When I say funny, I don't mean like ha-ha funny, I mean shitass weird funny. Your jawline is flabby but I'll fix that, no problemo don't you worry, and your nose is big.

They also flare, like your blue-flowered blouse. (refer to previous joke about chickens, and replace chickens with guppies)

I think you are old, aren't you? I am no curator but I'll age you around 38. When you are that old, you do not give tired smiles. It mades me jaded about life just to look at you. It is with utmost self-disciple that I didn't just slide into a life of sudden destitution.

Your ears are very clean, good for you!

I'm almost done! We now come to the part everyone has been avoiding, because it is so in-your-face. Your armpits. Furong jie, when the flab on your arms threaten to engulf you, you do not encourage them by flashing them to the world. I don't like the pits, but I suppose it only looks revolting coz ... I don't know, I think it's just you I guess.

So yes... Let me try to work some magic...

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NICE NOT??! Well, let me tell you what is changed:



I trimmed down your nose and face, and made you thin. I added blusher and eyeshadow (and some lashes too). I pushed your eyebrows lower, and pushed your mouth higher.

I took away blemishes and dark eye rings. I made your skin a little bit more glowing.

AS A FINISHING TOUCH I EVEN GAVE YOU ELF EARS! How cool is that? You know that show LOTR? Yeah, elves are very hot right now.

But the thing is... I cannot get rid of how weird your pupils look. They look even more weird now, though I didn't touch the pupils.

And meanwhile, Furong, you must pump up the estrogen!

YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN! I thought the small nostils will cure that manly problem, but clearly it didn't.

I know, it obviously doesn't even slighly look like you anymore, but what to do? I am an artist mah (oh you know, nowadays anyone who paints a few pictures can call themselves artists and suddenly become experts on art), and aesthetics is very important to me so I didn't stop until ... you don't look the least bit like yourself anymore lor.

I hope you like it hor. I am going to sleep now, I am so tired! Oh btw, if you had a body like my after photo I will surely fuck you, if I had a dick and at least two condoms. Nights!

Post-note: Firstly, do try not to insult the girl, for in all chances someone who types that kind of English does not know how to get round the fact that China bans Blogger. It is a Singaporean who did up FRJJ's English site, so don't bash her for being bhb. I do not think she will read this thus my straightforwardness, and I hope she won't (because China bans blogspot sites), but I also want to state that my readers' comments do NOT represent my stand.

And also, thanks for all the PS compliments ya all. Make me fly up to the sky liao. =) *hugs*

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