2005-08-10

Together Singapore, Singapore!

This shall be a boring, and not funny entry.

Sang Nila Utama saw a singa and named us Singapura.

If he saw a pig, then we are babipura? Ba bi po!

I just came back from watching The Maid (it is not that bad actually) with Kelvin and his friends, and sorry for the lack in updates, for I was at a chalet last night!

On Monday evening, I had a nice dinner with tomorrow.sg's editors, and then I had to rush off to fetch Smelly from the MRT station. When they (editors) curiously asked where I am going, I said, "My (mother's side) family had a little quarrel, so now we are having a chalet to patch things up a bit. Everything can be settled over overnight mahjong!"

Awww... I felt a warm feeling inside when I said that.

It has been so long since I last had a gathering with my aunties, grandpa, uncles and cousins, and we stayed up all night to talk nonsense in the chalet. =) Very good. It is nice to be with your own family, because there is no pretence, and nobody dislikes each other (and still pretend to like). Even if people do, after so many years we have all sort of learned to accept each other anyway.

During mahjong I started singing National Day songs at the top of my voice, and my semi-deaf Ah gong (grandpa), who rarely talks, swept his hand across the mj table near my face, and said a singular "OEI!"

My cousins all laughed at me for being scolded, by a semi-deaf grandpa no less, for horrible singing. It is that bad meh? In case you are wondering, the song he didn't like is "Count on me Singapore".

I realised that I enjoy staying over at chalets with aunties better than with friends! For one, these aunties (momo included) love cooking, and as 'kids', all you have to do is eat. Eat, and accompany Ah gong to play mahjong. If you don't have money to lose, Mommy will sponsor. =D Shiok not? Maid cleans, and the adults will drive you everywhere and pay for everything.

Jumping abruptly back to the blogger's dinner, I've to say that Mrbrown is really a disgustingly good man. I mean, we all know he is the sort who loves his family a lot, but sometimes he sprouts some more lovey stuff out of the blue just to give you the good old AWWWww while you least expect it.

We were just eating, when he looked at the menu while commenting, "Wah, the food here not bad ah? I must bring The Wife here some day."

I cannot remember, but I think LMD asked him whether or not he eats out often, and brownie replied, "Yeah lor, every Friday....


"Once in a week must make her feel special mah. Because weekend is for the kids already, no time for her."


Even as I write this I got the tingling feeling. I mean, seriously... How many men can say that, and stick to it as a principle?

Whenever I see Brown I wonder... All these guys I've always liked... The good-looking chaps, the rich jocks and the jerks... Perhaps I have been wrong about the sort I should want. So what if I marry Brad Pitt? He will run away with a sexier lady in the end! Or maybe I get Jude Law? He will probably fuck my best friend and break my heart.

Bah! Maybe my cousin Cally's golden words are right: It is more important that a man is faithful and love you to bits, than anything else. (Cally if you are reading this go make a baby NOW so I can stop hounding Shuyin's cousin for Abbie)

Recently I have been one emotional wreck. I know, I sound like one of those stupid female bloggers who constantly say such things and continues the 20-lined paragraph with things like they cannot sleep, they cry whenever they see lizards, or WHATEVER. ANNOYING, such girls. Constantly saying they are sick of life, they feel drained etc. Please lah if you are so consistently miserable I suggest you go kill yourself - or buckle up and quit whining.

But still, I feel like one of them recently, although please, I am not so kua zhang until I get all emo over a hamstring or something ridiculous like that.

See, the thing is... You know the Class 95 blind dates right?

Well, one of the contestants that I chose, well let's just say I found his blog.

I realised that he wrote an entry about me, and ... it is not nice. It is not an old entry mind you, it was written when I got hacked, which is fairly recently.

His first sentence started out saying that the first thing he thought when he saw I was hacked ... was ...

Make a guess...

YES, THAT I DESERVED IT.

Did you know that I was so fucking distressed during the hacking thing? I barely slept. I couldn't off the computer, and I had constant fears the hacker will delete my account or something, or hack me again. Whenever I keyed in my password my fingers shook.

And on top of that I am not blind. I read all of the trackbacks of the people who wrote their opinions about this incident, on Tomorrow.

Can you fucking believe that whilst I was already so ruined, I still had to deal with people saying I deserve it? Fuck that, seriously.

I hated all these people who were so cruel - and believe it or not, he was one of them. Yes, baby. When you wrote that entry, perhaps I am just this faraway being whom you care no less about. But I do read what people write about me, and I do feel upset when I read things.

So yes, he was one of those people. His entry chided the hacker for irresponsible actions, but he also said that he was - god - tickled by what the hacker did, because well, he said he saw me on TV and heard me on air, and my actions rubbed him the wrong way and he didnt like the way I carried myself. (I feel so yuan wang, what did I do wrongly this time? I don't remember being mean on TV)

We talked for multiple times during the radio show last week, and I liked him, as a person.

I naively thought all the contestants were sincere in wanting to get to know me better. I laughed at their jokes, I was seriously touched when they did things for me, and never would I have thought that one of them will secretly dislike me inside.

Up till now I cannot fathom why he joined.

I started to think of the reasons myself, and I got more and more upset and insulted as they dawned on me, these imaginary hurtful reasons.

Perhaps he was mocking me while his friends laughed and sneered, while listening to the radio, at how I stupidly believed that someone like him will ever be interested in me?

Perhaps it was a bet? Or maybe a sabotage?

I got more and more paranoid and I started crying (I KNOW! Emo wreck) coz I don't think I did anything to deserve this rubbish. Peter told me to join Blind Dates, and he said it is going to be fun. I said ok.

Whatever the reason is, the one thing this incident did was to really shatter my ego.

No, seriously. I know I have my fair share of admirers, but on the other end of the spectrum are guys who claim they are disgusted by me.

I used to always convince myself that the latter guys, very often the guys in forums who diss me, are FUCKING LOSERS THEMSELVES. Fat, smelly, pimply teens who do gaming all day long. They know a girl like me will never like them, they will never be able to get a girl like me, and thus, to "save face", they first claim they will never date me.

Smart huh? Who are you, losers? It it like me saying I will never date someone like George Clooney. Hello, he wants to date me first then I have the right to sprout such atrocity, ok? You won't want to date me? BET YOU WILL, IF I AGREE TO IT. But of course, I won't. =D I don't date LOSERS.

So I don't get very upset by these people who say Xiaxue is stupid, fat etc.

But having a perfectly normal, and maybe rather eligible, guy make you feel unworthy of him is another thing altogether.



Am I so bad, that even in a quest to find a guy for me bogus ones come apply? Maybe the others also signed up because... I DON'T KNOW! I feel like I cannot trust the world anymore.

I got so upset that I called Yasminne while she was in Hongkong. Within that one action, that one single blog entry that this guy did, my entire self-confidence is gone.

We wrote each other, via email. He said he was wrong, and that opinions change, and that he was sincere when he took part, but I don't think trust can be built so easily. I do believe him, because he sounds like a nice person really (in the rest of the blog entries he was very nice... wonder what I did to make him ooze out his rare venom when I got hacked).

We'll see how things go tomorrow then.

Meanwhile, I opened my mail, and someone told me, taunting, that my "boyfriend" wrote that I am short, small-breasted and photoshopped - and not good enough for him.

I was like, huh? But having a hunch, I opened Kenny's site anyway, and shockingly enough, the chao Kenny really wrote that.

I started crying again (I told you I am an emotional wreck right now, usually I am not like that). Kenny was joking, but because I was already feel very low about myself, I couldn't see the humour in it. I told Kenny that nobody will find that he is joking, because I really am short, small-breasted, and I do edit my photos.

All my ego needed, was someone who has seen and interacted with me in real life, to confirm all these things about me.

Thanks ah Kenny, but not now ok? *whacks Kenny on the head with a walrus*

Right. I still feel like an emotional wreck right now. DEEP BREATH. NOW WENDY, STOP FUCKING WALLOWING IN SELF-PITY. EMO WRECKS ARE SO NOT ATTRACTIVE.

Think positive. Now think of the guys who like you. Now think: Thousands of people read you, and daily, they are telling you they like you the way you are. Why do you only keep harping on the bad stuff that people say? Well yes, ok, the criticism do sink in a lot more, but many more like you than the handful who don't. FUCK CARE THEM!

Now Wendy, get back your usual cheerful self. If you think you are unattractive, do something about it, like buying new clothes!! =D

OKOK! I am better now after the solioquy! *sniffs* Who cares even if the blind date guy doesn't sincerely like me?

You do, right? =) I also say. I love myself too.

Speaking of good things, Shuyin and I are going to KL on Friday, together with Chua and his friends!

I TELL YOU, I AM GOING TO SHOP MY HEART OUT. I will buy so many clothes, and shoes, and bags! I will eat good food! I will look very nice when I come back! Ah, shopping therapy. =)

And of course, tune in to Class 95fm, Wednesday, 10pm.

Love ya all.

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