2005-02-26

What celebrity where?!!



*giggles*

Hello everyone! As some of you might have already known, I've recently been appointed (important voice) as LocalBrand's AMBASSADOR! Wah! Zhun boh?

So what's this LocalBrand thingy? LocalBrand is a local brand for t-shirts with some, eh, daringly different messages. =) I like! Its handsome founder, Turodrique Fuad (his forehead here - doesn't look too handsome though.), was apparently around the shop when I was looking at his tees and declared himself a blog reader.

Things got on from there and I am now 3 months pregnant. Ha! Kidding. KIDDING! So anyway, we decided that I'd be the perfect endorsement board, as, according to him, I'm controversial and pretty like his tees. =)

I asked Turodrique (pronounced To-raw-drick) what happens if LocalBrand goes overseas and he said something like it will maintain its name. *shrugs, mumbles, no longer local what ...* Anyway that's not the point! Lookie at the pink wholesome sluts tee on top! That's LocalBrand! If you wanna see more, feel free to look at the site I guess. And if you like them, drop Turodrique an email. He'll squeal in joy! Even better, buy the tees. If you don't like the messages, i.e you have something against all the three teated women or wholesome sluts in the world, YOU CAN ALSO BURN HIS TEES AND DROP HIM A HATEMAIL!! Yay!

Might as well answer some FAQs here:

**************


Is this the first time bloggers are getting paid for endorsement deals ala celebrities?

In Asia at least, I'm pretty sure it is the first. And I am honoured I am part of it. ;)

What do you think this symbolises?

I guess it is interesting to know that it is no longer just the models, actresses, or singers who are actually earning money from their fame. I foresee that more such deals are coming for the bloggers because not only do the bloggers have constant explosure without having to vie for airtime, they also have full editorial control as well as a certain credibility among its readers which the other stars might not have.

Are you gonna become this disgusting money-making bitch who is gonna bombard us with advertisements? Are you not going to be as truthful as you used to be?

No! I've had some other endorsement offers before this which I turned down because the brand is not ME. I'd never endorse anything which is not me. Editorial content will be exactly like before. I wouldn't force you guys to buy anything. If you like it, go ahead. If you don't ... well take it as a normal tee that I'm just wearing!

How much is this Turodrique guy paying you? Who is he anyway? Why is his name like that?

He is paying me 2 peanuts everytime I wear the tees. Ha! Nah... Industrial SECRET. FUCK DO I FEEL HAPPY! I remember the umpteen times I have to ask the stupid stars when I was working for Today how much the companies are paying to endorse them and they give me the smug face and say how sorry they are but they cannot reveal the amount. NOW MY TURN! Ask me again leh!

Ok, how much is he paying you, again?

Eh, I'm sorry but I cannot tell you. I can safely say it is an ambiguous 7 digit figure. Non Sg currency, that is.

And Turodrique ... Well his name is very weird coz he is Indonesian Chinese (*sniggers* their names are all very funny one lar) and all I know is that he quit a high paying design firm (his own, that is) to start the brand. The name is actually Rodrique but his grandpa or dad, cannot remember which, insisted on the Tu in front as that's the surname or something (then what is Fuad? Apparently I wasn't listening). His brother is called Turonny. Like very Tyranny. Heng no brother is called Bao Zi.

Are you exploiting us?!!!

... HOW?

Sheesh, are you gonna keep wearing tee shirts? But I wanna see more boob!

I'd remember to tell Turodrique to cut two holes in the boob area for his next tee.

I suppose you are darn full of yourself right now? *disgusted smirk*

Damn right, it's better than yours. I can teach you, but I have to charge. la la la...


**************


Still too hot! I'd try to blog tmr afternoon. Loads and loads to write about. Love ya all!

Comments about the pics!! =)

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2005-02-24

Just so you know ...

I just stepped into my room, which has no aircon, from my mum's room, which has aircon.

Immediately, the heat greeted me like a giant punch enveloping every part of my body, its intensity a shocking high.

I tolerated it enough to drag myself into the sweltering room, where I turned on the computer and typed out this much.

I cannot stand it any longer. I am sure I am getting a heat stroke. Dizzyness, visions of leafy mirages, melting necks - aren't all these signs of my condition?

The love for blogging, though reaching a pretty amazing peak these few days due to the rarity of the activity, is not sufficient for me to risk deathhhhh......... *melts*

I am gonna scurry back to the airconditioned room; it is too hot to blog.

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2005-02-16

How V Day came and went

Blogging at 6.33am. Amazing. Apparently I went to my brother's room to sleep because of the aircon he on in view of the ridiculously hot weather, and I slept on the mattress below his bed. At 6am, when the loud alarm signalling school rang, I felt a dark ominous foreboding, completely with hungry vultures flying overhead.

Expectedly, he jumped off the bed in absurd violence and vigor - one foot landed on my foot, and the other on the same leg's calf bone. I tell you, it almost broke.

My mind kept flashing certain rude vulgarities I'd have loved to shout in his face, so I couldn't sleep again. And therefore, I am blogging.

!@*#&$#*$

Some of you asked me how the V day application went. One word to sum it all: Utter failure. Two words, my bad. Actually, amidst the series of penis shots and horrors of horrors: a boy playing counterstrike or something (he must be 14!) there was a pretty pleasant guy who looked quite promising. Fact that he has a nice car helped of course.

I decided to add him on MSN first before calling or meeting, because MSN is a good way to avoid people if you don't like them - whereas you can't do that in a call or meeting.

I am aware that he is possibly reading this feeling quite horrified, but hey dude - it's anonymous! I'm sorry, but it is too funny to let go, amidst mean.

This was how the conversation went:

Him: Do you even do anything besides blogging?

Me: ....









ROOOOOOOOOARR!

I HATE THAT QUESTION!! If there is one starter that can rub me off the wrong way, it is that question. So many reasons why it is wrong:

1) It is assuming that I don't have a life besides blogging - which is (very) rude.
2) Are you stupid, or stupid? I BLOG ABOUT WHAT I DO. What you do mean "do I do anything besides blogging?" If I don't do anything besides blogging, what can I blog about?
3) I don't like people asking me about my hobbies/interests. I reply to that question rudely even when it is asked by innocent internet websites. I know the query itself is innocuous, but I stated in a recent blog entry that I don't like it nonetheless. This fellow clearly doesn't read my blog - so scoot off if you can't be bothered to find out more about the girl you are going to have a freaking date with.


Back to the conversation.

I said, "Did you, even for a moment, assume that I only blog all day?!"

He said something along the lines of No, and asked what my interests are.

So I replied, "Intellectual banter."

And he said, "So...."


I was frowning at the screen at this point of time. What the hell is he trying to say?

I replied, "'So...' is definitely not considered intellectual banter!"

Him, "Yeah... But I was trying to find out your answer."

Me, "HUH?!"

Him, "You have not answered my question what!"

Me, "I did, I said I like intellectual banter!" And this is clearly not one.

He laughed and said he didn't realised. Eh. I think he didn't know what banter means.

After a few more minutes of antagonising conversation which felt more like teenage mIRC than anything else, I realised a mutual sense of humour was clearly lacking, and blocked him from the recesses of my MSN list forevermore. Bless me.

So anyway, in the end I went out with a male, but platonic, friend of mine, who bought me to a Japanese restaurant because all other places were full. Bah! I don't like Jap food. I don't eat raw things! And I don't like weird unnameable veggies (esp if they are sour/raw), garnishings (inclusive: parsley, onions, ginger, etc) and I don't like innards. Japanese food has them all, although, to it's credit, it is not as bad as Vietnamese food.

Let me go off on a tangent. I have no idea what that cliche means but it does sound cheam, doesn't it? As I was saying, no offence to you disgusting Vietnamese people, but boy does Vietnamese food taste like shit. On top on very NORMAL beef soup, they add lemon grass, which despite arguments that it tastes good with curry, IS A FREAKING GRASS! Its name clearly says it is a grass. We are not cows. Cows eat grass. We are eating cows. It is ironic and rude to the cow that you are eating it, and cooking it with its food. Savvy?

And besides the grass they randomly throw into bland street meals to attempt to turn it into gourmet specialities, they also generously sprinkle GROUNDED parsley into the food. I never knew the world had a severe shortage of parsley; surely most of the world's parsley plantations were in my damned bowl of beef noodles. Ratio of parsley to soup? 7:1

Now, surely not all people like parsley? A good 50% of people I know don't eat it (I insist it is meant for purely decorative/torture purposes).

THEN WHY GROUND IT? Cannot just put on whole big piece in, like Angmohs do, is it? People who like it eat it. People who don't, take it out effortlessly. The last time I paid like $15 for a normal bowl of beef noodles, I had to spend 20 minutes fishing out all the parsley drifting happily inside my food and occasionally suffer a small heart attack when I almost bit into a weird veggie (which is, no doubt, more grass).

Never again.

I HATE Vietnamese food. It reminds me of war and suffering (cheap ingredients that feel like they were plucked off a nearby forest) where people go a bit nutters so they try to poison others. Never again.

Back to the V day meal at the Jap restaurant.

My date convinced me to bite into a clitoris-like beige-coloured suspicious-looking fairly-enormous clam covered in honey mustard (isn't honey mustard angmoh?). I should have known that things that really look like genitals should not taste good, but he gave me a disgusted look that clearly showed he discriminated boring and unadventurous girls like me, so I popped the whole thing into my mouth.

IT WAS RAWWWwwwwwww!!!!!!

I almost died. Killed by a raw clam.

The rest of the set dinner was much better after that horrific start, inclusive of teriyaki duck (nice!), COOKED fish with cream sauce (love cream sauce!), mushroom soup (had ginger inside but threw into date's bowl), tuna sashimi (didn't touch it - date rampaged through it happily) and dessert. I think that's it.

Horror - $216 bucks for two people! And almost killed by that raw clam too! Damn, they should be paying me! Fear factor pays people, right? I ate a raw clam!

After this my friend had to go home to work! *cough nerd cough*

So yup! Photos!!



Every year's chu xi (day before New Year) means helping mommy to pow the Angpows and having a damn good excuse to stay up late! (Because staying up late is supposed to aid your parents live up to a ripe old age.)

I started my spring cleaning at 4pm and ended at 6 freaking AM. You wouldn't believe how dirty my room is. I actually siphoned a baby cockroach into the vacuum cleaner and it made me DAMN HAPPY! Grrr hate cockroaches. Very gleeful when I think of it having to walk through all that dust! It must be sneezing, ha ha... AND ALL MY DROPPED HAIR! Serve him right for being a cockroach.

Speaking of cockroaches, I saw a damn big one the other day, along a road. I was on the pavement beside that road, waiting for a cab. The cockroach was running along quite madly in frentic circles around 1 metre wide.

Presently a cab cruised along, and I was chanting and hoping it will crush the vermin, but thinking the chances are pretty low. To my shock, the tire, while I was still looking, actually rolled on top of the cockroach.

You know what is the most astonishing thing? The "POP" was VERY LOUD! Pop goes the cockroach! Really! I am so surprised that cockroaches can explode with such satisfying results. But it was gross la. The cockroach got rolled over by the second tire, although it was a soft crunching sound this time. POP!

The uncle said hello to me cheerfully! He doesn't know he is a murderer!

Where was I? Spring cleaning room.

Very clean now!



Table ... SO NEAT!



Shelf ... And yes I drew that Jerry Yan thingy when I was 17 I think. Or 18. Can't remember. I didn't finish it so it is rotting there at the corner. Tsk. But ... SO NEAT!



Having all my multitude of earrings all jumbled up in a mess, I came up with an ingenious way of handling them!

Nailed two thumbtacks into the wooden cupboard beside my dressing table and tied satin ribbons! Yay! Very convenient now. The stud earrings can't be put there though, so they are all in some other drawer.



June gave me to me from her Japan trip. It is supposed to be put outside Cloudy's house.

... -_-

Excuse me, but Cloudy is very far from being a meng quan (fierce dog).



Speaking of June, she and Clara are leaving for Australia for studies tomorrow. I am very sad but I shall shut up coz June wants to pretend like she is actually not going and avoid the issue. She doesn't even want us to go send her off coz she said it is very "saddening".

...














BAH! -_-

Don't go leh!

Sheesh. Happier things, happier things.



That's me with the cousins on my daddy's side. I tried to make the currypok-hair thing but failed miserably.



Closer look. My brother forever so chao bin one, dunno is it not enough angpow or what.



Me with grandparents and cousin. I love my gramps! Stayed with them when I was young.
Sheesh. Say only, never do. I shall - new year resolution - visit them more often! Horrible. NO FILIAL PIETY AT ALL.




Birdy and I went to Wanyi's place for visiting! Had pizza. We lost horrifically to her brother in mahjong, although never play money. Gosh. Oh yeah, I tried to blur the background in an attempt to make my camera look professional, but FAILED. Alas.



With Wanyi ... Caught her in mid-bite!



We forced Shuyin to model for the grape-juice-pretending-to-be-champagne, and put two oranges on her shoulders in tribute to their straightness.



Wah. Act chio!



Cheers, Gong xi fa cai!

I'm gonna try to sleep now. RAW CLAMmmms!!!

p/s: No insulting the poor intellectual banter guy. Only I can be mean. He was nice ok! Mean comments will be deleted.

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2005-02-15

Thou shalt not...

Read any blogs until Friday because EVERYONE IS BLOODY WRITING ABOUT VALENTINE'S DAY! *seethes*

See no evil, see no evil.

Urgh! Very suay to open a site and accidentally see couples smooching all over. Jian gui le!

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2005-02-13

Cock-favouring females

Wanyi and Shuyin were just talking online (with me added into the conversation) about this mutual ugly friend of theirs who is very disgusting. According to them, the girl is the typical kind who acts all cutesy and demure towards males, but ignores the females totally. You know the kind who is totally different when around males and around females?

*breathes in deeply*

Right. I must calm down.

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I FUCKING HATE SUCH GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I cannot. I cannot. I cannot stand THEM! Having the misfortune to experience one such girl recently, my hatred for such appalling behaviour has deepened into to a bottomless abyss.

I was at a party (been to many parties recently, so friends reading this can stop guessing) and there was this girl around. Apparently, because she is relatively cute-looking, she was popular with the men. Why, speaking of men. Men are disgusting, desperate, cheap creatures. As long as the girl is slightly cute, they would be total sluts around the girl, ay? Fucking unfair, but hey, that's life. That's why cosmetics are earning so much, ditto slimming centres.

So where was I? Chummy around the men at the party, yes. There she was, fluttering around, plastic smile in place, hugging this guy around the waist; kissing that guy on both cheeks. "Hello Jerry, happy new year!" "Hello Keith, come here, I miss you!"

I was thinking to myself this is a nice friendly girl, and went to speak to her. Big mistake. She stared at me, and, contemplating between wasting to her efforts to reply because I don't have a penis and just giving a patronising smile, decided that my question is not redundant enough to reasonably ignore, and gave a one-word answer. Before I could further the conversation, she grabbed a random penis around the corner and started to talk to it animatedly.

I assure you if that question was asked by a creature with more leg hair, she'd giggle in sweet laughter and come out with the wittiest retort she can muster.

I fucking hate such girls.

Why the discrimination? Because I don't have a penis to poke into your fucking itchy vagina is it? Is that it, huh? Because if you are that horny I can buy a dildo you know, slut?!

Very angry, as you can read. Not that I didn't try to be nicer to her; maybe she just wasn't close enough to me. But no! She plain refused to make any sort of conversation. Imagine this: A group of people sitting around - Slut, me, and two other guys. Guy A says a joke about her, she replies in glee and laughs loud. I continue the joke (which requires her reply to complete) - she ignores me completely. Very very rude right?

Girls (who are not like that), can you tell me why some females would so blatantly behave in such a manner? Fucking disgusting, that's what it is.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT IS THE MOST IRRITATING THING?!! The men, so blinded by that facade of cuteness, totally ignores the fact that these girls are damn phony. Really, try it. Men are horny and oblivious to such details. Just try to tell the guys that this girl is damn disgusting, and I can almost hear them arguing, "She is OK what ... She is actually a very nice person lah ... You don't know her well enough ..."

FUCK YOU!!!!111 SHE IS NOT NICE!

Shuyin's friend is even worse. Apparently the girl has a habit of distributing sweets to all the guys in the school. This is what happened: Shuyin and a penisless friend were talking outside the girl's classroom.

After talking there for around five minutes, a GUY walked pass. Immediately up she sprung, and was so quick in offering the guy a damn sweet that she looked merely a moving blur.

Ahem. The girls were talking about 5 whole minutes there and you don't offer them?! Then one guy comes along and you run to him? Hello?!

And guess what? She didn't continue to offer sweets to SY and female friend!! HOW ATROCIOUS!!! SO RUDE!

Sy, feeling indignant no doubt, asked her, "Why never give to me?" in a joking manner. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE SLUT DID?! SHE WALKED AWAY! WTF!

Very annoying. You know what I would have did if I such a thing happened to me in secondary school? I am a damn chao ah lian - I'd loudly ask her in front of everyone why she is behaving in that cock-favouring manner. "Is it because I don't have a dick for you to suck that's why I don't deserve a sweet? Why are you always so sweet and nice to the boys but such a bitch to fellow females?" I'd ask. Such girls deserve no mercy.

Hope they all die.

p/s: Pictures in a short while!

Editor's Note: A lot of Blogders don't seem to get THE POINT, so I shall summarise it here: It is not wrong to be nice to MEN. It is wrong to be nice to only men, and HORRIBLE to females. For instance, if you want to offer sweets, give it to everyone, inclusive of females. If you are a totally nice person, why discriminate? It can only mean you are making a false effort - and you are rotten inside. Cheers, and stop missing the POINT.

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2005-02-08

Happy Cock Chinese New Year!

Once upon a time there was a Donkey and a Bull talking cock together at a nice green pasture.

With a cock of his head, the Donkey, an old and kindly fellow, gently nudged the Bull.

"Hey," said the Donkey tentatively, for the Bull was known to be a cocky one and might take offence at the slightest hint of an insult. "What do you think of the Chinese New Year? Its coming, year of the Cock, I heard."

"YIKES!" screamed the Donkey, before the startled Bull can even breathe in and begin to answer. Of course, this is very rude, and the Bull frowned (or attempted to since Bulls cannot really frown), failed, and decided to flare his nostrils in a vicious Bull-like manner instead.

"COCKANATHAN!" Bull exclaimed, angry at being interrupted although he hasn't really begin to speak. "If you wanna ask me a question at least listen to my answer!"

"No, old friend," said the Donkey. "I am just really shocked! That humongous thing between your legs ... IS THAT YOUR COCK?!"

"What?!" The Bull, curious whether it is really his cock the donkey is talking about, tried to turn around to look between his legs and failed extravagantly. He turned three full rounds and realised he looked extremely stupid and decided to settle for bellowing snot out of his nostrils instead.

"I can't see what you are talking about!" the Bull exclaimed, seeing red.

"Errrr..." said the Donkey, now chickening out because he is really terrified that the bull stampedes on him.

"What?!" repeated the Bull.

"It is really damn big for a cock, old friend!" said the Donkey. "You must see it. Let's go to a river, shall we?"

And so they did.

After some struggling, the Bull finally saw what Donkey meant, and with a swift kick from one of his hind legs, extracted a gigantic cock from between his legs.

"COCKles and Mussels! What the fuck are you doing hiding between my legs?!" the Bull roared at the Cock, now seriously trembling. Even as Donkey and Bull watched it, it dropped some more feathers, its wattles shaking in a rather grotesque manner.

The Cock was so big he almost reached up to the donkey's ass. Ass's ass! Ha.

That's besides the point. The big Cock whimpered, "I am just attracted to your hind legs!"

The Bull replied, "Don't lie to me you piece of chicken shit! I wouldn't believe you! You, like the rest of the animal kingdom, just heard the rumour that bull shit gets you to the top, and you want a piece of it!"

The big Cock, really damn big for a cock it is, sobbed into its chest feathers in a faggoty fashion.

The Donkey was about to ask the Bull to calm down and forgive the poor Cock when suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, the Cock imploded. Just like that, with a loud bang.

Feathers, viscera, and shockingly enough, an egg, all splattered on to the shocked Donkey and Bull.

The Donkey stared at the Bull.

The Bull stared back, and said loudly, "It wasn't me, I did nothing!" But it was too late. Some policemen dogs promptly came into the scene and arrested the Bull, pulling him by his horns.

The Donkey started his lonely walk home.

*****************


His wife was cooking.

"Hey dear, how was your trip out to the pasture today?" inquired the caring wife.

Donkey, still in a state of shock, started relating the whole story to her.

"Now," said the wife, attempting to put her hands on her hips but failing and falling forwards instead. "Don't you start sprouting rubbish to me ok? That was really some cock and bull story you just said."

*******************
p/s: The above story is supposed to be festive because of the repeated mentions of "cock".

HAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPYYY Chinese New Year!

*******************


Xiaxue over the Years!!

I took photos of my Grandma's framed photos of CNY over the years!



Ok this is not taken during CNY but well ... There I am at the side! My uncle's wedding.



Year 2000. I was still an Ah lian then I think. Was in RV so the hair has to be damn short! Wore some white SATIN pants! What the.



Year 2001! I don't know what got into me but I wore some putrid purple spandex halter neck thing. A normal halter would have ribbons to tie it behind the neck but mine had SLEEVES. After criss-crossing behind the back one has to stuff one's arms in.

The result? Exposed armpits. I don't know what got into me.



Wah lau. Damn unfortunate that I closed my eyes during the shoot. -_-



Wore a cheongsam. My hair was JUST permed and it looks damn disgusting. The tendrils. Oh gosh. But hey! Doesn't my brother look damn cute here? (Far left)



To blur to see anything la, sorry... Anyway, the bottom left is reflecting the TV! So ghostly right, like SHUTTER sia!


Ok that's about it. Going to sleep now, and Happy Chinese New Year!

p/s: I am disabling comments from now on because some smart alecks persist on writing some scholarly (inaccurate) analysis on the blog and I - which are totally irrelevant to the post, coincidentally what the comments is for. I delete the comments, why? Because I am lazy to argue with you. Why should I take time to refute? You are nobody to me. =) And your opinions don't matter. In case anyone mistakens my indifference as me being unable to win the argument, I simply delete. Besides, whats the point of arguing with retards? If you don't get it, you will never do.

I am very sick of accounting to people. Very very sick of doing it. Why should I account to you for my actions? Are you my mother? If you think I'm being, what?, hypocritical ... Well, ask me if I care what you think. No I don't. I blog because I have a voice, not because of whatever reasons you people assume. Did I know I'd become popular when I started? No. Then why did I start? The same reason I continue today. Once again, Happy Chinese New Year.

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2005-02-05

Would you rather ...

I blog rubbish for the sake of blogging, or blog nothing at all?

I'm in a bit of a dilemma myself.

I think I shall anyhow blog some rubbish out.

Let's talk about one mad friend of mine. He likes Margaret Lee and he wants to fuck her real bad!

I think that's quite crazy because she is really an auntie, isn't she? And my friend is like 24 or something. Madness. Why would any young man wanna screw an auntie leh??? Can be his mother.

And then I thought to myself ... When I become an auntie myself I'd definitely not be as hot as Ms Lee, then how?!?! No one will ever find me desirable ever again! Oh no!!!!

I will be very sad.

Anyway I think the boob cream she endorses (lifepharm is it?) is very stupid. Excuse me, but isn't your ambassador supposed to somehow prove that your stupid product works? BUT HELLO??! Margaret Lee's neh nehs are already FUCKING big before she used the damn product what! Just look at them spilling over her bikini top. In fact, I think most men are no longer reading my words. Super cock.

I think they should endorse me. Really! Don't scoff. My neh nehs are small, but I have BIG photoshop skills!! I am damn good, really. In fact, I think I shall go try do some for you guys to see. Wait ah...

Ok I shall do a google search on "bikini"...

AHA!!!!!!!!!



BEHOLD!!!




THE DUA NEH BU as transformed by Lifepharm boob cream!!!*

*Absolutely ficticious



Isn't she such a sweetie? TOO BAD! NO TITTIES! Therefore is not sexy! Let's exploit this woman's insecurity and make her buy some Lifepharm boob cream!!

And voila!~~~~~~~~



Back to the point. Margaret Lee's boob cream company ought to endorse me. I will, generously, include in my package a free photoshop job in which the mass majority of the stupid public, when looking at my before and after photos, will vehemently deny that any sort of unethical editing is done to it.

After which, I just have to film an advertisement where they show me gently, oh-so-gently, rub boob cream on to my miniscule boobs. I will also moan if I feel like it. Then, tadah! my tits are so big now!

*cue before and after photos*

After that, during the press conference, when reporters ask me how come I look like a normal B cup, I'd say that, erm, that is because I am not lactating. The press will then either, depending on whether they are Wan Bao members or not, frown upon my blonde-ness and report that all big titted women are stupid but yes, Lifepharm works, OR, urgently ask me whether I was pregnant before, who I fucked, and romantically link me to Edmund Chen or Christopher Lee for no reasons whatsoever.

Isn't it so perfect?

Oh yes it is! After which, I will become the media's darling and Newpaper will gimme some boob award and FHM and Maxim will both have to bid to feature me. People just walking on the streets will stop and gawk and I will charge them for extra minutes of gawking. I'd always be late for my appointments because so many people want to gawk, but my friends will forgive me because I am SO HOT! In fact, I think I will charge them for being my friends. I'd earn thousands!!

With my new-found wealth, I will go get a boob job! I will then swagger around, proudly resting my double F mammary wonders on tables whenever I can because they are so darn heavy (but HOT!).

When someone I don't really like comes to speak to me, no doubt wanting to view those twin miracles up-close, I'd screw up my button nose in benign frustration, and slap him around the face with my right tit. I plan to make them so big he'll be knocked out cold.

If he were not knocked out cold since he is a strong man, I will stomp off in a huff, and while he is staring at my back-view in awe (and lust), I will, instead of using the traditional hair, extravagantly flip my left breast off the back of my shoulder. If all goes as planned, the tit will even bounce off my back twice before resting happily at somewhere along the small of my waist.

Yay!

Haiz. Can't believe I wrote all those nonsensical stuff. Recently I've been rather frustrated coz it seems all the guys I like don't like me back leh. How? Why like that? I strongly believe someone has cursed me.

HOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW?? *more hysterically*

HOW DREADFUL! The horrid DAY IS COMING AGAIN! The dreaded Valentines' Day. Cock. I hate it. Every year same rubbish. I wish a grinch would come and steal V Day. Oei you lovey dovey people! I've got a special request this year. Can you all just stay at home and fuck? Don't go watch movie lah, smooch on escalators lah, eat romantic dinners lah, prance around looking all uppity etc. CAN? Please? Just this once. I don't wanna see lah... Very saddening one leh. I just wanna watch a movie with Eileen or something. Oh we poor singletons! Woe is me!

"Why," you ask, "don't you be the one who stays at home and fucks, Wendy? You can do that instead of us lovebirds, and you wouldn't have to see us!"

Good question. Because ... I have no one to fuck! My partner is a florist and he'd be really busy that day. (KIDDING) And also because the weather is very hot nowadays. No lah coz staying alone at home very loserish leh! Esp on V day. Haiz... i am just whining on. I think I can hear footsteps of someone coming to take away my best Asian Blog award....

Okok how's this? Anyone else will be very bored that day? Do you wanna go on a date with me?

Do you? (Puts hand behind ear like machiam during concert asking rabid fans like that)

I cannot hear you!!

You do?

OOOOOOOkkkkkkkie! Guys and very handsome butchs, this is what you can do: Send me TWO DIFFERENT CLEAR photos of yourself, together with your age and what you are doing currently to thegoddess@gmail.com. You must drive. Travelling on public transport on V day is absolutely appalling and I plain refuse to do it. I prefer convertibles. =D (Here comes accusations of materialism again! Can't one have a preference for airy vehicles?!)

It is just a date - dinner, maybe movie, and nothing else. I may not choose anyone at all, and I promise that any photos sent to me will not be posted on the blog.

That's that lah. At most I stay at home with Smelly and Cloudy worse comes to worst. Hai... Life sucks.

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2005-02-01

Chinese New Year spring-cleaning

Means clearing the house of newspapers...









Means clearing the laundry basket...






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Beans beans the magical fruit

The more you eat, the more you toot!

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