Thursday, June 11, 2009

I hate insects

(Post half-written about a month ago)

Today I was thinking about how much I hate household insects.

My old list of insect hates used to be:

1) Lizards

2) Cockroaches

3) Flying Beetles

4) Wood-boring beetles

5) Mosquitoes

6) Moths

7) Flies

8) Ants (easy to kill la)

In an amazing twist, flies now top the list as they give birth to maggots. Fuck flies.

So anyway, as I was saying, I hate insects. So do you. I presume you are a normal being reading my blog, not an insect-loving lunatic.

Now... humans can taser lions, shoot rockets into space, invent electricity, etc - why the fuck are we losing the battle against muthafucking insects living in our homes?!

Someone's got their priorities wrong

In drier and colder climates maybe this is not so much a problem as in tropical humid countries like Singapore, so I'm just talking about Singapore here.

When I was in the states, I saw that "geckos" (another name for fucking disgusting house lizards) were kept as PETS!

That's right! Mushy rubbery fuckers with protuberant eyes and tails that fall off and innards that are visible underneath translucent skin - are loved, fed, and have a price tag on them!


In fact, when I went to Mike's aunt's place, they showed me a lizard's skeleton that was kiaped in a door frame. They said that lizards were really rare and seemed to like the skeleton.

When asked for my opinion on it, I merely grimaced. If only they lived in Singapore lizards shit on their kitchen counter!!!

Henceforth, to aid fellow Singaporeans get rid of pests living in their house, I suggest the following methods:

1) Screened doors and windows.

So here's the age-old question:

Should I open the window?

Yes for air, no for insects flying in. Therefore, I want a window that can let in air and not let in insects.

The answer is so simple: Screen the goddamn window!

In my dream home I have windows closed all the time with the aircon on 24/7, but right now I can't afford to do that - and besides, having so much A/C on is bad for the environment.

Not that I really care about the environment though. I am just saying that to applease the environmentalist segment of my blog readers, who are probably smiling and nodding in approval right now.

Anyway even if I do have so much money, I can't possibly A/C the kitchen also, since you need to let cooking smells air out, etc.

Therefore, screen windows!

Further to screen windows, I also suggest double screen windows.

That is, two screens that are set about 1 inch apart.

The outer layer screen will have a high-voltage electricity charge running through it.

Everytime a fly or bird tries to transpass into your private property, they will fizzle, shriek, and either lose a good wing or die.

(Pigeon with burnt beak. Hilarious!)

The inner screen is to make sure you don't go touch the outer screen, and to doubly make sure any flexible and electricity-resistant insect won't through. I know, if he went through the first what's to stop him going through the second one, right?

Get off my back!

And what do you mean rain will short-circuit my electric screen? My screen is rain-smart so it can detect rain and stop electricity then, ok!

Further to maiming birds and frying insects, this can also deter burglers. Not that burglers are very common in Singapore, but prevention is better than cure.

2) Airtight cupboards.

Most people have some sort of 'Dry Food cupboard' to store their instant mee, chips, cornflakes, canned food, etc.

Even if every single item of your food products are sealed up properly, this cupboard will never fail to attract lizards, roachs and ants.

(I am beginning to suspect that insects can read food labels.)

The answer? A magnet and some rubber tubings.

Just like a fridge, except not cold inside.

Maybe it would be a good idea to add a hippo dehumidifer inside said cupboard too.

Eh, will it get very hot inside and ruin the food? Ok lor, maybe give this cupboard a little screen window too.

I also want to air-seal all my cutlery and crockery too!

Fuck man. When I was a kid my mom used to insist I rinse my forks and spoons instead of using them directly out of the cutlery drawer.

I used to think she was bonkers since the utensils are all washed clean before being put into the drawer. For years I ignored her.

One day, I saw an albino cockroach (slightly less gross than a normal one, but still a roach) happily crawling on the dessert spoons when I opened the cutlery drawer. I should have listened to Momo. :(

Air-sealed = Ok to use forks and spoons direct from the drawer.

That's presuming any insects managed to get pass your mighty screen windows and doors in the first place.

3) The sink as a deathtrap.

Humans can survive for weeks without food but only 3 days without water. Don't trust my statistics coz I can't be bothered to research them properly, but I think that's about right.

Since muthafucking lizards have porous skin, I presume they also need a hell lot of water to survive, just like humans. Roaches, not so much.

That's why we always see lizards crawling in kitchen sinks. (Or am I just unlucky here??)

Whenever I see this happen, I always spray the lizard with water until it is dizzy and meanwhile, squeeze dish-washing liquid all around the sink's edges.

Then I stand there and laugh as the lizard attempts to crawl out but keeps slipping back into the bottom. It's funny in a my-skin-is-crawling-but-why-am-i-smiling? way.

If it's small enough, I will try to force it down the drain. If it's too big... Well I managed to squeeze an adult one before... Maybe can chop it in half first....

But what if I am not around!?? I don't want any water-stealing lizard to survive, do I?

Therefore, I demand that a scientist should invent Lizislide. (Catchy isn't it??) Lizislide shall be the name of a stone material that is so smooth, lizards cannot hold a grip on it.

(There is a spray that creates this effect, but sprays wash off...)

Lizislide shall be used to construct all sinks. It will be a revolutionary product.

At the bottom of the sink shall be an insinkerator.

This "food" grinder can be set to "Automatically detect food and grind cruelly" during the night when you are not free to manually kill your pests.

So here goes:

Lizard is thirsty.

Lizard goes into sink, hoping to find water, maybe food bits if lucky.

Lizard happily crawls into sink; slides downwards rapidly; realises impending death as it sees insinkerator looming.

Lizard frantically waves hands, hoping to break the deadly fall; succeeds.

Lizard attempts to crawl out of sink.

After 6 attempts, almost makes it halfway when gravity did the inevitable and it drops into insinkerator with a sorry plop.

Insinkerator detects new "food"; makes a loud beep sound to warn lizard, but futile as lizard is trapped and does not understand beeps anyway; grinds lizards into paste.

At least lizard is not thirsty anymore - coz dead lizards can't thirst!!

HAHAHAHA!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

And anyway if Lizislide works then loads of walls can all be made with Lizislide!

4) Sprayable Lizard Spray

I know, Sprayable Lizard Spray sounds so corny... And also, this post is turning into another Lizard Hating Post.


I've come to realise that I hate encountering lizards way more than roaches because my killing rate of a roach is about 99%.

The only times I manage not to kill it is when it manages to run underneath a low cupboard which is too heavy for me to move.

But normally I am very determined for its death and I have 100% faith in the insect sprays nowadays!

Seriously man... About 3 sprays on the roach (even in midair) and the roach turns on its back pleading for mercy! At this point I'd grab it with loads of tissue, hold it as far as humanly possible from my face, and flush it down the loo.

But shitass lizards are muthafucking difficult to kill!

Killing rate is maybe 50% if I try hard enough. Nowadays I don't bother killing the big lizards coz it's just so goddamn gross.

They move so fast and sprays don't work on them!

The only way to kill them is via smacking, and there are not many objects around for you to smack them with that are hard enough and you don't mind dirtying.

I particularly like using the tinfoil roll. Tissue boxes don't work coz they are too soft. Just a note.

So therefore, here's a million dollar idea for Baygone: Why not a lizard spray?

Every spray shoots out a substance that can:

- Erode the lizard's disgusting skin. Just like how salt is to slugs. They can't be that different!

- Form into a spiderweb-like sticky piece to trap lizard in place while humans find an object to smash it with.

- Come up with something yourself, goddamn scientists! Do I have to tell you everything?

BTW I once sprayed a lizard with my Veet Hair Removal Cream. I don't think it worked. Or maybe it did make its skin hairless and silky.

I inadvertently made a bloody lizard more sexy.