2009-10-31

Watch New Videos!

XIAXUE'S GUIDE TO LIFE



Guide to Emergency Household tips!!

My very own special method of hiding period stains
on your skirt!! LOL!!



Guide to photoshop part II!!

Many of you have requested for this...

More ways to lie and cheat your way to internet chioness!



CHICK VS DICK



Kaykay and Paul are forced to phone their
parents and blabber the most vulgar words!

Watch to find out why!



THE SHAN AND ROZZ SHOW



Shan and Rozz interviews Ris Low, who turns out
to be a bit ding dong!

This episode even made it to The Newpaper (2 pages can?)
and she even strips down to her bikini... You just HAVE to watch it!



NUMBNUTS




Poor boys... Numbnuts indeed - forced to sit naked on ice cubes...

Loser gets pepper sprayed in the face!

Really, you should watch it just coz they suffer so much...




The boys get into a cage fight.

LOSER EATS A FUCKING BALUT!!

That fucking thing is how muthafucking gross!

I gagged like five times watching this.



p/s: You guys need to chill about the promised blog entries ok? I'm gonna write them, but a good entry needs inspiration and time!!

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2009-10-27

Wolves in the photographer's clothing

NSFW


Today I was just thinking to myself... Why the hell is it that all these male, "amatuer" photographers all like to photograph these "models" in lingerie or bikini??

If they are so interested in photography, then why don't they shoot other things such as... family portraits, close-up shots of a fly's eyes, a droplet of water dropping into a pool of water etc etc other artsy fartsy nonsense?

WHY GIRLS??

And the most puzzling of all... Why do they like to shoot FLAWED girls??

Ok I know. Firstly, they would of course want to shoot flawless girls if possible, but flawless girls are unlikely to want to be shot by amatuer lechers, plus they are of limited stock.

Secondly, I know even people like Megan Fox have their flaws, but I don't mean like a clubbed thumb...

I mean like... They are trying so hard to ooze sexuality and then it's like they are hideous.

I know I sound fucking elitist or something, but it just seems to me that it's totally silly to allow a girl's armpit fats to ruin an otherwise good piece of photography!

I mean, if you changed the subject from a race queen with terrible black roots to, say, a butterfly or an elderly woman pushing a cart, it just won't be RUINED that way, you get what I mean??

Anyway that's not what I'm gripping about. I'd get back to this later.

I am actually really annoyed with the increment of these "photographers" around, who are actually just wankers wanting to snap a sexy shot for his evening stroke.

Honestly man, if you are a fucking pervert, just fucking admit it instead of parading around with your E05 or whatever and pretending to care about the fucking proper lighting!

Let's see... If we let them choose between shooting a fat tou geh plucking auntie with the most fabulous lighting and equipment... or shooting a nude race queen with a compact camera, which do you think they will pick?

Please leh! The nude of course! You know why? Coz they are fucking wankers!


The whole "models" photography culture is just sick.


If you go to Clubsnap's forum, you will see pages like this.


Girls, whored out by these organisers... Enticing these "photographers" with either lingerie, bikini or sexy fashion shoots... Guess which is the most expensive?


For $100 you can snap snap snap away at a model of your choice while you try to entice her to give even more smothering looks and jut out her ass more.

Then you can go home and wank to the close-up boobage shots, while imagining having a kinky photographer-model relationship with her.


After that, even better still, you can add the "artistic" shots to your portfolio and earn respect as a PHOTOGRAPHER!!!!!!!!


Not.



I don't know what these men are thinking when they snap all these slutty photos, but here's what I think when I see some of them.




"How did she manage to get such a hideous bikini?"




"Invisible mirror squishing monster!! HAHAHA!
Ass distractingly flat."




"MUST... GIVE... SMOTHERING... LOOK... No matter what...."





"Why is she wearing a bra to shower? That doesn't seem to make much sense?

Hard to dry... Imagine all the padding heavy and soaked with water. Urgh!
Must bring the bra home in a plastic bag.
If she got no other bra and wears the bra home
she will look like she is lactating HAHAHAHA!"




"Fine I'd buy you that LV bag now please put your clothes back on."





"AHAHHAHA I REALLY don't think you fit into the S sized top!"




"Surely that beach is not very clean..."




"I open the toilet door and URGHHHH!!!!
What sort of person sits on a toilet bowl with underwear on?
You peeing through it??"




"You are facing the wrong way."




"Is her ass cold on that table?
When she stands up, will the table have ass-shaped steam marks?
Did they photograph that? Coz that would be FUNNEH!!!"





"No."





"Really now... Don't ever wear a thong again."





"The phone must be ringing and she REALLY doesn't want to pick it up.
Ooohh... Label on shoes? How much?"




"My god woman, put your pants back on!
And next time, please wear matching lingerie for christ's fuck sake."





"Her asscrack is entirely too short."



"She is surely not very comfortable..."




"WTF? And honestly, who you trying to bluff with
BOTH bra straps falling down 'accidentally'??"




So anyway... My point is... Do those photos show off great photography skills? Not one bit. They just show how fucking perverse the photographer is.

If you have real talent, why would you try to distract from it with all these sexual vibes?? I don't think anyone is looking at the composition or whatever is important in photography coz everyone's trying to find nipple slips!!


I must, of course, credit the photographer whom I got all these photos from.



Dunno his name but at least he is not a hypocrite - he did go semi-naked himself complete with come-hither eyes.



Check out his photographer 'friends'....












They are buzzing around these car shows like flies on corpses... Gross.


p/s: I have nothing against girls taking such photos. As you all would possibly point out, Kaykay also does such shots. What she does is her business and if it earns her money without hurting anyone, why not?

Hell even I took bikini shots for Maxim before.

My disdain is for the lecherous photographers, not the models. Although, it is still fun to laugh at the ugly models when they do stupid poses.

What? They dare to take then dare to be criticised lah! Nothing wrong what! You all also criticise my Maxim shots - and I totally deserve it. They are horrid to the max.

And of course, these photographers' natural defence will be that I am JEALOUS coz nobody wants to shoot ME.

Yes, yes, I wrote this post coz I am fat and jealous. Because every girl would love a pack of perverse, scary middle-aged uncles photographing them.


p/p/s: Why can't all these men control their penises?!

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2009-10-23

Excited!!

Sorry about the lack of blog entries.... Been really busy lately! And tonight is the Nuffnang Asia pacific blog Awards!!

Right now I'm in Mosche (hyatt 5th floor, 67355443) doing my hair for tonight - and blogging on my blackberry!! Muahahaha

Someone asked me what I'm doing on the 24th and I said.... Masturbating with my trophies!!! Ahahahahah!!!

Ok that's a JOKE. Firstly, don't even know if I'll get ONE trophy moreover trophieS.

Secondly, I don't do obscene things like said previous action! I'm all zen and beyond that!! Hehe

But anyway thanks for voting, those who did! Those who didn't, or voted others... Fuck u! What's wrong with u??

Quite excited indeed! Remember to follow my twitter or keep coming back here tonight as I'd be live blogging with the berry!!

Tata!!

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2009-10-15

When 140 Characters Just Isn't Enough

Advertorial

Everyone knows I'm a big fan of Twitter...

However, Twitter does have its limitations, and everyone knows what it is: It's only limited to words, links, and these all have to be within 140 characters - the same length as an sms!

As Twitter grew in popularity, people have been trying to work around its flaws, like using URL shorteners or other sites to post photos on Twitter... Singaporean users can't even use SMS for Twitter because it's a USA number!

So, to fill up this void for the more avid Twitter users, here comes MOBJET.com!!


What IS mobjet.com?

Think of it as a mixture of Twitter + whatever blog engine you are using. Twitter without a word limit, and you can post ANYTHING on it!

I'm really impressed. When they say anything, they REALLY mean anything!

You know how people nowadays are really into using their mobile phones right? Yup. So you take a video of, say, a colourful butterfly that you saw while waiting for the bus. It's gorgeous, fluttering away... And you want to post this on the internet??

Easy - through your mobile phone, send it via email to post@mobjet.com - and it will be posted on your mobjet page!

Want to record yourself singing in the bathroom and let everyone be tormented by your screechy voice? You can go ahead and do the same thing!

Now here's the MAGIC of mobjet: Not only are all uploads swift and easy, they are all CONVERTED!

Even if you have a weird mobile phone which records audio in funny formats, Mobjet automatically converts your files for you, so that when it's posted, it's a universal format, such as mp3! Thousands of formats, numerous conversions each day!

If you wish to hear an audio clip on your phone from someone else's jet (this word is used like 'tweet') and your phone only plays a weird format, Mobjet also detects your phone and plays it for you! Sounds really complicated but some geeks out there are handling it, so all you have to do is just email stuff!

Isn't that cool? As far as I know, no other website makes it SO easy for you.


Digressing, I bought new contact lens from this brand called Solotica some time ago and they just arrived! The colour is gorgeous, a very light grey. Basically everyone has been asking me to snap pictures of me wearing them, so I put on some make up and snapped shots on my webcam!!

Since I wanted to also test out Mobjet, I posted all these photos on my mobjet stream!


Here's how my page looks like now!


Neat isn't it? All I did was to post a series of photos as attachments in the same email (sent to post@mobjet.com), and they get sent as a mini photo album!

When you click on the post, here's what happens:




Getting carpal tunnel from all the clicking? You can select it to play as a slideshow.

Took a vertical photo and now it looks stupid on the internet? Rotate it!

Want to see my face in its full glory? Expand to full screen!



What I love most about Mobjet is the ability to upload MUSIC!

Or rather, I guess audio files.

I uploaded a song, and it is not only very fast and easy to do so, it is also easy to play it back... Plus they allow embedding and downloading too! Click here to hear it!


And Mobjet's launching with a big bang!



This Oct 22nd, get your ass down to
The Arena at Clarke Quay
for the Mobjet Launch Party!!!!!!!



Shan and Rozz from 98.7 FM will be hosting the event and I will be there too! I heard the hosts are supposed to grill me on stage. Gah!!

Famous Singaporean band Wicked Aura Batucada will also be there!


If you want to win free tickets to the event, all you have to do is to be a mobjet user via emailing ANYTHING you wish to to post@mobjet.com, and at least 18 years old.

To get your invite to this fab party, click HERE!

Come come come!!



And don't say I'm not letting you have a chance to win goodies!!


MOBJET IS GIVING AWAY $10,000!!!



To win, all you have to do is to be a fan of the Mobject Facebook page, register, and GET MOBS (Followers) to follow you!!

The person who gets the most number of Unique followers win the top prize of $6,000, so it's best to start EARLY, ie NOW!

Ahem. I'm also participating in the contest so do follow me too!! MUAHAHA!! My link is HERE!!


Post salacious stuff and people will follow you - so good luck!



p/s: I shall allow soliciting of followers in the comments so feel free to link to your mobjet page and ask people to follow you!


p/p/s: Your username will automatically be your email address, so mine is "Xiaxue" coz my email is "Xiaxue@gmail.com".


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2009-10-08

Watch New Videos!

XIAXUE'S GUIDE TO LIFE



The ultimate guide to cooking muthafucking awesome risotto!!!!


CHICK VS DICK




The yummy chocolate challenge!



Arcade challenge: Who's better at arcade games?


NUMBNUTS




Crazy new show!!!

The guys see who can get more slaps from strangers on Orchard Road, and the winner gets to create a design for a REAL TATTOO anywhere on the loser's body!

Fuck man that sucks but it really happened! Watch!!

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The Ris Low Reply

Since many of you have requested that I blog about our most recent Miss Singapore World, I thought I'd go one step further and ask her if she'd like to guest blog her opinion on this whole crazy saga!


So here's what she replied:


It is like an overnight stardom. From nothing to something.

Firstly I would like to tell everyone that I had no intentions of getting my credit card fraud leaked out (but thanks to you-know-who), it became a secret that everybody knew.

I got free publicity so thank you to people who hate me. I don’t care!

Before that was my bad English. How many people can speak good and perfect queen’s English if you are a first timer in front of a camera? Not many people can speak well in front of public crowds much less in front of a microphone. Go ahead – laugh. See how much you’ll be enjoying when I pop out of nowhere and start to shove a microphone down your throat. Oh, I forgot, by then you can’t speak as you’ll be too busy handling the black tube.

Claire, thanks but no thanks to your pretentious attitude towards me. You know you aren’t popular and hence, used me to create awareness for yourself. You are a good friend (oh someone please shoot me). Please, if you were to diss me, make sure people don’t let me know about it. I know it is hard for someone like you to keep a secret but at least make it less obvious.

I’ve seen enough of you, talked enough of you and I TOTALLY CAN’T BE BOTHERED.

REPORTERS, STOP WRITING NONSENSE. I do regret my past and stop twisting words around! It is irritating!



So that about sums it all up.

I thought she'd write more to scold reporters but it's mostly focused on Claire!! (who is the first runner-up).


Anyway, dunno if you guys have heard about ST Online naming Ris' photo SG-STUPID.JPG or something...

How fucking horrible is that? Here's my general rule for calling someone a moron:


It's only ok to call someone stupid
if they are acting like a smartass.


I mean, you don't tell a mentally retarded person they are stupid, do you? So what's with all these comments about Ris' IQ or whatever?

Bad English does not equal to stupid!



When I first saw her video, I conceded that her spoken English is a little funny. But it sure didn't make me laugh out loud and honestly, the BOOMZ jokes that ensued for about a thousand years afterwards were totally stale.

Cmon, is it really that funny?


You know what I think was EVEN more funny?


The Razor TV host asking dumbass questions like:


"So Ris, you are the daring fashionista in this pageant,
is this your strategy to win??"

No, fucktard, my strategy is to fuck the judges.


"Are you a big fan of South African influences?"


How is anyone supposed to answer a stupid question like that? Define fucking South African influences!

Good on Ris for even bothering to answer these questions man.


Almost all the comments I've read regarding this issue goes something like this: "Oh I can't believe someone like that is representing Singapore!"


MY ASS...

Honestly, who gives a shit about Miss Sg World?!


Did you know who the past year's winner is?? Do you know ANYYYYYY past year winners?

And oh, suddenly this year you are sooooooo concerned that the Miss Sg World will embarrass Singapore? Pui!




Oooh!!!!!!!!! Ris and Claire should just fight it out in a Jello fight!!!

I think Ris would win. She seems like she's full of hidden unorthodox talents. I'm also rooting for her to win!!

She may not be the cleverest, the kindest, or the most polite, but you can't deny she's fucking interesting!!

As for the Claire girl? Doing charity work? Cmon, gimme a break. You can't get more boring than that if you were knitting socks for orphans.

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2009-10-05

Krrunching my way to Uniquely Singapore

So.

Everyone else nominated for the Nuffnang Regional Blog Awards have already done their blog entries, and I was getting a bit panicky.

So panicky, that in fact, I even asked my fat hammie, Nanolove, for help. (On an irrelevant side note, Nanolove is proof that being Vegetarian does not make you skinny or healthy)

This is the exchange that happened between us:





I wondered how she's going to help me...







There she is, toppling a Pringles can of chips...




Oh no Nano you greedy puff, you are not helping by just eating!


But soon....




Nano reduced the chips from the above...


to the following:


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That's a lot of biting for a small hammie!




"Hand me a pencil!" she yelled at me, full of artistic zeal. So I gave her one...




Doodled...




Me: "Ahh... That's very sweet and all,
but what has this got to do with Pringles?"











Wow!


After several hours, which are equal of decades in hammie years:


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A piece of art made solely from Pringles chips!! Coral from Grilled Scrimp, Green from Seaweed, and Cream from Salt and Pepper + Sour Cream and Onions!!


More photos of the process:














Oh Nano is love!!! :D :D :D :D



So! Remember to....




I even made the text bling bling!!! How can you reject the hard work of a hammie?! Are you human?! Voteeeee!!





It's very easy! All you have to do is to select me for Best Original Blog Design and Most Influential Blog!

It is necessary to also vote for the other categories, but I don't care about those so you can vote for whoever you like!!

No registration is necessary - just a few clicks! There aren't even pop-up ad spams!!! Fab isn't it? :D

And remember you can vote once every 2 hours so please be obsessive!!


Okok... Childish hammie stories aside, here's WHY you should vote for me.


I am not going to go into one of those stupid touching posts about how much it would mean for me (and it would mean a lot, if you are the sort who likes touching posts)...


You should vote for me because I will BRIBE YOU!!!


For the next one week, whether you vote or not to reward my hard work, I am going to blog the following posts:


1) Finally post up Photoshop entries sent by blog readers. Over 100 photos and FUCKING HILARIOUS.

2) Blog entry titled: How to be an Internet Bitch and Win Blog Wars. Secrets of writing an awesome blog entry against your enemy!

3) And with that post, an example of a good hate post against me!


These are to reward my awesome readers who have already voted for me, or are going to!!

Now to make the lazier part of you click on the voting poll too, provided I win BOTH categories, I am going to blog about:


THE Love Story


Up till now, only close friends know how I got to know Mike and what made him come to Singapore - and what happened after that!

The time is ripe now. :) And this will happen after October 23rd, 2009, when the awards ceremony will be held.



As if these are not reason enough, here's why I DESERVE your vote:


For Best Original Blog Design:


I've seen (nice) people comment that they are voting for me for Influential, but not for Blog Design.

Their reasoning is that the underdogs should be given a chance to shine, or that since I'm already in another category, it is enough to win just one.

Why?? Did I not work hard on my blogskin too?

I had a designer work on the coding, that's true, but my designer Lionel and I both bounced loads of ideas off each other, and while he handled the back end, I did a lot of the graphics and conceptualizing with him too!

If I win, the award will be shared with him and fuck man, he is an underdog who is goddamn hardworking too!

And pardon me for being arrogant, but my Photo of the Moment idea is just FABULOUS (Don't pretend you don't love it), and it is totally an ORIGINAL idea that I came up with! It is not inspired or copy from ANYWHERE.

And as for the awesome little speech bubble with the twitter feed on the top banner? The one thing that so many other bloggers are COPYING?


LIONEL CAME UP WITH THAT.


Lionel skinned Bossming's blog back in March.

Yeah, so maybe Bossming should win the Best Original Blog Design - except that he is the boss and cannot possibly be nominated. MUAHAHA!

But in any case, I've credited Lionel from the start, ok!

I'm not saying anything, but please, vote for ORIGINALITY!

I'm feeling a bit pissed now coz I feel that for these artsy categories, if I win, everyone will say it is a popularity contest.

But whatever lah! I really think my blogskin is the CHIOEST!! And I KNOW that I put in muthafucking a lot of effort (and hours of photoshopping) into it! And so did poor Lionel!!


For Most Influential Blog:

I was asked what I think my most influential blog post is.

I think it's THIS one. The article on Molesters using aerosol foam sprays on victims.

Besides getting 3702 signatures on the petition to ban aerosol foam sprays, after I blogged about the issue (after experiencing it first hand), forums starting discussing it, and both Newspapers and the evening news covered it:


On Sunday Times





I'm gonna be all high-browed now and say that, ahem, besides getting people to buy blackberries or making them desire to have a Princess Room, a good blog also highlights important social issues and transcends into other medium!

That was total bullshit.

But I am as influential as a blogger can be and someone should give me a trophy for it, GODDAMN IT!


SO YEAH! VOTE VOTE VOTE!!


p/s:

The Awards will be held in Pan Pacific Hotel and sounds totally glamourous!! I can't wait to see all the other bloggers coming from other countries.

You should have seen bloggers from all over the world writing UBER creative posts just to win a chance to come to Singapore!! :D I'm totally proud of my country.


p/p/s:




Some 3 cans of Pringles were harmed in the making of this blog entry.

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Singapore Web Design

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