2010-12-02

Kua simi lan jiao???

Ok the title is horribly vulgar if you can understand it and this is because I'm blogging about the gang issue in Singapore recently!! (Although it's kinda a little over already)

So foreigners will probably not understand this colloquial entry. For those of you who don't know yet, Singapore, typically a very safe country, have had a couple of slashings lately. There was a fatality. And embarrassingly enough, it's done by teenaged gangsters, aka "Ah Bengs".

And they look like that:


Random image I found via google images FTLs if they grew up already and stopped being Bengs.

I can't believe gangs are making a comeback. I remember back in like 1997 or something when it was popular to be an Ah lian or Ah beng with our bleached Wella creme hair ($5.90 or something from Guardian, cheapest hair bleach ever and got 6% or 9% - gives you a tamarin monkey orange like the dude above), MCM bags, pointy combs, neon shirts, giordano yellow windbreakers, cross-back bras, doremon bags and Nokia 8210s with loudass ringtones. Ahhhh, the nostalgia!

I was a chao ah lian then (14 till 16) and I even joined a gang ok!! I think I blogged about this a zillion years ago but my ex boyfriend asked me to join his gang called "Ba hai tong". A week after I joined the girls' division was arrested by the police in its entirety (not including me coz I wasn't an active member). So I asked if that means that I was the leader of the girls division since I was the only one left in it. But they said no. AREN'T U REGRETTING NOW I COULD HAVE RECRUITED SO MANY PEOPLE MUAHAHA

Kidding!! My friends were telling me TECHNICALLY I've not left the gang so I can still be arrested!! LOL

So yeah I can't believe that after years of being totally unheard of, gangs are back in the spotlight and they are KILLING PEOPLE!!

I swear they need to get people to do proper PR for them. I mean look at the Italian mafia - so cool with their filthy money and Brooklyn accents.


Or the Japanese mafia with their deep cultural roots and beautiful women. Ok I made that up but they are cool lah!!

But Singapore "mafia"? Definitely nowhere near cool.

And using what to kill people? Fucking parangs.


Dude, even the name sounds so horrible. It's a knife that's used for CHOPPING TREES IN MALAYSIA. The only weapon gayer is probably a butter knife studded Louboutins sock full of glitter.

Can't they all learn to use butterfly knives or nunchucks or morning stars? First thing to do is to change the weapon.

A morning star says "I'm serious about hurting you"

Second thing to change is the means of transportation.

Apparently when gang members are in need (ie got into staring match with opposing gang), they call for help from other members and they come via... LORRIES.

I imagine those lorries were used to transport durians to and fro in Geylang kind.

Ok I guess this is technically a pickup truck.

NO LOLLIES!! Gang members should appear in Priuses (it's a hybrid car)!

Trust me, an environmentally friendly gang? It sends the message "I'm cool and will kill you but I wanna save this beautiful Earth". People love villains with a soft side.


Third thing our SG gangs should change is the HAIR.

Why all so horribly dyed?? Orangey gold hair just screams "cheap dye job"! Go ahead, threaten a good salon or maybe give them free PR in exchanging for a sponsorship.

How can gangs give PR? Well, during the last slashing they yelled "369" before they ran off right? It was all over the newspapers!!! MAKE USE OF THAT AD SPACE!!!

This time they can yell "HAIR SPONSORED BY PASSION HAIR SALON!!11". Remember to whip your hair back and forth to further emphasize how chio they did your hair for you.

[OK I'm just kidding ok please don't join gangs and slash people it's not worth it to get a death sentence for slashing someone who stared at your fellow gang member wtf.]

Anyway I was at Downtown East that day and I got a mini heart attack everytime I saw a bunch of teenage boys.

A group of my friends were discussing how these gang members bring their 16 inch parangs out without freaking everyone out on the way and someone mentioned that they wrap newspaper around the blade and kiap under the armpit. -_- I hope they not wearing sleeveless if not when they sweat they'd get newspaper print on their pits lol.

So whenever I see teenage boys nowadays I always check to see if they got newspaper with them. Even if they don't I give them a wide berth anyway just in case.

Then I was wondering what I'd do if I had witnessed the slashing of the boy who died. I'd probably run away and call the police. Then I was thinking, if the police came, the boys would probably just run away (remember to give a shoutout to your sponsors!). This is not exciting at all!!

So I beseech the police make use of Singapore's resources. And I'm talking about...

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Jet Li!!


He moved to Singapore for his children's education!!!! JUST IMAGINE IF THE SINGAPORE POLICE FORCE HIRED HIM!!

Just his face (with that above pose, check it out) is enough to make any petty criminal tremble in the knees!!!

When the gang members see him walking towards them (with police behind him in a V formation), perferably dressed in kung fu get-up, they will confirm not run away but be completely stunned.


And taking advantage of their split second distraction, he will sucker punch of all them until they all faint and flail on the ground nursing broken bones, then with this serious face ---



He will ask the victim, "Are you ok?".

After the victim nods, he will deliver a punch backwards to the one silly Ah Beng who got up and tried to attack him from behind.

The police will put everyone in jail and Singapore would be peaceful again!!! How, my plan is good right?



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