Yesterday at Ritz
Today I shall expose a picture of myself without make-up.
Wahahha it is taken by bo liao XF. In fact, she took down the whole make up process, but I shall not bore you guys. She and PY thinks that it is utterly embarrassing to put make-up on the mrt. I really dun find anything wrong with it. If make up is an art, then the person drawing portraits on the streets shld oso be embarrassed right!
Whats wrong with ppl who dun like other ppl applying make-up on public transport! Got nothing to do while travelling may as well sleep more at home and apply make-up then. I dun see how it would affect anymore. Its not as if it is very disturbing to the eyes.
Anyway, we reached Ritz carlton and we are eating at the staff cafe!! I took a picture of Xf and PY.
I told you PY is grouchy! Wahahha.. She is irritated by the fact that I keep taking snapshots of them while they are eating. The "I'm cool" sticker on her blouse makes her a walking oxymoron. LOL...
Meanwhile XF entertained me with a smile. Hey afterall I paid $406 for the silly pink camera, at least gimme a smile mah, hahaha.
Xf is very upset that she looks like a Zhong guo mei. In case you are wondering how China's transversites look like, see the pic. LOLz.. Kidding kidding. We are all just jealous of beautiful XF's looks.
The dinner was so grand... All the guests looked so rich.
Hey wait! I saw someone with a Kiplings backpack and casual jeans. Ah, finally someone not carrying Gucci or LV. She was carrying a toddler. The scene looks familiar. The kid doesnt look like hers. Ahhh... Itz a maid. Great. It makes All the guests look rich once again. At least the invited ones.
I tried to hit on this cutie coz I decided if he is a friend of the groom perhaps he would want to hold his wedding dinner at Ritz as well. I dun mind being the bride.
Just as I sashayed over to him to ask him, "Sir, would you like to... have some wine...(hint: and my number)?", I realised the girl beside him.
Ahhhh... Totally expected, no? She can't be his sister coz Cutie looked like an Eurasian while Gal looked totally Chinese. Whats worse is that she is damn tall. Not very pretty, but damn tall.
I looked down at my flat banquet shoes.
I dun want her to look down on me. Decided I shall not go over then. Instead, I told all the banquet girls to look at the Cutie. Later on I happened to walk into their paths and Tall gal took a drink from me. She was very nice and polite. I felt a teeny weeny bit bad to lust after her bf.
I got over the guilt in a bit and continued lusting.
The wedding couple
The wedding couple are Indonesian. This reminds me of the only Indo-Chinese I know and it is Adryan. Adryan's uncle owns this big piece of land in Indonesia which contains a mountain. The mountain's stones, rocks etc are being dug out to export to Singapore to built roads, bridges etc.
In fact, if I didnt remember wrongly the Sentosa bridge was built using Adryan's uncle's mountain.
In conclusion, Adryan's uncle is rich. But Adryan isn't.
There goes another chance of having a wedding dinner at Ritz. And I dun even mind being the bridesmaid since Adryan likes XF. If he marries her I will carry her train. I conclude that XF will let me be the bridesmaid coz she wouldnt want to risk PY biting her on her big day (PY is violent). But no. Adryan is not rich like his uncle or the Indo-Chinese couple yesterday.
I took a picture of them when their wedding photos are being screened on the big screen. SO ENVIOUS! I WANT MY PICTURE THERE TOO!!! The gal is very sweet looking...
I guess my only chance of having a wedding dinner at Ritz is by marrying Slutty Shengrong. But SR will marry EK. Speaking of which, EK apparently told SR about my blog and it seems like he reads it. So I can't say much without ruining my chances of marrying SR.
I dun even mind if I marry SR and he has an affair with EK. Wahahhahaha... So confusing...
Anyway, about SR. Look at his picture. See the I-eat-bird's-nest-everyday skin. See the braces. Ahhhh.. rich kid. His uncles own the Hyatt hotel in HK. What the, everyone has rich uncles. But SR's family is doing not bad too. I shall seduce his cousins after I marry him.
Maybe I shouldnt break EK's heart by hypnotizing SR to marry me. Maybe I should try to seduce Ghimz instead. That day Ghim let Ek and I see the fishball factory that his dad owns.
We were standing outside the factory waiting for Ghimz to drive the lorry out. (His dad refuses to let him drive the family mercs in fear of him scratching it, so he has to drive a lorry!) There was this moment of silence, and EK suddenly said, "I would rather have this factory than SR's house."
SR's house is a $5.3 million affair at Orchard.
I decided I agree.
Anyway all the bullshit about seducing friends are just, plain bullshit. I'm not a materialistic gal *ahem*. I just feel like having a wedding at Ritz. And I realise, at that time, that I wouldn't know who to sit Eddy with, just like I dunch know who he will sit me with. Just to punish him for not liking me, I will make him sit with a bunch of pastors, who will preach him to death.
In fact, maybe in a table of 10 ppl, I will put 7 pastors, and Eddy, Adryan, and Bernard. Eddy and Adryan can discuss why they dun like me but they would have to listen in respect to the pastors preach. So they cant really discuss much. Bernard would be bored to death with all the English and the preaching. In fact, he might start to beat the pastors up.
"Cheebye lar shut up lar!" He might say. He takes out a piece of Char siew from nowhere and whacks everyone in sight.
Eddy and Adryan will stop Bernard from beating ppl up although secretly they are very happy the pastors were beaten up coz the pastors were from City Harvest.
Since Eddy is gay (I'm kidding) he might fall in love with Adryan since Adryan looks like American Idol Clay Aiken. I suspect Adryan is gay too since he likes XF although she is a transversite. Eddy and Adryan will be together finally and they will call each other Dydy and Yanyan (which is my name btw).
Adryan being his silly self would think that Eddy still misses me coz Eddy keeps calling "Yanyan!" during s*x. He accuses Eddy of having an affair with me.
Adryan breaks with Eddy and storms off to Indonesia where he might "make a mountain out of a molehill", finally failing to be rich like his uncle.
Eddy is heartbroken and becomes a lama at tibet where there will be no more er nu si qing.
Bernard will storm home very angry with Leonard and XF for introducing me to him. To him, it was a sucky wedding though and though. He will beat Leonard up with another piece of Char siew taken out from nowhere. Which is what I want to do too coz Bernard is a jerk and I REGRET KNOWING HIM!
Thanks alot XF!
I woke up today suddenly thinking of the movie title, HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS.
The absurdity of that statement suddenly pounced on me. I dunch even understand why u need that long a time.
There are certain things that guys have ZERO tolerance over. I know the worldy secrets.
The author shall now teach you TEN THINGS TO DO TO MAKE A GUY LOSE YOU IN ONE DAY.
Firstly, be prepared first. 3 days before the big day, shave EVERYTHING (except facial hair)! Armpits, pubes, leg, arm, anal if u have hair there.
Invite him to your place. Make sure there is no one else at home.
Alright here is what u do.
1) Train your family pet to act dead. Put ketchup on the pet. Train the pet not to lick it up first. When he comes, act as if u are shoving the dead pet away. Shove the pet to outside your house (where he can forlick happily again). Admit that u had beat the pet up coz you were so angry with yourself. Admit that u sometimes get uncontrollable convulsions like that. Assure him that the family pet dying will not affect the happy evening.
Stare at him with Bambi eyes and say that u are so glad that he accepts u the way u are.
The next moment, make a vase drop on the ground and act as if it was an accident. ROAR in anger as you take maybe the scanner or something heavy to smash the vase into a thousand million pieces. This is easy, imagine the vase is Anwar having sodomy. Very smashable indeed.
As you smash the vase, remember to shout "That will teach you to fall off the shelf!!! That will teach you!!! I will fucking kill you!"
2) Complete the above sentence with an extremely loud "KAN NI NA BU CHAO CHEEBYE!"
Watch as his face contours into horror as he finally realises your violent tendencies. And guys hate girls saying bad words. We are supposed to be gently nursing babies as they kill each other during wars.
3) Breathe very hard as you smile at him again. Let your non violent self take over. Admit you are sometime shizophrenic.
Tell him it is controllable though, not to worry. A moment after this, ask him:
"Did my alter ego talk to you just now darling? I think it killed the cat/dog/ostrish/lama!"
4) Step 4 works for non-smokers. Take out a Dunhill hard pack and smoke away. Admit that all this while you have been a smoker. You didnt want to let him find out. Actually, you are really really sick of acting like a Shu nu already. There are so many things he should find out about you.... Pull him but his shirt front and lead him to bed...
5) Step 4's spoken words should be said with lethal bad breath. This is very important so dunch brush your teeth for 3 days. Make sure a piece of kangkong is stuck between the front teeth.
When he asked u in horror, "When was the last time you ate Kang Kong?"
Think for a long time. (gives him more time to freak out) And then say, "Three days ago lor, why? Hahhaa smartie how did you guess?"
6) When you guys reached your room, which I presume has a computer, tell him you want to turn him on. Show him your amazing collection of porn downloaded from Kazaa.
It is all about beastiality, necrophillia, incest, child porn and all the norm. A straight guy cannot stand sodomy. Get some of those too.
7) He should be freaking turned off by now. If he still manages an erection, you shld be freaked out. In fact, if he goes out of the house to telling you he wants to retrieve the dead cat/dog/ostrish/lama to add to your sexual adventures, call the police. As he mumbles "Holy shit! This is great. How often can you get necro-beastiality!", whack him on the head with the scanner which is spoilt already anyway and shove him outta the house.
If he is too shocked to do anything except to be pulled into the room, take his hands to touch your leg. Against the grain.
Smile innocently as he jumps away and says "Wah lau you never shave ah!"
Say that you already said you are sick of being a Shu nu. Sigh. Why muz you shave? Women come naturally with hair what! Show him your armpit hair. Show him the stubbles of the pubes. Anal hair too if you have.
8) If this somehow leads to sex, tell him that all these while he didnt satisfy you coz his penis is TOO SMALL, and he cums to fast. And the orgasms were fake all these while. He might cry. Ignore it.
Give him a disgusted look as he sobs and say that you hate guys who cry over nothing. Say that Gary doesnt cry over nothing!
He stops crying and asks your sharply who Gary is. Say that Gary is someone who doesnt mind your leg hair, smoking, sexual fetishes, swearing, and everything else he minds.
9) Show him the nice love bite Gary gave you on your breast. (love bite courtesy of your fuck buddy or a good gal-friend.)
Say that you and Gary have broke off already and itz all his fault coz he took up too much of your time. If he doesnt storm off by now, proceed to cook him dinner.
10) Vegetarian-muslim dishes. Say that u suddenly became a muslim and vegetarian (come to think of it vegetarian is muslim). If he wants to be with you, he must convert too.
He might say "But surely Allah doesnt like you to fight cats/dogs/ostrishes/lamas?"
Say something irrelevant and blow it into a big quarrel and continue being irrelevant. Remember everyone cant stand irrelevant ppl.
Say something like "Allah loves cats/dogs/ostrishes/lamas. Allah loves all animals."
If he still stays coz he is polite, cook him everything that everyone hates.
Horrible veggies include:
-Celery
-Parsley
-Onions
-Garlic
-Ginger
-Peas
-Leek
-More peas
-A Lot of peas
-Anything soggy and overboiled with no spices or sauces.
He should really leave you by now. If he is not marilyn manson and is sincerely willing you accept you even if you changed to become this way, please marry the fella. He is rare Read The Full Article
Ok more about Eddy.
Basically he said that he didnt like me in that sense. And that he is not prepared for a relationship. He is in love with my blog instead of me.
I'm not really sad actually coz I somewhat expected the answer.
I shall convince myself that Eddy does not not like me coz of me. He does not like me coz he is gay. Shirley (his ex) was a facade. A four year facade to hide what society does not readily accept.
I should have known better from the beautifully manicured fingernails, the flower shirts and the suspicious mascara in his bag.
Come to think of it, Androgenous Aaron has beautifully manicured fingernails and mascaras in his bag too.
Ok I was joking about Eddy's fingernails and mascaras. But the Aaron part is 100% true.
Today something really really rare happened.
It is commonly known as an Extreme-Good-Hair-Day.
U see, when u have permed hair, it is difficult to manage. When ur female (or male. *gasp*) friends first start perming their hair, it will all swell up into a big mess. So usually they will tie their hair into a half ponytail. (Please observe this. It is true.)
After a few days when they realised Pamela Anderson's curls does not appear by itself and they have blew like 100 bucks to spoil their hair, they will tear their spoilt hair out.
Like June.
Her current hair is a wig.
Nahz... Joking. What she did was that she immediately went to rebond it and cut it real short.
But you see, there's a secret to the Pamela Anderson curls. And I shall unselfishly share it to you. In future, when your friend has nice curls, ask her if she blew more than $300 on it and went for wave rebonding.
If she says yes, tell her she is damn stupid and ask her to read my blog. I did my curls for 50 bucks and it is equally nice.
If she says no, ask her whether she has read my blog and thus found out the secret to good permed hair thru here. Watch her face as it glows and she smiles at you as if u all have something in common. Which is the love for my blog.
Heres the secret. Every night after washing hair, wait for it to dry. It may look really horrible when it first dries up but presevere!
Tie it up like this:
Sleep with it despite you siblings taunting u about the Chun Li look. Wake up tml with sexy hair and let them think a sex goddess flew into the house exactly like in their prayers (only applicable for brothers, or butchy sisters). The next step is to freak them out by showing them the sex goddess has the face of their sister.
I remember I once mentioned that I had a good hair day. The difference between a good hair day and an extreme good hair day is the TOUCH. You see, there are many levels for judging hair.
Horribly Terrible Hair Day
Hair that look like Hagrid's. This is what I get when I sleep immediately after washing hair without tying Chun Li hair first.
Good Hair Day.
Nice right? But touch and it feels dry. And rather brittle. But it is deceivably nice so flip good-hair-day hair at strangers who will think "Wow, great hair! I want to run my fingers through it!"
But you know better.
U can make use of the hair to irritate the shit out of the person sitting beside you on the mrt by flipping it around. In my case it is mostly June who gets it. It is fun. When she stares at me agitated, I say "Can't help it lar, itz too long." She is reminded bitterly of how she cropped her long hair short.
Extreme Good Hair Day.
Ahhhh... Hair that looks and FEELS nice. Extremely rare. And it happened today.
Just when I was at Jurong East mrt twirling my hair around my fingers feeling mighty fine that my curls are so lovvvvvvvvvely today, I realised I was not the only one playing with long curls.
Please note that he is a malay guy who looks like he is forty plus.
I immediately stop touching my hair. It is not that unique afterall. But indeed, I should have called all the guys I want to attract and flip it around for them to see.
I tried to ask Bernard to meet me today coz I got a EGHD. He refused, coz the day before I met him to show him a GHD but he said there was no difference from the HTHD I claimed I had the previous day. He thinks that the EGDH is no big phenomenon.
Guys. Shag Hagrid or Pamela Anderson? NO DIFFERENCE?! Hmpf!
I didnt muster up the courage to ask Eddy out to flip it ard coz it think itz pretty awkward (or awkwardly pretty). Eddy says that he is a big fan of my blog. He was laughing very hard when he called me today.
He thinks the blog is very funny. But I think engineers (how many of u have jobs which alliterates with ur name? Like Eddy the engineer!)have a warped sense of humour. Remember the picture of me holding my new camera? He thinks the fact that I took it myself with a mirror is very funny.
-_-;
I wonder how many engineers are laughing as they are reminded of it now. Wahhahaha....
He even msged me a few hours after reading the blog to say that to get free rides u dun need to be a bus driver. U just need the uniform. Big fan indeed. (more abt eddy later)
As I somehow got rather pissed with Bernard for refusing to meet me, I decided to call other guys to do what he refuses to. And the guy muz know June coz I was out with June shopping. Itz between Adryan and Eddy then. Eddy is out coz I feel awkward. I somehow forgot I asked Adryan to rot in hell (dunch understand? Time to click on Archives). So I called him up.
He was at Butter's place jamming. Please note that the puns in that previous sentence. Adryan's friend is really called Butter. And they really have a band and was really jamming.
Stop making "butter" jokes to urself. That fella had enough of ppl asking him where Bread is.
Turns out that Adryan needed a digicam to take pictures of the band coz they were in the grand finals of Xin Yao Jie 2003 (band called Amber) and I had my cam with me so he asked me to go over to Butter's place.
I asked Adryan whether he still thinks XF is his dream gf now that he knows she is a transversite.
He says "Eeeee!"
Wahhahaha. I love my camera!
Eddy doesnt like me.
June: "Chey! What an anticlimax. Faster lar late in meeting me already."
going out now with her. Shall concentrate on Bernard. More details at night.
I sent the email to Eddy already. And i even told him the blog's address. The male celebrity of my blog is possibly reading this at the same moment as you are.
Hello, Eddy!~
This is what I wrote. If u are interested to read.
Dearest Eddy...
It has been some time since we last met up.
I was just thinking the other day, where is this friendship going to end up?
The scenerio now is as such:
- We do not have any mutual friends.
- You do not view me as a potential girlfriend.
- We are not THAT close as normal friends.
Since we do not have mutual friends, obviously the chances of having a reason to meet up will be lessened by a lot.
Since you do not view me as a potential gf there goes another reason for meeting up often.
We are not that close as friends. I'm sure u have many many other friends who are of the same 'friend' status as me. Whats one less?
In conclusion, as time passes by, the friendship will fade off to nothingness. A reason like "to keep the friendship" is not a good reason for making an effort to keep in contact.
Can u imagine when you get married, and u invite me to ur wedding dinner, who should I sit with? Uni frens? Or a table specially for "Lone-ppl-I-met-at-weird-occasions-who-don't-know-any-of-my-other-friends"? Can I choose to sit beside you instead on the bridal table?
You know that I like you.
Alot.
As much as I know that you dunch like me in that sense. Even if u once did feel something special, you have purposely let it die off. For what reason, I dunno. All I know is that now the chemistry is all gone, and now it feels funny to plain "meet up for dinner".
Or perhaps, the special feeling that I thought u had was all in my imagination. Maybe u are that happy when u are out with everyone. =) Maybe even if u seem happy when u are out with me, it doesnt mean u feel something special for me. It just means, well, u are happy, and u will remain happy if our relationship remains as friends.
I think our friendship cant really last much longer. It is really saddening but it cant be helped. I'm sure I'm not the only one who finds u nice. Everyone else does too. So many ppl like your company. They are all fighting to have dinner with u, and dinner only happens once a day! I cant seem to be able to meet u nowadays.
If only the youngest wins the fight huh? Haha
I imagine when u got into nus to get ur masters, you will definitely be like the cutest guy in the class. And the cutest gal will be smarter, wiser, more mature and eh, cuter, than me. If she isn't attached and she likes you, her chances of being attached to u is much higher than mine, no? My point is that you wouldn't like me. I hope u will rebuke this point.
And "masters friends" will add to friend list. U will only have so much time for friends and if I got like 1/617 of ur time now, I will possible have like 1/893 very soon. Thats not counting the transversite friends u will be meeting when u go to Thailand for ur vacation.
I guess before the friendship shrivels to an end, I want to know ur feelings towards me.
Since guys are always tongue-tied answering these kinda questions, I guess I can give u multiple choice.
A) I dunch like you in that sense and I dun mind the friendship ending, actually. In fact, asap will be best.
B) I dunch like you in that sense but can we try to remain friends? Normal platonic friends? Stop lusting about me!
C) I like u somehow but I just dun think we should be together coz career comes first. However if I must choose someone to marry it will be you.
D) I like your body only. Lets be fuck buddies.
E) Wendy I have been in love with you all this while, cant you tell! Lets get married despite the weak pun on our wedding banner. (ie Wendy and Eddy are married)
Eddy if u are reading this and u are horrified that I write everything on my blog, do not worry coz ur reply will be kept private. =) Especially if your choice is D. Wahhahahhaha!
To every other reader: Can u all gimme ur opinions on this please? Continue liking Eddy, or move on to Bernard? Leave comments.
No, if I be together with Bernard there will NOT be free Char siew noodles for you.
Itz another typical day working at New Park Hotel.
Heres a typical waiter at New Park Hotel stealing Fox candy to eat.
As you all can see I am very excited indeed about my camera to go ard taking bo liao snapshots at non-aesthetic subjects. Oops! So mean. Wahhahaha...
And before blog writing, it was just another typical day parked in IRC.
[blurboi] hi there
[blurboi] how are you?
[Xia`xue] u are?
[blurboi] mi 22/m/ch
[blurboi] you?
[Xia`xue] when u are 22 u are no longer a "boi"
[blurboi] but i am realli 22
How totally irrelevant. Did I even say that I didnt believe he is 22? God bless the irrelevant. Whats worse is that they really do not understand how they are being irrelevant. SP has a lot of irrelevant ppl. Androgenous Aaron is one of them.
Typical scenerio:
Typical Teacher: Class, why is the sky blue? Ah, you! At the back! (Teacher doesnt know what she is in for!)
Typical irrelevant person: Coz teacher, the grass is green.
Typical Teacher: Huh? How are the two linked?
Typical irrelevant person: Huh what u mean by how link? Coz grass is green then sky is blue lar! Coz u are ugly thats why u are not married lar! Same what! (Please note the analogy is irrelevant as well)
Typical (female) Teacher: *thinks: WTF. I already go for surgery liao u still say i ugly. U even more fucking ugly! Fucking disgusting buck teeth with so many pimples! Fucking adolescents think they damn smart. If I can I will slap ur freaking teenage face with a large trout!* Instead says: Thats being rude. Please watch your behaviour!
In this kinda typical scenerios you can see the Irrelevant are so irritating that no one bothers to correct them any more.
They end up marrying their kind coz no one else can tolerate (or understand) them. Their only point in getting married is to have sex coz they can't really understand each other as well.
Wife: Dearie go buy butter.
Husband: Huh? Butter use to put on bread one what. Buy for what?
Wife: Huh? Butter put on bread, then kettle oso use for boil. Means Kettle oso muz buy lor.
Husband: Kettle is used to boil coz it is meant for it. Just like my little brother here meant to make u feel... happy... *takes off wife's clothes*
And no one buys the butter. Or Kettle. Was the kettle needed?
Their kids might actually miraculously turn out to be relevant ppl when they are born but obviously they turn irrelevant when they keep interacting with their irrelevant parents.
Mum: Baby why is the sky blue? Tell mummy?
Kid: Coz the sky is utimately far away and since light has different wavelengths and blue light's wavelength is the shortest, it gets scattered around much more than all the other colors from the sun, causing the sky to appear blue.
Mum: *frowns* Thats not correct. It is coz the grass is green.
Kid: *confused* But mom y is the grass green?
Mum: Huh coz the clouds are white!
Kid: Oh! I get it. So the clouds are white coz, ah, donkeys are brown!
Mum: Zhen cong ming!
Dad and mum finally cant tolerate each other and divorce. Their kids are irrelevant thus they are not well-liked. Thats makes them a tad cynical. The kids are oso traumatized coz mum and dad are divorced and whenever they ask their parents "Do you love me?" the parents give replies like "I love donkeys."
The kids are confused. They are morbid. They possibly turn out like this. In fact, they even start to LOOK like donkeys coz they thought mum and dad likes donkeys. LOLz
These kids hate the world and they are the ones who all migrate to Iraq and help Saddam bomb towers (oops was osama right) and build his nice torture chambers.
Terrible indeed. Next time ur friend is irrelevant, kick his balls to make sure he doesnt have kids in future like the above mentioned. If a gal is irrelevant itz okie coz she may be trying to act cute.
