OMG Finding Nemo is like the best cartoon ever. My second favourite is The Emperor's New Groove coz it contains a llama in the cartoon. I find llamas very funny.
Doesn't it look very funny? Its name is very funny as well. llama. Say it 10 times fast. Funny right?
Anyway I shld not like llamas at all. There was this particular incident which happened when I was out on an excursion to the Zoo when I was in pri 3 or something.
I was standing in front of a llama, wondering how come it has the same name as a tibet monk. I thought its neck was too long. In fact, it is ridiculously long. Why would a llama need to have such a long neck? Anyway, I dropped the thoughts and took out some grass for the llama to eat.
It chewed happily (ok actually llamas dun really look happy) for a short while and it suddenly stopped. I thought it choked.
It sneezed. A big sneeze. And it wasn't a dainty excuse-moi kinda sneeze. It was an I-wanna-get-everything-that-is-in-my-mouth-out kinda sneeze.
Among the things that were finally on my face and white uniform were grass, spit, chewed spitty grass, and grassy spit. It stinked.
While watching me fumble in embarrassment and wiping away all the little pieces of whatever the llama has ate, the llama just give me a non-chalant look.
A classmate I didn't like came along to feed the llama too but it didn't sneeze again. God dammit.
I hate llamas. But I still find them funny.
Anyway, Eddy asked me out tml! In fact, recently Eddy is contacting me very often. I think he is secretly in love with me. But then again maybe he is comtemplating the fuck buddy idea. Maybe he wants to steal my digicam. Maybe he has AIDS and want to spread it to everyone he knows but he just didn't get the chance to bite me yet. Speaking of terminal diseases, maybe he got Herpes and he is dying soon, thus wants to see all his friends more often.
Nah, I will just stick with the assumption that he is in love with me.
In fact, to convince everyone that he is in love with me, I shall write some comment in his name about this blog entry. The lots of comments will serve to convince some stupid ppl that Eddy finally loves me back. I have no idea why that will make the stupid ppl happier but u will nv know I guess. The comments will also make it seem as if this blog entry is very interesting.
He was sms-ing me.
He asked me to attend this seminar with him, organised by daretofail.com.
Me: It sounds like a multi level marketing company. Yikes!
Ed: If it is MLM, I would have to fug something while you watch. (meaning it will be that boring.) But no photos please.
Me: I promised all my blog readers with lotsa your photos. Ok I will bring a donkey along with me tml.
Ed: Cheh, I've always expected more from you, always the donkey.
Me: I will bring a llama then. You like llamas more?
Ed: Anything but dun let me catch u hide a man under a llama skin, I will have to face the dilemma of castration.
Me: No man under the llama, but the llama being male is fine?
Ed: Cannot also, I'm saving my 1st for a true love.
Me: Gosh did you just say you are a virgin?
Ed: I've never done asses, so am i of certain virginal qualities? Ay, all these mobile sex talk is making me drowsy, talk tml.
Me: Okie! fuck, i mean, see ya tml! Did I say fuck? Sorry I'm getting drowsy as well.
Ed: There we go. I think I better search for my chasity belt for tml's meeting. Where is it, that decade old bugger, got to be somewhere...
Me: I'm gonna post ur smses to my blog.
Ed: Nooooo... Nemo....
-_-; And i tot I was lame. Lolz
In the middle of the smses, I was at Jurong East's interchange waiting for my bus to come. I was smiling to myself silently, no doubt looking like a lunatic.
And then there was this cute guy. He was talking to his friend while waiting for the bus. Apparently he must have seen the cheesy smile on my face since he was just in front of me.
Suddenly he walked over. Every part of me thumped. Must be hallucinating.
He smiled and said, "Excuse me."
"I would like to make friends," I continued his sentence for him in my heart.
"Do you have change for a dollar coin?" He flipped his coin ard in his hands while smiling. He has a toothy sort of grin, with teeth like Daniel chan's.
God dammit.
Okie this sounds very ridiculous. I actually drew a sketch of him, coz I got nothing better to do while cooking my noodles. I'm recently in love with First Choice Green Curry flavour cup noodles from 7 11. Itz only 80 cents! And yummy too. Sure beats eating a 5 dollar meal outside. Just boil the noodles at the 7 11 store and they will provide you with chopsticks and spoons as well! Yippee!
Here is a picture of the fabulous noodles.
Heres a sketch of the guy.
Aha! I know what u are thinking. That I am mad to waste so much time actually drawing a picture. Ahh... read da above. It says I drew it while the cup noodles cooked. Meaning, 3 minutes only!
Disclaimer here. In case anyone wants to comment on the art saying it is not proportional and all, shut up, coz I am not some professional artist. Its just a silly sketch. I know the shading is wrong but forgive me; I couldn't find the eraser.
Come to think of it, all my sketches of humans look almost the same. Dammit.
Anyway the guy really looked like that! He had a lopsided grin! And stand up hair! And dimple!
If you look like that and you were at Jurong east interchange at 1130pm, do email me!
If you look like that and you were not at Jurong east, email me too! heehee
Ok itz sleeping time now. Must look good tml, its a battle between the llama and me for Eddy's attention.
Yay i changed my template liao!!! Nice nice? take long to load?
Haha my face shall be permanently there to freak you all out! And I even added *points to above* one of those descriptions that everyone has on their blogs! And I did it with pictures too! =)
I can't understand why the latest entry somehow has this invisible border. Nvm lar.
I'm going out with James to watch Finding Nemo now, gonna be late already. More blogging when I come back!
Today before I went to Malaysia, I opened an email Eddy sent me.
It consists of the rules that ladies shld adhere to please men. The author seems pissed that men are always doing the listening.
Of course, I know that whatever he wrote does not represent what all men think. So, whatever I say is only targeted at him, and not men in general.
Its an interesting email, and I shall kpo and give my views about it.
Here it is:
Read and learn!!
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
Print this out and pass to your partner for a greater understanding:
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
[beep][beep][beep][beep][beep]ing about you leaving it down.
To him I say:
Ah... You got us girls wrong. We dun mind it if u leave it up after you use it. We just dun like you to forget to lift it, and spray yellow urine all over the thing. We have to put our butts on it. You wun like it when we have big pimples on our butts due to the bacteria contained in your urine. It wouldn't look good with that sexy thong you like, no?
If your gf demands that the toilet seat is down all the time after you use it, she is rather demanding. Perhaps you wud like to take a hammer, crash the whole bloody seat, and refuse to admit that it was you cracked it. No seats, no trouble.
In any case, men shld shut up coz it is their own fault for having to stand up to urine. Why not sit down instead? This way you dun have to lift the seat up.
You wun want us to try standing up to urine, or would you?
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!
To him I say:
Eh, whoever said it was a quest? Itz a mission. Fail it, and die. Can't take the challenge? Go be with a submissive donkey who doesn't mind having a special kinda grass to eat as its birthday present.
Anyway dun you men want to make us happy? When you make an effort to take note of what we like and get it for us, it only serves to make us love you more.
What was that certain model of Nike shoes that you loved so much? Light blue, boing boing series size 9? If only the shoe laces were black instead of white? Got news that only JB is selling it coz it is sold out in Singapore?
We can make an effort to remember stuff like this, and purchase it for you just to see that smile on your face, why can't you make an effort to do the same? Surely you are not saying we are not worth your time and effort?
If we have already said we dislike bright green stuff and u still bought us an alligator stuff toy, shld we not be disappointed? Shld we pretend we love the obviously effortless gift you gave? Please take note that the stuff toy is not a bad gift just coz of the bright green. It is appalling coz stuff toys are so apparently saying "I refuse to make an effort to choose anything else, which in any case would be something better". Stuff toys are for 13 yr old giggly girls. I would prefer a dildo. Not bright green please.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
To him I say:
Oh cmon. We know. In your mind, theres you wanting to play football, your friends, your beer, your (wanted or gotten) machines (be it cars, bikes, computers or gym equipment), other women fucking you, porn and you, you, you, you and you.
Wonderful. Keep in mind the woman's mind contains stuff other than you too. We remember birthdays, we miss our friends, we fantasize a little about you best friends, we fantasize about the cute lecturers, we wonder if our hair is getting outta shape, our hips are getting bigger, whether the little kids in Africa are still hungry, shld we buy that dress etc etc etc. The list goes on.
My point is that there's plenty more on the female's mind that the male's. Thus, dun worry about us getting angry you dun think of us. You shld start worrying whether we can squeeze any time at all for you.
1. Don't cut your hair, Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
To him I say:
Go buy urself a Shih Tzu, grow its hair very long and you can fuck it and stroke its long hair at the same time. Hopefully the hair stroking gives you a lot of pleasure. The dog is all urs, you can choose whatever u want to do with her hair. We are not your dogs. We can do whatever we want with our hair. I repeat, OUR hair.
Not all women look nicer with long hair. You are just warped.
U witnessed the popularity of F4. You saw their hair. It is rather obvious that alot of women think long hair for men is cool too. We love it. Can we force you to keep it long?
I hear u starting to defend urself. Hot in Singapore, u say. Hot for us too. Look like sissy, you say. We say long hair=more money spend on Shampoos, dyes, styling etc. Not good. And we take longer to style it, and u blame us for being late again. Great.
Theres nothing u can about the hair thing. Some gals just dun like it long. They feel MISERABLE when they see themselves having long hair. If u love ur gf you shldn't, because of your silly fetish, make her feel miserable.
We are afraid to get married coz married men always starting balding and by then we are stuck with him. You dun see us complaining. We accept you men the way you are.
1. Crying is blackmail.
Can't help it when we want to cry, can we? You guys shldn't bully us at all. In any case unless u have an actress gf, when we cry, we are not trying to threaten you. We are really upset.
Thinking we are trying to blackmail you is just convincing yourself that it is not ur fault actually, so that you would feel better. Please understand that for women, we are just more prone to crying, like you all are to impotency. It can't be helped.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
To him I say:
You know what is paiseh or not?
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
To him I say:
Fuck off lar, dun remember dates. When is the next Manchester against Liverpool match? What was the date again of the first screening of Star Wars, which is coming soon? Whats the date of the Jay Chou concert which u so badly wanted to go to?
What makes u think women can just remember dates offhand this way? We are just human beings as well. The keyword here is EFFORT. We make the effort to remember, you shld too.
Bloody write it in ur hp to remind u if u really think it might slip ur mind.
So one day before our bdae, we are supposed to tell you, "Hey you know, tml is my birthday?" while u give that horrified gasp?
We will end up getting an alligator stuff toy tml.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
To him I say:
Just ask your opinion only will die ah? How the *toot!* we can give opinion on which luo han you shld buy when we dun give a fish about fish? Just look and tell us whatever you think is matching lar!
You only own ONE car, but if I gave you 30 cars to choose which is the nicest, I'm sure you can do it. Why not for shoes?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
To him I say:
Think this scenerio:
You: "Which tie goes with this suit?"
Me: "Yes."
You: "What you mean by yes? This one issit."
Me: "No."
You: "I think it is quite nice what, why no?"
Me: "No."
You: "Huh why lar! Coz it is too square issit?"
Me: "No."
You: "Then why?"
Me: "Yes."
You would like that done to you? In this case u can choose to just answer Yes or No. Not allowed to say why ok. Coz only necessary to say Yes or No.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
To him I say:
What if our gfs are not free during our worst times? Do we sob in self solace? It is wrong to ask you to just lend a listening ear, and empathise a little since you claimed you love us?
Please take note of a thing. In any case before u start to help solving problems, do you not have to understand the situation and relate to it first before giving advice?
We are just requesting for you to skip that last step. And itz only when our gfs are just not appropriate listening partners or are not free.
Is it too much to ask for?
1. Check your oil! Please.
To him I say:
You check your oil. We have little cute blue facial blotters and our Chanel powders to aid us in oil combat. What do you have?
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
To him I say:
There is no such thing. Too bad that its against logic to just forget information. In the first place just shut up about stuff u think will eventually become invalid and will be used against you. That will teach you to think b4 u speak. In this case you might choose to just say YES or NO to every question we ask. It is safer.
6 months ago if we promised not to be late ANYMORE and 6 months later we are late again, do not blame us coz whatever was said 6 months ago cannot be used in an argument.
If you think a comment might become null and void in 7 days, please dun say it. Else, learn to protect yourself by putting a disclaimer everywhere.
Example:
Gal: "Do you think this dress looks good on me?"
You: "Yes, but it might not be nice anymore if say you cut your bloody long hair,or - " *pause to roll eyes for effect* "become fatter."
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
To him I say:
Ok thanks for this. We know we are fat. When we ask whether we are fat, theres two reasons.
1) We just hope that we are warped to think so and have someone confirming with us that we are not, and the weighing machine just broke down. And that dress? It shrunk in the wash.
2) We hope to hear that although we know we are fatter, you dun really mind it coz you insist anyway that we are not. Which means you dun mind it, or didn't notice it.
In these cases if we do not ask, and if it is the 1st reason that we wanted to ask in the first place, please allow us to breakdown and cry whenever we feel we are fat, which could be in the middle of dinner at some classy restaurant. After which you would naturally ask what is wrong and we would say "Nothing!" coz you forced us not to ask u whether u think we are fat.
After which we would feel very miserable indeed to have a bf so unconcerned coz although we cried, the guy counterpart really took it as nothing was wrong.
We would seek solace in other men who would kindly tell us that we are not fat. I'm sure their nice board shoulders would fit our fat faces perfectly fine.
No all girls give a shit whether they are fat though. Coz I dunch. And if I ask whether I am fat, it is just for the 2nd reason. Since I dun ask and you dun comment, I would just assume that you dun mind if I am fat.
Allow me my 6th chocolate creme brulee then. DUN STOP ME. I didn't ask you if I am too fat for my own good. And you refused to comment, so shut ur gap forever.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
To him I say:
When we say we are in love with another man, we meant: "You are too good for me. I suck. Thus, I shall give the job of taking care of a hideous, fat creature like me to another person. It doesn't mean I dun love you. It just means I discovered I love him more".
We certainly do not mean "You are freaking fucked up. Your penis is too small, you dun have nice hip bones, you are BLOODY SELF CENTRED, and he is so much more concerned, caring and understanding than you are. I'm leaving u. Good riddence."
No, no, we dun mean the second one of coz.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
To him I say:
I want you to make love to me.
I want you to put whipped cream all over me, and lick it all up. I want you to go in slow. I want you to let me tie u up and do a lap dance for you...
Oh wait, stop right here coz I can't tell you how I want it done? Ok do it your way, missionary style. Dun blame me if I fall asleep halfway, selfish pig.
Oh I certainly know best how to do it myself, of course. Allow me to spray whipped cream over my green dildo and lick it all up. I will do a lap dance for the blow-up doll. You watch in agony.
Now fuck off.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
To him I say:
So we are just there to entertain you whenever theres nothing interesting going on on TV?
Gal: "Darling I feel horrible. I wanna just end my life. TV is more impt to u than I am! I can't even compare to a bloody TV! I am pretty much useless!"
Guy: "Oh, sod off~! I am trying to concentrate on this baboon make love to another baboon here!"
Gal: *Jumps off building*
May be a little exaggerated but my point is, like OUR hair, itz OUR mouths.
We try to not interrupt your fav soccer game (which obviously what the commentator says you can already predict) as it is rude. But please dun demand. Sometimes we just need to ask you what you want to be cooked for dinner. So we are supposed to wait 15 mins doing nothing to wait for your answer?
We end up only cooking food we like, and you blame us for being selfish again.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
To him I say:
Christopher did not need directions coz no one asked him to actually FIND America. He accidentally chanced upon it. Place him in Europe and ask him to walk to America and see if he can find it.
Everybody needs directions. Even the occasional eagle with the bird's eye view needs to ask the seagull where to find that bloody rattlesnake who ate her eggs up.
You dun need directions? Ok. We take away your road guide. We remove ALL signboards telling you where to turn and what road this leads to. We place you in a car. We ask you to go to a place you have never been to by urself. Can you do it?
Of course, the smart you argues that signboards are not directions. Please take note I am rolling my eyes now. You just dun need directions from females right? Coz we are lowly creatures not capable of navigating ourselves around, unlike men, who are born with that instinct.
Face it dude. Sometimes YOU get lost when you are going to our houses. WE know the roads. YOU dunch. So we are supposed to go ard in circles happily filing our nails while you spin about? Dun waste our time.
But then again when you ask us which road to take after 2 hours, we will say "Yes/No." Thats a perfectly fine answer to every question.
1. All men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
To him I say:
Someone told me that men (which is a general term for all humans) can see 170,000,000 (number I churned out myself) colours. If u can only see 16, you are semi blind. Orange is a fruit too, not a colour. Whats that colour on the logo of M1? Dunno. The same colour as the skin of an orange.
Whats your skin colour? Not peach of coz, its a fruit. Beige? Whats that? Guess you would have to settle for yellow. Yucks.
This is yellow skin.
(i have nothing against Andy Lau, just sway sway chose him.)
Mauve is a shade of purple. So are violet, lavender, indigo, light purple, baby purple, dark purple etc. Now you know what mauve is. You arguing that it is all useless information?
Not really. When your car sprayer guy calls to say they ran out of the Ferarri red paint that you want and all that is left is the mauve paint, you dun wan to ask them to go ahead.
Bill Gates improved himself to be able to see 256 colours. Samsung's manufacturer, which no doubt is a man of coz *rolls eyes*, made its phones have 65,000 bits for colours. An artist can tell you burnt sierra is reddish-brown.
Its time you start improving urself.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
To him I say:
Nobody expects you to be a mind reader. We just want you to use some brain cells on us sometimes, not just on who to bet on for soccer. If you listen a little more carefully you would realise you can know much more stuff about us.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
To him I say:
If you EVER say this to a woman, its a break-up immediately. Not worth the hassle to find out what is making us all upset literally means you dun give a shit about us. There are other men, women and even animals who can give us the TLC we need. Its 'bye!' to u.
If we wear a mourning suit to meet you and we start crying, it means that someone has died. If we say nothing is wrong, we just expected you to be smarter than to ask, and painfully put the reminder into words.
If you did something totally insensitive the "nothing" situation might happen too. You might not know what upset us, but to us, its so obviously insensitive that if you did not know why we got upset, we should be doubly angry.
When we say "nothing" is wrong, just take it as we meant "Can you recall which was the precise moment I got angry and think abt what you did/said exactly before it happened?" Then you query about whether it was the comment you made about you actually wanting to shag our best friends that made us angry.
If it is what made us angry, we will give a little nod. Just apologize if you think it is ur fault, give reasons to defend urself it is not and we misunderstood you.
Actually I'm crapping about all these coz I have no idea whats going on in the female mind when they say "nothing" is wrong. I'm not that kinda girl. I just blow my top and smack the guy on the head with whatever object I have in my hand. If I am painting my nails, it will be nail polish on your hair. So speak carefully.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Fine. Dun ask us if we got an orgasm this time. Most likely, it is a NO. Which, btw, no and yes are perfectly fine answers to each question. Dun ask us how we want you to do it to give us pleasure. You urself said we shouldn't do that.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
To him I say:
Green polka dot dress with red shoes when we got to meet up with ur friends then. Not forgetting the bright big yellow hat with nice feathers.
1. You have enough clothes.
To him I say:
Go find urself a donkey as a gf. Our clothes are none of your business. If you dun want to buy clothes for us, just say so. We will buy it ourselves. Afterall dolling up is to make u feel proud to be with us, so appreciate the efforts and shut up.
Else, we can wear our nice new clothes when we are out with other men who will appreciate some novelty done. We will keep wearing the same green polka dot dress when we are out with you.
hmmm enough clothes? Guess I would have to give my little black g string with the sexy diamond on it to the salvation army. Thats not forgetting the innocent white dress which I wore that day when all ur friends said your gf looks like an angel. Forget it. Give all away since I have enough clothes and when I go out with you, everything I wear is fine.
1. You have too many shoes.
To him I say:
Not really. Only got 10. And my shoes are none of your business absolutely. Nobody is asking u to clean them up for me.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
To him I say:
Whoever said it isn't? Anyway handbags are not exciting. LV handbags are.
Aha! You didn't deny that soccer is boring.
Malaysia was great fun. The bus ride there only costs S$0.58!!!
Itz nothing much there that everyone else has not seen already. Nothing interesting to talk about. I shall show you guys some photos though, if u are interested to see.
I took pictures of everyone's passport photo.
PLEASE LOOK AT THAT TAIL! XF was an AH LIAN!!!! Ghimz looks damn cute with the elf ears, no? Enormous Ek.. Er.. Lets just say we are all very glad that she took off the horrendous braces by now.
I bought this bag at $37 sing. Itz an A grade fake Gucci bag!! Very nice!!
Abercrombie and Fitch skirt at $19!
We had a sumptous dinner consisting of Stingray, la la, kang kong, and Begger chicken, which no one has tried before. It consists of using some clay like thingy to cook the chicken. Very yummy indeed. But I had diarrhoea after I reached home, dammit.
Anyway I bought this packet of bubble gum which colours the tongue and made everyone eat it and take a photo!
Check out Ghimz's nice army hair!! In case you guys are wondering what colour my tongue is supposed to be, it is BLACK. When u ask your friends to do this kinda thing some self sacrifice must be made. Thus the horrible colour I had to take.
Bleah.
Yeah okie this blog entry is utimately boring.
Double bleah.
The blog is lagging man, recently I'm too busy with stuff. Tml I will be going to Malaysia with XF, PY and EK!
The unfortunate thing is that I have to wake up at 8 am, else I would start to write some long crap again.
Well today was just another boring working day at Ritz.
But the Ritz Carlton Millenia gave me some rewards for being so diligent a worker these few days.
Ah... I'm very terrible indeed.
Today me and PY arrived at 4.15 pm, feeling very pleased with outselves indeed that we are so early. Work is supposed to start at 5pm, so we had plenty of time to eat our dinner and rot ard a bit before work.
We started to suspect something is wrong when there weren't anyone in the canteen at 5:45pm.
It seems that today we are supposed to start work at 6pm instead of 5pm, and we both came far too early. DAMMIT.
So we went to some staff lounge thingy to rot.
I found the book hidden in a cupboard (laden with numerous MINT CONDITIONED books which no doubt no Ritz Carlton staff will bother to read). I stole this one, seeing no security camera around.
Goodness knows who the hell bought the books man. Seriously I dun think anyone will sit down at the lounge for a long enough time to finish reading it. I might as well give the book the full attention it deserves at my home. =)
The gloves belonged to the Hong Kong bride. PY found it lying on a chair after the wedding and she shoved it to me. I have no idea why I kept it. But I tried it on at home, feeling very happily bride-ish when I suddenly realised that I do not have a husband who looks like Xie Xian to sing to me that he loves me.
Sad, isn't it? It seems like this Indian guy is interested in me from Banquet. He is quite cute actually but well... no chemistry. And not exactly dream guy material.
I stole a Ritz pen as well. I suppose besides well, a free pen, the pen could also serve to tell stupid ppl that I stay at the Ritz sometimes when I feel like relaxing and squandering all the extra cash I got. I'm sure they would believe me when I take out the pen as a SOLID PROOF. Or else how could I get the pen?
But if the stupid person whom I bluffed saw me at Ritz working as a banquet waitress, it would not be a good thing of coz. But I know how to escape outta the situation.
Someone (i forgot who) asked me once whether I was afraid to meet ppl I know when I work.
For that day, I spent the entire Cocktail session figuring out in my mind what I would do if I met a person I knew, instead of serving drinks to ppl.
This is what will happen.
Rich Bastard Ex Who Dumped Me: "OMG WENDY! What a coincidence!"
Me: "Oh hi!" *Puts away tray and pretend to take out a drink to drink instead.*
RBEWDM: "Oh man, how come ur dress is so much like the banquet waitresses? Oh, erm, you actually work here? Gosh. Look at the staff! I thot they only hire Filipino maids to do such lowly and mandane jobs!"
Me: *Pulls him closer to whisper* "You have no freaking idea what happened! Just now, I came here to attend Janet's weddin-"
RBEWDM: "Huh what Janet? Itz JEANETTE. She is my cousin! How come u dunno the bride's name?"
Me: "My mistake. Now listen to me. I came here in my Gucci dress and I was one of the first to enter Ritz. Suddenly, there was this female voice which asked me whether I wanted a Beer. I turned ard and it was this waitress. I told her I can't drink, and told her the story of me stealing Beer from Sentosa and getting drunk. Her face turned redder and redder as I related the story, and she mumbled something that sounded like, 'Oh, it was you bitch who got me fired from my job for losing the beer!'"
"The next time I knew, she took out a piece of Char siew from nowhere and whacked me with it. I fainted. I woke up and found myself in her uniform, my Gucci dress and bag nowhere to be found."
RBEWDM: "Oh man! How horrible!" *he takes a look at my name tag* "Oh my god, her name is the same as yours too!"
Me: "Yeah man Wendy's such a common name. I'm sure you have some distant auntie called Wendy as well."
RBEWDM: "Eh, no. My aunt's dog is called Wendy though."
Me: "Ah, okie."
RBEWDM: "I named it that after we broke up. Thought it had mangy hair was well."
Me: "..."
RBEWDM: "So how do u know the wedding couple?"
Me: "Eh, I was Janet's ex colleague." *nervous smile*
RBEWDM: "Since when did SIA hire such short ppl?"
Me: "Ok fine I am your waitress for the night. What do u want to drink?"
RBEWDM: "Fruit punch."
Me: "We dun have that."
RBEWDM: "Do too. I will purchase it."
Me: "Oh thats so mean! I would have to waste alot of time finding my manager and then doing the cashiering! Drink Orange Crush instead!"
RBEWDM: "Fruit punch with a little lemon at the side cut in the shape of a star."
Me: ".... Fine."
Ah, seems like it can't be helped that it would be found out. At least I will get to spit in his drink.
Anyway seems like i end up writing alot of crap although I didn't plan too. Better sleep soon man.
I will bring pictures of Malaysian waitresses to show to u guys, and tell me if I look like them. Yaaaay! So excited.
Haiz.. Itz another totally envious day that the Ritz.
The bridegroom is a Hong konger, and he is filthy rich. In the wedding video, they drove ard in black limos into this humongous house which, persumably, belonged to the guy. And he looks like Xie xian, Nicholas tse's father.
Well the Xie xian part is not exactly a good thing.
And he was SO TOTALLY SWEET. In front of 600 guests, he went up the stage to say a song dedicated to the bride. A song that he claimed they both felt in love with when they watched a movie together. I thought it would be My Heart Will Go On but he wasn't that cheesy.
I was cutting my fish or something and I didnt even realise it was him singing till I lifted up my head. It was that nice; thought the music was from a CD!
Ahhhh I was very envious indeed. I looked at the pathetic fish I was cutting and wondered why the hell am I cutting a miserable fish instead of shagging Eddy. Oh shit, did I say shagging Eddy? dammit. I mean, marrying Eddy.
In fact I think the miserable fish I was cutting would rather I be *ahem* marrying Eddy too. Then his meat wouldn't be shattered into a million ugly pieces as the upset cutter vent her upset-ness by severing his body.
Speaking of banqueting, another guest asked me if I'm Malaysian today. What, I have a hibicus embossed on my forehead? I sincerely had enough of guests asking me whether I am from Malaysia or from China. Itz sickening.
Do I have these msgs written all over me?
Meague supposed to be spelt meagre. Sorry lar didnt see the mistake just now.
I'm sorry I had to use an act-glam photo for the example coz there are no more pics which are not shown in the blog already. Anyway, I have nothing against Malaysians (okie maybe a little against This Fashion's staff. Oops did I just expose that I shop there?) or China ppl (okie maybe a little angry with them for fucking donkeys thus causing SARS).
But I dun like being mistaken as them. It means I have absolutely no class at all. You may argue Michelle Yeow and Zhang Zi yi has class. I am talking about WAITRESSES here! Yikes! I am NOT a full time waitress! I am a student, studying in Singapore!
I have ambitions! I will not remain a waitress forever!
Speaking of ambitions.
When I was younger, everyone seems to like ask what I would like to be when I grow older.
I always answered that I wanted to be an Air stewardess.
I wonder if I had somehow put a silly curse on myself but repeatedly thinking of being an Air stewardess. Now, if I ever say my former ambition out, ppl will laugh their heads off. I'm too freaking short to even (I'm serious about this part) open the luggage compartment above your head without having the luggage fall on my head and killing me instantaneously.
I know it wouldn't kill me instantaneously since hand luggages can only be 7 kg max but i just felt like using the word instantaneously coz it sounds satisfyingly long.
Thats not the point. The point is that it is time, finally when I resigned to the fact that I wouldn't grow anymore, to change ambitions.
From now on I shall tell ppl that I want to become a teacher.
I like the "wow, what a morally upright job!" look on my relatives' faces when I say that.
But I know better. U see, there are many many perks to being a teacher.
This is my plan. Firstly, I will let my students get amazingly great results within a short period of time. This will be made possible as I will always "accidentally" leave the exam questions on my desk after I leave the classroom. This is a remarkably good plan. The first time, no one will suspect I did it delibrately. So they would all happily do the exam with prepared answers. I will pretend to fall asleep during invigilations so that they can copy as well.
Second time, they might suspect why I am so careless. Some nerd might think of complaining to the principal coz he feels that only he, the truely smart and great, should be doing so well instead of all his stupid classmates.
He is half right. His classmates are stupid, thats true. But too bad, I AM the truely smart and great, not him.
The nerd will decide he can't complain coz ALL HIS CLASSMATES WILL BE SUSPENDED FOR CHEATING. He thus has to let the matter go, unless he wants all his classmates to hate him for life. The cycle goes on.
I will have an affair will the principal too. Guy or gal doesn't matter, I am bi, remember?
Being the wondrous teacher I am, I will get transferred to a good school to teach.
Using the same methods, I will soon be HOD.
After which I will actually become the PRINCIPAL of an elite school, perferably ACJC.
Aha! This is where it can all fall into place. Besides ALREADY having a good salary, I will accept millions a year for just bribes. My house at district 10 will be full of free fountains. The gym's equipment? You know who bought it for me. What do you mean by itz for the school's use? Theres too much equipment there, take a bit home will die ah?
Filthy Rich Father: "Miss Cheng, my son would really like to get into your college. In fact, for the past 3 generations my family has been in the big AC family. My son will have to continue this very good trend."
Me: "Ahhh... But his L1R5 is 39."
FRF: "Minus higher chinese and Golf (CCA), his L1R5 is actually 35."
Me: "Huh but it says here that his Higher Chinese failed."
FRF: "Oh I know someone in MOE." *winks* "He actually got distinction, if u get what I mean." *double wink* "The cambridge side can't be helped. Ppl in UK are too busy setting up anti-xiaxue blogs and reading The Order Of the Phoenix to change results for me. I told them I would pay them $50,000 but somehow they hung the phone saying 'I dun give no shit about rupiah! Its a sodding minute amount of money!'" *looks pained*
Me: "Actually you really sound Indonesian leh."
FRF: "Huh really meh? No lar ppl in UK are too bo liao. They like to assume things. Like the fact that everyone in the right frame of mind would know that swimming was invented in the 15th century. DID YOU KNOW THAT SWIMMING WAS INVENTED THEN? COZ I DIDN'T!"
Me; "Huh you very irrelevant leh. Lets get back to the *ahem* donations."
FRF: "IT IS NOTHING WRONG NOT TO KNOW THAT SWIMMING WAS INVENTED IN THE 15TH CENTURY! WHY DID PPL NOT WADE AROUND EARLIER?!"
Me: "Okie okie! So u giving me anything or not."
FRF: "Eh, Miss Cheng, I think the field needs a new lawn mower. I shall give you one. In fact, I shall include a few cranes (the white birds, u cok, not the tall machines) and a nice slave of mine to cut grass for you."
Okie why the picture, you ask. Coz today while I was going to work I saw this fellow mowing the field near the MRT station. The white spots are really cranes, escaped from Jurong Bird Park. I was just wondering why the *toot!* did the cranes all surround the lawnmower. It even looks as if the guy is feeding them. So I took a picture coz it looks so cute. And the person in the lawnmower, despite the distance, looks very happy to me. Ain't it great to be cutting grass in the hot sun and surrounded by cranes? Just tot I would share it with you guys
Me: "My place needs a lawn mower too. And my carpet grass refuses to grow unless it drinks Champagne. Speaking of which, Moet and Chandon is my fav bathtub fill too. I no longer bath in HL milk. Just love the bubbly feeling on my skin."
FRF: "Ah, didn't you know that I actually owned Moet and Chandon, my dear Miss Cheng!"
Me: *Of coz I know, you cok* "Oh really, Mr Moet?!! Oh yeah I didnt even notice the surname similarity!! Maybe you could give a lifetime supply to the school!"
FRF: "Not enough. Please accept my donation of 5 grand pianos, all designed by Marc Jacob himself, and 3 olympic sized swimming pools filled with Moet and Chandon every single day till my son graduates from ACJC."
Me: *ahem*
FRF: "I will introduce my younger brother to you too, Miss Cheng. He loves petite ladies."
Me, shouting to son, who is golfing at the other end of my office: "Welcome to ACJC, Joshua!"
*****
Ah well it is pretty obvious that the above will not happen. But being a teacher has other goods as well.
It is an honourable enough job to let me run for presidency in future. I mean, presidents are always in these occupations. Doctors, teachers, priests etc. It will be weird if an accountant became the president right? Then who does the accounts? If it is an advertiser who ran for presidency? Then who does his advertisements? If an insurance agent becomes president, will u get totally freaked out?
Anyway I wanna be president coz it is zuo bo except sign here and there and go to this occasion as guest of honour, show face at functions etc. I will even get to plant trees, so fun! I decided I dun mind staying in the Istana too. Wait. Did Ong teng cheong die at home?
Someone told me it doesn't happen this way in Singapore. Not any Tom, Harry, or bushy dick can run for presidency unlike in America.
In that case it is an honourable enough job to let me run for president's wife. The president's wife can't possibly be a marketer or something right? I dun mind being the president's wife too coz at least I will get my photo on every school's walls. I will traumatize everyone with a portrait that looks like this:
It will serve to:
1) Freak the balls outta everyone when seen at night, thus effectively making Singaporeans braver ppl in future.
2) Make everyone more horny thus effectively increasing the birth rate of Singaporeans.
3) Inject a bit of humour into dry Singapore.
If I rule Singapore, you will be very happy and entertained citizens. Grouchy ppl who dun understand my jokes can jolly well migrate.
My signboards will be like:
"AYE TO JURONG. Take note that I might be a lying signboard. Well, dun blame us signboards. You shld jolly well know your directions by now. If u are a tourist, have u checked whether u got SARS or HERPES before coming here? Anyway this AYE leads to Ang Mo Kio."
At construction areas: "Rome wasn't build in one day. In fact, it has been centuries since and we still dun think it is built. So dun complain about us upgrading for your own bloody use in future. We are not sorry for the inconvenience caused. In fact, we feel happy watching u get pissed reading this signboard."
At Reserviors: "Fish all you want. Just kindly eat up the fish you caught. Did we forget to mention that guys like to ejaculate into the waters after they make out with their gfs beside the reserviors?"
At random areas along orchard road there will be stickers on the ground. "Jump repeatedly at this area and you will be transported to Heeren/Taka/Wisma in a jiffy. May sound ridiculous but try it!"
Singaporeans are all accustomed to my tricks everywhere so they wun jump like jumping beans in the middle of orchard. Have great fun watching a Japanese tourist jump, and another Japanese tourist taking photos.
For those of u who dunch know, Milieu is a club which has taken over the old Papa Joe's next to centrepoint.
There was this SP bash thingy coz the graduation night was cancelled due to SARS. Thats (the cancellation) was totally irritating coz I signed up to be the organising committee for the Grad ball. This means that I get to go to the ball at conrad for FREE while other ppl pay $65!
Itz a totally nice place. There are plushy comfy cushioned couches for simply rotting away while listening to the crowd go wild with Bon Jovi's "ITZ MY LIFFFFFFFFFFE!"
Yup itz all yours. No one wants it anyway. Ok maybe someone called Death wud be interested some day but meanwhile it is really all yours.
Anyway since it was an SP thingy why did XF and PY go? Coz they love me, and they want to spend all the time they can with me. And I am not even gonna die anytime soon.
Nah... Itz coz itz free entry (invites thanks to June), and they were bored, and there were free drinks. It is sad to mention that the free drinks tasted like Pomelo, with Jif dishwashing liquid added. Hey wait, now itz called Cif, ain't it? Not that I tasted Cif, if thats what u are thinking now.
We took this in a toilet with a mirror (OK Eddy you may laugh now) coz XF and PY are totally sick of my camera and refused to take a proper photo.
They kept saying my dress looks like an Ah mah's dress.
They obviously didnt realise that Ah mahs look totally weird with a halterneck dress.
We walked pass Centrepoint's macdonalds and was pleasantly surprised to find that everything was decorated "Finding Nemo" style. So cute! See this!
Ahahha... Cute pufferfish!
Anyway my friends have all gone mad already. I somehow have this very bad feeling it was me who started it, but all the gals started to grope each others' breasts for fun!
I'm a victim okie!
Ahhh... Dun act shy lar June.. U like right...
LOL... No, I was not drunk. In fact, I'm a such a total loser in handling alcohol. I dun drink much not only coz I would embarrass myself, but oso coz I dun like the taste, and I would get rashes. Aiyoh so loser.
There was this incident when I was with my classmates in Sentosa. It was 9 plus and while we were walking, we saw this little stall selling drinks and ice cream, which is closed for the day. The stall is one of those which is just a booth, and there is no door or lock to it, thus when the vendor leaves, he just has to lock up the drinks fridge and the ice cream bar.
I saw that the drinks fridge didnt seem to be locked in any way. Plus it was still on, and we were thirsty. Ice cold drinks.... Hmmm...
I told them I wanted to steal the drinks but they pulled me away.
Later on we walked back the same path and saw the stall again. I told him this time I am really gonna steal it. They taunted that I was gonna look damn silly coz the bloody thing HAS to be locked.
Hoola! It wasn't! I took out a drink for myself. My classmates got excited and each wanted a drink (6 of us altogether), no doubt scaring the tourists around with the total non-regard of the law Singaporean teens have.
I looked at the variety of drinks. Wasn't a lot to choose from. Brain had to process fast to steal something. I decided to take Tiger Beer coz it was the most expensive there, alot I dun really like it alot.
My classmates drank their soft drinks in a jiffy and I gulped down 3 big gulps of the beer. I gave the rest to Scandalous Shuyin after that coz I felt weird.
Subsequently while they were discussing our project I puked all over. Bleah. I didn't even get a chance to get to the "high" part or the drunk part. I just puked everything out in fifteen minutes.
My classmates kept scolding me for being Gian bng gian sai, of so many drinks I muz choose the most expensive one.
LOLz
I have decided to turn Bisexual. But then again I can't bring myself to go down on gals. IT IS WEIRD (and rather gross)! I shall remain heterosexual then. Female admiration is just purely about aesthetics. Thats sad coz guys all around are totally disappointing.
Speaking of aesthetics. I want to admit that almost all my pictures are edited. Thats coz I am pretty good with photoshop. I can't help meddling with the pictures! I usually try to maintain itz natural form as much as possible though *ahem*.
Anyway in real life I am fatter. Okie eyes smaller. Nose bigger. Hair not as shiny. etc etc.
The worst thing about photo editing is that if itz done well, it really can't be found out, unlike plastic surgery where u can see small scars everywhere.
Okie here, show u something.
I found Jamie's picture on Google search.
Ah... Jamie here looks upset about something. Maybe itz coz she looks rather unpleasant in this photo. Itz okie, Jamie! Dr Cheng will help you with some digital surgery and you will be a happy gal again!
Jamie loves me!
