It has been long since I laughed so hard at a long complicated bunch of words. There you go:

http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/seduction.htm

ghio ge peng (pardon my bad Hokkien, it means laugh till you die).

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Alright its really irritating. Sony imagestation is giving me problems so the pictures are all looking like white pictures with blue clocks on it. And why must it be so big? Well I thought those are ugly till I saw the small boxes with little red crosses. Infinitely worse.

I would have to change a picture server. Meanwhile, has anyone saved the old pictures? They seem to be gone... I don't dare to think about it. I am freaking out now. Pardon me, I think I shall slam the TV and mutate the dog.

*****

Hi everyone I am back. Since this website is so ugly right now (I can't bare to look), please read my singtel site instead. All the action's there anyway.

And one more thing: Make a wild guess.

MY COM IS DOWN AGAIN.

AGAIN.
AGAIN.
AGAIN.
AGAIN.
AGAIN.
AGAIN.

Can anyone buy me a cheapo computer? I offer sexual favours such as selling June's underwear (I think I can manage to steal some).

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Alrighty. People have been bugging me all day long to blog, so here is a fucking long entry, and don't complain!

*****

I can't believe it.

Just when you think that the human population cannot get any dumber, you get an unpleasant surprise. Tadah! I just realised the only thing that doesnt have a cap on it is human stupidity. The Chinese say that there is always a "higher mountain". Thats rubbish coz its Everest. But there is no "most stupid". Each day it breaks a new record.

Yesterday, I heard from Peiying that someone asked her if I am pregnant.

Now, if you are not an avid reader, please scroll down 2 entries and read some.

DUH!!!!

DOUBLE DUH!

Duh to infinity!

Someone told me that I should stop using the "kidding" word too often, coz its killing the humour for people who get it you see.

Well, see what happens even when I use it? DUMB PEOPLE STILL DON'T GET IT THAT I AM KIDDING! And now I am supposed to be pregnant with piles, and at the same time, I am an internet porn star (its my occupation in friendster)! How gross is that??

Why do people always believe me when I am lying and doubt me when I am telling the truth?

Alright let me tell you guys this now:

I am not pregnant. Nor can I ever be, because I am not even female. YES. THATS CORRECT. I HAVE BALLS. Xiaxue is an internet alias that I used, because I want attention. If you really wanna know, I am actually Edwin Yeo, the ti ko peh who writes the humour (or so I find) column in the Newpaper.

I'm shizophrenic. I need an outlet for expression which is away from public scrutiny so that I can let go without people barking down my neck you see. Oh well. Or so it started la. Now I'm STILL under public scrutiny again, but you see, thats because my writing is so good that people cannot resist it. I even threw in a few delibrate grammar, i mean, grammer, mistakes here and there to be realistic.

Then why choose a 20 year old poly student to write in the perspective of?

Its because I wanna write childish bitchy comments so a young girl would be apt.

And who is in all the photos I posted?

Oh, its a Korean girl that I pay to take photos of. She poses, and I snap. She only strips sometimes. Yeah yeah I know you knew it. Undeniably she has a slut face.

Thats right. She can't blog for nuts. She's Korean! I pushed her to enter the Singtel competition, but I write on her behalf you see. THATS DAMN RIGHT. EVERY SINGLE F thing you see on the site is FAKE!!!

"Wendy" *snigger* facing trauma because her parents are divorced? FAKE. "Wendy" getting pregnant? FAKE. "Xiaxue" having a good hair day? Yeah Song Jinn Yung was having a good hair day alright.

I know Im breaking your little heart, but facts are facts dude.

*dramatic pause*

Alright. Lets see how many people believe me.

I shall go on pretending I am "Xiaxue" (Xiaxue indeed. *Snigger*) and write as per normal.

******************

I don't get it man. Why do they ban durians on the MRT?

Lets boil it down to a few possible reasons.

1) Durians are green and green is a disgusting colour.

But they don't ban potted plants so that cannot be the reason.

2) Durians are spiky and they might, if dropped or thrown, cause grievous harm.

Yeah but they don't ban spiky potted plants (i.e a giant cactus) so that cannot be the reason too.

3) Durians are plain ugly and that's gross.

Yeah but Bon Jovi must have used public transport before he got a car?

4) Durians might have worms in them.

What wrong with a few worms?

5) Of course we know the real reason. Durians stink.

But that's bullshit! I don't think they stink! They RULE! The durian is a good fruit coz it causes nosebleeds if you eat too much of it, and nosebleeds rule.

What can be cooler than having blood stream out of your nostrils (like in the movies!) and having everyone fuss over that as if you just had a minor heart attack? And then you act cool and go like "Oh its really ok! I'm ok! Its just a pint of blood! I can lose that... Nothing important!"

Alright, assuming that Durians really stink, which they don't, shouldn't the gahment, by the same logic, ban smelly people?

Heres to stupid people:

Durian stink. Durian banned.

Smelly ah peh stink. Smelly ah peh _____. (fill in the blank)

I mean, I would rather take the MRT with a Durian than with a smelly Ah Peh. The ah peh may rape you. The durian wouldn't (don't even think about it). The ah peh might have a ring worm. The durian might just have worms. You can eat the Durian if you are hungry. If you eat the ah peh you will be jailed for... hey wait. People just DON'T eat Ah Pehs.

You are saying that Ah peks need to travel and Durians don't.

Lets be irrelevant and assume that the durian needs to travel. But its banned from public transport coz its smelly. So what should the durian do, logically? Take a bath correct?? So the ah pek should do the same thing! Look. If you are a durian, its even worse! You have to bathe all the spikes and buy new sponges everytime! At least the Ah Peks can bathe normally, so why isn't he doing so?

You say that all Durians are smelly so it is easy to ban them.

Well all smelly ah peks are smelly too. DUH!

Alright they don't all look the same, but have a smell detector then!

You say that the smelly ah peks have feelings so it is mean to ban them.

Are you saying that it is ok to ban the Durian just coz it doesn't have feelings? That's rubbish! In the first place, how do you know that the Durian doesn't have feelings? Alright assuming it doesn't, doesn't the logic stand true to vegetables as well?

I'm not telling about kai lan vegetable here. I am talking about coma vegetables here.

If they don't have feelings, does it mean that we can use them as sex toys ala Kill Bill? No right?

And EVEN WORSE! If you think about it, we should punish the ah pek even MORE! This is because the Ah pek made a CHOICE to be smelly! Yes, he might not know that he is, but logically speaking, if you don't bathe for 10 days u possibly stink, DUH! (duh is word of the day)

Which brings me abruptly to another topic.

Rape.

I watched Irreversible (AGAIN) yesterday. See, lotsa people find the rape scene very disturbing but I found it actually slightly arousing (just v v slightly) at the beginning. Until she started to squeal like a stuck pig and when she got kicked in the face it is not funny anymore of course.

Now, why do I not find it utterly revolting?

One simple reason. Because the rapist is not very ugly. If it had been a pimply sweaty hairy old man raping her while making her lick his armpits, I would have been very traumatized.

So according to my warped logic, how unpleasant rape is is highly dependant on how grosteque the rapist is. So if you are a bangala (there's nothing wrong with my personal perception that they are grosteque so stop the racist thing. I just dun like their lewd stares.) and you rape someone, you ought of have your penis chopped off AFTER you are asked to rape the MsBlast inventor. But if you are Keanu Reeves, you should be paid for sharing your wonderful sperm so generously and can you please be so kind as to rape more often? Tour to Singapore? I pay?

I think its perfectly logical.

Of course, there are many other things to consider. For example, if a monkey rapes me I would be traumatized although other monkeys (and some humans) might find that he is the cutest monkey ever. And also, just because you are good looking doesn't mean you give good sex, so if Keanu rapes me but he has a lumpy penis I would be very traumatized too. Alright this could be cured by assuming good looks extends to the size (and condition, for girls) of genitals too.

And then there is the issue that it is mean to discriminate because of looks although everyone does it anyway.

Alright you don't agree with me.

Maybe we shouldn't go to the extreme. Lets say that Keanu rapes your sister. Keanu goes to jail and yadda yadda usual punishments.

Bangala with lumpy penis rapes your sister. Bangala has aids from blood transfusion and he doesn't know he has aids. But point is that he has aids.

DON'T YOU THINK BANGALA SHOULD BE PUNISHED MORE??!

Duh!!

DUH!!



Lets jump abruptly into another topic.

A few days ago Bernard (if you people remember who) asked me to go see a 5566 concert.

Naturally I jumped at the chance. In fact, I asked him whether I could ask June along with me, so that I would not be so bored since Bernard said that there would be more of his friends going. Then he asked me whether she is chio, which I said yes to of course, and then he said that its ok.

When I called June, she said that her cousin is very interested to go, thus she would give up the seat to her cousin.

Bernard said no after asking how old the cousin is. I thought it is very mean of him to only allow (I suppose) only chio girls to go, and that his tone seems a little weird?

After much prompting, he told me that actually it is not a 5566 concert but just a magic show.

DUH!

DUH!!

I was quite pissed, but I agreed to go with him to the show.

When I arrived at the MacDonalds we were supposed to meet at, I felt strange. Strange because there was a frightfully big amount of people, and for a fucking magic show they all seem too well-dressed. If you can imagine it, the guys were typically in black pants, a long sleeved shirt tucked in, and leather shiny black loafers. Some even donned on a tie. And they were frightfully polite and friendly to me, and to everyone else.

This is weird, the whole bunch of them pretty obviously being ah bengs and lians. This is wrong. It all seems WRONG. They should be at coffee shops smoking. "ni nabeh" should come out of their mouths, not "Ni de yi fu hen mei leh?(Your clothes look good)".

I asked the people around me what kind of magic show it is, and they all said its just a magic show lor. Patronising answers. Then sniggering to themselves. So never mind, I just joked on with them.

The whole scene is reminiscent of something, but I just cannot decide what.

I told Bernard that he look like an insurance agent out to cheat people.

I told Bernard his friend looks like he is going to City Harvest.

Yes, in fact, the whole bunch looks like City Harvest people. Too friendly, hypocritically friendly, because God says it is good to be nice or something. And people acting as if they are the best of friends although they barely knew each other. Dressing up for church, as if God cares whether you are in a potato sack or in Gucci. Adam and Eve came naked anyway. They just wanna sex, sodding obvious, DUH.

Little did I realise that it is a combination of the two things I predicted them to be.

MLM.

Imagine my horror when I stepped into the big hall and I saw the words Astral Mag. DOH.

I shall continue blogging tomorrow. Suddenly very sick of blogging.

*****

To the angelic people who sent me the fix for MSBLAST (my version is called MsLaugh) I am really really thankful. You people are great, seriously. You make me wanna donate money to flag day people just coz its nice to be nice.

Nights all.

And oh yeah. I blogged all these when I was at TODAY. Nothing to do nia. And yes. My com is fixed.

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I'm sorry.. Really busy these few days... Plus my com is recently revived. And guess what? I kanna MsBlast within 1 hour of usage!!! Yaaay! I'm like the luckiest girl on Earth!! And I can't patch it coz my uncle (yes the same one) used a cheong CD with a cheong CD key which Microsoft recognises, so the patch cannot be installed properly! Wonderful!

If I have one wish now, I would wish that the person who created MsBlast would be raped by a raging bull with aids and herpes. And then have three satay sticks driven thru his balls. While having me roll up a vanguard sheet and hollar through that at his ear: "YOU JIAK BA BO SAI PANG IZZIT???!"

He would possibly answer, "Oh yes, yes!" since he cannot understand Hokkien since he must be Russian (Russians are evil) and thinks I am asking him whether he is sorry.

I will then drown his pets/kids one and by one and make him DAMN sorry for making my life so miserable!

Bill Gates would be eternally grateful to me and will give me 300 million bucks and I will be the richest blogger on Earth!! Wahahahaha!

-_-

But this is if I have one wish. Which I don't. If I do, I will first wish that the fucking rooster which wakes me up every 4 am will be raped by a raging bull with aids and herpes.... And it goes on. See? I'm a simple and sweet girl actually. Its just that I get bad experiences in life.

I mean, who else (besides my neighbours) has a freaking mad rooster waking them up every single day of their lives at 4 am??

Alright. My com cannot install photoshop somehow, so I shall not blog. Meanwhile, voting has started! Vote for me k, but keep in mind that tomorrow is only the second day and it will last a week. And also, votes will be set to zero every week. So yeah, vote if you wanna, now. Only for Singtel users!

SMS "Xiaxue" to 221200!!!

Repeat the number after me, loud and clear:

xiaxue to 221200

xiaxue to 221200

xiaxue to 221200

xiaxue to 221200

xiaxue to 221200

xiaxue to 221200


Each vote costs $0.20, and I reckon it will be ok if you spend like 100 bucks on me every week!

Why vote for me?

Because honestly: Have you seen a better blogger than me?! NO WAY! I am second to none! I'm a born blogger! Blogging is in my blood! Blogger (the site) only exists for ME! Reading my site is the only reason why you live! Every-fucking-body loves me!! No one isn't my fan! I make you smile! I make u laugh out loud in front of your screen, making ur mum whack you on the head to ask you if you are crazy! I make you tremble and pray as you click on your favourites, bite your nails, and open ur eyes slowly wishing and wishing so hard that there is an update!

Enough bullshit. Just vote la.

Oh yeah. And my trailer is on 98.7 FM, the ad for dreamd8... It sounds damn sexy. I am so in love with myself man.

P/s: For blogders who emailed me asking where the Edwin Yeo entry went to, you were hallucinating. There was no such entry. Madness, all of you.

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Just a few news coz I have a test tomorrow and I've gotta study for it...

1) I'm pregnant, help me think of a name for my baby.

Kidding.

1) Anyone knows where to buy Preparation H?

Kidding.

1) Ok I'm serious now. I'm on the centerfold of the Newpaper if you managed to get your hands on one. More about that when I have the time. But anyway my butt looks fat in that picture (believe me it is alot nicer than what it appears to be ok!) and I look absolutely horrid. I need photoshop. I am dying without photoshop. And a PC for that matter.

2) I got my first interview with RSI, a chinese radio station which runs by Shortwaves, which means it reaches out more to a regional audience rather than merely Singaporean. You can hear my voice (speaking in crisp Mandarin!) if you wanna... This interview is merely for myself, as a blogger, and nothing to do with the Singtel competition. As soon as I know the date I would let you know!

Sincerest (if there is such a word) apologies to non-mandarin speaking blogders though...

3) I got interviewed by Lian He Zhao Bao as well but I can't seem to find the article, so if you see it tell me!!

4) I got into Mediacorp Press for my attachment!! How cool is that!

5) Voting starts on 1st March 2004, for the Dreamd8 thing.. It would be 20 cents per vote, and you can even msg me if you wanna. Click here to see how!

I suggest, however, that you save on that 20 to sms me and send me an email instead, coz I would not reply it as the 3650 that Singtel sponsored is very tough to sms with. If you really wanna show support, do vote instead.

Keep in mind however that the contest would go on for a relatively long time, and each week the votes would get deleted, so if you can only cast one vote then I hope you would do so during the later weeks I guess. IF I managed to stay in the contest long enough.

6) The launch party on Thursday was a big blast, it is really a pity for those who didn't go coz the competition would be so much more exciting should you have seen all the contestants. An interesting bunch, I would say.

Androgenous Aaron won himself a 3660 (an upgrade of 3650) coz he was the most avid supporter!! Coz my classmates bought flowers for me and AndroAaron kneeled down to present the flowers to me!!! And he got a 6 months free subscription! Gwenne got a webcam! How cool is that!

7) I lost weight! This is because my maid is gone and I am too lazy to cook! How cool is that!

Thats it!!! But I'm on a roll!! No one is luckier than me on this Earth! I'm one lucky bitch!!! Yaaaaaay!! Yeehaa!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

On a last note, VOTE FOR ME OR DIE.

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Its Valentine's Day once again, the stupid day where men spend so much to pay to florists who are sniggering behind their backs.

Juts a thought: If you are a flowery florist, should your date buy flowers from you to give to you? If he does (I am assuming that most florists are females), isn't it irritating that u would have to wrap your own flowers?? If he does not, do you feel betrayed that he is giving business to other people?? Wahahahahaha... LOL

I'm not gonna blog much coz I'm using my friend's laptop and I hate typing on laptops.

So anyway, what did YOU do this V Day for your loved ones?? I excitedly shaved my pubes into a heart shape and dyed it pink merrily, and then realised that no one's looking. So I dejectedly went to a bar to look for other singles so that the dye job doesn't go to waste. Alas... All the bleach corroded my skin and it is now inflamed with little cauliflower-like growths, thus scaring the shit out of the French man (You should be like ze hippo...[see Along Came Polly, f-funny]) I managed to hook up at a bar. He freaked out, smacked me with a Hermes bag, poured some wine onto my head and proceeded to leave for the Eiffel Tower. WTF.

I'm kidding. But I thought it is a pretty cool idea, isn't it?? I mean the dyeing, not the cauliflower like growths.

So anyway, Alvin bought me a big bouquet of Tulips despite me explicitly asking him not to coz I do not think the florists deserve the money (He can jolly well give it to me!), and I think that I would be very tempted to whack love-sick people with the bouquet should they smooch on escalators. It would be very pleasant if they have hay fever.

So, I left the bouquet in the car.

However, as I was walking around Cineleisure, I realised that I should not have left the bouquet there, coz everyone else seems to prancing around with an adoring male and a teeny weeny bouquet of flowers.

The POINT IS THAT MINE IS BIGGER!!!

Now I know how men with big penises feel. You wanna shout to the world! "I HAVE A FUCKING BIG PENIS!!! YOU SHOULD FUCK ME AND HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE!" but they can't, coz they can't prove it just like that!! How irritating is that!!

MY BOUQUET IS BIGGER! IT IS BIGGER! IT IS BETTER!! IT HAS MORE OoophMmm!IT HAS MORE FLOWERS! ITS EXPENSIVE TULIPS!! NOT STUPID ROSES!! But I left it in the car!!!

No one is competing with me you say. BULLSHIT! The silly girls with the single rose (or the miserly 3 rose plastic wrapped bunches) are all giving me the "My bf treats me better than yours!" look. Well thats nonsense. Alvin, although boyfriend he is not, just caught me a firefly from camp.

And it really glows!! Its so cute!! Alvin says that to catch it you sort of wait for it to fly around, then smack it. Then it sort of goes dizzy and flutters down to the grass, where you have to immediately whip out a torch and find it. And he presented it to me in a ice mountain water bottle.

But thats not the point!! The point is I wanna slap those girls!! Why are they looking so proud of themselves??! Its just a minute puny bunch of cheapo flowers!!! HELLO! WAKE UP YOUR IDEA!! Stop looking so dreamy and love-sick! HE JUST WANTS A BLOWJOB! (If the same theory stands Alvin wants a BIG blowjob. I asked him and he denies it. Bloody liar.)

I thought of ways to counter these idiotic girls.

I shall print t-shirts. T-shirts that I would sell on V-day to girls who don't wanna (or didn't) get flowers.



And if thats not satisfying enough, surely this is:



Wahahahaha.. Did I say I shall not blog much.. Sorry, I eat my words again.

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Terrrrrrrific news people!! MY COM IS DOWN!!!!

*stunned silence*

CONGRATULATIONS!!! AND CELEBRATIONS!!

So no blogging.

If you expect me to apologize for the inconvenience caused, don't. Coz I am dying without a com myself!

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