This is a test! OMG YOU WOULDN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT BLOGGER HAS GIVEN US FREE UNLIMITED PHOTO HOSTING I TOLD YOU BLOGGER IS THE BEST THE PEOPLE WHO ASKED ME TO USE LIVEJOURNAL AND XANGA ARE ALL DELUDED.

It's mad. Its so easy to use. It's mad, mad, mad. I am almost delirious with happiness

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I promise a blog entry tomorrow. With loads of pictures. Really need sleep now.

Anyway, do you think people like Gisele Bundchen gets piles?

I can't resist. I wanna blogggggg....... get my fingers away from the keyboard... oh no no no they are typing like crazy now. I can't stop them!!!!~!~!! Stop, fingers! I need to rest. Oh shit they can't stop now!!!! type type type type tkasdjnads nfa hdancsadnhdlxa sajhdds

*slaps self*

Are you a virgin? Are you depressed and ugly? Do you feel like life's not worth living anymore? Do you wanna make it worse, although it possibly CANNOT go any worse since you can't get laid?

Here's someone who would mock you. He will poke fun at you, although its not your fault you are a virgin! Of COURSE its not your fault. What's so good about having sex ANYWAY.

The Durex Global Sex Survey 2004(Singaporeans read it as Dulex Global Sax Sulvey)is back!!! Go take part in it! When they ask, "How many times do you have sex per week?" please answer >20, so that Singapore would not be ranked as the least sexy country AGAIN.


Here's proof durex mocks virgins.













And then one more redundant question for virgins.
















p/s: Some of the words there are fabricated by me.

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It's a tad too late to blog. Shall give you something else to read/

Two nice sites for you to go to:

Mark Ryden.

Recommended by Diana (my fellow intern), this is some artist who paints damn good. Check out the "blood" catergory by clicking on "Paintings", then "blood".

It's so morbid that I felt like life's totally not worth living after looking at all his works. It really has that effect. Morbid, morbid. So pretty, but so morbid. How does he do it?

Smokers are all stupid.

I'm sorry my smoking friends, but I agree with him. Sometimes, on a hot day, I feel like throwing all the smokers into Antartica so that they would not so inconsiderately make Singapore even hotter and dustier.

Urgh. Why smoke? Don't email me, I'm sure it's bullshit. I'm not interested to listen, coz you are just succumbing to social pressure. Did you not live well before you started smoking? Then why start? And burn your health, money, and white teeth away?

I hope Singapore would ban smoking soon.

May I add, Louis is a cutie. =D But he's attached, so that makes him an average-looking-non-smoking-attached guy. I hope he's not attached to a shu nu. Yuck.

To the smokers who are planning to send me hatemail: Don't, because I am not planning to impose my opinions on you. You don't need to agree with me. I repeat: You don't need to agree with me. I'm fine with smokers (even as boyfriends) - I just wish they would stop puffing coz it stinks.

p/s: How's Fei Yu-Ching you ask? I'm sorry, you would just have to get your copy of TODAY to know! We Set You Thinking anyway. =D

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You won't believe it.

I'm going to the press conference of one of the top 15 shaggable men in my top 15 shaggable men list.





















It's not Beckham.



























It's not Legolas.
It's not Peter Pan.





















It's Fei Yu-Ching.




I can't contain my pheromones, they are going wild. (Yes I know a scent can't really go wild but who cares?)

Can't wait. BLEAH. (BTW, I do not REALLY think he is shaggable. It's a joke, get it?)

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Yes people, don't worry. I am fine, I am fine. *grouchs* PMS la.

On a side note, I hate it when people post up those stupid trashy forwarded mails on their blogs, ie of Words of an abortioned baby (Utter fucking trash) or When God created woman he breathed life in her... (STFU)

I feel extremely disgusted with those long usually mushy passages and I take a fine load of pleasure sniggering to myself while I click DELETE (yaaay!) before I even finish reading it (to the part where they say you must forward it or ur love life will suck FOREVER).

Now that those words are on the blogs, I CAN'T DELETE IT! I can click away the page, but it doesn't feel as good!!! Urrrgh.

*****

On another side note, I was talking to Eileen.

Me: Hey, the only words which has B and J in them are blowjob and brinjal, right? Got others not?

Eileen: Benjamin!

Me: Oh yeah ah!!!

Eileen: Bo jio! Ha ha ha (Continues to churn out more irrelevant Hokkien words while laughing hysterically)

Me: Shut up.

*****

On the last side note: Stop asking me what shu nu means. Go check out xiaxue-dictionary.blogspot.com. I have not done it up properly yet and there are many words missing, but it will do for the moment. AND NO! "Shu nus" (plural of shu nu) does not have anything to do with a certain local university.

*****

Note to self: Use the word "dingbat" to describe stupid people in future.

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I was supposed to go to a massage cum spa thing with Eileen today. It's ridiculously cheap coz it's on some offer - $30 for a 30 minutes massage and 20 mins spa (and you can use their sauna and bathrooms as well, complete with fluffy white towels).

Not bad huh? Too bad it's fully-booked. Knn.

So, I stayed at home the whole day. Which is not really so bad since I slept till 4pm. Yikes.

I re-watched Shrek (in preparation for Shrek 2) and re-watched My Best Friend's Wedding.

I realised that My Best Friend's Wedding has possibly the BEST script in the entire world (Troy's not bad as well, may I add. Priam's speech had me in tears). The movie has so many fabulous quotes that I don't know where to start from.

For those who have watched the movie, there's one memorable one where Julia Roberts (Julianne) was talking to Dermot Mulroney (Michael) on a boat and he said that if you love someone, you say it.

Or, the moment just... passes you by.

And so coincidentally we see Julianne with a pained expression as she so wants to say she loves Michael but the moment passes her by, symbolised by a shadow over them as the boat goes under a bridge.

And then there's the other one I like to tell myself all the time, whenever I am in deep shit:

"This too, shall pass."

Correct! How many times have you thought you are in some fucking shit and in the end it just blows over anyway?

Watching it the second time struck me with one new revelation.

Cameron Diaz (the love rival): "You are not up for anything conventional, or anything that's assumed to be a female priority. Including marriage, romance, or even..."

Julia Roberts: "Love?"

Cameron Diaz:

*nod* "I thought I was like you, and PROUD to be.

Until I met rumpled, smelly, old Michael.

Then I found out I was just a sentimential schmuck like those flighty nitwits I've always pitied."

*****

Alright.

I can totally understand what she's talking about.

Yes, I know I'm this foul-mouthed, loud obnoxious bitch - on this website.

But, I'm not like that all the time (some of the time is bad enough actually)! I know I sound contradicting because I often mention that I'm the true me here. But but... being in a relationship would mellow me down I guess.

No no, not like change me totally. But I do have my feminine side as well? I know, I know. It's quite yikes to see me perhaps write something like this:

yay dar agreed to bring me to Sentosa after my attachment! i wanna explore the island all over again! and i wanna go to the zoo and see the polar bears and penguins! i can't wait! whee~!

i have an inner child of a 6-year-old.

Quoted from Xiangru's blog with no offence whatsoever ok? =)

But, but. I'm not so bad, really! I erm, I can be all sweet and nice too! Stop thinking that I'll speak like "FUCK THE FUCKERS" whenever I open my mouth coz I don't! I'd remember anniversaries too! I can bake cookies as well! I do give back massages! What's wrong, why do I always portray the image that I am only capable of slaying people?

I just want a boyfriend whom I can cuddle while watching TV. too. just like all the other girls. =(

Haiz. I'm suddenly feeling pretty upset. I think I'll never be able to get a man who loves me and vice versa. Because everyone thinks I'm a bitch. Because everyone thinks I'd never be marriage, or even girlfriend, material.

Why do so many guys tell me things like: "If I'm with you I'm scared you write on ur website that I have a puny dick".

I AM NOT SO LOW-BLOW OK??! I'm not like that! I would not write such stuff! URGGH!

I shall do a character revamp.

Because you know what? Gentle, sweet, irritatingly perfect "creme brulee" Cameron Diaz got the man instead of arrogent, confident "jell-o" Julia Roberts. And no matter what Roberts says about how her character is unique, distinct and true, she can jolly well fuck herself because the guy making love to Diaz (thats right, its the flighty nitwits), not her.

If I remain like this, I would be like Roberts: Attending my love's wedding - as the best friend.

*****

From now on I shall stop acting like a bitch. I shall smile more, talk less and stop being so ****ing confident. "WHATS WITH THE ASTERISKS!" you exclaim. That's right, I shall stop using vulgarities as well.

Janice shall be my role model. I mean seriously. If I were a guy, I'd choose her over me! It's a simple logic, ok?

BTW: I have realised that guys like girls who are nursing their wounds from an old relationship with a horrible ex-bf, so I shall act like that as well.

*****

Dear Diary,

I just wish that Shaun would come back. I wake up thinking of him, and I sleep dreaming of him. Every single minute pains me, as I feel his existence in my room, my soul, my every orifice. I wish he would just impale me again. To think that he is kissing another is just so hurting.

It has been 3 weeks and 14 days now. That would make it 5 weeks. (Author's note: Shit, I can't even write this without mocking it. *slaps self* NO SAYING SHIT.)

I need someone to hug and love. I so wish to be in his embrace again, even if it's for one minute.

Could I ever accept anyone else? I don't think so. Shaun is the love of my life. I shall delibrately not pick myself up from this sweet sorrow till he comes back, although I know I'm being stupid by torturing myself and thinking he would change. I mean, some necrophiles might stop being necrophiles, otherwise, the saying would be "A necrophile would never change its spots", no?

Everything besides leopards will change its spots.

*****

WHY DOES EVERY FUCKER IN THE WORLD LIKE SHU NUS, WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY!!!!!!!!




I

AM

SO

TRAUMATIZED!!!!!!!!!!

Nobody loves me!!!!!! =(

*****

Leave me alone while I wallow in self-pity. Stop telling me that some guy would like me some day, I'll just have to wait. YOU BIG FAT LIAR YOU ARE EITHER A SHU NU IN LOVE OR A SHU NU LOVER LOVING A SHU NU SO STFU COZ YOU ARE SO IN LOVE OF COURSE YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHETHER I AM LOVED OR NOT! May I add that I'm gonna be jobless soon too.

I don't need pity! I just need a job. Get me a job.

And then I will hire a toyboy who will be commanded to say "I love you because you are not like the rest of the flighty nitwits" every morning when I wake up, and shower me with kisses and hugs while I ruffle his hair and tell him that I love him too.

Signing off,
Xiaxue (who can be all sweet and gentle too, if you rub me the right way)

Updated (2 mins after posting this up):

Just as I was getting very emotional about this post (because I spoke to a certain someone on MSN), look what awaited me on irc?

[WaveS] hey
[WaveS] jackson here
[WaveS] i need a favour of u
[Xiaxue] what
[WaveS] aiyah
[WaveS] help me post something on ur blog
[WaveS] for my girlfriend can
[WaveS] she reads it
[WaveS] juz wnna do something sweet for her.
[WaveS] i lost all ur numbers le. then cannt find u.
[WaveS] i'll buy u a pair of jeans lah can
[Xiaxue] FUCK YOU
[Xiaxue] no
[Xiaxue] do I look like a fucking matchmaker to you?
[WaveS] u look like a nice bullettin
[WaveS] she loves ur blog though i seldom read it.
[WaveS] itz juz meant as a surprise for her
[WaveS] would u help pls?
[Xiaxue] no. FUCK OFF

That made me burst into tears. Why does nobody do such nice stuff for me? WHY IS IT ALWAYS FOR THE OTHER GIRLS? And on my fucking website now? FUCK OFF. Idiot. Not that i would ever like this WaveS person of course, but that's not the point. URGH.

Yeah yeah blame me for being rude when I am feeling so pissed, will you? Send me hate mail, and make me feel worse. Maybe I would just go commit suicide and stop bothering you because this website must have made your life much worse.

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I was bored. I updated mydreamd8.

In any case, if you are too lazy to click there, here's what I wrote.

AND did you ever think I was totally bullshitting when I said that my photoshop is FUCKING GOOD? I mean it. I'm a total goddess. Still sceptical? Don't be. Scroll down.

*****

Out of the kindness of my heart, I decided to help Singtel save some face by enhancing the photos of our dear deserving winners.

For christ's sake, Posh. Stop using your bloody webcam to take photos when you have a $1,000 camera.

There you go, Posh and Ed.



And then, tadah!



Reduced a bit of yellow, and made the crown look a little less cheapskate. Some blogder told me that Singtel put the crown on them. I ALMOST LAUGHED MY LIVER ROTTEN. How can Singtel do such shoddy work! Why, M1 not enough market share ah??!

Anyways, I tried to reduce the downturned faggoty smile, but failed. Did some botox as well. I couldn't resist.

NOW FOR POSH



You will not believe it. My photoshop skills are like DARN GOOD. I can't believe I made her so chio in 5 minutes.



Alrighty here's what I did. Jack up the brightness, reduced yellow.

Made the eyes a little less scary, and added a bit of pink to the cheeks. Reduced the dark-brownish lip colour with more red tones.

I tried to remove the, erm, moustache like patch but only semi-succeeded.

Made the nose smaller and jawline smaller as well.

I can't believe it. Am I good or what? I think they should use my photos man!

Anything to say about this? Or you got a photoshop job for me? Email me: xiaxue@gmail.com.

*****

I thought about it. I should write freelance and go into photo enhancing. Heard from Ben enhancing a advertisement photo would cost around $800. That's a bloody lot of money!

ANYWAYS. If you have a photo you want me to enhance it, plus take away all your flaws, pay me $30 (those big big makeover photos la, not like Posh's) and I will do it for you. Ha ha ha. Small pics $10. Come, lelong lelong...!

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