I told you my photoshop is good, I didn't say how good.

Let's look at one of the most awful photos I ever took.

Photographer: EK Wong (The initals to sound cool)

Location: Ghim Hui's house

Camera: Kodak non-professional 2.0 megapixel

Lighting: Sunshine + flash

Make-up/hair: Wendy C.

Clothes: Models' own.

Erm, Models: Feng (it's Xiao Feng but an asian sounding model name sounds modelish), Wendy C. (it's Wendy Cheng but C. sounds like I am Eurasian - Wendy Charlize or something)


Here is how Feng and Wendy C looks like:

Very normal-looking girls.

Now, before you say,"OK WHAT..", let me tell you that Wendy C.'s face has already been photoshopped, although to a minimum. That is because she has an amazingly big nose and a big pimple under that amazingly big nose at the point of time the photo was taken.

In fact, she airbrushed half of that pimple away so you can still see a little bit of it.

The picture is made smaller so that you would not have nightmares too.

Feng looks fine though - she is naturally beautiful.










Now the target: Let's make the models look like they are, say, Oil of Olay Models. Is that possible?










Ah. I see your skeptical look.












Gimme some time, will ya?





























The stupid tag is in the middle coz I have this feeling some people might use the picture for friendster user pics or something. Do it! Crop us! XF (aka you!) will have no neck!




What do you think? Let's add some text.














Ha ha ha ha I am damn bo liao.

Click here to see the original picture.

I am damn good at photoshop. Got more blogs coming along tonight for you, check back again!

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Are you lucky cretins or what??! Double post today! Read till you shiok shiok sia!

Here are some photos. *smiles*

*****

Went to my school's post internship seminar.

Having strategically placed our internship at the end of our graduating term, our school hopes to see the students being employed after the attachment. (Quit asking, TODAY is not hiring. Either that or I smell a 'degree' problem.)

Anyways, it also means that the seminar will be the absolute last time I see my lecturers and schoolmates all in a lecture hall with me.

Three years of the same faces. I know by heart almost everyone's back view (I sit near the top row), and I feel a sharp pain knowing that I will never see that sight again.

My classmates. Without school as an inescapable reason, it is near impossible to get everyone to put in effort to meet up (huh don't want la, so far, etc) again.

I miss River Valley. Now I have to miss SP too. And very soon afterwards, I will miss TODAY. I hate it!! It's the big bad world after this!! Will you guys still be here with me through the journey?

I shall stop indulging in self-pity.

=(

My law lecturer.



Isn't she so cute!! I already say I dig lawyers, ha ha. In any case, I asked her who the copyrights of this particular picture belongs to, and she said the commissioner of the photo = me. Ha ha!! You can't stop me from putting it up, Miss Peter!!

If you REALLY want it off, email me.



This view is so familiar to me. For a good year, these two lovebirds have been sitting beside me. Now I will never see them in the bloody lecture hall again!! Oh boohoohoo~!

And don't you think that Shuyin's bracelet looks like the Reversi/Othello(can't spell) checkers??! HA HA HA HA HA!!

(Just in case you are asking, Idris' name IS purposedly placed on top of his messy hair. In my very artistic opinion, it looks like "Idris" is happily nesting. Which looks artistic.)



I love this photo!!! Although Shuyin's nostrils look a tad too big (I already tried to photoshop them smaller), I think we look extremely happy. Or at least I do. Shuyin looks astonished-happy.



Scrolling down, who is Diana Neo who said that quote, you ask? She is above - my fellow coursemate and intern at Today. I miss her and Miki already!

I saw a Mudd today who traumatized me.



Wah lau. I have that Gucci bag in black!! Why must he carry it!! Young punks have no business with classy bags!! It's NOT their correct image! Now that bag has absolutely no class and I am going to burn it.

BRB.

*****

back.

Girls, don't say I don't tell you good bargains.

Went to six at City Link Mall today, and I found super cheap necklaces!!



I know it can't be seen properly BUT it's this plain diamante choker, which is quite nice.

Make a guess.

THREE BUCKS. Go get it! There are some left.

And I don't know if you noticed. If you haven't, look at the photo again!! I discovered some new trick in Photoshop that can make you look like a face mask model. Mua ha ha ha ha!

*****

I bought an anklet as well ($12.50)!! MY goodness it's so nice I can't stop looking at my feet and I knocked into walls thrice today. My forehead is bleeding, but who cares, I have a nice anklet!



Awwwww.... Isn't it so pretty?? oh yes baby you are so pretty and glittery baby...

One more.



Oh will you just look at that sparkle!!!

The anklet is so nice, that I am worried. I am worried that no one ever looks at my face anymore! Or boobs for that matter!

They see me, and then they go like, "FUCK, THAT'S THE NICEST FUCKING ANKLET I HAVE EVER FUCKING SEEN!!!"

And then they get orgasms looking at my anklet, and then they all bug me... "WHERE DID YOU BUY THAT GORGEOUS BABY?!" they ask in great urgency. "I WANT IT TOO!"

"Oh no you don't," I would smirk. "I only tell my blog readers!"

At this point of time, they would have salivated so much, that the anklet is wet.

My gosh, do I have the nicest anklet on Earth or what? Who cares if my ankles are thick and fat? No one even looks at them.

My anklet rules. It rules so much, that I have decided to celebrate it's ONE DAY BIRTHDAY but decorate its home (which is my feet) with flowers.



Happy Birthday, my dear anklet!

(should you ever come to my place, may I gently remind you not to touch those purple flowers.)

*****

Been getting lots of interesting assignments recently. I love my Andrew Seow article!

Click here to view it.

That guy is so f-funny!! I think he should be a comedian, seriously.

Can you imagine, the first thing he come in, he say, "I take photo very ugly leh, how ah?"

"Eh eh," he nudged. "Can draw caricature instead or not."

If you don't find that funny, think of how Andrew Seow's big head caricature will look like. -_- Where got celebrity want to be drawn like Neil Humphreys (Today's own famous humour columnist)??!

Speaking of Neil (what, my colleague what, cannot call him Neil meh. Ah ah! It's Mr Humphreys to you!), he graced the side of my desk today, no doubt increasing the price of that particular desk three-fold.

When he walked pass (to the pantry), he honoured the dustbin at the side of my table by throwing something in it.

*SMASH!!!* went the garbage.

MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! HOW COME HIS GARBAGE IS SO BLOODY LOUD?!

I thought. I pondered. I wondered aloud. I was confused. I was lost. AND THEN I REALIZED!!!!

It is because he is damn tall that's why it traveled a long way to the bin and thus it is so bloody loud.

I am terribly pleased with my intelligence.

BACK TO ANDREW:

Damn cock lor. He keep gushing about Jacelyn Tay too. Doh!!!

I like him. I think he's better than Jack Neo any day.

"Imagine ah, all the apples on the trees right, and then Jacelyn is one of the apples there. She will be this Jacelyn-quality apple! If I ask you to choose one of the apples, then of course you will choose the Jacelyn-quality apple right?!" ~Andrew Seow

Seow is siao!! Ha ha ha.

*****

Watched Shrek 2. It is funny. Not really as funny as the first, but lots more details.

If you watched Shrek (1), do you remember this particular scene?

Shrek was having dinner by himself at his house. Donkey was locked outside, as it was the start of the show.

Shrek felt something was missing. He looked around, and then you can almost see the lightbulb form above his head.

He dug deep into his ear, and pulled out some gross stuff.

He set it into a candlestand, and lit it up. It burned merrily.

At this point of time, YOU COULD HEAR THE WHOLE CINEMA ECHO TOGETHER: "EAR WAX". Yours truly included. And with my description, you almost said Ear Wax too, didn't you?

Everyone thinks they are damn smart to catch it, but actually they are not damn smart because everyone already knows.

BUT, there is still this weird pleasure derived from thinking that you managed to catch a small detail.

Shrek 2 built on that pleasure a lot.

Lots and lots of spoofs, some tumbling over the other without letting you first take a breath. Princess Fiona donning on a hot fiery ring (top view), and then Shrek hanging upside down from above when Fiona kissed him (not with a wet tee, thank goodness) and it goes on and on.

It made me feel smart. It would make u too.

Antonio Banderas (is this how to spell his name?) did a fantastic job as well as pussy. His Spanish voice is just so darn sexy.

Watched Mean Girls as well.

Pretty good chick flick. The second lead actress is extremely beautiful - just as how we remembered her in The Hot Chick (one of my all-time favourites)

Want a full review? Get your copy of TODAY then. We Set You Thinking. ;)

And yes, anyone who wants to hire me or wants me to get hired by their company please email me? Pretty please?

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I was on the bus, on my way home.

Feeling very drained. It's late and after a day's work. The night's gloomy and dank.

Boarding 176, the two-tiered kinda bus, I sourced for a seat, but seemingly with no avail.

'What the fuck is wrong with these people,' I spoke in a whisper to myself. 'Is there a new disease that hits the ass of whoever moves to the inside of the seat?!'

Indeed, everyone was happily sitting on the aisle seat. Did anyone care that a stupid tired intern doesn't want to go pass their knees to get a decent seat? No, of course not.

I walked on. After all, it's a long journey till the end of the bus, and there must be hope�

AHA! A SEAT! Can you believe it?! This scrawny uncle was sitting on the� inside!!! I moved in thankfully.

Not wanting to disturb his serene demeanour (he had this I-am-going-to-achieve-nirvana-do-not-speak-one-word look), I sat with my knees facing out.

Just as I was about to sink into the comfort of my 80c ride, I heard a snigger.

And more sniggers. From the seat behind. High pitched ones.

WHO COULD IT BE SNIGGERING SO EVILLY!! Could it be� Dr Evil?

I wanted to turn around and poke the person which my Loreal mascara wand, but because of society's norms and freedom (no mental institute for me), I decided to let it go. Let it go, let it go.

And she sniggered again.

I listened hard. Oh oh!! She started to speak.

"Mommy mommy�" the sniggerer said in an amazingly auntie voice for someone who says 'mommy mommy'. "Look at her!" she said in Mandarin.

I imagine, if I had a face behind my head, her fat fingers must be pointing directly in between my eyes.

BITCH. What about me, speak!

And she did.

"She sitting with daddy," she chirped very matter-of-factly, as if her mother must be blind, her dad is has never sat with anyone else on the bus, and I chose, of all the NUMEROUS empty seats, to sit with her nirvana dad. Oh yeah little girl, I don't think I had a bloody choice! That was the only seat!

Dad did not stir.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a sinister finger advancing towards me!!!!!!

POKE!




Everyone on the bus gasped!! She reached for her father's shoulder, and in one poke of hers, broke the enlightenment he was trying to achieve.

"Yes?" the dad said gently, apparently in mock patience. I believe, he is deeply regretting having sex that fruitful 6 years or so ago. "WHY!!! WHY DID I EJACULATE!" he must be thinking.

For that shrieky voice is more than anyone can bear.

She poked him again. And again.

"She choose to sit with you leh Daddy!" she exclaimed, not unlike a 70s matchmaker woman.

"Hmmm..." said the ever-patient father.

She didn't let it go at that. She repeated herself around 2,383 times. I blushed. My hand reached into my bag for that mascara wand... No!! I told myself. She is but a young girl! I must, forgive!

The birth-giver spoke.

"Yeah lor, pretty girl sitting with daddy leh! This one is a mei nu you know?" (mei nu=beauty)

Ahhh, I smiled. This is better! ALTHOUGH! I didn't CHOOSE to sit beside scrawny uncle. There were no more seats!

Just as I was grinning in self-delight, the mother asked the little girl : "She pretty or not?"

I listened.

I listened hard.

No response. I can imagine her shaking her stupid head like it's really cute and everyone loves her.

SCREW YOU LA! I am a mei nu ok!! Maybe, just maybe, she didn't find the back of my head very captivating. If so, I forgive her young ignorance.

Like mother, like daughter. The mother is not as nice as I assumed!

"Pretty what," she said loudly enough for the bus to hear (and also confirming that the girl said I am not pretty). "I ask you ah girl, mummy pretty or she pretty?"

I vomited blood. Nirvana Uncle hid his face under this armpit.

"YOU PRETTIER!" came the swift reply.

(Author�s note: This part onwards is fiction)

I could STAND IT NO LONGER! I stood up, turned around, and got even more furious! For the mum is fugly!

I took out my light sabre!!!!



Swish swosh!!!!! I waved it around in a maniacal manner. SHE MADE ME ANGRY!!!

In one swift movement, I chopped down her silly head. Blood stained the Hello Kitty T-shirt she was wearing! YOU THINK YOU ARE CUTE? NOW YOU ARE BLOODY DEAD CUTE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The mum looked on in horror, while her husband, head still under armpit, was oblivious that my light sabre �

Let me reillustrate it�s powers


- got rid of a house pest for him! What is he doing hiding there? He should be thanking the lords that I chose to (wait, I didn't CHOOSE to) sit beside him on the fucking bus!

I laughed deeply as the bus of people all looked at my pink light sabre as if it must be the ultimate destructive weapon! They are right! It is capable of slaying a thousand dragons!

TV Mobile played Gotcha! for the millionth time, the wiping bird shit episode. I got so pissed with Rui En's face, I used the gentlest of pokes on the TV and it burst into magnificent flames.

THAT WILL TEACH TV MOBILE TO KEEP PLAYING GOTCHA!, the suckiest show on earth!

Back to the mother. She got so pissed scared, she just stood there trembling. THUS IS THE POWER OF THE PINK LIGHT SABRE!!!

I waved it around a bit and skillfully shaved her eyebrows off.

"Oh please!" she said, kneeling down. "Don�t kill me, mei nu!!"

"OH NOW YOU KNOW WHO's THE MEI NU huh??!" I shouted at her so thunderously, her hair blew backwards.

I told the bus driver to stop, and I used my sabre to crash open the fucking doors.

I threw the severed body out of the bus. For fun, I severed it even more first. She squirmed.

"That will teach you," I said vehemently. "To never allow your children to lie again."

I walked out of the bus like a real hero and took a second, less bloody 176 home.

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Quote Of The Day Week Year Infinite period of time:

Slam all you want. You will still be here tomorrow, reading my blog like it's the fucking bible.

~Diana Neo

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Pradhana Vizha and others

Hello everybody!

Oh this is shitty, I got absolutely nothing interesting to blog about! This is a very dangerous situation, because the last time this happened I decided to blog about how much I hate Michelle Saram, thus resulting in me having to do nauseating research on her.

How very unsettling on the stomach.

Meanwhile, just some normal mundune updates. Bear with the boring stuff first. If someone makes me angry (actually someone has, but she reads this blog and I am not one to shit where I eat), I would have more interesting posts. I think. Or maybe if I meet some new guy...

****

I covered Pradhana Vizha 2004 (Indian Star Awards). That alone is the toughest article I have ever encountered!

Sitting there like a dingbat for 2 and a half hours, I never wished I understood Tamil more in my life. More than I wanted to know how to speak Japanese so that I can sound like a porn star. More than I wanna know French so I can sound rich. I WANNA KNOW WHAT THE INDIANS ARE YAKKING ABOUT!

Something very cute I realised. Indians speak very fast because it seems to take a lot of syllabus to say a single word!

EG:

Some actor: Hahdsiuasyhdansdai dsaduasdsa daysdiuhasdihsadyasdiuyas ahsdiuasduhaiuhdsa, aywqeihdkacnaoduf9, asdhsade rieaduad, ahdausdsakncoeiure, a8ydasdjhndyafeflanc, asjdoijasdsakd;ld9saduadnc., adshiuhsadaksnd. Ushduhawdascc.

Me, to Indian colleague Rina: What did he just say?

Rina: He said he is very happy.

Mua ha ha ha ha ha! Either my observation is correct, or my colleague is patronising me.

Very coincidentally, I attended Pradhana Vizha 2003 as well.

AS A RITZ CARLTON WAITRESS.

This year, I get to sit down comfortably to watch the show - with a totally different status.

Alright this brings me to another topic.

Am I all high and mighty now that I'm working?

In the past, I hated teens who refuse to work as waiters/waitress just because they think they are better than that.

I'm not like that. Part-time job only what.

That day, Potty Py was telling me that Larry, an ex of mine, was scared he would see me at Ritz Carlton during his prom (we have some grievances).

My immediate response?

"Siao ah he. Ask him to flip open a copy of TODAY and wake up his idea. I don't have time to work at Ritz Carlton lor!"

OMG WHAT AN ARROGANT BITCH I AM!!! *slaps self* I shall learn to eat some humble pie. I am only an intern, not a real journalist!!!!

However, I really don't think I would work for Tiger or Ritz anymore. It can't be blamed right? What if I see my boss/newsmaker/colleagues there? It would be... a bit paiseh.

Oh yeah I got something else to bitch about.

*****

FUCK ALL THE PEOPLE WHO SAID "SHE IS JUST AN INTERN"!!!

Yes, I am just an intern.

Haven't YOU been an intern before? What makes you think this intern would not be your boss in future?

WAKE UP YOUR IDEA!

It was an intern who fucked the president of the United States!


Actually that is nothing to be proud of, but thats not the point! The point is, WAIT TILL YOU TASTE THE POWER OF THE INTERN!!! I am a super-intern! Yaaay!!

My subeditor (photo deleted because he says he looks like a greaseball in it) says that he hereby promotes me as Executive Associate Senior Chief Intern.

*gives a ya-ya look*



My 'desk'. Ain't it so lovely?

*****

Back to Pradhana! My god what a big digression.

Shianux said that I would never understand how it feels like to be part of a minority race, because in Singapore the Chinese have the biggest population.





I understand now.

*****

Kumar and me!!!



He looked extremely tall beside me so I tried to pull myself up, thus smudging the background in the process.

*****

Some pictures of myself...





I think that the second photo looks weird. But in any case, isn't my photoshop skills damn good!!? I think it may not be that good a thing. The more my skills improve, the less the pictures looks like me. =P

*****



Went out with Ghimz, EK, PY and XF. Very happy. I miss them so much.

*****

On a last note:



Isn't this the most hideous thing you have ever seen?!

MY EYES!!! URGGGH!

I don't understand why anyone would make their mercs a pistachio green colour. Don't they get it? *snaps fingers twice* Hello? Green not good with mercs! Mercs, don't go with GREEN!! Which part of that is difficult to understand?!

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I saw a shooting star last night! =D Happy!!

Going to Pradhana Vizha (Indian Star Awards) now. I feel pretty traumatized.

1) I don't know the language and although I'm going with an Indian colleague I feel uncertain that I can churn out a satisfactory article. *determined look* I'm sure I can do it if I try.

2) I'm pretty sure a certain virginal Indian with rebonded hair and an ugly tattoo will be there, considering the size of the Indian entertainment community in Singapore.

Thankfully, it's this year's Miss Vasantham Shobana (and not the third runner up mua ha ha ha ha) who will be hosting. Can you imagine if she is hosting, she will say something like this?

"OMG! is the hole in the ozone jaz above my head??!!!
wtf! its so friggin hot, till i almost melted!
im sweatin like a pig, hmmm actually do pigs sweat? dunno neva lived wif them.. hohoho
anywayz yeah like j lo has a sweat perfume i wonder how my bottled liquid from my pores will sell?! *yucks* gross... *gags*

Gross indeed. That coming from the winner of MyDreamD8. Such atrocious writing, the hairs on my arms all stood up and ran away. A good thing too, considering that I don't need to epilate for a long time.

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My RSI interviews some time ago:

Wanna hear them? I was on MediaCorp Radio Capital 95.8FM!

Here:

http://www.rsi.com.sg/chinese/youth/view/20040316173600/1/gb/.html


http://www.rsi.com.sg/chinese/youth/view/20040323135400/1/gb/.html

It's broadcast on two different days thus the two links. It's in Chinese though. If your browser can't view Chinese, simply click on the headphones icon. =D

The interview is conducted in chinese as well. I told you I am effectively bilingual.

BTW: Someone told me he is surprised my voice is not the sweet high-pitched kind. What?! Do I look like a shu nu to you?!

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