It's 4.06am, and I need a boyfriend. =(

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I have a confession to make.

I met this guy at a party last Saturday.

He is smart, he is not-bad looking, and he is obsessed with me.

I kinda like him too.

The only problem is... He is 42 - and fucking rich (not that that is a problem). He has this yacht which costs $2.2 million, and his bungalow at Sixth Ave is four storeys high.

In his Jag, I told him it is impossible this relationship works out. He is as old as my father!

He pressed a wad of $100 bills into my hands, looked deep into my eyes, and said that he would do anything to be together with me. He wants me to be happy.

I relented. I am so ashamed of myself. We had sex. And it was good.

He said he would give me time to think. The next day, he presented me with a cyan box. THAT TRADEMARK CYAN BOX that every woman wants.

Look what he bought me! It is just so beautiful....











JUST KIDDING!

Did you, for a moment thought the bracelet was REAL??? Like, true blue Tiffany & Co??
Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Fooled you didn't I??!

I'm a cheapo la! I bought the bracelet at an, ahem, pasar malam store today at a freaking low price of $14.50. Well at least it was SUPPOSED to be $14.50. At such a horrendous price, I still managed to lower it to $12!!! Can you believe it??! So cheap.

Isn't it so nice?!

Hey if you see me on the streets, don't go tell your friend that my bracelet is fake ok? *winks*

Hiyah I know you will anyway. Go ahead. At least I am honest. For half a blog entry. =D

On a side note, has anyone noticed that the MSN photos are very funny?

Besides the ostrich, I think this one looks damn funny too!



Ha ha! Look at his yellow eyes (one big one small) and refined cheekbones! Where got skull blue colour one??! And if you squint a little, you will even notice that he has a... RIDICULOUS GREEN TONGUE!!! =D

Xiaxue, out. (speaking of Idol, I think Fantasia looks... really ugly. So does the other girl anyway, so I shall shut up.)

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I have been getting a lot of emails like this:

Xiaxue xiaxue! Your hair is nice, how did you do it? Teach me how to make it all curly wurly!!

How do I do it indeed. Whenever I receive mails like this, I feel like asking the girls to go read the archives and quit bothering me (I mentioned how I curl them before) but I realised that MY FUCKING PHOTOS ARE ALL DELETED BY BLOODY IMAGESTATION so I have to explain myself all over.

Which is pissing because it is not text-explainable.

So I always ignore these emails.

Speaking of ignoring emails, that day I was about to click this mail away (being the big bad bitch I am) but the final sentence said something like this: "Xiaxue ____(insert praise) and Posh can go to hell!"

Now that's one SMART blogder reader. I replied immediately to that mail with renewed relish.

Here's one email I received:

hello. i emailed you once before regarding uh, hair curls. i finally figured out how to use a hair curler, but my hair ends up looking like dried grass, plus it doesn't hold. i was wondering if you could recommend a good brand of
hairspray? i don't know anyone that uses a hair curler, so i'm asking you since you seem to have curly hair on some days and straight on others. help!

uh, and don't copy and paste my email onto your blog can? im very scared. i just want to have curly hair thats all, i don't want to be embarrassed.

thank you=)

Ok.









MUA HA HA HHA HA HA HA HA HHA HA HA HA HHA HA HA HA HA HHA HA HA HHA HA HA HHA HA HA HA HA!!! This email is so fucking funny!!! Why on earth would I publish that email and try to embarrass a good-natured blog reader?? I am not THAT evil lor! (Yes I just contradicted myself, shut up)

I copied this out anonymously, so I don't think its mean right?

I'm still laughing. Ha ha. Scared of good old me.

In any case, I shall be mean no longer and share with you girls how I manage to get such beautiful curls!

You are so gonna LOOOVE me. It works wonders!

Pre-requisite: Your hair must not be too limp or smooth, or it wouldn't work.

Shock factor for you if you have not been reading my blog since it's humble beginnings: MY HAIR IS REBONDED.

Here goes:

1) Wash hair. Wait for it to thoroughly dry, then separate it into half as shown.

2) Twirl hair and twist it into a bun. Circling the ends around the bun, put a scrunchie over it.

Like this:


And yes, your scrunchies do not need to be of matching colours.

3) Sleep with the buns. It may feel a tad uncomfortable, but you will get used to it.

4) Apply olive oil on hair to make it shine!

*****

The end results

Let me prance around showing how nice my hair is!!

(Note: The photos are VERY photoshopped! Shuyin, after seeing the original photos, said that I qi pian quan shi jie (lied to the whole world) ha ha.)



I look like a slut.







Tadah!!!

Great hair - all yours, courtesy of Xiaxue.

Tell me if it works.


*****

"Xiaxue xiaxue, your PSLE is so high! How did you do it?"

I slept with my teacher. Kidding. Pure intelligence.

"Who cares about PSLE??!"

Can YOU get four A*??! Huh? Eh eh? Can you?

*****

"Oh fuck. Twice a day. He is coming over again. I have the worst job in the world!" lamented the toothbrush.

"Shut up," said the toilet paper.

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I told you my photoshop is good, I didn't say how good.

Let's look at one of the most awful photos I ever took.

Photographer: EK Wong (The initals to sound cool)

Location: Ghim Hui's house

Camera: Kodak non-professional 2.0 megapixel

Lighting: Sunshine + flash

Make-up/hair: Wendy C.

Clothes: Models' own.

Erm, Models: Feng (it's Xiao Feng but an asian sounding model name sounds modelish), Wendy C. (it's Wendy Cheng but C. sounds like I am Eurasian - Wendy Charlize or something)


Here is how Feng and Wendy C looks like:

Very normal-looking girls.

Now, before you say,"OK WHAT..", let me tell you that Wendy C.'s face has already been photoshopped, although to a minimum. That is because she has an amazingly big nose and a big pimple under that amazingly big nose at the point of time the photo was taken.

In fact, she airbrushed half of that pimple away so you can still see a little bit of it.

The picture is made smaller so that you would not have nightmares too.

Feng looks fine though - she is naturally beautiful.










Now the target: Let's make the models look like they are, say, Oil of Olay Models. Is that possible?










Ah. I see your skeptical look.












Gimme some time, will ya?





























The stupid tag is in the middle coz I have this feeling some people might use the picture for friendster user pics or something. Do it! Crop us! XF (aka you!) will have no neck!




What do you think? Let's add some text.














Ha ha ha ha I am damn bo liao.

Click here to see the original picture.

I am damn good at photoshop. Got more blogs coming along tonight for you, check back again!

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Are you lucky cretins or what??! Double post today! Read till you shiok shiok sia!

Here are some photos. *smiles*

*****

Went to my school's post internship seminar.

Having strategically placed our internship at the end of our graduating term, our school hopes to see the students being employed after the attachment. (Quit asking, TODAY is not hiring. Either that or I smell a 'degree' problem.)

Anyways, it also means that the seminar will be the absolute last time I see my lecturers and schoolmates all in a lecture hall with me.

Three years of the same faces. I know by heart almost everyone's back view (I sit near the top row), and I feel a sharp pain knowing that I will never see that sight again.

My classmates. Without school as an inescapable reason, it is near impossible to get everyone to put in effort to meet up (huh don't want la, so far, etc) again.

I miss River Valley. Now I have to miss SP too. And very soon afterwards, I will miss TODAY. I hate it!! It's the big bad world after this!! Will you guys still be here with me through the journey?

I shall stop indulging in self-pity.

=(

My law lecturer.



Isn't she so cute!! I already say I dig lawyers, ha ha. In any case, I asked her who the copyrights of this particular picture belongs to, and she said the commissioner of the photo = me. Ha ha!! You can't stop me from putting it up, Miss Peter!!

If you REALLY want it off, email me.



This view is so familiar to me. For a good year, these two lovebirds have been sitting beside me. Now I will never see them in the bloody lecture hall again!! Oh boohoohoo~!

And don't you think that Shuyin's bracelet looks like the Reversi/Othello(can't spell) checkers??! HA HA HA HA HA!!

(Just in case you are asking, Idris' name IS purposedly placed on top of his messy hair. In my very artistic opinion, it looks like "Idris" is happily nesting. Which looks artistic.)



I love this photo!!! Although Shuyin's nostrils look a tad too big (I already tried to photoshop them smaller), I think we look extremely happy. Or at least I do. Shuyin looks astonished-happy.



Scrolling down, who is Diana Neo who said that quote, you ask? She is above - my fellow coursemate and intern at Today. I miss her and Miki already!

I saw a Mudd today who traumatized me.



Wah lau. I have that Gucci bag in black!! Why must he carry it!! Young punks have no business with classy bags!! It's NOT their correct image! Now that bag has absolutely no class and I am going to burn it.

BRB.

*****

back.

Girls, don't say I don't tell you good bargains.

Went to six at City Link Mall today, and I found super cheap necklaces!!



I know it can't be seen properly BUT it's this plain diamante choker, which is quite nice.

Make a guess.

THREE BUCKS. Go get it! There are some left.

And I don't know if you noticed. If you haven't, look at the photo again!! I discovered some new trick in Photoshop that can make you look like a face mask model. Mua ha ha ha ha!

*****

I bought an anklet as well ($12.50)!! MY goodness it's so nice I can't stop looking at my feet and I knocked into walls thrice today. My forehead is bleeding, but who cares, I have a nice anklet!



Awwwww.... Isn't it so pretty?? oh yes baby you are so pretty and glittery baby...

One more.



Oh will you just look at that sparkle!!!

The anklet is so nice, that I am worried. I am worried that no one ever looks at my face anymore! Or boobs for that matter!

They see me, and then they go like, "FUCK, THAT'S THE NICEST FUCKING ANKLET I HAVE EVER FUCKING SEEN!!!"

And then they get orgasms looking at my anklet, and then they all bug me... "WHERE DID YOU BUY THAT GORGEOUS BABY?!" they ask in great urgency. "I WANT IT TOO!"

"Oh no you don't," I would smirk. "I only tell my blog readers!"

At this point of time, they would have salivated so much, that the anklet is wet.

My gosh, do I have the nicest anklet on Earth or what? Who cares if my ankles are thick and fat? No one even looks at them.

My anklet rules. It rules so much, that I have decided to celebrate it's ONE DAY BIRTHDAY but decorate its home (which is my feet) with flowers.



Happy Birthday, my dear anklet!

(should you ever come to my place, may I gently remind you not to touch those purple flowers.)

*****

Been getting lots of interesting assignments recently. I love my Andrew Seow article!

Click here to view it.

That guy is so f-funny!! I think he should be a comedian, seriously.

Can you imagine, the first thing he come in, he say, "I take photo very ugly leh, how ah?"

"Eh eh," he nudged. "Can draw caricature instead or not."

If you don't find that funny, think of how Andrew Seow's big head caricature will look like. -_- Where got celebrity want to be drawn like Neil Humphreys (Today's own famous humour columnist)??!

Speaking of Neil (what, my colleague what, cannot call him Neil meh. Ah ah! It's Mr Humphreys to you!), he graced the side of my desk today, no doubt increasing the price of that particular desk three-fold.

When he walked pass (to the pantry), he honoured the dustbin at the side of my table by throwing something in it.

*SMASH!!!* went the garbage.

MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! HOW COME HIS GARBAGE IS SO BLOODY LOUD?!

I thought. I pondered. I wondered aloud. I was confused. I was lost. AND THEN I REALIZED!!!!

It is because he is damn tall that's why it traveled a long way to the bin and thus it is so bloody loud.

I am terribly pleased with my intelligence.

BACK TO ANDREW:

Damn cock lor. He keep gushing about Jacelyn Tay too. Doh!!!

I like him. I think he's better than Jack Neo any day.

"Imagine ah, all the apples on the trees right, and then Jacelyn is one of the apples there. She will be this Jacelyn-quality apple! If I ask you to choose one of the apples, then of course you will choose the Jacelyn-quality apple right?!" ~Andrew Seow

Seow is siao!! Ha ha ha.

*****

Watched Shrek 2. It is funny. Not really as funny as the first, but lots more details.

If you watched Shrek (1), do you remember this particular scene?

Shrek was having dinner by himself at his house. Donkey was locked outside, as it was the start of the show.

Shrek felt something was missing. He looked around, and then you can almost see the lightbulb form above his head.

He dug deep into his ear, and pulled out some gross stuff.

He set it into a candlestand, and lit it up. It burned merrily.

At this point of time, YOU COULD HEAR THE WHOLE CINEMA ECHO TOGETHER: "EAR WAX". Yours truly included. And with my description, you almost said Ear Wax too, didn't you?

Everyone thinks they are damn smart to catch it, but actually they are not damn smart because everyone already knows.

BUT, there is still this weird pleasure derived from thinking that you managed to catch a small detail.

Shrek 2 built on that pleasure a lot.

Lots and lots of spoofs, some tumbling over the other without letting you first take a breath. Princess Fiona donning on a hot fiery ring (top view), and then Shrek hanging upside down from above when Fiona kissed him (not with a wet tee, thank goodness) and it goes on and on.

It made me feel smart. It would make u too.

Antonio Banderas (is this how to spell his name?) did a fantastic job as well as pussy. His Spanish voice is just so darn sexy.

Watched Mean Girls as well.

Pretty good chick flick. The second lead actress is extremely beautiful - just as how we remembered her in The Hot Chick (one of my all-time favourites)

Want a full review? Get your copy of TODAY then. We Set You Thinking. ;)

And yes, anyone who wants to hire me or wants me to get hired by their company please email me? Pretty please?

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I was on the bus, on my way home.

Feeling very drained. It's late and after a day's work. The night's gloomy and dank.

Boarding 176, the two-tiered kinda bus, I sourced for a seat, but seemingly with no avail.

'What the fuck is wrong with these people,' I spoke in a whisper to myself. 'Is there a new disease that hits the ass of whoever moves to the inside of the seat?!'

Indeed, everyone was happily sitting on the aisle seat. Did anyone care that a stupid tired intern doesn't want to go pass their knees to get a decent seat? No, of course not.

I walked on. After all, it's a long journey till the end of the bus, and there must be hope�

AHA! A SEAT! Can you believe it?! This scrawny uncle was sitting on the� inside!!! I moved in thankfully.

Not wanting to disturb his serene demeanour (he had this I-am-going-to-achieve-nirvana-do-not-speak-one-word look), I sat with my knees facing out.

Just as I was about to sink into the comfort of my 80c ride, I heard a snigger.

And more sniggers. From the seat behind. High pitched ones.

WHO COULD IT BE SNIGGERING SO EVILLY!! Could it be� Dr Evil?

I wanted to turn around and poke the person which my Loreal mascara wand, but because of society's norms and freedom (no mental institute for me), I decided to let it go. Let it go, let it go.

And she sniggered again.

I listened hard. Oh oh!! She started to speak.

"Mommy mommy�" the sniggerer said in an amazingly auntie voice for someone who says 'mommy mommy'. "Look at her!" she said in Mandarin.

I imagine, if I had a face behind my head, her fat fingers must be pointing directly in between my eyes.

BITCH. What about me, speak!

And she did.

"She sitting with daddy," she chirped very matter-of-factly, as if her mother must be blind, her dad is has never sat with anyone else on the bus, and I chose, of all the NUMEROUS empty seats, to sit with her nirvana dad. Oh yeah little girl, I don't think I had a bloody choice! That was the only seat!

Dad did not stir.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a sinister finger advancing towards me!!!!!!

POKE!




Everyone on the bus gasped!! She reached for her father's shoulder, and in one poke of hers, broke the enlightenment he was trying to achieve.

"Yes?" the dad said gently, apparently in mock patience. I believe, he is deeply regretting having sex that fruitful 6 years or so ago. "WHY!!! WHY DID I EJACULATE!" he must be thinking.

For that shrieky voice is more than anyone can bear.

She poked him again. And again.

"She choose to sit with you leh Daddy!" she exclaimed, not unlike a 70s matchmaker woman.

"Hmmm..." said the ever-patient father.

She didn't let it go at that. She repeated herself around 2,383 times. I blushed. My hand reached into my bag for that mascara wand... No!! I told myself. She is but a young girl! I must, forgive!

The birth-giver spoke.

"Yeah lor, pretty girl sitting with daddy leh! This one is a mei nu you know?" (mei nu=beauty)

Ahhh, I smiled. This is better! ALTHOUGH! I didn't CHOOSE to sit beside scrawny uncle. There were no more seats!

Just as I was grinning in self-delight, the mother asked the little girl : "She pretty or not?"

I listened.

I listened hard.

No response. I can imagine her shaking her stupid head like it's really cute and everyone loves her.

SCREW YOU LA! I am a mei nu ok!! Maybe, just maybe, she didn't find the back of my head very captivating. If so, I forgive her young ignorance.

Like mother, like daughter. The mother is not as nice as I assumed!

"Pretty what," she said loudly enough for the bus to hear (and also confirming that the girl said I am not pretty). "I ask you ah girl, mummy pretty or she pretty?"

I vomited blood. Nirvana Uncle hid his face under this armpit.

"YOU PRETTIER!" came the swift reply.

(Author�s note: This part onwards is fiction)

I could STAND IT NO LONGER! I stood up, turned around, and got even more furious! For the mum is fugly!

I took out my light sabre!!!!



Swish swosh!!!!! I waved it around in a maniacal manner. SHE MADE ME ANGRY!!!

In one swift movement, I chopped down her silly head. Blood stained the Hello Kitty T-shirt she was wearing! YOU THINK YOU ARE CUTE? NOW YOU ARE BLOODY DEAD CUTE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The mum looked on in horror, while her husband, head still under armpit, was oblivious that my light sabre �

Let me reillustrate it�s powers


- got rid of a house pest for him! What is he doing hiding there? He should be thanking the lords that I chose to (wait, I didn't CHOOSE to) sit beside him on the fucking bus!

I laughed deeply as the bus of people all looked at my pink light sabre as if it must be the ultimate destructive weapon! They are right! It is capable of slaying a thousand dragons!

TV Mobile played Gotcha! for the millionth time, the wiping bird shit episode. I got so pissed with Rui En's face, I used the gentlest of pokes on the TV and it burst into magnificent flames.

THAT WILL TEACH TV MOBILE TO KEEP PLAYING GOTCHA!, the suckiest show on earth!

Back to the mother. She got so pissed scared, she just stood there trembling. THUS IS THE POWER OF THE PINK LIGHT SABRE!!!

I waved it around a bit and skillfully shaved her eyebrows off.

"Oh please!" she said, kneeling down. "Don�t kill me, mei nu!!"

"OH NOW YOU KNOW WHO's THE MEI NU huh??!" I shouted at her so thunderously, her hair blew backwards.

I told the bus driver to stop, and I used my sabre to crash open the fucking doors.

I threw the severed body out of the bus. For fun, I severed it even more first. She squirmed.

"That will teach you," I said vehemently. "To never allow your children to lie again."

I walked out of the bus like a real hero and took a second, less bloody 176 home.

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Quote Of The Day Week Year Infinite period of time:

Slam all you want. You will still be here tomorrow, reading my blog like it's the fucking bible.

~Diana Neo

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