I am Syphilis

Hi everyone.

Please do not laugh at me, I am a delicate stuff toy. My name is Syphilis.

I said do not laugh anymore.

I was bought from a toy store called Mini Toons at the very irritating second floor of Cineleisure.

Digressing a little, I would like to comment that Cineleisure has the most irritating escalator system EVER because you have to walk one big round (around 2.4 km) to get the to upriding escalator to go to the third floor. And then you reach the escalator, you will even have to say a secret password which changes every five seconds to go up, so there�s no point.

In fact, the 2.4km could be reduced a little if you can go through that caf� or cut through Pasta Mania � BUT NO! They want you to walk your life out!

Pasta Mania people say they don�t want passers-by disturb their clients� pasta meals, but that�s absolute bullocks because even the customers are not allowed to pass through the holy gates.

So anyway, I was the last of my type of stuff toys (we are called Baby Cinnamons[seriously]) with a pink ribbon being sold when Xiaxue the bitch walked in.

She looked at me, and said, �Wow, you are darn cute!�

With that, she poked me around a little, and bought me for $12.50. Or around that price.

After looking at these two guys at the press conference she attended, I was bought home.

And I was introduced to Herpes � Xiaxue�s pink nodding toy.

�Say hi to Herpes,� she said to me, while I tried in vain to get away from the infected creature. I forgot I�m a stuff toy and I can�t move.

Herpes continued to nod its round pink head.

�I decided I shall name all my toys STDs,� Xiaxue announced to me cheerfully, as if it�s perfectly usual, giving obscene names to stuff toys.

Come to think of it, Syphilis is really a nice name. I think that if it doesn�t not really give the image that it means the penis swell up and spurt yellow pus, people might actually forgive the fact that it�s a STD and call their daughter Syphilis.

So anyway, she was prancing away in a nice dress that she bought.



$52 at this place outside Mango in Wisma, called Sugarlink. Can you believe the dress was an L? It was altered, Free-of-charge, to Xiaxue�s custom size. How cool is that?

Let me introduce you to this skirt she bought as well:



Not bad ah? I think I look pretty in this picture hor? Don�t look too fat right? Damn, I got fucking fat cheeks I tell you.

Oh yeah the skirt. $15 at Heeren!

She also bought this sparkly necklace.



And new shoes.



Xiaxue told me, �To be my stuff toy, Syphilis, you must first understand that I am a blogger.

�I want my stuff toys to learn how to blog as well. Else, you fail me.�

She unnecessarily mentioned something about not washing me ever again if my blog entry does not make the web counter break its HALF A MILLION mark. Duh.

Anyway, I�m tired and I would to sleep. What, did you think blogging stuff toys do not need rest?

Good night. I hope I did well, otherwise no bathing for me � EVER!

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Foie Gras and other delicacies

Photolog!!!

I've been really busy recently, so I apologize for the lack of blogs these few days.

While I am writing up a more standard blog entry, here's a photolog for you guys!!!

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One fine sunny day, a certain Miss Eileen Tan had a sudden urge for foie Gras.

In fact, every other sunny day, she has carnal urges for foie gras - which for the less than French/knowledgeable/upper class, it actually a piece of fat goose liver.

What good is a piece of fat goose liver, you ask curiously. What about it makes Miss Tan crave for it so much? Why couldn�t she make do with just a limpy piece of chicken liver instead?

And why must the goose be fat? Does the world REALLY have something against fat people/gooses?

Ahh � If you ever get urself an authentic piece of pan-fried goose liver (I had my virgin piece at 15. Before you think I slept with someone rich, I would like to say that I stole it when I was working at a fancy French restaurant) for perhaps � $20? you would understand.

Smooth, and nothing like cheap pork liver (which has this bloody, sandy, liver taste), pan fried foie gras (pronounced fu-ah gu-ah [with a French accent mind you], according the French chef at the said restaurant I worked as) melts in your mouth as you achieve five orgasms in a row.

BONUS!!! *ting ting ting!* If it�s cooked by cute chef, you get seven orgasms.

Alas! With the good comes the bad. Quality foie gras is made only when a most unfortunate goose is stuffed with lots of goose food to make it really fat so that it�s liver is really fat. I heard that foie gras gooses are being treated really cruelly � I think they get raped by ugly geese (at this point of time I realized that plural of goose is geese), and then have their feathers plucked and stuffed into their nostrils or something like that, but my memory is a little faded, so don�t trust me.

But anyway they are really poor things, the foie gras geese.

OH I SHOULDN�T EAT THEM, IT�s so CRUEL!

Who cares? Who ask them to be delicious. If they don�t want to be eaten, then stop being delicious, or learn to peck violently lor. (�If God doesn�t want animals to be eaten, then why did he make them out of meat?� � anonymous)

So anyway, here�s how a piece of goose liver looks like:



It looks pretty much like a normal piece of liver, except fat. In fact, I think my secondary school�s P.E teacher might have shoved the liver into the TAF club if it managed to get into RV with an amazing PSLE score like me (269!).

So anyway, may I bring your attention to that quiet piece of potato thingy behind the plate?

It�s really nice. And parsley sucks. It�s the worst food in the world.

Who�s the chef who galvanized the extra two orgasms?



May I present to you, celebrity chef Emmanuel Stroobant!!! All the way from Belgium!
(ME: �Can you sign my cr�me brulee please?� Stroo: *Nervous laughter*)

Is he cute, or is Edison Chen cute? (Yes yes yes, I�m hinting that I just saw him today � was sitting a metre away and looking like he wants to screw Maggie Q. Everybody looks like they want to screw Maggie Q. More about stars later)

Eileen pulled her childhood best friend Xiuling and me to St Pierre!! (Expensive French restaurant at Century Square area)



(Me: �OEI EILEEN YOUR CIGARETTE!!!� Eileen: �Oh ok ok, pose again.�)

Erm, that�s not a cigarette, kids. Don�t smoke. You will burn urself up accidentally � although that�s possibly all for the better.



CHEERS!!!!





HERE�S THE FOOD!!!



Complimentary piece of eel � not too good, it has bit of bones in it. I think people should genetically modify fishes so that they have no bones.

Seriously. If you were a fish, would you be so inconsiderate as to have bones? I mean, what if people choke?

Come to think of it, prawns should be modified till they have no shells as well. Discourteous and insensitive prawns � causing all those human arguments about prawn peeling. Have they no manners?

I have no idea how prawns can survive with no shells but I say they should stop being sissy and give it a try. I�m sure they will manage to work it out.



ONE WHOLE BIG LUMP of silky codfish! My favourite fish! Has anyone any idea how they look like alive? How can a fish be so delicious?!!



Xiuling biting on some golden mushrooms while I sink my teeth into a piece of under-cooked asparagus.



I�m sure you can�t get enough of my pictures so here�s one to interrupt the string of photos of food.



A piece of Grandma Stroobant FLOURLESS chocolate cake. How the hell do they make cake flourless??! See, if cakes can be flourless, prawns can be shell-less! It�s not far-fetched at all!

And lastly, to end the blog entry on a sweet note, here�s cr�me brulee:



In case you are wondering that the hell is that pink-green weird-looking thing on the brulee, it�s a freaking fig.

I�m full of useless information. I happen to know that figs are Sun Wukong�s favourite food (curse the person who told me this and made me never forget, thus taking up my brain�s memory space).

Now, I have another piece of useless information.

He is a monkey, so do not trust his taste. The fig tasted like shit.

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I know some of you have been disappointed these few days...

Good news: Blogging in progress.

Check back in say... two hours? If you are not asleep yet. =) I shall go bathe first - and that usually takes like 1 hour anyway. Shall blog when I am spanking clean.

Love,
Xiaxue

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Pictures only...

I'm like freaking tired after shopping with Eileen (followed by Marche!), so I think I shall not blog.

Instead, I have some pictures that I did edited... Bah.

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MSN chat with Shuyin

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Hello, Blogger's partner who is kindly hosting the pictures, does not seem to be working very well... Its bot went offline!!!



But look! The program allows "falling" smileys!! Darn cute! And you can actually flood them like Shuyin did!

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Why my job rules.

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June's birthday, we took neoprints!!!




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I cannot stand stupid people. I cannot stand stupid people who are politically correct even more.

Common stupid person 1:
"Oh Xiaxue, you are so MEAN to critisize Sandy Chua!!! You are a meanie!"

First off, before you open your big fat mouth, READ carefully. I did not critisize her. I critisized HER PICTURE. I said, that's a awful PICTURE! Should I repeat that one last time for stupid people?

Sandy Chua has a bad PICTURE - she is not ugly!

I win.

Common stupid person 2:
"Would you like others to do it to you too? Think about her feelings!!"

I did not enter a fucking BEAUTY contest, which if I did, would symbolise that I think I look good. If I think I look good, you can argue with me and say that I don't look good. However, since I have never said I look good (the profile About Me part is a JOKE), I don't think I deserve being called names for my looks since there is nothing to argue for. Thus, "others" doing it to me instead of Chua would be less justified.

But in any case, I will accept constructive criticism anyway. If Sandy wants to photoshop my ugly photos, I will readily listen to her tick away about what went wrong.

To add, since Chua entered a fucking beauty contest, she must be prepared to be critisized. Else, go live a normal, non beauty-contestant life like everyone else.

I win.

Common stupid person 3:
"You think you damn pretty meh? You so pretty, you go join la! If you not pretty, then what rights do you have to critisize her?"

This one is the dumbest of all. It is basically saying, if you are fat, you are not allowed to say another person is fat.

WHICH IS BULLSHIT.

Even if I am fat, I have all rights to say another is fat because being fat does not affect my correct judgement of what is fat.

*snaps fingers* HELLO?? NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE!

Giving dumb people an analogy:

If only pretty people are supposed to judge that others' looks, then the judges for Miss Universe can only be judged by previous Miss Universe winners. WHICH, may sound like an actuall feasible idea - until you realise that no one will judge the first Miss Universe pageant. Duh.

But then again, I do agree. Imagine this fat guy telling another fat guy that he's fat. Pretty stupid right?

But now, imagine this: A fat guy joins a Slim&Fit contest. Now, can the other fat guy say "Siao, he so fat, he join this sort of contest for what?!"

You get me don't you?

Cheers, I win.

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Since we are on the topic of fat - I think no one should be fat in the cyberworld. Lookie what photoshop did for Miss Malaysia:





It could go supermodel thin but I left her some baby fats...

HUH? Did I hear something about not trusting slimming ads?

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Oh yeah. You possibly should read these two as well!!

My photo byline looks like a lao ti ko.

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Some Song Lyrics...

I know I said that song lyrics on blogs suck, but here's one song that touched me so much, I must share it...

BAI LIU LI BAI!!!!



HUI BU HUI KAI!!!!


[Quick tempo X 2]
Bai liu li bai hui bu hui kai

Bai liu li bai hui bu hui kai

~To be continued till MRT comes

That song is so fucking traumatizing, that I wished Jack Neo chokes to death on a nail clipper.

That song is so fucking traumatizing, it gets into your head subconsciously, and then you wash the dishes, and then you hum to yourself...

BAI LIU LI BAI!!!!



HUI BU HUI KAI!!!!


[Quick tempo X 2]
Bai liu li bai hui bu hui kai

Bai liu li bai hui bu hui kai


and then you go like, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I SINGING!?" and then you have to slap yourself awake, thus breaking your neck in the process and there! you have an excuse to go to the hospital on a cab so u can't hear the song at the train station.

That song is so fucking traumatizing, this Malay auntie standing behind me on the escalator down started to sing it to her friend (in immaculate Mandarin mind you), and her friend ran down the escalator in fright.

I fainted and rolled down as well.

(For non-Singaporeans, I'm sorry, but there is no way I can explain how traumatized Public-transport-taking locals are with the song without u hearing it first.)

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Miss Singapore Universe

Since my previous post was such an enjoyment (as judged by only myself), I shall put up another post about Miss Singapore Universe 2004, Miss Sandy Chua.

I know the topic's outdated, but let's just talk about it one last time.

Okie, now, we all know that Miss Chua has utmost injustice done to her, because even though she is pretty ordinary-looking, my guess is that no one would say she is... ugly.

But looking at this photo, only that terrible F-word could come to mind:


Fugly.

My point is, she had a very badly taken photo, yes?

Of course.

Let's discuss (and when I say discuss I mean I talk among myself) what's so wrong about the picture.

1)Starting from top, Eyebrows extremely obviously one thick one thin.

2)Speaking of brows, they are too arched as well, giving the evil "vixen, come fuck me" look.

3) Colour on forehead not smooth - has a two bloody obvious pimples.

4) Eye make up is really bad - Dark shadow only on edge of eyes, giving slutty look. Artist tried to create a deeper shading beside the nose bridge but failed miserably

5) EYEBAGS! Why, can't Trump even afford concealer? Or do I detect RACISM? I don't see Australia with eyebags!

6) No eyelashes! I heard the two-sided Loreal one works, Sandy!

7) AND WHAT'S WITH THE STUPID COLOUR CONTACTS?!

8)I don't see blusher, do you?

9) Nose too big!

10) Lips too thick. And too red (look more like slut), and teeth are too big.




Alright, pretty long list, but we are done.

If only Sandy had brought me along with her on that Equador trip! A little bit of photoshop could really save her life!! I'd bet, that some good photoshop can take away all those blemishes.

You think?

Let me try to work some magic...


































There you go, the revamped Sandy Chua:



Tried to make the colours nicer, and take away all the ugly stuff. While we are at that, I made her hair nicer too!

Side by side comparison:



What do you think?

Anyone need photoshopping? I charge a mimimal fee! And I wouldn't post ur photo on my blog, I swear!

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MY GOODNESS!

This is so mean!!!

Lookie what I found on the web!! Who could have done this!!!

*winks* (Thanks Ling [blogder])

Oh no... It couldn't be Posh la... The face so blur, don't think it's her right?

But the boobs seem not bad la, hor?

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