I WANT!

NDP tickets!! Is anyone kind enough to pass me some?! XIE XIE XIE XIE!

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Mail from a foreigner in Singapore

Dear Wendy,

I had great respect for you. Your hilarious blog entries never fail to leave me in stitches - until I saw your Singapore entry. I'm not a "kantang" as you put it. I'm not even Singaporean. I'm not even Asian. I'm a New Yorker. A 16 year old teen who was forced to live on this little island with my father.

I grew up in Manhattan. And in case you're wondering, I have done Marijuana. And pot. And I regret that. Drugs are baned effectively here, somethingwhich I support. BUT, in terms of culture and lifestyle, Singapore is boring and restrictive. Back in nyc, almost once a week, you can see groups of people marching down 32nd street waving banners proclaiming their supportfor Aids funding or shouting out their views about the cuban missle crisis. Here, it's so quiet.

The first day I arrived here and chewed gum I got stopped by the police. I knew such a law existed, but I wanted to find out just how keen eyed the yare to spot people chewing gum. I wasn't fined (thank god for that) but Iwas ordered to throw it away anyway.

Maybe you are not widely travelled, I don't know. But I suggest you drop by nyc, when you can. THAT will open your eyes to what sort of place singaporeis.

regards,
Chelsea

btw, the dvd of kill bill vol 1 is banned while its sold at every videostore in Bangkok. Says a lot doesn't it?

ps, in case you're wondering, yes I wanna get out of this hell hole as soon as I can.

My Reply

Right Chelsea,

If you are not a local, then I do not blame you for not liking Singapore of course. What I would like to say is this - you are not aSingaporean, and you did not grow up here, absorbing in its unique(albeit boring) culture, and surrounded by all your neighbours and friends, while celebrating the past 20 (for me) National days with ur
loved ones; cheering as your country grew from a cheap labour land to
the successful country we are now, cry as crises befall upon us.

I can understand if u do not like Singapore, for you do not truely belong here.

But pardon me - I will not say anything bad about my country, because it gave so much to me. You will never understand, and thus, I must also say you have no rights to judge whether we Singaporeans should love our country or not. Love - it is not based on whether we have the new DVD of Kill Bill and whether gum is banned. It's this land's soil that we have grew up with, and I love it with all my heart, and I will lay my life down to protect it. It's not about how the Government rules us either. It is about everything familiar to me here, and every laugh I had on this tiny island, or every tear I shed that formed our humid Singapore air.

While people can criticize my country, I do wish they will not do it in front of me - rather like you will not like me to insult your father, even if it were factual criticism.

I wish you best of luck to get out of Singapore, for I am sure she would not want you to suffer on her as well (and yet she can't change herself to accomodate your likings, nor everyone else's).

Love,
Xiaxue

*****

I hate everyone Singaporean who hates Singapore. MEI LIANG XIN! Yuck! GO DROWN YOURSELVES LA, UNGRATEFUL PRATS!

p/s: I am not THAT widely travelled, but I've been to Australia, New Zealand, Hong Kong, Thailand, Taipei and of course the usual Indonesia and Malaysia. I still love Singapore the best. Cheers.

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Updates soon.

I'm sorry for the lack of proper blogs recently, people! (one really long one below though written in a mean tone because I keep having imaginary people slamming me as I write)

I've been busy recently!

And these ...

could only mean one thing. =D

I'm stepping into a new phrase of my life. It was 13 years of studying halted finally.

I shall climb the corporate ladder with my cheap VNC heels, and I know I can do it because I have a supportive family, the best friends in the world, and you, my readers, always there for me. You guys will keep being here, right?

Thank you, my blogders, the appreciation I have for you guys is unexpress-able. =)

SHANG NI MEN YI GE HEI BAI ZHAO!

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Don't like Singapore? Fuck off - and we wouldn't miss you.

I wanted to blog the following out for a very long time now, but I wanted to wait till National Day gambols around in it's flamboyant sequins to do it with the full impact.

Of course, National Day is not here till four days later, but I can't wait anymore.

Let's see.

I wanted to merely say that I love Singapore, but I also realized that I hate some of the people in here, who mars our beautiful garden city.

These are the JIAK KAN TANG (eat potato) people who meet so often.

I don't often meet such people nowadays (thank goodness!) but I know they exist. I HATE SUCH PEOPLE. Wait, hate is not enough, let's make it CURSE THEM ALL TO ETERNAL HELL.

Most of these people would be

1) Speaking with a stupid American/any other "superior English" accent

2) Coming from English-speaking girl and boy schools like ACS or MGS

3) Constantly whining about a lack of freedom and space in SG.

4) Saying Singapore sucks and they would fly away at their youngest age possible.

5) Have freckles

Well, here's my views about some common kantang phrases:

I wish I were born in XXX country/ I want to migrate to XXX country.

Well, I am speaking to you if you are one of those irritating people who hates Singapore down to our last Vanda Miss Joaquim.

Kantang: "I am so unlucky. If I were luckier, I would have been born in American
instead of Singapore, where we can eat chewing gum and the Government does not
treat us like babies."

Me: "Well, that's bullshit. It's like saying ...
My mum sucks and I wish I was born out of another woman. Not possible at all."

Kantang: "No
... That's not true. Singapore sucks."

DUH! YOU CAN'T CHOOSE WHERE YOU ARE BORN! And also, your life in Singapore has nurtured you to become YOU and whatever BULLSHIT and unimportant opinions that you have, so if you were American, you might really want to be a Singaporean, you would never know.

Thinking of migrating? I have a message for you: I don't think your dream country welcomes you.

Let's take this situation into consideration. Let's use the world's best country, which is Switzerland, because it has very accurate clocks and nice chocolate.

If all the ungrateful kantangs (possibly ugly too) all flock to Switzerland, it will have its finest chocolate all gobbled up, and its clocks all not so accurate anymore because non-Swits are not accustomed nor patient enough to wind pocket clocks to supreme accurancy.

Thus, not only will all the Swits hate the Singaporean Kantangs (I hope they realize that the non-kantangs are nicer people), and hence making Switzerland not so pleasant, the mere reasons why it is so nice in the first place would be obsolete.

You may think I am stretching it, and actually I am. But please spoil me and allow me to give you another fine example. The second best country to be born in would be Venezuela, because all the girls there look like beauty queens with blonde hair rippling to their waist and they have nice chocolate.

- If you are a male kantang there, you will be able to fuck beautiful girls.

- If you are a female kantang there, it is likely that people will generalize and claim that you are beautiful just because you are Venezuelan. You will get fucked often.

The above two hypothetical dream situations will not happen.

Because you are possibly ugly like shit.

And when you go to Venezuela to live, the only people you would be able to shag would be other jaded (and possibly cobweb-covered-around-the-genitals) Singaporean Kantangs.

You will thus spawn, and after years of spawning, Venezuela would no longer be a place full of blonde beauty queens - but instead will be half filled with wannabe-Singaporean-Venezuelans.

It will be no longer a dream country, and it is YOU who ruined it.



Comparison to other "superior" countries

Says the enraged kantang:


"Singapore sucks! Look at how developed Japan is! Why can't we have cutesy lunchboxes too? Why can't our food be as nice as Hongkong's? Why does France have such cheap wine?"

SHUT THE FUCK UP LAH. SLAP YOU. Singapore is pretty fine as it is. Very torturous to stay here is it? Is it really that bad?

The worst argument I have heard is this:

"Singapore nannies its citizens. For example, in Holland, people are allowed to smoke cannabis freely. Why can't Singapore do the same? Let its people choose! That's what democracy is about!"

I forgot who I argued this with, but I would like to say this now - slowly and clearly. The reason why cannabis, or any other drug, is not allowed in Singapore and majority of other countries is because there are STUPID AND IMMATURE PEOPLE AROUND.

By stupid I mean stupid - people who indulge in artificial highs just because it makes them feel physically good, and abandoning all the downside risks (doesn't it OCCUR to them that artificial highs can't be anything good?????) .

These are also the same people persist on ejaculating into their unwedded sex partners (or allow it for that matter) because it "feels good" and ignoring the fact that babies could form. WHO CARES ABOUT BABIES! I WANT TO SHOOT INSIDE COZ IT FEELS SO GOOD! These are also the same stupid people who keep ejaculating into their sex partners even after getting abortions, five times.

By immature, I mean young people who are not capable of making correct and logical decisions for themselves, thus falling back on the same theory - anything that makes your body feel good should be good.

Because there are these two types of people around, the Government need to restrict the distribution of drugs.

Logically speaking, if Marijuana is allowed in SG, then we can also predict that these stupid people would keep going to Zouk to swallow pill after pill (why, marijuana cannot be in pills meh?), because it "feels good".

They will eventually die, or became retarded, because they are incapable of restraining themselves.

Logically speaking, these stupid people are of no loss to Singapore, but imagine who will pack our burgers? Would it be the bangalas? Zouk will also not like corpses to be lying around in their premises after every mambo night.

Thus, the Government, being kind and caring for its citizens, decides that it is for the best that no one uses these harmful drugs to create artificial highs, unfortunately also including the responsible people who might think a small dose of cannabis a month is tolerable.

Otherwise, how's the Government going to sieve the sensible people from the non-sensible people to sell drugs to?

If you were a sensible person with a stupid drug-loving younger brother who cant restrain himself, would you wish for the law to be such that anyone can smoke cannabis? But then again, maybe.

Speaking of artificial highs, I find it disgusting to get "high" (I hate that word, it's so gross) in public. To me, it's like masturbating in public with a stupid cum-face. No one wants to look at your cum-face. Just wrong.

The person I argued with said that cannabis is less harmful than smoking, and in Holland a meagre amount of people (four or so) have died after the ban on said drug was lifted. (I take it the four people that could otherwise have been living still are of no importance.)

Good for Holland, I say. They practice self-control. Not Singaporeans - look at the way we go on the MRT. Also, this fellow's argument is now on the types of drugs the Government shld allow, and not about the crux of our discussion anymore. And just because an experiment on free-rein cannabis went well, it doesn't mean we should push our luck and allow heroin, right?

As for the immature people, it is a pretty obvious case. WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR 13 YR OLD KID TO SMOKE CANNABIS?

Possibly not, I reckon, unless u are one of those said stupid people who ejaculate into your partner (not spouse) and your kid smokes heroin with you.

Age limit for drugs? If drugs are available, you think that kids can't get their hands on it?

We have a Government that cares for us, thank you very much and shut up.


Of course, there would be people now demanding that I explain why the Government should allow smoking - also a type of drug, strictly speaking, and harmful too.

I personally think they should ban it (oh no don't you fucking smokers groan, your life was perfectly fine before you smoked, and you would be richer and healthier too), but I can understand why they didn't.

Because the Government does need to give us some free space too. So, of all the drugs, they chose the least harmful one, to allow citizens to use it. Just one.

I had an argument with someone recently. The Texas brand cigarette package now come complete with a 65K colour laser print picture of a cut bleeding brain on it. Or maybe black lungs too.

It is DISGUSTING and ugly.

This friend said that our Government is hypocritical because it wants to earn money by selling the cigarettes, yet wants to pretend like it is very caring and doesn't want its citizens to smoke.

That's really stretched, isn't it? From my point of view, our Government allows 18 yr olds and above to smoke because we are supposed to be adults who can think for ourselves. They do not want to take away from us the liberty to have whatever little pleasure smoking gives, because they do not have enough reasons to - as smoking is not immediately extremely harmful.

However, what they could do, is to dissuade us from smoking.

They can only hope that years and years of education would not be wasted on us, and we would be sensible enough to CHOOSE not to smoke ourselves. Thus the messages on the cigarette boxes. However, if a stupid person decides to ignore the message, the Government can only say they have done their best, and it's the stupid person's choice.

What a long blog entry.

Last point:

Comparison to other "lousier" countries

By this point of time in my blog entry, I believe almost everyone would be disagreed with me, and I am about to blow off what's left of people who agreed with me. It's kinda sad, but it's alright.

These people who are still agreeing with me are possibly the kindly souls who say, "Yeah lor, SG is good what, at least we have food and water here."

And also because I have said that I do not like people who compare SG with other "better" countries, I must not condone comparisons with "lousier" countries ( Africa always kanna ) too.

What's the point of being in a good country if you don't abuse that privilege? Yes I am lucky to be born in Singapore where I can blog my thoughts without drowning like the people in Venice. So? I shall take it for granted! It's not like I would be banished to Elbonia if I don't thank God everyday for putting me here in Singapore.

I hate people who tell me, "Why didn't you finish your food? Why don't you eat your onions? Do you know how fortunate you are? People in Africa pray for onions!"

My reply would be this: "Whether I force myself to eat the onions or throw them sparingly away, the Africans would still be famished. I shall choose the latter."

Totally no connection. Stupid people.

Disagree with what I am saying? You hate Singapore? Go away then. But XX country possibly doesn't want you. Come to think of it, either does Singapore. Go stick your skull into a fast rotating fan then, bye!

Oh yeah of course:




Happy Birthday my dear Singapore!! One more year till you hit the forties! It is YOU who nurtured me into what I am, and you who is providing a firm ground for me and all my loved ones to stand on, and fine weather for us to grow and strive in. I'll stay loyal to you even if Malaysia buys us up.

Your faithful citizen,
Wendy

Updated: Ha! So many angry comments because of the ACS/MGS/freckles thing. I WAS JOKING, and go get yourself a sense of humour. Meanwhile, I said kantangs usually come from English speaking schools (MGS and ACS being EXAMPLES), not that ALL MGS/ACS people are kantangs. Cheers, and Bah.

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Life's little mistakes

Before we start on this blog entry, I would like to say that i have a condition of blog spasms. When I feel like blogging, I feel compulsive urges to keep blogging and blogging and blogging until I breathe my last, and this kinda behaviour would go on for maybe a week.

And then I stop to take a rest, after which I don't feel like blogging again because I somehow think I can't write as well as before. I can't blog anymore! Until something or someone pisses me off enough, and I am emotionally charged to rant again.

Which explains the sudden droughts and floods of entries, actually. What is wrong with me??!

Let's start on the proper blog:

It's really sad to have a laughable name, don't you think? When I was a kid, I hated my name.

I also hated the mole underneath my eye, but I shall not digress about how I felt like strangling all the people who asked me if I "have something dirty" there. I DON'T HAVE DIRTY THINGS UNDERNEATH MY EYE YOU BLIND BATS WITH LEUKEMIA IT IS A FUCKING MOLE CAN?

Back to names - people used to call me yam yam (what the?) for a variation my chinese name Yan Yan, which is totally not funny. And then there was this functional writing thing in primary school class and the cake shop was called Yum Yum Cake Shop. Very fortunately for me, I was on MC that day. They didn't let me off when the teacher went through the answers the next day though.

Yan Yan also happens to be the brand for the dip-in-liquid-chocolate-or-strawberry biscuit that we used to eat, but no one told me I was delicious.

And then there was my English name Wendy, which I did not use in primary and secondary school because it is so common and people kept asking me where Peter Pan is. There is also the fact that I always seem to have classmates called Wendy. I use Wendy now however, because people in the working world are stupid and they cannot remember Chinese names - most of them anyway.

I hated my name then, but come to think of it, I must have been pretty fortunate. What kinda nickname can u make out of "Wendy Cheng"?

My classmates had the same problem with our Primary Six form teacher, Mr Bryan Chang. WHAT NICKNAME COULD WE GIVE HIM? It was so traumatic that someone came up with "Old Chang Kee" - which is bullshit and not insulting. So he is supposed to own highly successful curry puff stores, WHERE'S THE INSULT?

(Speaking of Primary Six, my female readers, remember all the education about menstruation then? Primary Six was puberty time, right? After the exams, I asked Bryan Chang if we could bring PETS to school, and there was this really awkward silence until I noticed my mistake and told the horrorstuck male teacher that I meant my pet rabbits, not Whisper Ultra Slims.)

Now, I am called Xiaxue in the internet world. Let's see, half the people who read me, hates me. These people, most of them serious, brainless people with no sense of humour, have to think of an insulting nickname for me.

Needless to say, it will naturally be what I call the "Xia Hokkien series" which includes the following:

Xiaxuey / Xiasuay / Xiasway
XiaLan
Xiajian
Xia whatever.

The most common of all is Xiasuay of course, which is also as stupid as a retarded amoeba in a pink tutu. It is also not insulting because Xiasuay means a condition of being embarrassed/ashamed. So Xiaxue is xiasuay, ah huh, then?

COME UP WITH SOMETHING MORE MENTALLY CHALLENGING CAN YOU, ANTI-XIAXUE PEOPLE?

However, these people nicking me Xiasuay has a point. I am constantly in a state of deep embarrassment because of my foul mouth.

Still on the topic of unfortunate names, I remember that I was in a new Primary Five class and sitting right in front of the teacher's table.

The teacher was not there yet, so I picked up the class register to have a look. The guy sitting beside me peeked into the register too, clearly curious to see who his classmates are.

Right smack at the top of the list was Ang Ee Sock.

In an attempt to make small talk with my future neighbour, I said in my best loud joker voice, "Look, Ang Ee Sock! She actually has a sock in her name wahahhahahahahaha! SOCK!".

He laughed a small polite laugh. Clearly, having the word "sock" in your name is really funny, but seems like he didn't get it.



It is anybody's guess that Ang Ee Sock herself right next to me, on my other side. Things like this always happens, no?

I tried to kill myself with a metal ruler when she raised her hand to say she was present later on, but I only succeeded in stunting my growth from that time onwards, which explains why I am so short. In actual fact, I was a pretty tall Primary five kid and I believe I am meant to grow much taller. (I am kidding)

That was during Primary Five and Ee Sock, whose Chinese name was actually Hong Yan Xue, should have forgiven me by now.

However, coming to the crux of this blog entry, is another encounter where I was deeply embarrassed. The reason why I am sharing this is because like in Eminem show 8 Mile, people can't laugh at you when you are already laughing at yourself as it is not fun anymore. Also to serve as a painful reminder to myself.

So anyway.

I was doing photoediting and make up (freelance) for a photo studio, and there were two other workers in there - XW, who did accounts, and HL, who did other nonsense stuff.

I got along pretty well with both.

One day, a new guy AL came along to the scene. I've never seen him, and I didn't bother to make small talk with him. According to XW, she was teaching him how to do the accounts properly because it seemed like she couldn't work the next day.

They both sat near the computer.

HL joined them at the com table, and being bored, I decided to sit there too, next to HL, to traumatize him with my verbal vomit.

XW and AL continued talking gently, ingnoring us and exchanging pointers on the boring program on the com's screen.

I picked up a photo album and flipped.

It's well-taken artistic shots of a rather cute-looking girl. The "Stella Ng" type of face - which I don't like. She was of average height and looked plain but sweet.

"YUCK!" I immediately blabbered. "SO UGLY LA! CANNOT STAND IT!"

I shoved the album to HL and asked, "You all used a model for these photos is it? What are these photos? Is this girl a model?"

HL said he didn't know. I continued with my abuse.

"FOR A MODEL SHE IS DAMN UGLY CAN? So many PIMPLES AIYOH! And the hair! Why cut until like butch? Cannot choose a prettier model meh?"

HL: "Maybe they just wanted someone more average looking?"

"Yeah," I sniggered. "Can't get more average than this."

Flipping a few pages down, while criticizing all the time, I saw a guy's side profile.

"Hey this guy looks a bit like AL!" I said cheerily to HL. "But cannot be la, he (the photo guy) is so ugly, omg."

HL took the album over, and put it near AL's face.

"It's you ah?"

AL: "Yeah, the album is mine."







O M G. Just kill me.

I tried to save myself a bit: "Eh, that girl is a model?"

AL: "No, she is my girlfriend."



*****

I saw him at work the next day without HL and XW present, but he pretended nothing happened and talked nicely to me.

The worst thing is, I really want to tell him for a non-model his girlfriend is really quite good-looking, but I don't know how to bring up the topic without dying of embarrassment. I feel so trapped. Up till today he still thinks I think his gf is hideous but I really don't think so! It's just that I hate ugly models la. Poor AL!!

Mental note to self: WHEN BLABBERING, ALWAYS CHECK OUT THE FACTS FIRST. In fact, don't even blabber.

GO AND DIE LA. DON'T LAUGH! It's not funny!

Oh yeah, dear Shuyin (aka Birdy Teo) has a blog suddenly. What do you know, the whole world has blogs now!

I shall also teach you how to pronounce her blog's title properly.

la.










la.













la.

















BOM-m-m-m!!


dot blogspot dot com.

Now make sure you pronounce it the right way, with soft and calm recitations of the "la"s and a mega loud "BOM-m-m-m!!" said like the Twin Towers kanna bombed during 911 .

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whowantstodrivemetozouk.com

That day, I was waiting outside Zouk for Eileen to come, and was standing like a whore along that lane beside the bus stop. Except without the sexy clothes and horny looks and what's not.

Of course, normal people standing along roads do not feel that they are whores, but I did, because of the glittery people all walking past me, and not to mention the stupid guys in groups of three and fours in their oh-boring! shirts staring, not wanting to miss checking out every young chick they see. Tsk. YOU try standing along that lane to see if you feel like a whore.

The flashy cars drove past in a hao lian manner, no doubt wanting to valet their powerful machines as slowly as possible so that all the girls can take their time to memorise their car plates so that later the girls can pick up the drivers by saying, "Hi! Are you that guy with the Ferrari then?"

"I am, but there are two Ferraris here tonight, my love."

"You are the owner of SCX 101 C then?"

"Yes, let's screw in my car now!!!!"

Maybe that wouldn't happen.

But I was just looking at the flashy cards frisking their way into the Zouk carpark, and noticing that most of them do not have companions with them.

When my friends came, I voiced out to Eileen's boyfriend that there are so many guys driving here, WHY DO I HAVE TO TAKE A BUS?! AND THEN WALK??!!!!

He said, "Maybe they are thinking, 'There are so many cute girls here and I am driving a BMW! Why am I alone?!'"

THUS, I CAME UP WITH A BRILLIANT IDEA.

Ala the concept of the popular wholivesnearyou.com, girls can now search for drivers in their vicinity with http://whowantstodrivemetozouk.com in a shameless manner.

Drivers will be given ratings ala Ebay on cleaniness of car, touchiness, body odour, cuteness, recklessness, Zouk membership etc, while girls will be rated on cuteness, boob size, spit or swallow, body odour, constantly-menstruating-so-no-sex or not, too-talkative or not, glamour factor when brought into Zouk, and etc.

It will be a totally superficial and disgusting website with shameless whoring but it will increase the birth count in Singapore (although half the babies will be abandoned at door steps) so the Govt will be really pleased with me.

Men without cars will thus be really upset but they will learn to convince themselves that such girls are "not worth it".

I will then act as if I am very angry with the owner of whowantstodrivemetozouk.com and come up with a counter site called whowantstowalkromanticallytozoukwithmealthoughidonothaveacar
butiamnice.com

I will, of course, be a member of the latter because I am not superficial and I am nice and cars are not important in a relationship at all.

Both sites will further widen the gap between the rich and poor but it will increase birth rates, so the Govt will still be pleased with me.

With any chance at all, I will soon get a nobel prize.

p/s: Because I am also expecting idiots who don't know that I am joking to post comments or send hate mail telling me I am a shameless slut, I shall post this strip by Scott Adams.




I will be adopting this method from now on.

"Xiaxue you are so mean, you upset me when I read your words."

"Bah."

Tonight I shall include a picture of me doing the bah! action and it will be the most annoying picture you have ever seen. And that's saying a lot considering some of you saw Pixieposh's act chio photos too.

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I hate such people!!!

Blogder Lynn told me that someone was using my photos in Friendster - someone by the ridiculous name of Philamae. What, she thinks she is living in Tokkien's times and she would have rhymed with Boromir? WHAT THE? She also likes watching the "Amzing Race". AMZING RACE!! AM ZING! AM ZING RACE KFC BURGER with that extra ZING like you want it!!!

ENOUGH OF THE CORNY JOKES!!!!

Naturally, I reported her to Friendster police.

Here's what her profile looked like before it is gone:





I also wrote a reply for her. It feels strangely like I am scolding myself because my face is there:






Because this message is mean (I think he/she deserves it and it will do her some good to wake up her idea) I expect I will get some criticism from stupid people who think they should be always politically correct. *wooo Xiaxue you are so mean she only use your picture what why you like that yadda yadda* I despise such people and I don't wish to have their dumbass comments marring my beautiful website.

Thus, this entry shall have no comments. If you want to tell me something so desperately, email me.

Actually hor ... I am quite honoured. Teehee. The testimonials say I chio leh. BUAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!

NOT.

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