Why I do not play sports

Ah, the joy of being single.

How else could I have had a good friend of 8 years to come over to my place on a Saturday night to cook, vs spending Saturday like most lovers do - humping like jackrabbits and staring into each others eyes meaningfully?

Wong the Lawyer just had to spoil it, I tell you.

She volunteered to cook Mee Sua (oh no!) which she claims is going to be an easy conquest since it takes a mere 6 minutes to complete. All she had to do is to tear open the packet, pour in some 2000ml of water, and add in the ingredients; it is that simple.

By the time she came on her bicycle (we live THAT close) with the DVD of Intolerable Cruelty at hand, I had finished making my trademark MASH POTATO. It is darn good I tell you!



I am a good chef ok! My grandpa was a chef and my uncle is STILL a chef so I like to think that I have maintained that set of good genes. However, in front of people like Shuyin and Weili who are also (note: I said also) very good at whipping up gourmet meals, I PRETEND that I cannot cook!

THATS RIGHT WEILI AND SHUYIN! I was pretending! All this while I was actually an expert but I wanted you guys to do the shitwork!

Nah, actually the only thing I can cook is mashed potatoes. =( But at least it tastes good.

*

While Wong started meddling with the pots and mee sua packet, I took the chance to go take a bath.

Promptly came a deep-lunged scream from my brother: "JIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS THAT ON THE FLOOR??!"

Then predictably came Wong's panicky voice, "I WILL CLEAN IT UP LATER!!!"

I came out of my bathroom, and what do I see?


BAM! Wong's tee stained with flour!!!!!!!!




BAM! My sink filled with mysterious WHITE STUFF and random pieces of mee sua!




BAM! The chef in disgrace!




BAM! WHAT A HORRIFIC SIGHT!




And the worst:










SHE TRIED TO POISON MY CUTE AND INNOCENT DOG! NO CLOUDY, DON'T GO NEAR HER FOOD!!!!!!!!



Now Wong, this is a serious problem. I know you do not like Cloudy as it fits your theory that "ALL ANIMALS ARE FILTHY", but please do not poison him?!



Why? He is so cute! Why hate him? Oh my poor Cloudy ...


BUT ANYWAY, we managed to rescue Cloudy from the potential poison, so he is still here, quite alive and cuddled on my feet as I type this.

In the end, the mee sua, which Wong tried her best of get rid of the mysterious white specks (turns out they were "undissolvable" starch as Wong proclaimed), actually tasted like it was cooked ok.

The problem was not with Chef Wong (but of course) but with Taiwanese products - its taste by itself was quite bad. TOLD YOU NOT BE INDULGE IN CHEAP GOODS WONG!

So you were wondering what has all the cooking got to do with sports. Here it goes, my MSN conversation with Wong this afternoon:

Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says: (This is me)
wong eekean!
yingz - i've got gmail yeay! says: (This is Peiying)
what?
Wong says: (This is Wong)
she mo tai ji
Wong says:
i wanna play badmintion
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
dun want can
yingz - i've got gmail yeay! says:
and you're asking yan yan???
Wong says:
why cannot?
Wong says:
she's gettin fat n ugly
yingz - i've got gmail yeay! says:
yea but no way she's gonna play badminton
yingz - i've got gmail yeay! says:
hey why don't you ask ah dong they all... their rackets still at my place
Wong says:
har?
Wong says:
but they are not a cycle away
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
and dun care about me?!
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
cannot like that la doh
yingz - i've got gmail yeay! says:
yea u evil girl dun wanna play badminton
Wong says:
yalor
Wong says:
u so fat n lazy n u blame me for not askin u
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
i suck at it what
Wong says:
I ask u last night lor
Wong says:
no
Wong says:
no what
yingz - i've got gmail yeay! says:
hey i dunno how to play lo and i learnt it hor
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
if i ask u to spend the day doing photoshop u want?
Wong says:
I rem u were q good leh
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
lol whatever gave u that impression
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
and i dun have sport shoes either
Wong says:
look: at badminton I can RETURN ur serve
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
my nikes disintergreted themselves after 3 years of disuse
Wong says:
how the hell do I photoshop WITH u
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
we can play competitive photoshop
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
BUT MY POINT IS
Wong says:
what in the world is competitive photoshop?
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
u do not like playing with stuff u either suck at or don't know how to do
Wong says:
u dun suck lar
Wong says:
last time we played at rv
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
just like badminton and photoshop
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
NO NO NO
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
no sport shoes
Wong says:
u were playin wif me n U DIDN"T SUCK
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
no sports WEAR
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
I DID TOO! I sucked!
Wong says:
play with slippers lar u fool!
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
i'm too short then my serving range v low
Wong says:
nonsense
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
oh no no no no shoes without heels
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
DUN WANT LAH
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
dun be silly
Wong says:
u dun have slippers???
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
i'd rather go shopping
Wong says:
I give up fighting with u
Oh no I am at home on Saturday!! says:
good to hear
Wong says:
I'm gonna ask someone else to play with me
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
sure
Wong says:
I honestly dun understand ur aversion to sports
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
it causes sweaty vulvas
Wong says:
can u please
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
NO!
Wong says:
STOP BEING LAZY
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
i will FOREVER be lazy
Wong says:
ur mom says ur fat
Wong says:
I say ur slumpy
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
i dun mind what the pots call me
Wong says:
can u please????
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
no lah actually i dun mind going swimming
Wong says:
n yesterday u did the most sinful stuff in the diet dictionary
Wong says:
u could have burned in hell for that
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
wat, horrid mee sua?
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
i didnt touch that stuff
Wong says:
eating mash potatoes like 1 tub at midnight
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
*cough pot cough*
Wong says:
can u behave like an average ger?
Wong says:
watch ur sodding diet n weight
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
average girls do not like their vulvas SWEATY
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
what is wrong with u??
Wong says:
they do not have sweaty genitalia
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
what if someone offers to perrform cunninlingus for me after the game?
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
what am I supposed to say?
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
"Sorry, my vulva is sweaty, u sure u wanna do this?"
Wong says:
den sodding say meet u in the shower room
Wong says:
n lap urself with dove
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
too much trouble
Wong says:
...
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
hahhahaha
Oh no not badminton! No sports for me, it causes sweaty vulvas! says:
conclusion: NO BADMINTON, NO SPORTS!


It is so fun to make Wong angry. Hahahahha *evil grin*

Sports is not cool, because? REPEAT AFTER ME: It causes sweaty genialia!

Gooooooooooooooood! =)

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I feel like a victim of discrimination

No, I am not whining about my height today.

I feel discriminated for my love of the great purple vegetable, the BRINJAL.

Yes yes, I can almost feel you people giving me the pitying look because I like eggplants. It's almost like I admitted I actually have the fetish of cutting myself with razor blades and you don't know what to say except eye me sympathetically because I am born weird.

At the same time, i can also sense the fellow closet brinjal lovers look at me with something close to worship, because I have courageously admitted that I love brinjals - to open discrimination. It is almost as brave as admitting you are Jewish in Hitler's face.

I have not always been in love with the brinjal. Let me tell you our true story. It is in fact so touching, I expect you to cut the following excerpt and mass forward it by the millions in emails. Add that if they do not pass on the message, their lovers will discriminate them for life.

I've always disliked brinjals as a young child, because it is ugly and purple. People ask me, Wendy, why do you not like purple? Purple is PINK and blue mixed, and I thought you like pink?

We love purple, yeah!

NO! I love pink, but I hate blue.


"Hpmf! What's wrong with blue?!

For some reason, the favourite colour of 80% of Americans (yes, various shades of BLUE) makes me feel quite disgusted. I cannot explain or justify this superficial distaste, just like you cannot explain why you just have this contempt for Cao Qi Tai (we just hate his face don't we all?!!).

The colour I hate the most is the dustbin blue. That common, primary shade of blue. I hate it. It makes me feel like kicking all the blue dustbins.

Why must they all be this shade? It is so hideous, isn't it? If I ruled the world, our skies will be pale pink with rainbows ALL THE TIME. Why are rainbows so goddamn rare anyway? It's so annoying.

So anyway, back to purple.

I dislike, or rather, disrespect, purple, because it is not - like what most people suggest - a mixture of PINK and blue.

IT IS ACTUALLY PINK, The Most Beautiful Of Colours, TAINTED with blue. Therefore, it sucks.

Food should not be ugly. It shouldn't be purple! Nor mushy for that matter.

Digressing, there is a certain type of pasta sauce called the squid ink sauce or something like that, and IT IS BLACK (yes, black). Not lor mee kinda dark brown and clear, but opaque BLACK, with mysterious small specks inside that might have been other colours (maybe garlic pieces - or squid shit, we'll never know).

Together with the pale yellow spaghetti and beige coloured clams, it has a horrid look of good food drenched with the water used to rinse a very, very filthy rag.

A date ate this piece of evil concoction with relish (lips black from the sauce) while I looked on in horror. He told me to try some, and to his credit it tasted merely OK, and looked slightly worse than scary. Not worth it, I'd say.

So yes, I discriminated the brinjal because it looks ugly. I refused to try it.

Then one fine day, I was with Sheng Rong and his family in Hong Kong, having dinner at an expensive Chinese restaurant.

Being non-discriminators of ugly food, Sheng Rong and his sister Goldie loved brinjals. I would say that Sheng Rong would be the exact kinda person who will give the squid ink sauce spaghetti a try too.

Slutty Sheng Rong also looks like Harry Potter so when Eekean (far right) saw a Harry Potter poster, she had a sudden stroke of brilliance and asked Sheng Rong and his sister (third from left) and friend Peiyi to pose in front of it.

Very bo liao, click on the thumbnail.

But also very uncanny. Back to the story at hand, Sheng Rong's sister Goldie, a person who would tolerate no nonsense, force-fed me some of the expensively prepared brinjal (despite me wailing in protest that I do not eat BRINJALS! Nah, I'm kidding, she actually asked me nicely to try some) and Sheng Rong, giving me an utterly evil look, asked me whether it is nice.

His face clearly stated, "Say it is nice, or ELSE!".

Kidding aside, he actually genially asked me if I liked it while Goldie looked on in enthusiasm.

And it actually tasted GOOD!

They laughed and patted me on my back for the courage, and welcomed me to the Adoration for Brinjals club.

From that day onwards, I would have sudden convulsions of craving for brinjals, and my love for it has not dimmed since that significant day in December 2002.



Thus ends the brinjal love story.

*frowns* Some people say I like brinjals just because they are phallic, but that is not true at all.

I did not realise the long-term complications that came with our relationship. Clearly, there are many people who cannot accept my partner for who or what he is.

There was this once when I was out with this newly-known colleague of mine. We had lunch together, and there it went again! I had a sudden craving to consume eggplants.

With him beside me, we ordered for rice with a variety of mixed dishes, and I did my order first.

Expectedly it consisted of brinjals.

I could see him raise an eyebrow - and I felt slightly ashamed that I ordered the object of my colleague's condescension.

When we sat down with our food, he set his face into a look of polite nonchalence and began on his very normal plate of chicken, tofu and the average and socially acceptable veggie: The xiao bai cai.

I looked at him, and meekly asked, "Do you eat brinjals?"

"NO!" he answered quickly, as if offended that I should even doubt that a normal person like himself would consume such bizarre trash.

"Why?" I asked, although I think I know his answer.

"Because it is gross! It is mushy and soft and it is DISGUSTING."

"Ah."

He continued with his food, and I think he does not want to sit beside me.

"Do you discriminate people who like brinjals?" I pressed on.

"YES," he replied, without a grin. "You are disgusting lah," he further informed me.

"Nice what ... " I started, but my voice traced off weakly. "Hey, why not you try a bit?" I chirped as an afterthought.

"Don't want lah, no way!" he said, staring at my plate in horror. "Don't want don't want!"



HOW SAD IS THIS? From that day onwards (the story is 100% true btw), I am quite ashamed to eat my brinjals in public.

To my horror, I have also discovered that I like lady's fingers as well. That is saying a lot, considering I used to think that the only good that came out of this veggie is that it makes nice prints in primary school when teachers ask us to make paint prints from fruits. (Digressing, the head of the xiao bei cai makes a nice "rose" prints when its leaves are severed)

Try telling the average teenage kid that you like lady's fingers, and they will laugh and tell you only aunties like lady's fingers and if you like lady's fingers, you possibly like eating mucus too.

I have no idea what caused my change of taste.

But anyway, lucky for me, Shuyin and Weili both love brinjals and lady's fingers as well, so I can always eat it with them.

As for Peiying, Xiao Feng, Ee Kean and Ghim hui, I think they still discriminate me for liking brinjals. =(

Oh, woe is me!

p/s: On the other end of the spectrum of people who discriminate brinjal lovers, there are people who love brinjals. Click HERE for the evidence.

Site comes complete with a brinjal which is supposed to be hailing something:



So yeah.

*************

Miscellaneous: Don't you just LOVE this lamborghini ad?

And some porn for you. If you click on the third last picture, there is actually cum on the, ah, female's face. (PS: The porn is safe for work)

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I feel quite jumpy, don't you?

Countdown to What Matters - 3 hours and 15 mins ...

730pm, Channel i !!!!!!!!

=)

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Are the females in Singapore all ugly, or what?

*Note: Blogged halfway a long time ago*

I am in a bad mood so I shall adopt what all people do when they are in a bad mood - Impose their bad mood on others.

I HOPE YOUR DAY SUCKED AND YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND DUMPED YOU YOU UGLY GIT!

*deep gasp from the shocked audience*

So as I was saying ...

Yesterday I was whipping around Holland Village like a Tasmanian Devil while waiting for Eekean and the rest of the RV gang to come along.

Ghim Hui and XF were late, so Wong and I were looking thru the mag stands. Since I was in such a horrific mood, I looked at all the magazine covers and decided I hate all the Singapore models.

It's not the models' faults actually. They have just been over-exposed.

Seriously! What do you see when you look at the average magazine cover?!

Here's a sum up for you:

Rebecca Tan, rebecca tan, rebecca tan, denise Keller, jaymee ong, jaymee ong,
fann wong, zoe tay, fiona xie, rebecca tan, jaymee ong, denise keller, denise
keller, belinda lee, denise keller rebecca tan, Jaymee Ong, Fann, zoe, fann,
fiona, zoe, jaymee, becky, denise, becky

THE SAME FACES OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

May I present to you!

REBECCA TAN! She is one face I am sick of seeing.

Not that she is ugly or anything near that, but how many products does she endorse? Like 3 million?

1) Lee Hwa Jewellery (or whatever that ad is where she lifts up her arms in an convertible car)
2) Some feet massage thingy currently showing on TV
3) A boob cream
4) Perlini silver?
5) Random product A
6) Random product B
7) Random product C
8) Some milk thingy?

Apparently this month she is on the cover of "SHAPE" or some health mag with a rainbow bikini. I know she has really kickass boobs, but is there really a need to use her so many times we all can draw her face with our eyes closed and hands miamed?

What is wrong with Singapore's media? Do we really have a lack of models for using as cover girls?

Speaking of over-exposed models, may I present to you ....

JAYMEE ONG!



Wow! Cover of Health mag.








Bam, another. Gimme more Jaymee!








"Sure thing", says Cleo.









Not enough? Here's another, courtesy of Cleo!






ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY ALL THE SAME PEOPLE OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!



Don't be silly dear, it's not your fault at all.



ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!


NO! That Is Enough!



BOOM!!!!!!



The last two are current issues. -_- Nod with me now: Is she over exposed, or over exposed?


Mind you, I do think Jaymee is gorgeous.



But I would like to see some new blood for once.




Come to think of it, maybe it is not that difficult to have that kinda look that magazine girls have. It's all just photoshop, isn't it?





There you go. Mind you, my "before" photo here was already being photoshopped, so the difference is not too much. But take a closer look!

The nose - suddenly there's a nose bridge!
The lashes! - who grew them?!
Depth of eyes! - why is there eyeshadow?
Skin! - Blur, blur, blur, blur, blur, airbrush, heal, blur, blur, sharpen, sharpen, blur, blur

Of course, some of us will claim that the "before" photo looks more natural and thus nicer - BUT THAT'S BULLSHIT. No mag covers will put that photo of mine as the front page.

Anyway, I'm so talented, I do not understand why Maxim is not scouting me to be their photo editor. *tsk tsk* HEY YOU THERE! You! You mumbling that I am not that good what, why I so hao lian? YOU ARE WRONG! I am THAT good. If the creator of photoshop is the best, then I am the mountain that is always higher than the other mountain (I see the non-chinese/kantangs go like, "huh?!").

Well as usual this post is going to piss of the relevant industry's people, who will claim that I am shooting my mouth without knowing anything. You know how most (I said MOST) gay make-up artists operate: "Aiyoh! That xiaxue bitch! Always talk nonsense! SO BITCHY! And her breasts ah, small small only, still talk so much!" - to be said in a trans/malay accent and completed with broken wrist.

...
and etc.

Truth is, there is only one reason why they keep using the old crowd: There is indeed not enough models.

Well then kudos to Cleo, which holds auditions for new Cleo cover girls, and to FHM, which recently featured Margaret Lee, who is, erm, definitely not very normal cover girl material.

BUT WHY??? Why are there not enough models in Singapore? Is everyone too smart and educated to take a job which under-utilises their brains nowadays?

Come to think of it, if I spent 10 years of my life studying, why would I wanna be a model? Ah, to get shagged by rich guys driving Zondas of course, then siphon their money dry and then go fuck another rich guy who lives in Queen Astrid Park or 6th Ave.

Model 1: My bf drive Lamborghini leh!
Model 2: My fuck buddy drive Bentley ok!
Model 3: My nene is so big that my godfather drive the Singapore Duck Tour Boat around town just because he can afford it. *smirks*

Model 1, 2: ... But the boat can drive one meh?

Model 3: I don't know leh, I think we sort of bounce about. Oh, it messes up my hair. =*(

HEY YOU THERE! You who are muttering that some models are smart too! YOU ARE ..... CORRECT! That day, I was talking to one of them, and I asked her, like, hello there, how many alphabets are there do you remember? and she said, like, was it 24 or 26? guffaw guffaw

Well, do YOU know how many alphabets there are? And do you also know that 512 is the cube of 8? Or that the human body has 206 bones? And that the enamel coating your teeth is actually harder than your skull?

OH DEAR! If yes, then you are too smart to be a model lah dear. Trust me, u will contribute more (meaningfully) to our country's GDP by being a marketer or engineer. ;)

But what I don't get is this: Why do these rich guys let the girls siphon their cash and sometimes even marry them?

Going by pure logic and no sexual elements, these rich guys should be relatively smart right, that's why they made it rich/maintained wealth.

Therefore, smart people should seek smart partners for three good reasons:

1) To ensure smart genes for kids to continue success in the business they spent a lifetime building up.
2) To be able to have a fulfiling conversation with partner without feeling like crashing her skull.
3) To use her intelligence to help make critical decisions in the business and provide business solutions.

To the contrary however, we see plenty of these rich (also supposedly smart) people dating/marrying dumb actresses and models.

Plenty of logic behind that too I guess:

1) Is a good fuck
2) Is too dumb to notice if you cheat on her (or doesn't care since she cheats too)
3) Children will look good - (but are so stupid they will all get herpes at the age of 11)
4) Can show off like trophy and make the guy with the smart but ugly wife pissed off (but his smart son will trash your business).
5) Has so much money he doesn't mind paying for something as long as it is aesthetically pleasing.
6) Feeds ego as he feels he is damn smart whenever conversing with her.

Oh well, the dumb model wins the average-looking lady in the power suit with the quiet IQ of 150. What a pity.

*****

Back to the topic of brains-not-necessary occupations, today Wong the Lawyer and I went to Ikea to have dinner.

Very unfortunately, there was but one two seater table at the side of this lady.

I took a glance at her, absorbed in the electric blue eyeshadow, tight black bun and blood red nails, and I knew it was no good news.

But what choice do we have? It was the only seat around.

I grudgingly took the seat beside her.

BAD MOVE.

Later on, her friends came to join her - some skinny Indian lady and some Chinese girl.

The moment their asses touched the seats, they started gushing at her.

"OMG your make up! You look so different!"

The original girl merely smiled a "I am so lucky and you can only be envious" smile at them.

The Indian girl started to gush about how her current make up makes her eyes look bigger or something.

I, as a professional *ahem*, ok, freelance make up artist, took one more glance at her and almost laughed out loud. Since when was electric blue eyeshadow a "nice make-up"?? In fact, I think Qin Shi Wang should have burned all baby/electric blue eyeshadow when he tried to burn all the books in ancient China.

She looks like someone from the 80's popped up from the grave and tried to force make-up on her.

Anyway, it was apparent what the BIG HOOHA was about. She was newly made an air stewardess.

I don't see the big fuss about air waitresses, seriously. Most of them are fugly with super red lipstick. I say MOST. Why must guys go like "Whoop! My girlfriend is an air stewardess!" when it is almost nothing to be proud about? Why don't they go "Whoop! My girlfriend is the CEO of Raffles Holdings!" (That's Jennie Chua btw, and I totally adore her because she is so capable, she worked her way up in hospitality starting out as a banquet waitress. She is also hilarious).

Why is it ok for girlfriends to be superior to them in looks but not in intelligence/capability??! What kinda crap logic is that?

Anyway, back to the story:

Moving swiftly on from make-up (a whole fifteen mins), they started discussing the tight bun she had on her nape.

Being an ex-banquet waitress, I assure you that that bun is not difficult to tie at all and nothing to drool over. It is BUT A FUCKING HAIR BUN!

She started explaining to them, while they listened with bambi eyes, that she twirled and twisted and used a lot of what she called "U-pins" to secure the bunch of dead cells.

And added she used two hairnets so it's more "secure".

What a bunch of airheads! And why did she have to keep the bun on when she is outta the airport? TRYING TO HAO LIAO!

Surely you have heard the saying:

Big minds discuss ideas
Mediocre minds discuss events
Small minds discuss people

What about minds who discuss superficial aesthetics? They should add another: Imbecile minds discuss U-pins in great detail.

I would have forgiven Miss New Air Waitress if she talked about the weather next - in her little phoney English accent may I add.

BUT NO! She started to talk about her MANICURE! Which looked like shit on her stumpy nails. Blah blah it's a airline thing to have it red it is sponsored all the girls do the same blah blah blah.

Then her friends talked about another subject, and I stole a glance at her, and you know what? She wasn't listening but admiring her nails. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER??!

They moved swiftly on to how little they eat a day and Indian girl proclaimed that she is really very full and didn't wanna touch dinner.

I took a hopeless look at the thunderstruck Eekean, and gulped down the last of my meatballs, and fled from the place.

Never may I meet another person like that again. Amen.

*****

Oops! Let's wrap up this blog entry.

But what hell was Elle thinking when they got Rachel Lee to be cover?



Oh my god the tragedy. Whatever class and prestige the mag had was gone in one day. Not that Rachel is, erm, not a nice girl of course. Bleah, I better shut up here if I ever wanna write for Today again. *grins*

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I'm sorry, my readers

Sometime happened which made blogging pretty impossible tonight. Tmr, I promise. Love ya all.

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Who's that girl on TV?!

That's right! We at Xiaxue Inc. is proud to announce that the star of this blog is about to make her virgin appearance without photoshop!!!!!

See her in the flesh at 7pm on Channel I's What matters this Thursday!






Just a short 3 mins on an interview with her at Weili's nice place ... (Xie xie Weili!!!)



Very unfortunately when this shot was captured she was adjusting her hair so she looks like she is acting in a porn film and taking off a bra. Rest assured the program is nothing of this sort.

Also present in the show would be friend Wanyi ...



And of course, Singapore's own funny columist cum blogger Mr. Brown! *beams*


I think I will look very fat in the show, but believe me, I am really skinny in real life.

*more blogging tmr yeah, about MODELS.

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ca�lam�i�ty - Dire distress resulting from loss or tragedy.

There is this Chinese saying called huo bu dan xing, which literally means that disasters do not travel alone. That's right! It has a set of buddies it likes to bring along with it to bug you forever till you die of depression.

Recently I've been experiencing this. Within a short while, I quarreled with 3 friends (two of which are fine now), and I feel thoroughly miserable.

Someone up there must feel that that is not enough, I was made even more miserable yesterday.

I've just got my pay, and since I've been feeling very lonesome recently ...


LET ME DIGRESS!!!

****************
After watching an episode of Super Sunday, I was informed by the Taiwanese media that girls like guys who are you(1) yu(4) (depressed and melancholy, not cuttlefish).

The perfect example would be Vic Zhou in Meteor Garden. Ho ho ho! If you are one cheery guy, you can now wallow in self pity - for the truth is out. Girls only like depressed guys.

For some weird reason, girls FEEL for the guys who sits down for hours staring into the stars, moping like nobody's business.

The girls feel that you yu guys are deep and mysterious. Deep + mysterious = great sex.

WOOO! That guy sitting on the swing in the lonesome playground - my word, there must be so much to find out about him! What is making him so melancholy? I just wanna cuddle him between my ... arms to make him feel better! I'm sure morose as he is now, I can be the one girl who will light up his life for him ... I am so intrigued and infatuated. Oh the floppy hair and bambi eyes which shine with tears!

VS:

Yikes siao one that guy so happy and so loud for what. Surely a frivolous being. What a flirt.

Not sexy lah, too happy looking



(On the contrary, a depressed and ragged looking Stephen oozes sex appeal, yeah?)





You see my point.

Although I do prefer happy guys (I'm not rejecting the odd suicidal one as well if he is cute), I shall conversely deduce the same conclusion for females.

Surely guys love depressed females too, I asked myself. The answer is a resounding YES.



Don't cry ...

Surely you wanna take the disconsolate her into your arms while she nuzzles in your chest and you wipe away her tears for her? Meanwhile, her silky straight hair will fall over her face and you will, gently using your fingers, push them away. She looks up at you with her soulful eyes and blinks twice, a silent "thanks" for you being there for her.

Altogether now! "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ..."

Guys totally love that bullshit.

So I have decided! From now on, I shall be a depressed girl. OH WOE IS ME!

To complete your image of me as a absolutely woebegone person, I shall supply a photo of me looking you yu:




Please take note! It comes complete in sepia (a depressed colour-mode if there is one) - and coupled with the meaningful yet hopeless words it is even more sexy than EVER! Don't you just wanna take me into your arms and comfort me, guys?!

However, please pardon the particular green pepper at the side of the picture. *frown* A professional depressed-photo should not have vibrant vegetables in it.

Oh oh oh! Let's have a digression in the middle of this digression!

Don't you think that a lot of fruits/veggies have sexual connotations??! Why is that so I wonder?

Checklist:

Banana
Papaya
WaterMELONs
MELONs
(Pop the) Cherry
Cucumber
Brinjal
Grapes (courtesy of Anne Rice - her cl*t swelled like a small hard grape. Doh!)
Dried raisins (Courtest of Anne Rice - this was supposed to describe nipples. What the?!)

Moving on, it was Peiying who tried to shove the pepper into my mouth as I took the picture. A good thing photographer Ghimz was fast too, for the next moment after I took the pic I was bursting in laughter.

But in actual fact I am a really you yu person.

Please fall helplessly in love with me.

********* End Digression *************

I was saying that since I was very lonesome recently, I'm decided to the one way to get companionship - BUY IT. I shall get famous singers to accompany me on the long journey home by buying a memory stick for my mp3 playing Clie!!

Gleefully, I walked into the spanking new and pure white Sony Gallery at Wisma's 4th floor (topshop there).

I bought the 128mb memory stick at $87.



That was taken before the photographer (yours truly) went into such severe depression Woodbridge is asking her to quit her compulsive blogging syndrome and go to bed (ha, I know it took a long time for this post to come up, but I am depressed, forgive me) now.

In fact, I was so happy I even took a picture of my newly manicured nails! ($8.90 at bugis village)



After which, at 945pm, I gleefully opened up the package and inserted the memory stick into the clie.

WHAT

THE

HELL!


The screen started to flicker ominously with only white and black horizontal lines and on, and it could not be turned off.

"No problem lah," I comforted myself. "Just press reset lor ..."

And I did! But with no avail at all. The screen continued to flicker. I told my clie, "Please don't like that, please?" and it didn't listen! IT IS GOING BERSERK! SOMEBODY HELP ME~!!!!

I tried pressing every single button on the poor Clie and nothing changed.

Finally, I pressed and held the on/off button.

What returned was a nice new screen (yay no more flickering!) which asked me in mock politeness:


"Would you like to erase all data?"

OF COURSE NOT YOU STUPID DUMBASS CLIE!

Since I couldn't heal my Clie, i decided the next best thing to do is to kill its murderer - the salesman. I asked him umpteen times if there were compatible issues and he said no. Clearly then, his product is FAULTY!

I SHALL KILL THE TRAITOR! My clie was my only friend!!!!! I read Harry Potter on it! I cannot live without it! How could he do this to me, I hate him!

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? Basically, I paid $87 to screw myself! Oh congratuations! At least I get to keep the memory stick! FOR FUCK WHEN MY PALMTOP IS GONE??! What is this, promotional gimmick? Buy a memory stick and get an excuse for a brand new Clie? No thanks hor!

Today, I returned to Sony Gallery in the morning when it is opened. The same salesman was there, and he was befuddled as to why the clie is behaving in this childish manner.

He then did the smart thing by delegating the problem-solving to the techicians.

By this time, may I assure you that I am one very pissed being. I am not very nice when I am pissed. I was also from NCC and I did the Baris Sediyak (how to spell?) thingy when I was in school so I can shout pretty loud too.


The fellow gave me a casual "oh, so your clie spoil ah?" look which thoroughly pissed me off. HELLO I AM NOT YOUR NORMAL CUSTOMER WHOSE PRODUCT WENT FAULTY OK IT WAS YOUR MEMORY STICK WHICH CAUSED IT SO THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS LOOK PATRONISINGLY APOLOGETIC!

The asshole went on the mention that since my warranty is over (speaking of which, it was over on AUGUST 2004, how suay can I get?), he wants to highlight to me the relevant charges.

I hollered at him.

"WHAT? This is ridiculous! It is YOUR memory stick which spoilt my Clie and now you want me to pay for the repair? Are you crazy? In fact, I think YOU should compensate me for my time wasted here and also for the important data that is in my clie!"

He gave me a relatively shocked look, and all I wanted to do then was to smash his head with his luxurious Sony Vaio's LCD screen.

Of course I got the bloody repairs free.

Bloody ineffective bastards, will take them another five days (ARE THE TECHICIANS ALL RETARDED, OR ARE SONY PRODUCTS CONSTANTLY BREAKING DOWN??! FIVE days! A mosquito would have finished it's lifespan by then, it is THAT long!) to repair the clie.

When they have it back to me, I am going to demand a full refund from them for $87 and buy the light purple ordinary memory stick from Yahoo! Auctions - not another magic-gate is coming anywhere near my clie!

Bloody assholes. "Relevant charges". THE CHEEK!


Moral of the story: Do not randomly insert foreign objects into fitting holes without first checking for defects of foreign object. The results might be deadly.

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