I just dyed my hair!!

After 3 months of having black roots growing out of my scalp, I finally dyed my hair!

Did it at Toni & Guy yesterday for $35...





Nice? Or are curls nicer? Gimme your comments!

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It is getting harder and harder to open Blogger as my posts increase. Which is quite steadily, needless to say? And that is very irritating.

Right now as I blog this entry on Wordpad, the screen behind the wordpad shows a page which cannot be displayed, otherwise known as Blogger.com.

I actually wanted to blog about something today.

I told a close friend of mine about that particular blog topic.

That topic, in short, is about this girl's blog which went into great, graphic details about her bikini wax. One's impression, after reading (a lengthy deal about) it, is a very vivid virtual image of her raw, hairless cheebye, which is, needless to say, pretty horrific to readers - female readers at least. Now say "pubes" in my face, and her would-be genitals zoom in to my mind's eye. It even appears slightly wet.

Or maybe it is just me with a very wild imagination.

Now as I say this: "She violently coughed out one of her lungs and it was pulsating with blood and gooey translucent liquids." and you imagine the scene in your mind?

I do, whenever I read such stuff.

But I digress.

So my blog topic, which I decided to clear with particular friend before embarking on, is about blog etiquette (not that I am in the position to lecture anyone - but I wouldn't let that small detail stop me). I think girls should refrain from talking about such personal details about their anatomy, menstruation and sex life like everyone thinks they are sexy (meaning writing sexual stuff purely for the sake of MALE readers. Yuck.) unless they happen to be making a joke, because everything is forgiven since laughter is the best medicine.

I know another girl who constantly writes about how much she loves blowjobs and having cum in her mouth. YEAH RIGHT. Stop trying to act sexy! PUI! NO GIRLS WOULD LOVE THE ACT OF A BLOWJOB!

Cmon. Stop deluding yourselves, guys! Open your mouth. Now insert a doorknob in it. Lick and suck it for the next 15 minutes. Like it? At least the doorknob is was not once dripping with urine and sweat, love.

Now some stupid girls will be whining about how they sincerely love doing the abovementioned act. Well that's because they are insipid. I AM TALKING ABOUT THE ACT, NOT THE IMPLICATIONS. Girls ENJOY seeing their partners pleasured when they are performing fellatio, but they will NOT enjoy just sucking a dick per se. Duh. Isn't it obvious?

I believe her for the cum swallowing because, well, if there are people who like parsley, then surely there will be people who like the taste of semen. Weirdos.

I digressed again.

I think guys, from another real life example I read, should refrain from talking about how much they love masturbating (five times a day sometimes with both hands), jap porn, rubbing their genitals against warm and soft objects etc. SOMEONE SAID HIS SPERM SMELLS LIKE TUNA MAYONNAISE! Up till today I cannot eat that offensive bread spread without a mental picture of that guy wanking off - which I assure you is not very appetitizing. (p/s: To the author of that if you are reading this, THANKS AH!)

Why not write like that? Because it accidentally grosses the reader out, the same sex readers anyway. =(

My POV aside, my friend chided me (not, he assured, because the bikini wax girl I mentioned was his, erm, gf) in a fierce way which quite startled me.

He said that he constantly defends me from my detractors because he thinks that writers should have the freedom to write whatever they want. The theory holds, he hollered through MSN (I could feel it), that "if you don't like what you read, don't read it!"

He further illustrated that I would turn into another re-minisce or metastasis if I do write that (now non-existent) blog entry. I cannot have him defend him and then turn around and do the same thing as those (narrow minded) people did.


So well ... Yes he made a lot of sense. SO GIRLS! WRITE ABOUT MENSTRUAL BLOOD AND SEXCAPADES! Give photos of used pads! Boys! Write about your masturbating to your sister humping her bf next room (I know someone who does that!!!!! *gasp*)!

It is, and will be, a personal decision where no one can make but you.


So you missed a B.F! (Thats BITCHING FIT for you)Ha ha. I just learnt that term from White Chicks. Quite a funny show.

Ok yes you caught the contradiction I already bitched quite a bit.

Speaking of B.F ...

I went with Eileen to the flea market at Clarke Quay today, and all I bought is ...



Being a future Mensan myself, the Mensa title caught my eye. I took the book up (I usually only like green books), contemplated buying it to practice for my coming (or not, depending on my results) Mensa IQ test and put it down again. This is because I decided that I am clearly such a genius that I do not need external help from silly Mensa professors (which after I pass the test I will regard as EQUALS, buahahaha).

The auntie selling the book, seemingly non-Mensa material, picked up the book with amazingly agility for her age and thrust it at my chest. She then said I look as dense as mercury and I need as much help as I can for my coming test.

"How did you know I have a test Auntie?" I quipped, somewhat amazed.

She then took out a crystal ball out of nowhere. The crystal ball is green and aglow with sparkling, erm, bits. She looked into it then predicted that I will blog tonight.

Which I did! HOW IMPRESSIVE!

ENOUGH of bullshit.

Actually the auntie took the book and told me it is $1, would I like to take it?

"Sure..." I said. So cheap!

Speaking of "sure...", I started to use this term after I learnt it from someone. Because I assured that Someone that nothing about him will appear on this blog, I shall have to say that the someone I am talking about is very old and just died yesterday of a stomach ulcur which slowly gobbled up his ancient but wisely-lived life. He therefore does not exist.

I realised that "sure..." can sound extremely irritating if you keep saying it in an extremely arrogant and patronizing tone whenever someone asks you something. I have been steadily losing friends these few months because they all cannot stand me saying "sure".

Sit back on your chair in a slightly bored manner, like you own the world and no ONE IS SUPERIOR TO YOU. You are therefore relaxed and happy because the view from the top is comforting, albeit lonely. Tilt your chin up. You are ready!


Example 1:

Person: "Hey I see you have a Porsche. Do you have a Ferrari too?"

YOU: "Sure..."

Person: "Bullshit."

YOU: "Sure..." *lopsided grin*

Person: "Fuck off."


Example 2:

Person: "Hey Xiaxue can you help me with some photoshop? You barely know me but you wouldn't charge me right?"

Me: "Sure..."

Person: "Really? Can I pass you like all the 132 photos I took at Sentosa? Get rid of my underbite will you, and make my dog less fluffy."

Me: "Sure..."

Person: "Great, thanks!"

*1 week later*

Person: "Hey Xiaxue I emailed you my pictures, got them?"

Me: "Sure..."

Person: "Oh, and are you done?"

Me: "Sure..."

Person: "Then can you send them back to me?"

Me: "Sure..."

Person: "Hey there is no difference leh, how? Can you photoshop them for me again, this time stronger?"

Me: "Sure..."

*repeat process till Person gets the meaning THAT I DO NOT DO FREE PHOTOSHOP FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT MY FRIENDS, SUCKER!*

So anyway.

What has the whole Mensa and "sure..." chunk got to do with "B.F", you ask.

I wanted to say that I went to the flea market and only bought two books. The other book, in stark contrast to the Mensa one (hey I have finished all the puzzles before I blog this now at 4.44am! Alas, the irregular hours of unemployment) is ....



Yay! One of my favourite childhood books! I, erm, am not so juvenile ok! I, er, bought the book for ... for ... yes! my brother! Who else would read such childish books?

Oh yeah, let's put Weili at the end of this boring blog entry.



That's him in front of his store in the flea market! That bugger happened to be there selling stuff too (including the oven glove, yes)! He earned $80 and said it is not worth his time. $80 is ok, what! So greedy, hor?

p/s: Dyeing my hair today! Take pictures show everyone later because I am a mei nu and everyone loves me. =)

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Will someone just buy me those jeans!

Woah! How did my Friday go, you ask.

Those of you at Zouk! Now is possibly about the time you are waiting for that cab home, after some funky dancing and having the time of your life in skimpy glamourous clothing, AND SERVE YOU RIGHT FOR HAVING A LIFE IT IS POURING CAT AND DONKEYS! HA HA HA HA HA!

Whilst (notice I used whilst while I could have used while) I am at home, smug and comfy, thinking about how you are so cold and wet. And possibly shagging someone you picked up from the from the club. WITH SYPHILLIS!

Muahahha.

Man I just love singledom.

Actually, I had a relatively eventful day today.

First off, I met up with the producer of Get Rea!, and had a nice long chat with him. Actually, don't you think that after meeting a bout of people whom you are very superficial to(uninteresting small talk and so on), you will finally meet someone who communicates on the same wavelength as you, and then you feel deeply gratified that you are not alone in the world?

Well Mr. Producer was one of those people. Nice. =) It's been long since I last found someone with a sense of humour similar to mine.

So anyway, better stop licking his boots or people might think I did that to get on Get Rea!. HA HA HA Yes they are interviewing me!! So fun right?

Filming on Tuesday!

Back to my interesting Friday. After meeting Mr Producer, I met Eileen, who wanted to, erm, introduce this cute guy to me.

The first thing she did when she saw me was to inform me that my bag is hideous. I waved her comments off in a "I am superior to you and I don't need your fashion advice, bitch" manner.

She harped on the topic that my bag is ugly 18927474,97274 times.

And it finally occured to me that it is indeed fugly.

I would like to show you a picture of it but I am afraid you will turn into stone a la Medusa. That is how ugly is it. So here's a vivid desciption. It is deep red, made of velvet and sewn from a red piece of cloth and two straps by my mother.

Ugly enough? Yes.

So, because I am supposed to meet a cute guy later, I had to get rid of the bag. And I bought this on impulse.



Not very pretty either, but the ugliness of the bag grew so much on me that I CANNOT STAND IT ANYMORE!

BOOM!

Outside my house got lightning. =(




I suddenly decided I got no mood to continue blogging, so I shall just end here with some pictures of my ass.

Speaking of ass, isn't it very sad to have something which is very nice, but does not see daylight?

I mean seriously, if I were to have a very nice nose, which I will have after my plastic surgery (which is after I get employed), I assume that strangers walking pass me would go like, "Miss, you have a very nice nose!" and I would be like, "Whoop! Hell yeah!" and then proceed to rub my straight nose bridge a little and decide to myself it is worth it to have a nice nose - since people can see it.

What about if I have very nice breasts (which since you can't see it I shall say I do!)? Can I tell my crush, "Hey look here darling! *flash breasts* Nice?"

Crush (nosebleeding), "Hell yeah!"

And he proceeds to fall deeply in love with me because of my blossoming assets. We live happily ever after.

BUT NO!

I cannot do that! Because I just can't! How exasperating!

What about men with very long members?

Can they tell their crush, "Hey girl, wanna have sex with me? My dick is like damn long!" The girl will look at him with disgust and never can he ever expect to touch her with a ten inch, I mean, ten foot, pole.

I expect this is the reason why people flash. Flash as in show strangers their genitals. Because they feel very exasperated that such well endowed assets are not flaunted to the world in their full glory.

I had this Thai worker who flashed at me once when I was waiting for my lift. I think I related this story before but let's do it again.

So, it was 11pm. I was waiting outside my lift with this young Thai worker guy.

While the lift was taking a long time to arrive, he left the waiting area to go to the back of the lift. This is where, I assume, he went to get himself erected.

The lift arrived, and he was not back yet. The naive me thought he had gone to take his letters, but I sort of forgot he was waiting for the lift too. I entered the lift and pressed 'close'.

Then I heard his urgent footsteps approaching.

Being the nice, considerate girl I am, I opened the lift door for him to come in, when it was already almost 90% closed.

Big mistake.

He stood outside the lift, pulled out his dick from his shorts, and amazingly at the same time stuck out his tongue at me. In a rather playful manner. And then while I frantically pressed door close, sprinted away.

Now whenever I relate this story, there would be a few typical reactions.

1) Laugh at the size of his small genitals lah, Wendy!

I cannot do that, because it is like 9 inches long. I am not kidding. If you cut him off at the knees, you can call him a tripod. It is nothing to laugh at.

Besides, he could easily have a knife in his pocket, so don't do things like that, please, girls. Don't be childish.

2) Did it get you horny?

NOW I FEEL INFURIATED.

NO, IT DIDN'T FUCKING GET ME HORNY. I HATE HATE HATE guys who give me that fucking reaction. Which part of the story did they not fucking understand? It is fun, to be trapped in a lift, alone, with a man who is much stronger than me can easily overpower me and rape me?

Rape is never fun, or remotely arousing.

It is fucking scary. It doesn't matter if the fellow has a long dick or a flaccid one. It is not a matter to joke about. At all.

If you are one of those people who, in your mind, even harboured the thought that I was 'horny' when I saw that man half naked, I FUCKING HOPE YOUR DAUGHTER GETS RAPED. Then you can ask her if she was 'horny'. Man, I am so pissed.

Why are some guys so fuck-insensitive? Just because they get all excited when they see the female genitalia doesn't mean females react the same manner when they see the male version. In fact, we react pretty much opposite (when it is not our bf's or husband's or willing partners'). For obvious reasons. Duh.

Thank goodness, the third reaction (from men) would be ...

"Aiyoh, so dangerous! I shall send you to your doorstep next time lah."

Nice. This is how I would teach my son to behave in future to girls.




Oh shitty I digressed AGAIN!

Where was I? Pictures of ass yes.









Can someone please buy me this pair of Levi's jeans??! I am so infatuated with it! It is so damn lovely!!! Look at all the nice nice diamantes! (Isn't it girls?!?! Pictures taken at the Levi's girls' store in Lido where Future State used to be)

:(

But it is $189!

Almost 200 bucks for a pair of jeans is ridiculous, unless u are so rich you drive a Bentley! In which if you do, you should really share your wealth with the poor sometimes! Surely a young girl's happiness is worthy of some small change to you?

I want it!!!

If you buy it for me I will love you forever. Pretty please?

(No I am not soliciting for sex you perverts go wank to your sister's cheerleading pictures.)

I SHALL WORK HARD AND BUY THE JEANS MYSELF! HMPF. I must jia you!!! =)

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Let me update on what I have been doing recently!

Pulau Ubin

I don't know what got into Weili, but he decided to have sex with me. Ha! Kidding. He decided to go to Ubin to cycle. With Wanyi and I.

Undaunted by the multiple deaths reported, I decided to give Ubin a chance to redeem itself.

So we went cycling!! It was really quite good, except, as Wanyi mentioned in her blog, I fell SPLAT on to the ground around 10 minutes into the cycling.

AND IT IS NOT MY FAULT!

I am very short. And so I cannot really mount a bike properly, let alone dismount it when it is moving fast. So anyway, the front wheel sort of tripped down this steep ledge on the road and the bike toppled sideways in a dangerous manner.

So long have I not touched a bike that I sort of forgot that squeezing the front brake propels the bike forward; I committed that grave mistake.

I gracelessly fell spread-eagle on to the rough floor, knees first, then palms and subsequently even my chin! Oh woe is me! Why me? Why the kerb?

Weili and Wanyi tried to mask their amusement through mock concern ("Aiyo you ok not??") BUT I SAW THROUGH THEIR EVILNESS!



LOOK HOW HAPPY THEY ARE!

Ok la to be fair to them the picture was taken BEFORE we went to Ubin.

Speaking about 'before we went to Ubin', the horrible Weili actually told me to bring my passport with me, mumbling something about Ubin being part Malaysia property. Wanyi was let into the scheme and the duo deceived me!

When we set foot into Ubin, I was promptly told by evil Weili to take out my passport and stamp it at the visitor's kiosk.

Weili even had the guts to ask me to pose with my red passport for a photo.

The Ubin-ers looked on in puzzlement. Why is this girl trying to stamp her passport here?

Man am I gullible. I will never believe you again Weili!

You want photos?


The jetty!


On the boat, leaving for Ubin!




And guess what? This is how far I went before my camera's batteries died on me.

And therefore, to make my sadly anticipating blogders slightly happier, I shall bestow upon you a photo of the ulu Ubin people!



Please look at the old uncle holding his grandchild! They are so rural I bet the kid plays with marbles and the old grandpa smokes opium! Woah! The kid is in matching pasar malam styled orange outfits!

Who am I kidding. The young man in the background speaking on his cellphone gives it away. We were still in Singapore when the picture was taken. Ubin-ers? Mobile phones are unnecessary because the island is so small that everyone is a holler away!

**************************************



I crashed Wong's law lecture!

Oh the nerve, the audacity of me!

First off, to prevent any misunderstandings, I crashed a certain Property Law lecture without Wong's participation in it at all. That's right! She was just as shocked as the rest of the theatre to see me there. In fact, she told me that it is wrong and unethical to crash her law lecture because I am not a worthy law student as approved by the National University of Singapore, and each lecture costs $57.

Ah, I tan dio $57 ok!

Back to Wong.

Wong tried to uphold justice by repeatedly telling me not to enter. When I did not heed her advice, she roared and stabbed me in the thigh area with a fake Mont Blanc pen she bought from China.

I said to her, "Shit you lah, that hurts! Fuck, I am bleeding! What did you do that for dude?"

Wong: "YOU MAY NOT PASS!" (This is supposed to spoof Gandalf you twit)

Me: "A BLEEDING THIGH WILL NOT STOP ME! MUAHAHAHHAHA!"

Wong gave up finally, extracted her 'Mont Blanc' (snigger) from the depths of my thigh and bandaged me up very badly.

She kindly asked me if I would like some chicken chop before we enter the exciting lecture.

I hmpf-ed at her.

I then looked through the business canteen and found a mouth watering picture of "pork rib noodles". Please imagine that the picture had yellow thin noodles a la Wanton mee with oyster sauce and some veggies at the side placed nicely on an oval shaped plate. The usual place where the char siew are is replaced by yummy pork ribs.

I ordered this dish and man was I disappointed.



This is how it looks like after I decided I cannot consume more of this trash.

The mee, a supposedly dry dish, is now in hot soup! The mee, a yellow maggi kind as shown in that damn picture, is now WHITE! The uncle had the nerve to tell me, when I kindly informed him this is not what I paid for, that 'soup is good' as 'I WILL HAVE MORE SAUCE TO DRINK'!

How ridiculous is that?

I asked Wong if I can sue for deceptive advertising and she asked me to stop thinking of suing everyone. I think she just doesn't know the answer coz she is a lousy law student.



Here is a photo of Wong reading the papers and gloating at my bad choice of foot. Food. Paiseh.

You may be asking at this point of time, why the covering up of Wong's face Xiaxue?

That is because I do not want the whole law fac's guys to pester her to give them my number. I am very desirable remember? *smirks* (The actual reason is that in case some NUS lecturer decides to punish me for crashing, at least Wong will be safe - unless they click on Character Intro for Wong's real pic, which I have also changed to a chimpanzee's for the time being.)

Then you may be asking at this point of time, why a footprint, Xiaxue? Why not the usual mosaic?

Ah, because photoshop has a picture of a footprint and it is nicer than the mosaic.

Then you may yet be asking at this point of time, why that violent shade of lime green, Xiaxue?

Ah, because lime green suits footprints, you think?


I excitedly limped into the lecture hall (the bitch stabbed my thigh remember?) and retreated into a quiet corner.

Wong was greeted by a few people who will be rich in future while I pretended to not exist (a tough feat since my thigh was starting to spasm uncontrollably).

I expected the lecture to be an exchange of lively banter between motivated and articulate law students. I expected the lecturer to look like a property agent and cross examine poor students like in "to kill a mocking bird". I expected the students to debate angrily among themselves whether or not the plaintiff deserved some bona fide (throwing in random latin words I don't know). I expected sarcastic remarks embossed by well-chosen words spewing across the courtroom-styled lecture hall.

Man am I disappointed.

Non of the above happened.

All the law students did was to type in their pretty iMacs and "toshies" (as Wong reminded me they called Toshiba laptops) long word documents about what the lecturer says. Some of them even had MSN chats going on as early as 9am (possibly with coursemates, I reminded myself. Maybe even coursemates who didn't attend the lecture. Maybe the absent coursemate is at home while the present coursemate turns on the audio conversation. This way the absent coursemate can be "attending the lecture". This can even be completed with a webcam if the absent coursemate wants to see the lecturer! Am I brilliant? Oh yes I am!).

Digressing, the girl in front of me had her MSN chat's words in dark purple. I don't understand why so many people choose that colour for their MSN font! Why purple of the many colours? Don't you think that a lot of people use that colour? Come to think of it, you use that colour too, don't you?

I downloaded Messenger Shell, and add-on.

See what it can do?



Buahahahaha! This is how big the picture can be! SCARY RIGHT! I love it! I shall impose my big photos on everyone!

Shit I digressed!

Back to the lecturer.

Wong's lecturer actually used the words "whilst", "i.e", and "insofar" IN SPEECH! Can YOU BELIEVE IT?? I have never thought anyone would speak like they write!

WHILST! I.E! INSOFAR! I shall try to speak these words more often as it makes me sound intellectual, yes?

Eh! I didn't sleep in the lecture! I learnt something: A legal interest is good against the whole world. Wow! Li hai ba? You must be so impressed by me now. Otherwise, I don't think I caught anything else, sadly speaking.

Speaking of intellect ...



I've decided to test my IQ by paying Mensa $50 despite my being unemployed! If I manage to get in (I have an RV classmate who was a member and if he can get in I think I stand a chance), I will ...

1) Haolian my mensa card every time by pretending to let it drop out of my wallet. Oops!

2) Have people call me Mensan Wendy (in a reverent tone no less) not unlike how we are forced to call doctors Doctor Cheng or priests Father Poh etc. You can call me Mn. Wendy for short.

3)Include a zerox of the cert in my resume so my net worth as an individual is higher.

4) Use the card to smack dumb people across the face when they speak to me, to let them know that they are unworthy of my attention.

If I don't get in (a very likely case as only people with 148 and above get in), I will either pretend I didn't go take the test or delete this small portion. =)





Wow! So intimidating right? I SHALL GO IN!

And what do I see?



Law books!



More law books!



MORE!



ENOUGH!


I was startled to receive a mail from someone who was 12 (!) and taking her PSLE and therefore, I conclude that my readers range from 12 to 50 (my mum's friend who told my mum my blog has too many f-words and hence caused an unhappy family dispute must be around that menopausing age).

The range of blogders from 12 to 18 (or 20 for guys) must be curious. How does NUS look like?

Oh, it is very hot in there.

*hums*

But look, even the dustbins appear superior!



School notice boards!


Whats that circled in lime green?



Aiyoh why got Dalai Lama? Wong likes the Dalai Lama, see how happy she is?

*****************************************

More miscellaneous things:



Bought a new phone, Samsung's E700A, second-hand from Yahoo Auctions, at $420. Now I can shoot what I love, love, love, love, love!



Samsung very ridiculous one leh. Why are the numbers so GODDAMN big?!! I bet even the blind girl in The Village can view the numbers clearly. So kua zhang.



KTV with Weili, Wanyi and Eekean. Try as I might, I cannot look like the shu nu in the MTV. Why? Is it the Rolex? Shu nus do not wear Rolexs do they?

Or maybe the ugly blonde hair with the black roots (dyeing on Monday, quit bitching)? I can change that!



Tadah! I am a shu nu!



Oh yes I am a shu nu! Oops! Hair!



Silver can or not. Like Jap anime! Gatsby Gatsby aijsdjahdahf ma sho! Gatsby gatsby!

*



Woah! Who is this ah lian RV girl?

Xiaxue lor. Cannot make it sia. Looks like those "before" of the slimming ads.

"My name is Wendy, and before Xando came in my life, I was teased by all my friends. Even my boyfriend said I look like a fat ass and he really doesn't want to fuck me. But look! Now with Xando, I lost 54 kg in 2 days and I feel beautiful! I can now eat what I like and still have a svelte figure. My friends no longer call me "fei mei"! Xando, my saviour."

Why am I doing this instead of sleeping??!??!?!?!

Author's note: Yes, I know it is not the Dalai Lama but the Syed Baba or something. Quit emailing me! It is not not my fault that he is so similar to the Dalai Lama. Ok ok, the Dalai Lama usually wears a pointy hat, but how would I know that it is not an afro under the hat? Anyway, if you ask me, the Baba should not market himself in this manner! DIFFERIATION OF PRODUCTS! Did his publicist ever study marketing or not! HE SHOULD NOT LOOK LIKE THE LAMA~!

Since you cannot blame me (and I don't blame myself) for the mistake, I am not bothering to change it. He does look like the lama. He should be wearing different coloured clothes if he doesnt want people to make that mistake. Even Lindsey Lohan made her tits bigger to look different from Hillary Duff. (Seriously, I always thought this fellow was the Dalai Lama.)

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Why should entries have titles anyway? They are not articles, they are journal entries!

BAH!

UNEMPLOYMENT!

I AM SO BORED AT HOME!

A mei nu like me should not be staying at home rotting and waiting for Wanyi's com to finish hanging before she can play Solitaire Showdown with me! IT IS A WASTE OF MY MEI-ness!

I AM A MEI NU OK!

You know what mei nus (like me or slightly less than my ridiculously high standards) should be doing?

They should be sipping champagne in pretty little yachts just because! Because! They are mei!

They should be having a backrub by long-dicked nymphs (nymphs can be male not?) who gaze upon their ravishing beauty and kiss them occasionally upon their smooth slender necks to remind them gently of how mei they are!

To remind me a little more fiercely, I should be getting men all opening their wallets to splash me with diamonds, dollar notes and precious stones because they all wanna shag me and have my genes given to their little kids!

BUT ALAS!

What am I doing at home????

I am sitting in front of the computer, disheveled, slightly smelly, beautiful curly hair still in their buns and curled for nothing, AND IN A BIG TWEETY PYJAMAS while my youth goes to waste! In fact, why am I sitting here like that when I should be giving birth to pretty babies?! A lady of my magnificence and tender age should not be at Teban Gardens rotting!

*FLASH -AFRICA!* A nubile young woman of 20, she balances her 5 month old baby on her hip while she washs her hair in the nearby river. Not an easy ordeal as the water is yellow with jaundice and she doesn't want her baby looking like a Chinese if it touches the water. Just as she is getting into the act, a young man comes by with a spear in hand, his limps scratched and bleeding from the fight with the resident lion just now. He runs towards her while she looks on, slightly bored and irritated. CAN'T ANYONE WASH THEIR HAIR IN PEACE NOWADAYS? He pushes her on the ground and has 10 minutes of raw sex with her; she didn't even bother to pretend like she enjoyed it. He leaves. She washes hair, pheramones active. The sperms swim fast towards her egg and fertilised it. Meanwhile, the forgotten 5 month old baby had drowned in the river. Oops.

OH WOE IS ME!

WHOOP!

Good news (and bad for you)! I am informed that Weili is free to watch show with me! I am now superior to you who is stuck at home! Ha ha ha ha! I am gonna get rid of my smelliness and tweety bird pjs (from pasar malam no less) and oil my curls to their usual brilliance and GO OUT and flaunt my beauty! WAHAHHAHA!

Meanwhile, I shall end this ridiculous blog entry here!

But hor, you know what? I feel very comfortable writing this (more than I have felt in a long time) because I know that there wouldn't be any comments!

NO COMMENTS = GOOD!

I have decided not to have comments on my blog anymore because I am tired of rebuking. Say if someone accuses me here, I have to defend myself because I don't want everyone else to believe what the fucker said. Now, if I get hatemail, I don't have to explain myself to anyone who doesn't have a sense of humour, and I can just CLICK and delete it away from my kickass Gmail account!

No one else will read the fucker's words! Yay!

Am I a beautiful selfish bitch or what?

MORE HAPPY BLOGGING TONIGHT when I get back! Not happy issit? Email me. LALALA

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Just a piece of metal

Some one year ago, I found that I was in love.

With this!



Somehow only the red version seems to be omninescent (can't spell this word) but the Topaz Gold one unavailable.

After some futile searching, Jealous June announced to me excitedly that she found the phone, sold at $485, at a mobile shop at Bedok, second hand!

I excitedly bought the phone.

Woah, diamonds! So pretty =)

*


Today, I went out with my brother and Wong the Lawyer. The former to see a doctor for his fever (and zits - man he is growing), and the latter to book my basic theory test with(what good is my SLK without a license to drive it?) and shop after that.

My brother, who is 11 this year and a gameboy advance addict, accompanied me to Bukit Batok Driving Centre after seeing the doctor.

Later on, Wong and I decided to go to City Hall to shop, and it is a little silly to ask Clinton to tag along with us as he would be so sian with us/we cannot crack dirty jokes/he is having a fever.

(digressing, yes my brother is called Clinton. And yes, his name is chosen before Bill Clinton's embarrassing affair. And yes, I am very glad I am not called Monica, for it would seem like I am incestuous with my bro. And yes, if I were called Monica and my surname is Cheng it would have the double effect of sounding like Mo ni ca Cheng, hokkien for touching one's bum. And yes, I am pretty glad that my bro is not called Peter and our surnames are not Pan either. KNN)

So I told Clinton to take one of my phones with him (I have two phone lines) so that at least if he is lost I can still contact him. We left him at Jurong East to take a bus home.

I gave him the T500, shown above.

Predictably, the silly git lost it. He dropped it on the bus seat because he was sleeping and predictably, the phone fell out of his pocket.

My mum called me as I was shopping with an innocent Wong.

"Girl, di di dropped your phone on the bus leh. I already called the bus interchange to try to get it back."

"WHAT?!"

"HOW CAN HE DO THAT?!"

Eekean jumped.

I proceeded to give my bro a call to holler at him.

"WHY DID YOU DROP THE PHONE??! How can you do that? So careless!"

"No, because I sleep then when I wake up it is gone ... "

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK IN THAT TONE TO ME?! Like it is not your fault now is it? Whose fault is it that it disappeared?"

"Mine."

"THEN? Why you speak in that indignant tone?!"

"I feel and discover that the phone is gone then I tried to run back and chase the bus," he mumbled. "But then when I run I got a stitch and it was very painful so I fell down."

Heh. I didn't know what to say. And I cannot just stop hollering like that because it is very out of style so I continued to yell at him (anyway I had to vent my anger on someone) although I felt quite bad that he fell down.

"I don't care what happened after you lose it, you shouldn't have left it on the bus in the first place!"

*awkward silence*

"So what you gonna do about it?"

"I will pay you with my bank's angpow money."

"Yeah, like you got enough money to pay! You think money can buy back the same phone?"

*awkward silence*

"HIYAH NEVER MIND LAH!"

*kup phone on bro*


************


My mum messaged me on my singtel line later on.

"I will pay $300 for your phone please don't be angry with him anymore."




This one little sentence had a tidal effect on me.

Untangling the emotions, this is possibly what I felt:

1) Injustice at being made to sound like I AM THE EVIL GUY HERE and my brother is the victim.
2) Huge pang of jealousy for my mum's protectiveness over him as if he were still a fragile kid.
3) Guilt for my brother's misery (the parts caused by my yelling anyway).


Wong supplied, "Hiyah, then what do you expect her to do?"

True enough.

******************


Later on after asking my mum how come she make it sound like he did nothing wrong and I am the one making him miserable instead of him me, she said he thoroughly deserved the scolding (I felt slightly better) but she also ...

1) Saw that he was sobbing when she reached home ...


and the super kua zhang (exaggerated):


2) Was digging his piggy bank for cash to buy a new phone for me.


**************


I feel so guilty I almost died.

It became clear lah. I was stupid, I was. The phone is just a piece of metal, and my brother is flesh and blood.

No point getting him all upset over a silly phone. I'll apologize to him tomorrow. All the medicine made him sleep by the time I reached home.


Meanwhile, any suggestions on what phone to get??? Seems like all the phones are so ugly nowadays. No, no 7610. Too expensive. Anything else?

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To hell with ugly people!

WAHAHAHHAHA! My blog title is so rude I almost cried reading it!! Don't you just want to slap me with a piece of freshly painted char siew?!

My dear blog readers, especially those pioneering ones who has been here since Eddy era, I wanna say something:

I AM SORRY!!

No lah, really lah. You know why? Coz I just realised what a horrible person I am. You guys, most of you anyway, have always been very nice and supportive of what I do. Instead of being appreciative and kind-hearted to you all, I chose to focus on the cynical, rude people and somehow managed to convince myself *gasp* that my READERS ARE ALL EVIL!

When in actual fact I should not be giving any attention to these people who are delibrately stabbing me! They deserve ignoring. My attention should be given, in the form of gratitude, to those who wrote me such wondrous encouragements and those who were by my side all the while!

You know what my blogders? I am such a horrible person. I am also a little schizophrenic lah. I sometimes think, wow, I am quite lucky hor, to get people supporting me. AND THEN THAT EVIL LITTLE VOICE IN MY HEAD, the one that sounds like Ben Stiller in Dodgeball, will holler over the kindred voice in a menacing matter and say, "TO HELL WITH THAT XIAXUE! YOU WRITE WELL! YOU EARNED ALL OF YOUR READERS YOURSELF KNN!!"

Yes, complete with the 'kannina'.

But no no no ... No one is obligated to be nice to me. I cannot think that way! It's wrong and I am a nice person!

I am in fact very very privileged to have blogders being supportive of me. =)

Damn, I wouldn't even have so many guys trying to ask me for sex! (if that is a good thing at all)

I shall stop being a fucking arrogant whore and acknowledge that it is my blogders who made me who I am today. (At this point of time please imagine me flashing a wide smile to you).

No lah, this is not PR, really. C'mon, I admitted I am a selfish whore, how can that possibly be PR?

SO ... you are possibly thinking you did nothing much by just reading me, can I please move on to why I ask ugly people to go to hell?

Sure.


Let me admit something to you:

The title is irrelevant to the topic/s of the day!

MUAHAHAHAHA! It is to attract attention! It is just to make ugly people angry! Aha aha ahahaha!

Come to think of it, I do have an "ugly" story to tell.

First of all let me put a disclaimer. You ask furiously, "Do you discriminate against ugly people Xiaxue?"

If I were a plastic surgeon I would say yes, please come and I will help you, but pay me GOOD $$$$ first! But since I am just a blogger, I would say no. Why no? Because I am definitely not good looking myself (although that does not necessarily mean I cannot discriminate ugly people but please let it pass). What? You think I am pretty? Oh man, do not believe anything in the virtual world! Whatever makes you think I am not some fat bastard typing this? In actual fact the point is that ugly people do not affect me and some of them are actually rich, so they are ok.

So anyway.

There was this once I was at Jurong East MRT and I saw this ugly couple. OH MAN! I know it! Some holy people (possibly people who sincerely believe that "there is some good in everyone". Screw that. I know some people who are JUST made solely out of evilness, wanna intro?) out there will be saying "Who are you to judge who is ugly and who is pretty, Xiaxue?". Oh STFU I say. TRUST ME, THEY ARE UGLY. *nods head violently*

Shianux and I had this argument once and we agreed that although there is no universal standards for being good-looking, there IS a sort of universal standard for, erm, ugliness. For example, no offence to people with lumps, people with lumps are ... definitely not sexy.

Back to the ugly couple. Let me vividly describe how they look like. The man is a lanky thing with thick, thick spectacles. He was carrying a huge haversack and was wearing exactly what you imagine (OMG, how do these people do that?!).

Are you already equipped with a mental picture of him?

Here we go: Checkered blue shirt? *ding!* Long, ironed black pants slightly too short for his long legs? *ding!* Blue pre-presto Nike sports shoes? *ding!*

May I also add that he has a receding hairline and a relatively pimple-scarred face? Oh yes, with an underbite too.

I imagine he is a technician.

If you think that man came out of the eighties, wait till you see the terror clung on to his arm like a starved leech.

A short, thick-set lady in clothes too small for her, she has this permanently unpleasant look on her face - like she just swallowed something revolting. And swallowed again. And again. You read The Order Of The Phoenix? Yes, she looks totally like how I imagine Professor Umbridge to look like. Her face had this "punched in" look about it, and her eyes are semi-protruding and beady.

This lady was holding on to the technician's elbow for dear life, and one can only presume that they were a couple. THE HORRORS! THE KIDS! THE SEX! OMG THE SEX!

Technician guy was walking unhappily alongside this obese lady (about 2 heads shorter than him) and CALAMITY STRIKES HIM.

His 8210 began to ring.

He picked it up, and in my point of view, spoke in a rather business-like manner. His girlfriend stared up at him with her beady eyes laced with suspicion, and 20 secs into his speech, started barking incessantly at him to ask him who it was.

I wanted to slap her but I thought her eyes might pop out and spurt on my face.

Ahem.

Clearly it was a business phone call and he ignored her and turned a little in the opposite direction.

He continued ignoring her, which was a bad move because she continued barking louder and louder. Finally, while the man was concluding his business call with a plastic grin, she decided to fold her arms and sulk in a totally unappealing manner. Well, at least she stopped talking.

Bless them for coming out in public.

The guy kept his 8210 back into his haversack and realised that his girlfriend is no longer standing beside him. He looked over his shoulder and realised she had stayed put from the moment she begin sulking, and was determindedly looking at the floor.

He sighed, I presume, not because he is concerned over how upset she is but over the fact that people are beginning to stare at her.

Man, she is ugly.

Look, I cannot help it. As I look upon this scene, she looked so grouchy that her ugliness seemed to be magnified a million times. While she radiated and exuded ugliness with all her might, all the flowers within a ten mile radius withered and somewhere, a puppy is being tortured.

The courageous man walked towards her, braving the strong waves of ugliness, exasperation written on every scar on his face.

They begin conversing in rapid Chinese. The lady started asking him who it was. Yes, I heard everything because I was sitting down very close to where the sulky lady chose to stand.

Apparently somebody from his office had called, and she doesn't even know whether it is male or female when she started to get paranoid. When she realised it is indeed female, she pressed on about who she is, refusing to move on.

The guy, a quiet, nervous type, managed to convince her that that was just a business call and nothing else. She said, "Make sure it stays that way!" and decided that she is pacified.

MY SWEET LORD.

What on Earth is wrong with that old fucker? Seriously speaking, what's the point of being attached to an ugly git if you still feel insecure? Hello, if she dated Tay Ping Hui, then naturally she would wonder every minute whether he has succumbed to some random fan's sexual tantalizations.

BUT LOOK AT THE TWERP SHE HAS FOR A BF!

Nobody wants him lah HELLO!?! WAKE UP YOUR IDEA - HE IS UGLY LIKE FUCK! If the girl on the line heard how she reacted, she WOULD LAUGH CAN? I say, make up your mind lah lady. It is quite obvious that if he could get someone better, he would have dumped you straightaway. I would. And since it is quite obvious he cannot get someone better, why worry?

I HAVE NO PATIENCE for people like that. If you lose your guy to a third party, it is no one's fault but YOUR OWN. Why not go do some self-examination? Is it your breasts? Are they too small? Or is the other girl willing to do fabulous blowjobs while you only did 5 in five years (and not swallowing too!)?

I say girls - instead of being siao like that ugly lady, just go improve your attitude towards your guys lah, and shut up about breaking up too.

I am so sick of people saying they want to break up and do not do it. When you ask them the next day, "What did he say about the break up?", they look determindedly away and mumble that they didn't break up after all. When you ask "Why?", they give you a patronising nonsensical answer like "Hiyah, like that lor".

ALL GO DIE!

I am sick and tired of being a relationship consultant. People PRETEND to listen to my advice, and the next day they continue, in some cases, to be abused by their partners - and gimme that same patronising statement. WHY ASK ME IN THE FIRST PLACE? Don't lah! Just don't break up! Don't even think about it, YOU WILL NOT DO IT!

Anyway, you will never guess where my mum is right now:

SUICIDE MISSION. 2am (make it 2:50am now as I vet this), and she is somewhere, stopping this simpering (yet another) female fucker who threatened suicide because of bloody relationship problems.

MY MUM HAS TO FUCKING WORK TOMORROW IN THE MORNING. CAN YOU STOP DEPRIVING HER OF HER SLEEP BECAUSE OF YOUR FUCKING CHILDISH ANTICS?

You know what I think of such people? I think they should JUST DIE. They want to die right? Sure! Who are we to stop them from doing things they want to do? It's their life!

But does this girl sincerely want to die?

NO!

Time and again she calls my mum (thank god for free incoming) and my mum counsels her, patiently repeating the same things over and over again. Even I can memorise the speech. But does she listen? NO! She WANTS, she CHOOSES, to wallow in self-pity!

Oooh I am so miserable why doesnt he love me anymore my life is all about him blah blah yadda yadda YEAH BITCH WHY DON'T YOU GO RUN YOURSELF OVER WITH A BULLDOZER AND STOP MAKING MY MUM MAKE ME DO THE LAUNDRY BECAUSE SHE IS SO TIRED AFTER LISTENING TO YOUR BULLSHIT FOR FIVE HOURS?!

These pathetic people just want ATTENTION. In their miserable existence they are not getting enough from their lovers because, as abovementioned, they are just losers. So they weep around, hoping that their "friends" will show concern for them. Tell you what, tearduct: Your friends are all sick and tired of you. Just go and die.

But ho ho ho! How are u supposed to die if you expressly ask your 'friends' to come rescue you?

If she wants to die, just jump off lah. Why must she inform everyone? Why is she waiting for them to come to her? Just ... plop! There you go, off to heaven where people might actually appreciate you!

Oh, I know what the whiner wants my mum to do! She wants my mum to go over to her place, with her LOVER in toil. She then hopes that the star-crossed lover will see her in a horrible state without him, preferably with some bleeding wrists and a tear-strained face.

I don't understand why some females are so fuck-stupid. Whatever makes them think the guy will come back to them if they behave like this? GUYS HAVE COMMITMENT PHOBIA! They are terrified that they will never be able to leave you (ever!) if you threaten suicide everytime he goes to the loo for 5 minutes of solitaire. They will come back for a short while and buay tahan and leave; and then you commit suicide again.

I hope you succeed this time round.

If you don't, the guy will be driven crazy and he turns necrophilic. It is all YOUR fault that they world has perverts.

Anyway, back to the girl who just wouldn't die. (I hope to see her on the papers tomorrow. Oops? Cruel is it? Too bad, I told you I have no patience for depressed people - esp those depressed over trivial RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS)

She just hopes that my mum will bring her lover to her, and, in the optimum situation, they kiss and make up. My mum will then fade into the background, a healthy glow and hearty smile on her face because she has helped a couple get back together.

SHE WISH.

That will NOT happen, and she is troubling my mum FOR NOTHING. My mum is doing this shitwork out of goodwill - and as far as I know she is not even a good friend of my mum's and has never benefited my mum in any way.

What a raw deal mommy is getting! You save the fellow's life and I bet she will not be there when my mum ever needs her as a friend. Why? Coz she is busy screwing some other person who will finally cause her to commit suicide all over again. OOPS! Did I say 'commit suicide'? My bad - 'commit suicide again' is oxymoronic. I meant to say 'pretend to commit suicide'.

In fact, I told my mum just now, before she wasted goddamn petrol and sleep on this possibly dead person (this is the 3rd time she is making my mum rush out like this so I highly doubt she will die, but wish me luck), just ignore her and she will learn to grow up and accept life lah!

In fact, I even suggested to my mum that she can make me some pancakes as I am hungry. Surely making pancakes for her daughter is more important than saving a determinded suicider?

My mum gave me this "Don't be selfish" look and sped off.


ALAS. Someone give my mum a nobel prize.




******************************

I've just been at a forum where someone said his favourite blog entry of mine was on the 16th of May, 2003.

I checked and realised it is the blog entry where I stated all my molest cases. What a weird favourite. Never mind that.

And I continued reading the blog, and realised that somewhere in transition, I SEEM TO HAVE LOSE MY SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!

How come last time write until so funny! S-O-H, please come back to me!!!


I know liao lah. Coz I was a happy person then. Really. I used to smile when I am writing, which is why the entries all sound quite happy - I think.

And also because I feel so much less restricted. I HATE IT! I hate it when so many people say: "Siao, like that also can be best Singaporean Blog ah?"

So to live up to that name, I cannot write about nonsense anymore.

But well, blogder Cedric reminded me yesterday that it is very obvious when I am writing for an audience and when I write for myself. In this case, I shall boh chup and write whatever comes from the heart in future! So what if this entry will let me have hate mails from depressed suicidal girls and their friends? Who cares? It's my opinion and it's not about to change.

Oh yeah. Someone just told me recently, "Wendy, keep your opinions to yourself - nobody wants to hear them."

Quite the contrary from what I see from my blog, but never mind. If you don't wanna read them, then just go away. Alas, what is wrong with the world?!

Back to the happiness criteria ... Ah well, I have not really been a happy individual these few weeks I guess!

Work problems. But that is ok! I have just resigned from my job.

Yes, I AM OFFICIALLY UNEMPLOYED. You've got any job offers to intro to me? Please email me at xiaxue@gmail.com!

Hurray for blogders! To celebrate this newfound freedom, I shall blog till I die of finger cramps! Another blog entry coming up soon. =)

Updated: Blogger couldn't be opened yesterday night so this entry is only published now (4:14pm, Sept 30th)

Author's Note: Fine, I will take out the City Harvest part, although my opinion remains. And NO, I do not have to account to you about my opinions. If you cannot take it, go read some other demure blog. Plenty of those out there the last I heard.

I maintain that I do not have ANY patience for suicidal people. If they meet some trauma and turn depressed, I WILL BE THERE AS A FRIEND, no problem. But in my mum's case the fellow has been suicidal for 3 months at least. Enough is enough. If she refuses to recover, then just go die and stop bothering everyone.

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