We brave the terror that's Yangtze

That day I got onto a cab and told my cabbie, "Uncle, Yangtze cinema!" and he looked at me quizzically.

I blushed immediately and jumped into self-defense mode, saying, "I'm just going there to watch a movie with my friends!"

Eh, apparently the uncle just didn't know his way... -_-

Anyway, to those of you who are unfamiliar with Yangtze cinemas, it just about happens to be like the last of the olden cinemas, where movie posters are painted instead of printed, and flooring is wooden instead of carpeted.

You'll possibly notice it if you go to Chinatown.

The majority of young people nowadays can't be bothered about Yangtze (called YT for short from now on) coz it only screens bloody RA shows with damn cheesy names and only lao ti kos (dirty old men) watch those movies.

My lecturer told me last time that these old men always bring umbrellas into the theatre. Most of us couldn't understand why, so we badgered her to tell us, but she just flush crimson and refused to say more...

Actually, up till today I still don't know... Is it coz they masturbate into the umbrella? Or they open up the umbrella to shield themselves?

Whatever.

So anyway, Wanyi and I have been talking about going to Yangtze to watch a show for a gazillion years, but Shuyin usually rejects us in her usual high pitched voice, saying it is "so er xin!" that the uncles wank into on the chairs, etc.

Which is true lar, but still, it's an experience of a lifetime man! I mean, I think YT will really close down soon, and we must catch it before it does!

That's me on the cab there... Sorry, I realy couldn't resist the urge to do major photoshop on the photo coz it looks so tak glam to take pictures in cabs. Haha!

We decided it's not really safe so we go Zhengchang and Alvin to go with us.

Shuyin saw a movie title on the papers and we decided to watch that...

GUESS WHAT IT'S CALLED??

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WOMB RAIDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fucking funny! Be careful, or I will raid your womb! Muahaha!

Had to don on a jacket, Alvin Lam says I look like a prostitute and will get approached by old men. Bleah!

Actually, my reaction to that was that it would be great! Then I can put on a fake China accent and charge them $10,000 for squeezing a boob of mine. Haha... See, I'm so addicted to blogging. I think getting approached by old men would be great blogging material.

We follow the dirty old men into the ticketing area... Water bottle? Teeheehee

Wanyi is very traumatized, but as you can see, Shuyin is very excited. She is lecherous. She is very excited about watching womb raiding, because she loves wombs.

BUAHAHA

Wah, raunchy!


Is that.... your uncle?!



Screwed looks promising for old wankers... like you.

Heeheehee... It was so exciting...! Exactly like how you imagined it, there were only middle aged uncles milling around.

Shuyin's grabbing her jacket coz she is scared a random uncle would go up to her and OPEN HER JACKET, shout, "GREAT TITS!" and then fondle them a bit while wanking happily. Heeheehee

We then shove the guys to go buy tickets...

while, as you can imagine, we giggled in the corner, laughing at the old men.

I told Zhengchang to pretend to be my photo subject, but actually, all I was shooting was the guys behind... :D

Alvin, buying tickets, "Can we not have anyone sit beside us please?"

Wow, look at the tickets!

Old school huh?!

We had to choose another movie coz Womb Raider was unavailable...

It is called "Er nai de qing ren"!!! LOL! Loosely translated, it means "the lover of the mistress". WTF!

In tagalog, it is called AngKABIT! Angkabit! So funny.

With this we go into the cinemas, the girls not wanting to touch anything...

You just kinda start wondering what all the yellowish stains are...

The theatre is really not as bad as we thought it might be! The seats are velvet and quite cleanish looking, and the theatre is just small, dark and dingy.

Oh yeah, the movie costs $8.50.

Story plot! This is damn funny.

The movie starts with this girl (great tits) fantasizing about fucking on the beach, and then we have this landlord guy, who owns like a big piece of land in Philippines.

He is wheelchair bound, and his wife is the fantasizing one, but he also has a nurse, who has to do physio-therapy on his legs, to get him to walk again.

The wife, being bored and all, begin exploring her husband's land, and found herself this stud who fucks her like in all her fantasies.

I don't know about people living in 3rd world countries, but MY sexual fantasies all involves high-tech rooms in pure white colours and various shiny brushed metal machines. Beautiful people would be milling around naked... except... heehee... they are all ROBOTS! We would be in this gigantic spaceship travelling at the speed of light...**

She, on the other hand, fantasizes about being screwed in a hay field, flower field, open sea, etc. You know, the old-school, cheap fantasies. (Mine are all over million $$ to produce)

HAY FIELD?? Bugs. I hate bugs. What if they crawl into your...

Ahem. As I was saying, so both of them screw other people, and this drags on for the longest time, and involves certain really dumb scenes such as the landlord actually shitting on his bed and the nurse cleaning him up...

On the white bed was an actual turd and a pool of brownish water around it. -_- That's about the most unsexual thing i've ever seen in my life.

I don't know about other girls, but if I see a man shit his pants I don't think I'd proceed to blow him. *roll eyes*

She's a great nurse.

There was this one scene, where the nurse bent over to mess with the bed sheets, and the landlord, man boobs in wheelchair and all, pinched her... erm, on the genitals. WHAHAHAAHAHA I TELL YOU HER EXPRESSION WAS CLASSIC.

It was half pain half agony...! The man looked on in perverted glee, and asked her, "WHO'S YOUR MASTER!?"

I believe she looked at his penis and answered him in a totally predictable answer.

Oh oh oh!!

WE SAW A GUY WANKING!

I mean, we didn't SEE him wank per se, but he was sitting in the row in front of us, and his head was bobbing up and down, his chin tilted up, and his mouth slightly agape.

If that's not wanking I don't know what is.

Oh and after a while, while we all were laughing at him, he erm, climaxed. It was so disgusting!!!

All around us we heard plastic bags tinkling and zips being unzipped. Worse of all, there was ACTUAL LOUD MOANING!!

Can you believe it?! I mean, moaning?! HELLO!? How much more indiscreet can you get?

And I tell you, the uncles there are EXPERTS. When the last sex scene ended, they exited the cinema, coz they knew the rest of the show would just waste their time.

Which is true. In case you are interested to know the ending of the show, there is this crazy looking half blind teen in the show, and his name is Nelson.

Nelson was a spy for both sides... Naturally the landlord was very unhappy when he found that his wife is cheating on him, so the wife told (and paid) Nelson to tell the landlord that she and her lover would elope at a certain time and place.

The landlord took his shotgun and went to the place, and shot who he thought would be the lover, but obviously... make a guess!... it was Nelson he shot dead.

Duh. Why would Nelson go to that place?!

So anyway, the wife met her lover at another place, the most irritating of all, the man refused to leave with her!

WTF! He wanted to stay on being a farmer or something!!

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE HE STAYS ON WHEN THE LANDLORD WOULD KILL HIM!? And after all that trouble he wants to stay!

It's crazy.

So well, the wife escapes by herself, and the landlord gets convicted... Flash to scene of the wife in the city, and whilst in an urban crowd, she once again fantasizes about fucking on a beach.

END OF STORY.

(Check out the high-waisted pants uncle. We saw him pull up his pants at the end of the show.)

**I was kidding about the fantasy part

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Candy Floss Retro

This is a rather pointless entry except for a deluge of photos.

Anyway, I just dyed my hair at Kimage and it looks GREAT! I love the new shade, haha... It looks like Lindsay Lohan's colour.

I went with friends to the I'm Gorgeous party at MoS... Obviously coz I'm gorgeous, darling.

I'm bored of the usual photo-whoring, so I decided I might as well try something more artistic this time... Hover mouse over the photos to see them in their usual state. :)

I just extended my eyelashes too (Cherlyn, $60, 68849924, quit pestering me already), so I was feeling pretty!

And since I was feeling pretty, I took pictures while on the cab. It's normal. Not self-absorbed.

Isn't it weird how you can put on so much make up on your eyelids and still it looks like it's not that much when it's opened? So pointless.

Anyway I put fake lashes at the edge of my eyes... :D More dramatic, and for the retro effect.

BOMBSHELL!

It was Candy floss retro! Isn't the name so cute? Anyway, CFR is the same genre of music as mambo. I am embarrassed to say I totally dig it.

This photo is very pointless but I'm putting it up coz it is so funny that there's Adrian Mah in the background looking forlorn. HAHA! I didn't know he was there.

Or maybe not.

Kelvin looks like he is sick of my photo-whoring antics.

Wore my white satin pants. :)



My "curry-pok" hair got flattened. By Kelvin, I think.



Looks artistic eh, eh??



Vyasa + me



Called Candy Floss Retro for a reason!



They actually serve Candy Floss! In pink too!

I hate my tanline.

But I love my hair! Yippee!

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The Chengs love crab

This is so funny.

That day, Momo was in a good mood and she asked my didi (Yes, Clinton Cheng is my brother, not my cousin) and I whether we wanted to eat crabs.

When she came back from the market she kept laughing, and waving the bag of crabs around.

She said that she is very happy coz she tan dio one crab.

It so happened that the store she went to to buy the crab was beside the road, and when she finished buying her 3 big crabs, she and didi saw one crab on the road.

Yes, one crab, just lying there, for goodness knows what reason.

The loser crab was frantically attempting to flip himself over but couldn't.

WHAHAHAHA!

So right, my mom told my brother to faster go and pick up the crab!

I have no idea how the crab managed to escape the store, but yet flipped itself over. It must be fucking stupid, whahahaha! Let's laugh at it. LOSER CRAB!

My brother didn't want to pick up the crab coz he thought it's very dirty to eat things from the ground, but Momo put her foot down and insisted we take the free crab anyway, coz it is so alive and moving, and if we didn't pick him up someone would too!

("If I had only one crab then I can't do anything to the crab but I have 3 what, why can't I pick it up?" and etc excuses for being a opportunistic kiasu auntie)

(Anyway I am still laughing at the crab... I always laugh at creatures who can't flip themselves over coz I think it's damn stupid of them... Like tortoises and starfish. SO LOSER!)

Momo is really very happy that she got us all a free crab, and claims that this incident alone, amongst other unhappy events that happened to her, shows that "her luck is coming back". Aunties.

...

So anyway, she did what any typical auntie would do:

Take out the weighing scale to see how much money she picked up. Look at how happy Momo is.

SIX BUCKS! We are all very happy. :D

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HAHAHA! Loser crab.

I don't know where Momo learnt such things like chopping crabs but I think I would be a very poor wife indeed coz I am really unwilling to touch dead meat, let alone kill live animals.

The process is SO GROSS.

First Momo took up a pair of scissors, and nonchalantly clipped the crab's lower legs away while talking to me. It's like so sian lor, if you are the crab.

Can you imagine that someone is hovering a pair of deadly kitchen scissors above your head, talking about cooking you in chilli or other superficial conversation topics, and then in between breaks in the conversation process to snip off your legs like it's nothing?

Damn sick.

The crab was still moving around like the lower legs are nothing much. One crab, in the process of escaping, also lost a leg. HAHAHA! I mean, legs to crabs seem like nothing.

They go like, "OK, I'm escaping! Hey, where's leg four? Ah, fuck it." and continue whatever they are doing.

After cutting legs can cut off strings coz even if they escaped they can't run nowhere! :D

Momo proceeds to use a chopper and some stone thingy to chop the middle part of the crab up.

And once again, the crab is still moving around after being chopped right in the torso. Aw.

After that, while still chatting animatedly to me, Momo, in one swift movement, pulls the sides of the crab out such that only the top shell is left.

SO FUCKING GROSS. There's like black liquid, and plenty of crab guts left in the shell.

As you can see, Momo is playing with the crab guts in the photo. As I was taking the picture, she actually commented, "You know hor girl, some people eat these you know?".

While the guts were still PULSATING, she pulled at a random orangey thing and wondered aloud, "I think these might be eggs... Maybe we can eat them."

I puked and I think she took that to mean no.

Speaking of the pulsating. I actually took a video of it, coz I didn't believe that an organism can be pulled apart to such a stage, and yet still be alive.

It seems to inconcievable to me.

Yet, there's this brain-like grey thing in the crab, that clearly pulsated for the longest time. It still has life running through it. In fact, it pulsated for so long that I even lost interest in looking at it and proceeded to file my nails.

Amazing.

Momo said those were not brains but the heart of the crab. I knew it. Crabs weren't that smart to have brains around a 50 cent coin size. (I know you idiots are gonna pick on the fact that bigger brains do not mean smarter, but just get a life and let it go dude, let it go.)

Tadah! Lovely crab meat.

Momo also cooked dou miao and steamed eggs, so we had a fab dinner! :D

There are supposed to be more photos, but Kelvin lent me two cams, and the one which took these photos was real lousy, so the rest of the photos with the cooked crabs turned out blur.

(Thanks Kelvin! All girls go kiss him when you see him k!)

I'm now using his Canon Ixus though, coz I lost my Sony L1 on the cruise. :(

I think I left it on the damn Tuktuk in Phuket.

Sigh, that lucky Thai tuktuk driver.

So yes, this marks the end of this boh liao blog entry, and can I please get a sponsor for a camera? PLEASE???

You PR people reading this?? OEI!

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About the name Xiaxue

Wendy.

Wendy's a fairly common name I guess, though I have not met anyone recently who is called Wendy.

But throughout primary and secondary school, I'd always end up with classmates called Wendy, and these Wendys are always persistent about being called Wendy instead of their Chinese names, which are possibly stupid sounding.

I didn't like the silly name anyway (Clinton's got the worse deal though I must say) so I just let the rest of the Wendys use that name and I use my Chinese, more unique one.


Which kinda explains why my closers friends all call me Yanyan.


As I grew older more people called me Wendy because it is way easier to remember than Yanyan, and guess what? Now I have a third name: Xiaxue.

As I have patiently explained over and over again, Xiaxue is an internet nickname I used in IRC a long time ago.

It is act chio and stupid, but I used it coz if there is a mei nu in IRC, I'm sure as hell she would be called a sentimental weather condition.

Not many people know this, but nice as Xiaxue sounds (I still think it sounds like I am this gently beautiful and quiet girl - ha, the irony!), it is actually not original.

Ok fine, I was a cheating, stealing bitch. I used to go to #NCC coz I was from NCC, and inside the channel was this girl called Jacqueline who used the nickname xIa^xUe.

I thought, damn, that nickname sounds nice! However, Jacqueline, bless her soul, was very active in IRC, so whenever she was online I couldn't use her nickname as she registered it.

I was then still murking around for a nickname but couldn't think of one, so I settled on another weather element: Xia Yu.

WHAT THE FUCK. I think I was crazy.

People starting teasing me and asking if it means blind fish, prawn fish, etc, which got me quite pissed off.

After a few months, it seems like Jacqueline didn't go online anymore!

So I started using her nickname. Heehee.

I know she is called Jacqueline coz people kept popping out of nowhere and asking me if I were her, and that pissed me off coz I refused to be overshadowed.

I hoped to myself that one day my Xiaxue will be even more well known than her xIa^xUe, and ironically enough, that happened and it happened major. -_-

I dunno lah, but if I were Jacqueline I would be fucking pissed. Stupid imposter stole my nickname and got famous by it.

So anyway, there came the day when I started registering for a blog.

Initially I wanted to use wendy.blogspot.com, but that was not available. So I thought, hell, maybe I would just use xiaxue since blogs are supposed to be about your internet self too.

How the fuck would I know that in years to come, I would become famous by that name?

I mean, the blog was meant to be for friends to read initially, and for all I know I would have chosen labia.blogspot.com and gotten famous by it. Then I will be known as Labia the blogger.

People would make Labia jokes all the time and whatever I blog, the imagery of a labia would just pop up. When I talk serious stuff, people would just snigger.

Playboy would pay me millions to flash my labia so that people can unleash the mystery that is my labia.

Nowadays, conversations go like this:

(On phone)
Me: "Hey Mike, this is Wendy."
Person: "Which Wendy?"
Me: "Erm, Xiaxue."
Person: "Oh! Hi!"

Can you imagine if you have to replace Xiaxue with Labia? It would be damn sick.

As it is, I cringe everytime I have to call myself Xiaxue, coz it is an act cute name, and not one I am born with. I don't WANT to be called Xiaxue!

Bah.

I mean, if given a choice, I think I'd rather not get famous by that name.

I think I would choose... DA BOMBSHELL.

Teeheehee...

"Wendy who?"
"Wendy da BOMBSHELL!"

That would be great.

Anyway, I am posting another like 3 blog entries tonight. That would make the grand total four blog entries in one day!

You are a lucky bitch. I told you it is good for you to stick around da bombshell (which is me).

p/s: Howard commented that this entry is very boring and I should delete it. HMPH! That man thinks just coz he is some Dude of The Year he can get away with rudeness and murder.

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Beautiful eyes

See, I am so nice.

After contemplating for a long time, I decided to share with you all a secret. That's 30% because I am starting to get irritated by girls asking me how to get my eye make up, and 70% because I am just nice in that way.

Speaking of irritating girls, I really dislike girls who ask me this and that on beauty tips, and when I teach them or try it on them, they go all like, Erm, this is too drag queen/artificial/heavy...

WHATEVER. In the first place, don't waste my time to ask me if you are not willing to experiment.

Type 2 girls keep going like, "Wow, your eyelashes are so nice, how do you do it?"

I say they are fake lashes, and usually, girls will reply, "That's great! I wanna do it too, but I don't know how to put it."

What do you mean by you don't know how to put it?! You think I am born with the talent to glue things to my eyelids meh? I also trial and error before I master it what!

Gah... To sum it up: I don't like it when people are unlearning or lazy. Girls, buck up! It is not easy to look your best, and efforts must be put in.

Or don't. That's great, because only with sloppy girls around can girls who make an effort shine, right?

:)

So anyway, because you girls have been asking how I do my eye make up, here it is...

Now don't give me your stupid comments on how you think I did it wrong. I'm not here claiming to be the expert. I'm just answering queries on how I do MY make up. I know my face best so I don't need big mouths teaching me, thank you very much.

If you wanna learn from me, go ahead. If you think it doesn't look good, too bad, I like it. :)

I know I already have a make up entry quite some time ago, but my style of make up have changed quite a bit, so I thought I might do a different one, focusing on eyes. :D

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Fake lashes.

As time goes by, certain things in fashion change, sometimes caused by certain icons.

Eons ago, small mouths were considered pretty by the Chinese. Zoe Tay changed that.

Flat noses were considered ugly. Fann Wong changed that.

Fake lashes were considered, well, fake, and I suppose the "cheating" element in these synthetic fibres caused girls to feel uncomfortable using them.

What's the difference between mascara-ed like crazy lashes and fake lashes? As long as it is obvious enough it is not natural-born then it's fine, I think. :D

And yes, fake lashes being unsuitable for daily usage. But nowadays, eyelash extensions are so common, and they are so expensive! I don't see how fake lashes are any less unacceptable than eyelash extensions.

I use them (fake lashes) EVERYTIME I go out.

Each lash only costs me $3.90 and they last quite damn long if you take good care of them. I think I saved a hell lot on mascara.

You don't have to curl like crazy, or coat and coat mascara on your poor lashes. The fake lashes are so long, so thick, and immediately add so much depth to your eyes! Shiok!

Here goes!

I found a photo of my original eyes... Quite normal eyes, of course. I think I was laughing madly thus the slanted look. Ha!

But yet, I get compliments from strangers all the time that I have beautiful eyes!

To which I always say, "Oh, they are a lot of effort put in" and smile. Amazing right? Read on.

First step to take will be to put on contact lenses. I prefer coloured ones myself, coz they look more mesmerising, but if you like black you can always use the big-eyed effect ones.

Look how much bigger my eyes look already!

NO, it will NOT be the same if you don't use lens, or use the ordinary transparent ones. Trust me. If you wanna look pretty, might as well go all the way, don't half-fuck around.

Second step draw brows, after putting foundation.

Step 3, put a highlighter colour all over eyelid. Notice how small light-coloured eyeshadow made my eyes look?

That's why I always say, girls who just put one light shade of blue or something over their eyelids are being silly.

Digressing, HAVE YOU SEEN THE STANDARDS OF MAKE UP IN SINGAPORE?

God, it is SO bad.

I mean, most girls just put a bit of pressed powder, slap on an excuse of a light eyeshadow, apply transparent lip gloss, and call it a day, exhausted.

The whole POINT of make up is to make you look prettier, not to bloody add colour to your face. Well ok, that's considered make up too...... for a clown. Unless you are already VERY pretty, there is no point in putting such "light" make up.

Yes, moving on.

Choosing a slightly darker colour, blend into brow bone area.

(As you can see, my normal eyelashes are already quite long and full, but they don't curl much, so I can't be bothered with them, I just use fake lashes)

Yes, I know still looks very ugly... Wait lar!

What a wonderful colour, brown is. Using a dark shade of brown shadow (I recommend you only buy good brands like mac, bobbi brown or anna sui, for the lousy brands like body shop gives no colour whatsoever) and apply like the picture - top and bottom.

Next, crimp lashes! :D If you don't, they will be downturned while your fake lashes are upturned, causing this two pronged look - which is very ugly.

Eyeliner! I use liquid ones myself, and the one in the picture is black. It is important to use liner because the lash line will be black too, and if you don't apply liner your stuck-on lashes will look way obvious.

My fake lashes!

Man, I have SO MANY OF THEM. I think to date I have like 15 pairs, and most of them are from a Korean shop called Dodo club at the basement of Cine. Their lashes are fantastic!

Only $3.90, and it comes in so many styles and a fabulous glue.

I like the criss crossed ones the best! I also have two with silver glitter on the lashes... :D For clubbing!

For our blog entry today I decided to use my shu uemura brown lashes, which are new... As you can see it's not very well trimmed, which kinda explains why the eyes look a bit unbalanced. Grrr

Apply the glue on the back of the lash 'bone' like I did, and carefully stick the lashes to the lash line directly on top of your real lashes.

No, it will not cause your real lashes to drop off if you are careful, and no, if your glue is good it should not drop off during dinner either.

One word of advice though. Try not to stick your lashes too close to the inner parts of your eyes, because it will, for sure, irritate your eyes and make you tear.

If you feel uncomfortable, just peel off the lashes and reapply it again.

The end result:



Now compare that to this:

Pretty good huh? Now apply the rest of your make up and you are all ready to go out. :D

Wanyi: "Wow, you are so good at this make up thing! You should do it full time!"
Me: "Ha! Da cai xiao yong."
Wanyi: "..."

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Advertorial

Well this post is gonna be all about eyes - and to make them pretty I guess who also need them to not be severely infected. Duh.

I think the idea of ever becoming blind is one of the scariest things that can ever happen to me, and I think most people agree that vision is possibly the most important of the five senses, but yet, eyes, being so fragile, are ironically abused the most.

Never mind if you have ruined your eyes watching TV as a kid; it is now still essential you wash your lens regularly and don't let infections happen!

I was given a sample of AMO's Complete MoisturePLUS a week ago for trying, and I am still surprised.

I have perfect eyesight but I wear coloured lens, and I have always only rinsed my monthlies in saline and nothing else. No washing, no nothing! (Which is why I am surprised: I didn't know there were cleaning stuff to do)

Momo wears lens and she uses this strong soap thing to wash her lens, and I once put the soapy len into my eye and jumped like 3 metres. IT WAS SO PAINFUL CAN?! From then on I decided washing lens was not really worth it.

Bah! I told my friends this, they all started scolding me and saying how dirty contact lens can be, especially when you wear make up, etc. June was even spotting a swollen eye to make her point.

So now I got free cleaning solution to use! It's so easy, the multi-purpose solution cleans, stores, and disinfects! Shiok!

Well, I'm sure contact lens users know about the recent recall on Bausch & Lomb's multipurpose solution.

I suppose it is a timely reminder to get people to clean their lens regularly, and take care of the only pair of eyes you have.

Besides fungal eye infections (which is what happened to the 22 people), apparently, as I have read on the press release, there is also something called cytotoxicity in disinfecting solutions.

I know the "toto" part of the word sounds funny but it is not something to laugh about, ok! These excessive disinfecting properties of solutions often contain a high level of cytotoxicity - and that is very dangerous to the cells of your eyes.

Complete MoisturePLUS comes with the least cytotoxicity as compared to all the other solutions in the market.

Which is cool! And it also has taurine, which helps to ... ok, I don't really know what taurine does but everyone knows it's good. Makes your contact lens more comfortable to wear, I suppose.

It is slightly more expensive than the cheapo brands, at around $20 for a twin pack, but you know, spending a few dollars more a month on a safe product for your eyes... priceless.

Remember to wash your lenses properly ah!

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EXTERMINATE THE EVIL THAT IS PARSLEY

As it is I am already a person who gets irritated easily.

Lots of things irritate me: the weather being too hot or too cold, flies, ants, various smells, and ingrown hairs, among many many others.

I don't like to be irritated but I can't help it. I mean, I can put on a false front and pretend I am not irritated, but that irritates me too, so it's kinda pointless.

My friends have to put up with my endless grumbles and I think one of the things they cannot stand is when I complain endlessly about food.

I want to be nice to them and end it once and for all.

I don't know what's wrong with Asians, but we cook great food, and then always decide to grind some grass and sprinkle it generously on top of everything.

We put it on mee sotos, we put it in fishball noodles, we put it on top of steamed fish, we PUT IT FUCKING EVERYWHERE.

IT IS AS IF PARSLEY (OR CORIANDER OR SHIT-GRASS, CALL IT WHATEVER YOU WANT) IS FREE AND IF YOU DON'T EAT IT IT WILL OVER POPULATE THE WORLD.

I know Western foods have parsley too, but at least it is in one big piece and you can just throw it back at the chef's face. That's kinda mean and unreasonable though, because guess what? THE ANGMOHS KNOW PARSLEYS ARE FOR DECORATION NOT EATING.

I also know I have complained about this before, but seriously, I had ENOUGH.

I cannot count the amount of times I have picked through my noodles' soup to get the fucking parsley out of it, and I cannot UNDERSTAND why they have to put it in.

THEY SIAO IS IT?? A survey I have done with many people showed an amazing statistic: AROUND 50% OF THE POPULATION HATES PARSLEY.

Yet, it is striving! In fact, I bet parsley farmers, those SOBs, are earning like trillions daily from plucking awful grass and poisoning otherwise delicious food. Parsley farmers can fly private jets but they all die of bulimia soon enough; parsley is that smelly.

I HATE PARSLEY. I hate it SO MUCH, I actually vomit when I accidentally bite into one.

AND YET, IT LOOKS LIKE A NORMAL VEGGIE. It constantly ambushes me when I least expect it, pretending to an innocent xiao bai cai or something, and delibrately ruining my social life when I start to regurgitate all my food out like a barf machine.

I have all reasons to hate parsley. If it tastes so awful, the least it could do is to differentiate itself from normal veggies. I think a blue-ish brown colour would be perfect for it.

I also hate the people who refuse to understand how much I dislike parsley. Why is it so difficult to understand that different people have different taste buds?

YOU may say things like, "It's ok what, it doesn't have much taste..." in a nonchalant manner and think that I am making a big fuss...

BUT THAT'S YOUR TASTEBUDS RIGHT?

How about this little analogy... Would you like me to put shit into your food? The smell of parsley makes me barf, so does the smell of shit. I have never tasted shit, but I'm sure parsley is worse.

You may also argue that shit is dirty and parsley is not. WHO CARES?! Same shit, different elements.

Ok fine, no shit-in-food analogy.

HOW ABOUT DURIANS NOW? Would you durian haters like bits of durians ground into the food you ordered? WOULD YOU? Would you like to spend 15 minutes fishing out the durian bits before eating? HUH HUH?

WTF.

FUCK PARSLEYS.

You fucking parsleys ruin my life!

I am acting like a drama queen again? And I can ask food sellers not to put parsley into my food?

Scenario 1) How The Fuck Would I Know What Food Comes With Parsley And What Does Not

That day, during a family gathering, the adults ordered zhu chao, and for the kids who did not eat spicy food they ordered prawn fritters.

To my horror, the otherwise yummy fritter DOUGH WAS HALF GREEN IN COLOUR.

The fucking parsley was grounded and MIXED into the DOUGH!

Prawn fritters? Are these sellers CRAZY??

There was no way we could get the parsley out, and all the kids hated parsley, so the dish was left UNTOUCHED.

I should have taken a handmade catapult and pelted the shitballs of ruined prawns onto the chef until he cowers for help and whimpers, "Never again will I ruin food by putting parsley in it, Wendy, never! Oh, not my balls, anywhere but my balls!!" (Me: "FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU")

Scenario 2) The Obstinate Auntie

That day I asked this prawn noodle auntie not to fucking put parsley in my noodles. I told her once, and she feinted ignorance.

I repeated myself AGAIN, because I'd rather be sodomised than PAY for a service and a product I hate. (It's not about it being $3; it's principles)

This time she nodded and said ok.

I hovered around for a bit and decided to let her deliver the noodles to my table. I politely requested again I didn't want the green bits near my food. She nodded again.

When the noodles arrived, it was full of parsley in it.

FUCK THE AUNTIE.

I KNEW IT. I know her type. Everytime pretend to hear, and in the end sell you the same damn default product.

Excuse me if you think that my $3 is too difficult to earn by remembering not to put shit-grass into it, then please let me know, and don't waste the both of our time. I can always look for people who are willing to not put parsley in my food.

I saw the noodles, and seriously, I understand that she can manage to forget my order, because my friends also ordered from her and she was busy. See, I am a nice girl.

However, I did say softly when I saw the noodles, "I thought I said I don't want parsley..." to June, and guess what?

The auntie said loudly,

"HUH? Must put this one then nice to eat, you don't know how to eat prawn noodles!"

OH, SO SHE DELIBRATELY PUT PARSLEY IN IS IT??! Unforgivable!

EXCUSE ME FUCK YOU OK SINCE WHEN IS IT UP TO YOU TO DECIDE WHAT FOOD IS GOOD TO EAT??!

I got SO angry with her stupid, irrelevant, self-righteous statement that I immediately started to flare up, and if I weren't well-controlled enough to wait till I reach home to rant about her online I would have slapped her greasy face there and then.

If I liked parsley I would not have asked 3 times not to put it in ok!?

Fuck man, these aunties are so fucking stupid!



That's it. There's one simple solution. People who hate parsley cannot eat it, but the crazy people who like it can do without it. In future, all food stores should have parsley in a little side petri dish (or not) which is air-tight, and people who like parsley can take their fill from the dish.

This way, nobody accidentally pukes.


- I hate parsley so much, if I had a choice between getting rid of aids and getting rid of parsley, I chose the STD to stay. -


UPDATE: It is bloody parsley and not spring onions. Stop arguing, I know what spring onions look and smell like. It's just that its wet therefore it's all rolled up, and the little light green stems are parsley stems.

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Disappearing blog entries

I don't know what happened, but I remember damn well I blogged a blog entry at Kelvin's place before I left for my cruise trip. But the entry DISAPPEARED.

I was at his place blogging coz my computer refused to be turned on, and I was responsible enough (to my blogders) to go all the way to Thomson so that I could tell you guys I'm not gonna be here for four days.

ALAS!

The entry disappeared!!!

I don't know why!!

And now, Momo inserted the formatting disc into my CPU, and it is working well again.

Wtf? (Which is a wtf in a kinda good way)

So anyway, apologies, people, if you have been visiting regularly but keep seeing the same damn entry! I'm so sorry!

Now, I'm kinda still feeling like my room is waving about.-_- There are so many things to be done, so I don't think I'll blog tonight.

I will be though, very soon!

You guys saw that blog entry right??! The one where I said I am going on Superstar Virgo and that I said my computer was down, and I ended off by saying I am blogging in a Scottish accent?

This is so weird.

YOU SAW THAT ENTRY DIDNT YOU? WHY IS IT DELETED??

p/s: Oh, so this is the reason.

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