LA day 1

Finally, I am back in Mike's apartment in Texas, so there I am using his computer (with built-in photoshop 7, hallelujah), his internet connection, and his electricity to present this long-awaited blog entry.

Erm actually I have been at his apartment for a few days now, but I have been, erm, lazing around and watching trashy American TV, so well, this entry is a bit late.

God, I have so many things to blog about!

Speaking of American TV, I LOVE AMERICAN TV!

Man, the shows here are so freaking trashy and I love every moment of it!

In our hotels (Mike doesn't watch TV much so he doesn't have a TV antenna, can you believe it? The travesty!) we watched this show called Maury or something, and man, Americans are so amazing!

Maury's this guy who is like the host of the show, and one big theme of the show is to get women with newborn babies to come on the show, and if they agree to it, they will be given a free DNA test, where results will show who the father of her baby is.

Now the first person I saw was a 13 year old girl, and she gave birth to a son (!) and she didn't know who the father was, coz she fucked two guys - one 16 year old black boy, and a 15 year old white boy.

The white boy wanted to take responsibility, but the black boy didn't wanna.

The girl is Mexican, and the baby appeared to be pretty fair, so she hoped it was the white boy who was the father, but DANG DANG DANG!

It is the black boy! She then ran into the backstage dramatically crying her heart out, and man, with the look on the black kid's face, I was hooked on that show!

The show also had like this woman who came, and her complains was that her husband would treat her elder daughter very well and treat her second child, a 1 year old son very badly.

Like totally ignore him when he wants a hug, and so on.

The reason for his unfair behaviour was that he heard rumours that his wife was fucking around outside, and he thinks that the second child was not his, coz the kid looked Asian, and this man is black.

So this woman right, got on the show, and started screaming at her husband, saying he is so mean to a young, innocent child who is his flesh and blood, and crying and everything.

After that, Maury said, alright, we have our DNA results with us!

TADAH, the second child is not the husband's baby!!

Just so shocking coz how sure the woman looked and everything before the results showed...

They took the quarrel backstage, and the man was shouting at his wife, and she actually shouted back, "Yeah right, I cheated on you, you like to hear that, huh? Yeah well let me tell you, he is not ASIAN, SO YOU GOT THAT PART WRONG!"

I was just shell-shocked looking at these Americans fight on TV.

Maury then asked, "Would you like us to tell you who the father is?" and the girl replied, "No, I know who he is..." and continued shouting at her husband.

Wow.

There were also teens who were addicted to sex, and their crying moms would bring them on the show, and man, there was this one girl who had sex when she was... EIGHT.

I told Mike the reason why American TV is so good is because there are these crazy people who are willing to go on TV to show their craziness.

I think Mike ignored me coz he thinks watching stupid people on TV makes him mad that such behaviour exists, and he is busy doing more substantial stuff, like, erm, reading a book or something. Ahem.

Am I boring you?

Well, here are the photos... It's 523am right now in Texas, with a terrific storm brewing outside, and Mike's in bed waiting for me, so there you go, pictures, without much text.

Or so I say now. I can never tell how a blog entry can end up. Just like I wanted to blog about a snooker/country club ktv session, and I end up writing about handicapped toilets.

And out of nowhere, I get famous for it. Gah.

Exciting! My ticket to LA costs $1,300 SGD including taxes, and it gets me to Narita Airport in Tokyo for my transit!

Well, I only go there for an hour, but still, now I can say "Yeah, DUH, who hasn't been to Japan?!" when people ask if I have went to Japan.

I know Departure timings have nothing to do with you and this picture is absolutely pointless, but I think it brings out the travel atmosphere, so there.



There's smelly Shuyin with my bimbo luggage and queuing for me. She's the sweetest, she went over to my place at 10pm (my flight was at goddamn 4am), and went to the airport with me! And she had work the next day....

Awwww...

She doesn't know, but I am looking at this photo and giving her a virtual kiss on her butt.

Kelvin and Qihua came to send me off too... :D Thanks guys. And Momo and my auntie Susan as well. :)

Fast forward 7 hours, TOKYO NARITA AIRPORT!



I see Japan!


Very predictable

Oooh, I went to try their toilets!



Isn't it so cool?!

I was very jittery when I first tried to wash my butt, coz I have heard horror stories of people who got their genitals burnt by malicious malfunctioning sprays which shot boiling jets of water up their tender parts, and man, I think that's not gonna feel good at all.

I pressed "shower" first, and it shot a jet of lukewarm water directly at my asshole.

It made me laugh and laugh coz it was so ticklish.

Which is, as you can predict, rather awkward for me coz I cannot laugh out loud. With some difficulty I moved such that the jet only hit a butt cheek.

I am shocked at the accuracy of this flush thing. Wonder how many engineers had their assholes misfired at before it hit at the exact right spot?

I also tried the "flushing sound" thing and it made me laugh even more... coz apparently - don't laugh, it's true - the Japanese invented a fake, fake flushing sound to cover whatever obscene noises you intend to make in a toilet.

And finally, Los Angeles!

Finally I get to see my baby again. :D

I was sick with flu when I arrived, so all we did that half day was to get our rental car, and eat at....

WENDY'S!!


So nice to see my name all over the place. :D

And we head over to Hollywood!









Was a good efficient car, but the company, Dollar, charged Mike an untold, hidden fee of $25 a day extra just coz he wasn't 25 yet!

RIDICULOUS! The fees came up to a fucking $600 or so for like a week plus! Total fucking rip-off.


The celebrities supposedly swim in the hotel's pool a lot.

We didn't have time to visit it. Damn.



I found it super amusing that all the Asian places use the same font for its signboards.

Duh, doesn't even slightly look like Chinese characters!


We arrive at the Kodak something something.

I don't remember what it's called but it has many people milling around interestedly.



There, I told you they milled around interestedly.





The weather was like 18 degrees or something, sunlight plus cooling wind. Perfect.

Look who was here!


The year I was born.






Jack Nicholson's hands are so small.

There are also people waiting to take photos with you. Need to tip them tho :)








I can't stop looking at superman's penis. MY EYES!

Look at our nice new car:



It is bigger than your car.

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I told you.




I like these old-school cars.


Mike and me again

In Hollywood there are lots of gift shops that all try to rip you off. They all sell the same things: Cups, mugs, tin plates like car vanity plates, and clothes.



Mike likes this store with Marilyn inside it. She does look like she likes the boob grab, doesn't she? :D



Wooh look, I'm wrapped in a dollar bill!

After this we paid 11 bucks to get into Ripley's Believe it or not.



Considering how a bottle of mineral water is like $3 in Hollywood, I think 11 bucks is very cheap indeed.





I think Mike likes the gorilla.



Hahaha this photo is totally pointless. It is Ripley with some Ubagi woman or something. I just put it here coz I thought the boys might like to see some boobies.

Ha, I think Ripley looks like he is saying, "Woman, have some decency and get dressed!"

And the woman is like "MMMMmmm hmmm hmmm" coz she can't talk as her lips has that big ring in it.








Mike saw this, laughed, and said, "Man, that kid looks really pissed off."




Think this was the funniest part of the museum. It had this giant mirror which urged you to try rolling your tongue, and so I tried to do that.

At the end of the tour, we come to a little room, where people were all looking and laughing at the new visitors who were all stupidly rolling their tongues at a two-way mirror.


Golden arches from its native country






Ewww... Scientology. We tried to find the celebrity center but couldn't.



We went into a sex shop next:


They had a full array of goods to sell!


Nothing like what the miserly sex shops in Singapore offer.




Their sex products had fully naked women in compromising positions and showing their genitals to the rest of the world in a very proud manner!

Wow! It is like watching porn in public man! In a shop!

I bought a garter there for 12 bucks. Cheap! Can't find it in Singapore. Mike says the counter girl, who is a butch, was totally trying to hit on me. Woohoo! I feel pretty and special here coz the angmohs actually like short girls. :D


Performances and hot dog vendors are common on the Walk of Fame.


Mike made me stop to take a photo of him with fellow geek Thomas Edison's star.




Very nice architecture.

And... My first visit into Victoria's Secrets!





Everyone has been yapping on and on about VS, but when I stepped into the store I was seriously quite disappointed.

Their sizes are all so big!

I didn't see that many pretty stuff around that was worth it's price, and as for those cheap things, like undies being 5 for $25 or something, even S was too big for me (or so I presume since it is like way bigger than my normal locally bought underwear).

For once I wished I had a bigger ass.

So yes, I actually walked out of that store... Without buying anything.

Oh yeah? You think I want that? The only nice things I saw in the store was this column of fancy fluffy white bras and panties, and then I saw why they looked so pretty and white: For Brides.

I think Mike freaked out when he saw me looking at those. Ha.

I also convinced the poor guy to go blonde. We are in sunny California after all!


Bye bye to Mike's brown hair!


Turning blonde without bleaching, wow. Wish I could do that.


And washing it off!

Wanna see how it turns out?

I am afraid you have to come back here again. ;) Off to sleep now for me! Christ, its 7.09am now!

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Hello from California!

Sorry for the lag in blogging!

I'm now in sunny LA, where the weather is perfect. :D

The last few days have been very fun... I've gone to Hollywood, Disneyland, Rodeo Drive etc etc and I took a shitload of pictures!

However, erm, the photoshop disc doesn't seem to want to install on Mike's laptop so until I find another way to make all my nose smaller you won't see any pictures... Alternatively some nice reader could upload the program into their website's space and send me an email with the link.... :D Even the demo one would do fine.

Mike's now scurrying behind me packing stuff and I forbade him to look at me blog. NO ONE CAN DO THAT!

We are gonna be driving to Vegas in a while. I think we will meet inbreed deformed monsters on the lonely desert road, where we will be stranded and the people will eat Mike's intestines and make me watch, then proceed to rape me and then eat me too.

Fucking Hollywood movies... You know those shows where people get stranded in long roads with no way of getting out? GRRRR

Mike said there are no such inbreed people. I'm sure there are - it's just that they don't wanna eat him coz he is not delicious enough.

But a rare Asian cuisine! Ah, that's irresistable!

In the case where I don't get eaten up, I'll be in Vegas soon! Strip clubs! Buffets! Big money!!!

So excited :D

I've had my first Twinkie, had my virgin step into a Victoria's Secrets store, and I am on my way to eat mt first Krispie Kreme! :D Speaking of typical American stuff, I did see lots of extremely fat people, but I didn't get like racist treatment, or get robbed by hobos. hmmm. Good, I guess.

I had Yoshinoya yesterday and it really sucks. I mean, the beef and chicken we had was ok, but the sauce was thick and SWEET! What the fuck, sweet??? I'll be damned.

I already miss Singapore's food so much - god, I'll give so much for a plate of chay kuay teow... =(

Funnily enough, I miss Pokka green tea the most of all local things. I'm sick sick sick of American beverages! Every meal I have a choice of extremely sweet fizzy drink, or another extremely sweet fizzy drink.

No taste here is subtle! Everything is an explosion on the tongue, and savoury food may all taste great (and makes you damn fat), but I want something light sometimes... :(

Otherwise I love America! This place is SO great.

I'll blog again soon, don't go fall in love with another blog ok?

Tata,
Wendy

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Suay

I'm gonna fly off in around 8 hours!

Of all things to happen, yesterday I started sniffing a bit and today it has turned into full-blown fever+flu.

CCB!

Why today of all days??

As I pack I feel like being ugly but comfortable for the rest of the trip, coz that's how I feel now. BAH! Throwing in ugly clothes.

I hope I get better before I meet Mike! :(

Well anyway, he's bringing his laptop, so I think I might write in again, real soon... Thanks and a big kiss to everyone who gave me advice on where to go!

Love you all blogders!

Wendy

+++++++++++++++++++++

Things I will miss:

Mahjong
Momo and her cooking
All my friends

Things I will not miss:

Cleaning Cloudy's pee and shit
Having no aircon in room
That (*&*%# insect that flies in EVERY morning to try to find a hole in my furniture to lay her eggs.

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How can so many levels of people

Approve this?

I was waiting for the Mrt at City Hall when I saw this ad...

At first, you know, normal and all, glazing over, but after a while I read...

"Plain-flavoured milk"

Excuse me but wtf is plain flavoured milk? Plain is plain, flavoured is flavoured, the two are fucking mutually exclusive.

I can imagine some dumbass executives at some marketing meeting say, "OH, how shall we better market this new product?"

And some other person looks at the design and sighs, saying, "Why is the box so pink? People might mistaken this for strawberry milk."

A logical young man then quips, "But there is no picture of a strawberry, and you all know people only assume such things when they see a strawberry!"

Alas, his voice drowns in the shouts of agreement of what the previous young man said. Some of the executives take up protest boards and nominate loudly for him to be marketing president.

"We must differentiate our product from other strawberry milks!" they shout in unison, the spirit of marketing hitting everyone like an enthusiastic carton of milk.

"Silence!" says a wiser, older marketing personnel at the back, stroking his beard. "We shall hence say on the packet it is plain milk."

He gets promptly beaten up to death (protest boards helped), because it is stated in the Marketing Strategy Book 101 that no product package can ever hint that the product is inferior, and calling your product "plain"... Let's just say that old man deserved it.

Furthermore, the market has show only attention for flavoured products.

Who uses plain stuff anymore? NO ONE! Even toothpaste is flavoured nowadays, have you tried the green tea one? To further prove this point, even green tea, which is a favour by itself, has other flavours in it!

An employee at the back is silently brainstorming. He works silently, and by himself - some say he is a genius, and some say he is just trying to act like a genius by being quiet.

In any case he draws himself to his full height (1.75m) and slowly walks towards the whiteboard, writing the following:

"Plain flavoured milk"

It took 5 seconds for everyone to nudge each other, and fall into a complete stunned silence.

"Yes!" someone breaks the taut ambience. The room erupts with roars of approval once again.

Together the marketing team proposed the idea to their superiors, who proposed it to their superiors, who proposed it to more superiors, who approved the idea and had "Plain flavoured milk" printed in prominent areas.

2 days pass.

A memo was passed down from the superior superiors, who said that just "Milk" as the product's logo is not sufficient.

The team is to brainstorm and come up with a suitable adjective as a prefix to Milk, so that the product stands out.

The marketing team thought about this for a long time, coming up with ideas like "sweet", "delicious", "cow's", "yummy", "yellow-white", and none were suitable.

The logical young man was scrutinizing the product sample on the table. "Alas, this milk tastes awful at room temperature!" he says. "If only it is chilled!"

Someone shouted, "That's it! CHILLED! CHILLED MILK!"

"But, but..." the logical young man stammered. "It is not chilled..." but nobody listens.

"When we take a product photo, we will have little droplets of water on it to show it is chilled," said the marketing leader with a resolute voice, basking in his own brilliance.

**************

Maybe the packet will self destruct when it is no longer chilly, rendering it's description true all the time.

(Some of you may argue "chilled" may just mean 'chilled once upon a time' and not a 'cold beverage' per se. This would then make the description of "chilled milk" even more stupid than to assume this packet of milk is actually cold, because customers do not give a shit about whether the milk has once been chilled before.)

***************

Have you seen Macdonald's mayonnaise? On it proudly writes, "Real mayonnaise".

Has anyone tried eating fake mayonnaise before?

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Woah, it has been a very hectic week!

And hectic I mean I have been sleeping in huge dollops and alternating between watching Return of The Condor Heroes on dvd and playing KoL (My nick there is Axiuex2 if you wanna pass me presents... =D).

In fact, I got so obsessed with the two that I had a dream of the KoL stickmen fighting each other with powers like xiang long shi ba zhang and so on, hahahha. I'm so funny.

Today, Momo cooked this fabulous chicken for us.

I came back home to see it happily roasted and still in the oven, plump, oily, and warm.

With a carnal urge and some laziness I plucked off its wing without even taking it out of the oven.

The bone easily dislocated and dripped with deliciousness, so I gently and with dignity bit into a small piece. I lied, I gobbled it up.

Mmmm, so fucking good.

I also noticed that the chicken had a few toothpicks stabbed across its backside. Afterwards, Momo called to ask me not to mess up her chicken, coz she had rice stuffed into it, and if I like pluck off the whole thigh the rice might all fall apart.

I was then thinking to myself, Where got people so suay like chickens one, we eat their eggs, pluck their feathers to dust things and whack naughty children, we eat its meat, and do funny things to it like stuffing it then sealing it together with toothpicks on its backside.

I mean, if I were a chicken and I know my meat is delicious - you want to eat then you eat la, but please don't do funny things to my corpse lor...

Then I begin to think, what if I were a chicken, and say IF, I am a relatively smart chicken who questions its own existence, then one day, I decide to ask myself, "Why do I exist?", what would my answer be?

It then occurred to be chickens are here purely to be eaten up. If it exists for any other purpose... well, there can't be any other purpose coz they are too delicious.

Think about it. They are an appropriate size, easy to rear, absolutely stupid, their meat is healthy, yummy and versatile, and it comes with the bonus of being able to lay multiple eggs a day! All farmers have to do to these battery hens is to turn on and off the lights, and tadah, the stupid chickens think that 3 days have passed and thus lays 3 eggs!

Then they get weak from laying too much eggs and we eat them.

Perfect. They totally exist to be taken advantage of.

It then occurred to me the reason why humans exist too. The ultimate answer to life. We exist to take advantage of others! There needs to be a tyrant, someone on top, so that all these helpless, yet delicious animals, have someone to eat them, and thus have a purpose in life.

It is a noble cause we have.

I'm just talking rubbish, I don't sincerely believe in that. Or maybe I do, sometimes when I am bored I make myself believe rubbish just for fun. Or it might be the tea.

THE EVIL TEA.

Momo bought a "diet tea" that makes you lao sai 6 times a day. After you lao all the sai out, you have cleansed your bowels, and at the same time, due to the smell of the latter, lose your appetite for any new food.

Which is great, except your legs get rather weak. Which is kinda good too coz you can't walk to that kitchen to get food. Wow.... I like diet teas already.

Anyway people, I have a shocking piece of news to announce!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to the states for a month, starting from 13th of May till 13th of June!

First we are going LA, then to Vegas, and then back to Texas, where Mike stays at.

I NEED HELP!!!

I don't know where all the fun places to go to are, so if you people who have been to LA/Vegas or are residents there can give me some advice on where to go, I'll be super grateful!

I also wanna go into the nice clubs...! I wanna see Hollywood stars! Anyone volunteer to bring me in and stuff? :D

How, where should I go, where should I go? Where's good for shopping? Is Disneyland even worth it? Tell me! :D

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