WAS COMPLETELY KIDDING

I can't believe that a reporter and a few other people (including a friend's concerned dad) thought it is serious that I went for a SEX CHANGE?!?!?!

HONESTLY PEOPLE! Like, a real sex change? With a synthetic penis from a Thai vengeful housewife? Using my new penis to TYPE??!

Which part of those sound even slightly conceivable?!

The reporter was all like asking my managers:

"Why did she get a sex change?"

"How long has she felt this 'manliness' for?"

"How much did it cost?"

"Why did she finally decide to do it?"

KUAKUAKUA!!

Anyway, now for the truth.

The truth to why I haven't blogged for so long.

IT IS BECAUSE....


I AM ACTUALLY A DINOSAUR (disguised as a human) AND DINOSAURS HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO.


I mean, honestly... If you were a T-rex like me, transported through time to come live in 2008, would you just stay at home and blog all day long? I mean, during MY time, all there was to do is to chew up little dinosaurs and roar and roar! IT'S SO FUCKING BORING I TELL YOU.

Now, I can play video games, go online, shop for clothes, get mistaken for an SPG etc... GOT LOTS TO DO!

I do miss my dinosaur pals though... Roarer the T-rex, Jennifer the lovely swooping bird sort of dino (sorry I can't spell the names you human scientists gave us, and if I use dinosaur language you guys can't understand me), and even Jimmy! Jimmy looks like Barny except green! I totally miss him whenever I see Barny.

So yup. Stop hounding me or I will transform back into my fearsome T-rex self and bite your heads off.

I mean it! I'm totally a dinosaur and it is totally believable! What do you mean this is even a taller tale than the sex change? It's totally true and I'm hurt from your baseless accusations.

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Not dead

A good evening to the 12 of you (or so) left still reading my dead, dead blog.

I've a very good reason for not blogging. That's right, I went ahead and did what I've always wanted. Some of you guessed it, others might be shocked beyond words: I took the plunge and had a sex change.

Wearing pink all the time, feeling a compulsive urge to buy fluffy, frilly stuff in order to hide my MANLY, MANLY self inside. I HAD ENOUGH! If God made me a man inside, then I decided I very well ought to go with his divine flow!!

I went to Thailand and had a synthetic penis surgically attached to me.

It measures 15 cm whenever I get randy, and 7 cm when floppy. I know, I know, it's so mediocre right? Well, you know what they always say - it's the girth and not the length, right, girls?!

Unfortunately, the girth of my new penis is like, erm, let me get horny first...












Ok back.

Like the size of a 20c coin.

Which is not very wide at all, but hey! It's a damn penis that was cut off by a vengeful housewife who was also very commercially attuned, so she quickly sold it off the black market at a whooping 1000 baht! 1000 baht can buy a lot of Tom yam maggi mee - which might bring her more enjoyment than a 20c coin penis, I guess.

The other penis choice I had looks like it's from a great-grandfather (even had a few strands of white, wispy hairs which I assume were pubes), so I went ahead and went with the vengeful housewife's one.

Thai women are often cutting off their men's penises, I heard.

I know I know, why can't I used penises from all the Thai trannies right?! That's simply not right - I'm a straight man and I refuse that my penis is gay.

So anyway, after the antagonizing surgery, I had to rest for precisely the amount of days I took not to blog. "What has your penis got to do with blogging?!" the 12 of you anxious stalkers must be asking indignantly.

My dears, everything! You are right! Now that I finally have a penis, I'm going to make the best of it and use it on everything! Including typing and holding frying pans near the hot flames.

Now, the question you people are all dying to ask. No no, not whether I can know fuck myself (you people can be so insensitive sometimes! God!), but I am now straight or gay?

CAN I EVER BE CLASSIFIED SINCE I AM AN HERMAPHRODITE? I'm so confused!

Anyway, I've got like 200 photos to post up. Don't ask your friends to come to my website, you 12 loyal no-lifers. If I think nobody is reading, then I can write juicy gossip.

p/s: Of course comments are not allowed.

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-_-

Happy new year y'all!

I can't believe it is 2008! No no, like literally. I think I either missed NYE countdown altogether as I was on various flights, or I slept through two countdowns (depending on which country's time zone you wanna use), so 2008 feels damn surreal coz there was no celebration to give it a big welcome.

Not that anyone really welcomes it, except maybe people who are, sorry, was 17 so that they can go into clubs this year.

I'm freaking 24 can? This year!

I AM OFFICIALLY MID-TWENTIES.

I cannot even twist the truth reasonably and say I am early twenties anymore!

When Forever 21 started, I was 20, and I went into that shop and felt I was dressing old - and then I turned 21 and I went in there and I was like, "This is apt, I AM 21."

AND NOW I'M STILL STUCK SHOPPING THERE, TOO OLD FOR THE BRAND!!!

I shall abruptly end this blog entry because I suddenly lost interest in writing it.

Check out new videos!

XIAXUE'S GUIDE TO LIFE

I give up the secret of how to bling your gadgets!! Gmask is going to be very, very displeased with me. Sorry la guys!! The producers forced me to tell the secret! They said they would kill Momo and let Cloudy be sodomised by the ugliest pit bull if I don't! And I'd be force-fed parsley juice (concentrated) and my accessories will all be taken away from me!

And how can I allow that? Never mind Momo and Cloud Cloud, but I TOOK MANY PAINFUL YEARS TO PROCURE ALL MY CHIO ACCESSORIES!

(They can be rather cruel at times)

(I am obviously just kidding, nobody is trying to kill you Momo.)

NEWS ASIA ON THE NET

Last ep of the funniest news show ever! Well, way funnier than The Noose or whatever Mediacorp is doing, that's for sure.

That's coz I helped to produce it! This ep is all bloopers. Who would have thought Debbie and Howard are so funny when they deliver stuff wrongly?

You know, the image of Howard in a bald cap is just stuck in my head. Initially, I wanted to let him wear the highlighting cap - you know, like a bald cap except it has little holes in it for hairstylists to pull little strands of your hair through to highlight.

That's like infinitely uglier than a bald cap la, coz the cap's original colour is unknown due to it taking on various dye colours like red, brown, black etc! Muahahaa!

Except that the highlighting cap doesn't go in context. Oh well.

Gillian is right, it IS awesome to be on this side of the production sometimes.

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I BROKE MY FINGERNAIL!!!

Bimbo enough or not!!!

I had on these super long acrylic nails that were super hard, and Mike tossed me on the bed (he insist that I clarify he was not being violent but just fun-loving) and I had my hands underneath me, so the nail was bent inwards and since it was so hard, it didn't break at the white part, but cracked neatly down the middle of the PINK part!!!

Damn fucking painful la!!!

Mike kept apologizing and telling me it's not a permanent damage because he had his own fingernails torn off before numerous times...

Eh, apparently he worked at this factory or something where he had to carry super heavy cardboard boxes and whenever his grip slipped and the boxes dropped, his whole fingernails would come right off.

NASTY!!!!

Damn gross la!!!

So anyway, I cut off the acrylic tips and so now, I still have two parts of a fingernail on my nail bed!!!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!

What's going to happen? Is the top pink nail part going to eventually grow out and drop out?

How come when a nail grows out it gets STUCK to your nail bed until it decides not to, and becomes white? When a fingernail gets completely torn out, how does the nail bed that's normally covered feel like?

WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU PUT A PIECE OF SCOTCHTAPE ON TOP OF THE PLUSHY PINK FLESH WHILE THE NAIL GROWS OUT?? Then the pink part will be very small??

It's all very confusing to me!!!

Anyway, it's freezing cold here in Dallas!! It was minus zero last night!!! It seems inconceivable to me how heat can escape so damn fast.... I've haven't felt hot in 3 weeks lor! Well except when I shower.

But it's really nice that for a change, there are COMPLETELY ZERO insects (feels almost orgasmic to not have cockroaches and lizards - fucking hate them), and chips don't go soft after half an hour of being left open.

I'm coming back to Singapore on the 2nd though!

I'm gonna eat... Ding tai feng's crab roe xiao long baos, and sambal kangkong... lots of veggies (my shit's very hard here coz people don't eat so much fibre), and also crates and crates of Heaven and Earth Gui Hua tea (OSMANTHUS!! Or however it is spelt!!) and Pokka Green tea!!

I also bought a shitload of sleeping pills and appetite suppressants!! Need to get prescriptions for those in Singapore... Woooo!!!

I AM GOING TO BE A SKINNY SKINNY BLOGGER!! I'm gonna be SO skinny, instead of calling me, "You know, Xiaxue, the rude/short/controversial/funny blogger", I'd be known as That Skinny Blogger. AWESOME!

I'm super going to miss US shopping lor!! Things are really cheap here (in Texas - apparently in NYC it's damn ex. Stupid), especially considering the quality and trendiness of stuff... For example, I bought a pair of chunky Steve Madden heels that's fuckkkkkkkking chio on 80% discount... $12 USD!! ($16.80 Sing)

Unfortunately they only came in size 7 and above, so I bought a pair for Shuyin and a size 7 one for me (normally I wear 4/5). I don't care if it's damn big lor I'm going to stuff tissue at the front! Well if I can't wear them I'd give them to a delighted Qihua.

In fact, I bought so much stuff that I had to buy an extra suitcase for them!! The "extra suitcase" is SATIN PINK WITH BROWN POLKA DOTS... for $29.90 USD! Freaking cheap lor for such a chio suitcase!

I can't care if nobody cares about my shopping, this is my blog and I wanna record my thoughts and my thoughts right now is about shopping! Well, besides the OTHER thought which is a sense of resentment towards irritating blog readers.

People are fucking annoying lor, people are constantly telling me that I am not as interesting anymore - which would only serve to make me very wary and obviously even less interesting.

So, I've decided I'd stop reading/allowing comments until I feel like my blog readers are all nice and approving people again! Sounds good? Yeah? Yeah??! I did think so!

Back to shopping! I spent maybe a grand total of like 6 hours (over 3 days) scouring through the SALE section of Forever 21, where all the summer clothes were piled, unwanted and unloved, into discount racks - $2.99 and up, $3.99 and up, $7.99 and up.

I had so much clothes in my arms that I had to toss them on the floor while I search for more!! The very sad thing is, the sucky Forever 21 in Singapore is CONSTANTLY sold out on SMALL and XS sizes, so sometimes I end up buying Mediums and wearing them loose... AND I SAW THE CLOTHES I BOUGHT IN SINGAPORE, SIZE S, SELLING FOR $3.99!! Super angry lor!!

In US, the least popular size is S! Bu hui happy!

If you are the Singapore Forever 21 owner, CAN YOU PLEASE TAKE IN MORE S SIZES AND NOT SO MANY OF Ls??! For goodness sake! You can't do this to your loyal customers! You make us see a nice design, and then we fucking can't wear it! What's your problem!!? (Also if you could sponsor me clothes, I'd be happy to wear them on this blog for you. *winks* :D)

I'm going to take photos of all my shopping when I reach home, and hao lian in them in minute detailS to everyone. MUAHAHAHA!!!

Ok I shall end this boring blog entry now and go watch US TV. Cable here is awesome! They are showing this show called A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila.

It's apparently this show about Tila Tequila, the most popular Myspace user, and her quest to find love.

But this is not your usual Bachelorette show... BECAUSE TILA IS BISEXUAL!!

Get to see lesbian action on TV lor! I don't think it'd be approved on Singapore TV, EVER.

But I just like the show coz Tila wears the chioest slutty clothes!! And I don't get how Tila can get blonde hair as an Asian (she's Vietnamese and stayed in Singapore till she was 1!) and still look so good! (although sometimes I think she looks like an alien).

Oh well. Love ya all!!! BYYEEE!

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clicknetwork.tv

New eps!!!

Xiaxue's Guide to Life

Episode 9 - Aunt Agony

For all you people who've ever emailed me asking for answers to your life problems!

News Asia On The Net

Episode 8 - Karaoke and Nipples

In this episode - a guy who got shot for singing off-key, and another who lost a nipple because of an exploding cellphone!!

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Flying in 2 hours

Gonna be gone from Singapore in 2 hours' time!

Sorry for the lack of blogging recently... I've got nothing interesting to blog about and quite frankly I've been super busy lately, especially this week, preparing for the trip.

So, I'm gonna be in Dallas soon! Quite exciting, even though the damn flight is like fucking 30 hours or something, if you include transit times. Bah!

We bought sibeh a lot of food though, and I have my PSP, laptop, DS lite, and reactivated Tamagotchi to accompany me!!

I am sooooo tired...

Just to inform you guys, although I am bringing my lappie with me, I estimate that the next time I blog will be like in 1 week's time. Or more. Not gonna make any promises.

I'll try to revive my dying blogging career when I come back. Maybe I'd go be a scriptwriter instead, hmmm...

xoxo y'all!!!!!!

Merry Xmas!!!



XX

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New eps!!!

Xiaxue's Guide to Life



Momo and I go to something new: A fish spa! The fishes chew on our feet's dead skin; hilarity ensues. Look at me!! I sound like one of those TV synopsis writers!!



News Asia On the Net



In this ep Howard and Debbie discusses the many, many perils of marriage, as once again Debbie shows her deranged side. Hahaha!

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