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XIAXUE'S GUIDE TO LIFE

Here's your guide to having everyone call you an intellectual! And watch me solve the Rubik's Cube in it please! I had to practice for mad long before I could remember all the algorithms ok?!

P/s: My quickest time now is about 1.30 mins.

CHICK VS DICK

Ever felt like you want to punch Kaykay, or more likely, Paul? You should watch them do it to each other.

BORED IN BIKINIS



Suntanning right smack in the middle of Orchard Road. Seems like a good idea.

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How many times do I have to say it? I DON'T FUCKING WANT AN IPHONE!

THIS SHITTY ARTICLE I accidentally had the misfortune to read that day pissed me off really bad.

According to them,

"iPhone users are happier.

Their phones are smarter.

And BlackBerry users have a serious (not minor, mind you) case of iPhone envy."

I'm sorry to say this, but no.

ALL the blackberry users I've ever met are exceedingly happy with their berries, with the exception of one lone guy who said he'd rather have an iPhone because he is forced to use a berry by his company. Some are even iPhone converts.

I don't give a shit about the fucking iPhone and whether it trumps the Berry, but iRetards putting words in our (by our I mean Berry users) mouths saying we SECRETLY COVET an iPhone just FUCKING PISSES ME OFF!

This article is written by Rebecca Lieb who is CLEARLY an iRetard herself.

I read the survey by Crowd Science which she based her article on, hell, even went to see the graphs and all, and nowhere in the survey shows that iPhony people are happier, or that their phones are smarter (omg so baseless it's making me bristle I'm so pissed off), or that BLACKBERRY USERS HAVE A SERIOUS (mind you, not minor) CASE OF IPHONE ENVY.

1) iPhone Envy

The Blackberry Bold and iPhone 3G BOTH launched in August 2008. A new handset of Bold without a plan is STILL selling for $800++.

How much are iPhones 3G now? I'm sure you know the answer is embarrassing compared to that of the price of a berry. ;)

Oh, is that not fair now, because of 3GS coming out? Therefore iPhone 3G's price went down?

The Javelin Curve 8900 came out AFTER the Blackberry Bold. Smaller, lighter, with a better camera. Both the bold AND curve's prices never dipped. What now, iRetard?

Don't say I didn't provide statistics: BOLD PRICES VS IPHONE PRICES, by Singtel.

Oh wow, with a price plan of about $50 monthly, the Bold is actually more expensive than the iPhone 3GS! No wonder unemployed people and students can all afford it.

I have now proven that Blackberries are generally more expensive than iPhones.

And this is NOT INCLUDING monthly Blackberry data plans which is almost crucial for every Berry user. The unlimited plans are $36, $63 and $63 respectively for Starhub, M1 and Singtel, ON TOP OF normal phone plans.


So tell me: Is it even logical that Blackberry users are secretly craving for an iPhone?


What the hell are we waiting for then? We can actually sell the berry, cancel our data plans, and MAKE A PROFIT... At the same time satisfying our lusty, innate attraction to the mighty iPhone!

But no thanks, that would make us iRetards.

LOGIC FAIL.

2) Stupid surveys are done by stupid people

Firstly, people who do online surveys are retarded, and we know how many iPhone users are JUST THAT RETARDED.

Secondly, the whole Crowd Science survey was CLEARLY iPhone-centered. If you are doing to ask do a survey titled "iPhone vs Other Smartphones Poll", who do you think will answer?

You think Blackberry users will bother to do your stupid shitass survey about iPhones? THINK AGAIN.

And I'm proven right again: Click HERE if you can be bothered to see the details of the survey.

Right there on the last page - It states clearly that they have a puny Blackberry user base. Expectedly so.

3) Boohoo... Blackberry users don't use wifi!

According to Rebecca Lieb, "(iRetards) take advantage of a myriad of iPhone features, particularly online apps and services."

I get it - she's trying to insinuate that people who use smartphones other than iPhones are too dumb to take advantage of the phone's intelligence. Only iRetards are smart enough to use the internet on their phone!

And what's her evidence of this? According to her article, a stupid Wireless network operating in airports report that their users are mostly iRetards.

I don't know what sort of journalist does shoddy research like this, but let me tell you this: Blackberry users DO NOT need wifi at airports because Berry users all have Blackberry data plans.

We don't need to PAY for wifi. Most people with berries have their companies paying for their internet usage.

iRetards.

I fucking had enough of iRetards and their general high opinions of themselves. I believe that Apple evangelists think even higher of their own IQ than, say, Rubik's Cube Enthusiasts.

As I twittered, here's my impression of a grunting mentally subpar raving iFanboy:

"EVERYONE HAS APPLE ENVY AND SECRETLY WANTS AN APPLE!"

Face it: Sometimes people sincerely like oranges, stop shoving your shit down people's throats!


And since people always like to kao peh about how much better iPhones are than any other phone in the world, I'm gonna give you a list of...

100 REASONS WHY THE BERRY
IS BETTER THAN THE IPHONE

1) iPhone users includes Plasticzilla and jobless Bradley Farless. If you use an iphone, you are in the same league as them.

2) Oh, you guy recently just got Push Email? The Berry has been doing it since 2002. My, that's 7 years ago.

3) You all think you look so cool with all the finger swiping actions. You just look like Tom Cruise in Minority Report: RETARDED.

4) Our phones don't try to BURN us to death.

Evidence 1, 2, 3, 4.

iPhones apparently get so hot they turn red and might actually explode! ALERT ALERT PLASTICZILLA!

Oh it's ok babe I just checked and silicon melts at 1410 degree celsius. Your nose, chin and forehead are safe! :D


5) Our batteries are not only non-explosive, they can also be interchanged when our batteries run out of juice.

6) And speaking of which our battery life is much longer.

7) Windows hates Apple so your MSN sucks and always will. Sorry.

8) The mighty Blackberry Messenger. Comes built-in with Berry. Trumps every chat program on phones, hands down.

Comes with nudges, ability to send files, group chat etc. Tells you if your chat message is unsent, delivered or read. Alerts you when your chat partner comes back to the phone. Ability to send your location. Ability to boardcast message to all contacts. Berry-to-Berry users everywhere in the world chat for free.

9) I'm sorry, can your applications still not do something as simple as running in the background?

How basic and important is this? We Berry users try to load a website, let it load in the background, and go on MSN to chat, or check out our twitter updates. It's never boring waiting with the Berry because every-single-application can be run in the background.

Some applications even update themselves and ding us when we want them to!

10) Berry users don't need stupid iTunes to upload songs or files. Drag and drop.

11) Expandable memory card space.

12) Got a paper cut on your finger pad and had to put a plaster on it? Freezing cold and you are using gloves? You still can use the Berry.

13) Consideration towards girls with long nails and boys with fat fingers.

14) Did I mention this yet? We have QWERTY KEYBOARDS if you want a Berry with one.

15) LED light on the phone has option to flash multiple colours to indicate if you have an email, BBM message, MSN message, FB message, SMS or Missed calls. Why? Because all these functions are in-house RIM (that's Blackberry's company name) programs.

This is important because you don't even need to pick up the phone to know who's contacting you via which method.

16) The iPhone's camera has no flash... Now the 3GS has no flash on BOTH cameras! HAHAHA! That's like having 2 hands with no fingers on them, only slightly better than having 1 hand with no fingers on it. What's that? No zoom too? No wonder your twitpics are always so shitty.

17) Got people you dial often? It only takes ONE press-and-hold of any key you assigned to them to call them - on the Berry.

18) Men who use blackberries have larger penises than men who use iPhones. I gathered my statistics from a respectable survey by BiasedforBlackberries.com. I didn't just make that website up.

19) Ok I'm getting really sleepy now.

20) iPhone users are smellier. Also survey results. I sniffed a pool of iPhone and Berry users to conclude this.

21) iPhones are supposed to be cool? How come all the celebrities are using Berries?

22) iPhone evangelists are twats.

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Are my 100 reasons fab or what?


iPhonies are always licking each others' assholes, saying how they are smarter, more savvy, more fun, richer, better-looking, etc etc...

The only absolutely proven thing about
iPhone users is that they are more buay paiseh.

Geez... Self Praise much??

(Buay paiseh = shameless)


Every comment defending the iPhone will be deleted.

I don't give a shit about your dumbass evangelism and how you are superior just coz you use an iPhone. I hate Apple evangelisers and WILL NOT let you use my blog as your advertising platform.

Go fucking write your shitass opinions on your own, doubtlessly, zen-looking blog containing photos of the third-world country visits you made. Quit bothering me.


p/s: If you are an iPhone user who never evangelized to me or have ever acknowledged that the iPhone also has its flaws, then I'm not talking about you.

p/p/s: Oh and fuck you Rebecca Lieb. Quit spreading lies!

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3cm gone, thanks to CENOSIS!

Advertorial

When Nuffnang told me that Cenosis was inviting me to go for a slimming treatment, I felt elated and apprehensive at the same time.

Elated because I saw what they did for Quan Yi Feng (and trust me I saw her MANY times in real life and she's SUPER slim!) and I wanted the same results!

Apprehensive because let's face it, who trusts Slimming Companies? For some reason, everyone's first reaction is that they don't work. And if they don't work, how the hell am I supposed to write an advertorial for them?!

I walked into Cenosis and these slim ladies in suits started to talk to me. One in charge of Biz development, another is a nutritionist, and yet another is a physiotherapist!

We were talking about the slimming industry and I was surprised to see how frank the girls were about how untrustworthy slimming centres are generally perceived to be.

Since there are no board of governance in the slimming industry, there are loads of misleading ads out there simply lying about slimming technologies, a subject which most clients have no idea about.

Especially now that the economy is in the dumps, competitors start to get more and more blatant with their lies to get customers.

Of course, the actual slimming is promised but never fulfilled, and one bad apple starts to ruin the whole basket.

When Cenosis explained to me how underhanded their competitors can be (by showing me actual ads), I could FEEL their indignation seething.

I can totally understand it! Just like when Plasticzilla was blowing up her hits and only I know it's impossible but I can't prove it!

Cenosis wants to CHANGE this perception. They want to show that their slimming methods DO work.

And so they bought my current favourite robot,
called a CAVITATION machine.

This machine is obviously mad expensive and Cenosis is the only slimming centre which owns it.

So now you are thinking it's just another bullshit machine?

Well...

It's a medical machine.

Only PHYSIOTHERAPISTS and DOCTORS can administer this treatment.

The machine works at 50watts.

Therefore, it requires an N2 license from the National Environment Agency.

The N2 license is a safety assurance license to ensure nobody but certified physiotherapists and doctors can handle the machine.

What IS a physiotherapist? I was surprised to find out that physiotherapists are degree holders and they actually have to study for 5 years to get a degree in Physiotherapy before they qualify as one!

So not to worry, it won't be some untrained part-time girl doing the treatments on you!

Back to Cavitation... What does it do?

It breaks down fat cells membrane through the bursting of micro bubbles. The complex fatty acids then are broken down into simpler fatty acids, which are passed out when you poop.

(I got horrified at this point and asked if it's like Xanical and thank god, it isn't. Just regular poop.)

Other slimming centres (I'd love to name names but Cenosis wants to remain nice) have been coming up with ads of 'imitation' Cavitation machines.

Since cavitation involves penetrating deep in to break the fat cells membrance, other less strong machines won't be able to do it, so don't fall for cheaper deals that don't work - just go for the real thing!

But first, because I get to try Cavitation, I must first get on the Body Composition Evaluator.

There it is


I hate this stupid thing because
it told me I should be IDEALLY...



39.5 kg!

I know it sounds like it's very little but I'm mad short so that should be my ideal weight.

I always knew I was pudgy lah but I so did not need to see confirmation of that. Hmpf!

But first, the ladies bring me on a tour to see what's actually going on inside a slimming centre. Not any slimming centre of course. Cenosis!

Look at this mad awesome jacuzzi!

The jacuzzi is open for ALL CUSTOMERS to use after their treatments, for free, so that they can have a completely relaxing treatment session. Imagine going with your girlfriend for a treatment then gossiping in that tub in bikinis? Fun!

Steam rooms and saunas are both available!


The "Infu-slim".

It uses water treatments for massage and slimming effects!

The treatment rooms are specially designed for clients' comfort.

Looks like a normal bed? You are WRONG!

The bed is some like complicated machine that has a remote for you to adjust your own head rest, foot rest and back rest!

And there's a phone attached to it too so you can call the front desk at any time!

Best thing is, you can play your own cd if you don't like Cenosis' music! I'd totally blast my therapist with JA JAM BO!!! Too bad they don't play cassettes.

Some more pictures of their rooms with machines:





The slim wave



The Aero-Slim



The Heat Blanket



And amazingly enough, there are more!!!

CHECK IT OUT! There must be a million dollars worth of equipment in there!


And so I change into my robes...

And camwhore for a bit before my physiotherapist comes in!!
Woohoo!!



My favourite machine after my blackberry/LX3.





I have no idea what this is for... They were stuck on me before treatment begins!

And they decided to do my thighs for me!!!


So fat, no wonder...

CAVITATION IS AMAZING!!!!!!


Measurements show that
I lost 1.5 cm on each thigh!!

Not only that, after a mere 20 min treatment on each thigh, I could literally FEEL the difference! I could feel it being slimmer and I swear I'm not lying!

For some reason the treatment hurt my left thigh more than my right (the pain is really very tolerable, like a buzzing sensation) so the voltage used on my right was 80 or something and on my left was 45!

And amazingly enough, I could see that my right thigh was visibly smaller than the left!!!

I'm totally sold on it man!

But wait! The treatment doesn't stop here!

After buzzing me up, Cenosis gave me food! Yes f-ing way!

It's the 1st Slimming Centre that launched a Nutri-bar right there in their centre... It even has a kitchen that serves food to clients planned by in-house nutritionists!

Awesome boh?

Afraid you'd succumb to KFC after slimming treatments? Well, just have your fill of healthy food at Cenosis!

First I get served a drink...

Honeydew and Plum!

I drank all of mine. It's sour and totally refreshing! The pulp from the fruits are all left in the drinks for extra nutrients. And I know it looks gross but it's really nice!

The menu that day was Indian styled cooking, so we had briyani and spinach...

Together with Fish Curry!

I won't say it's the best meal of my life. In fact, it's bland but I love it! I love how the food is not oily and over-powering in taste like most outside food.

After eating you definitely won't feel unwell (if you know what I mean, like your stomach is protesting), and you'd feel totally refreshed! And it tastes like comfort food, like the family dinners grandma used to cook!

I probably love unhealthy food more than the average person does but it feels really detoxifying to have something so healthy for a change.

Pah! Food is totally the worst hindrance when it comes to losing weight. I think it's awesome that Cenosis came up with this!

And of course, a lovely hot cup of tea to polish everything off.

Don't know if you guys have heard of the Slimming Glass House Challenge. Last year, Cenosis had Quan Yi Feng do slimming treatments in a glass house for everyone to see, so that people will know what the treatments are like.


This year they are doing it again and a fellow blogger, Winnilicious, is chosen! Do support her in her quest to become slim! :D


p/s: A trial Cavitation treatment is at $33 so call Cenosis at 7000 700 6626!!!

For more information on Cavitation technology, do click here!!

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The Best Decisions

Today I was thinking about life and how decisions let us either make it or break it.

People often look back upon the decisions and even if it's an obviously wrong one, they go like, "Yeah but I'm not bad now and I think that decision made me wiser/stronger/fiercer etc". Or maybe that's just me coz I'm madly optimistic like that.

Well, I think my life is pretty darn good so here are all the best, totally life-changing, decisions I think I've made in my life!

Not in order of bestness.

1) Answering his email.

Many of you have asked about the love story between Mike and I. Well, to cut a very, very long story short (I still hope it'd be made into a movie although it has no ending, yet), we met on the internet.

Mike sent me an email. A rather typical one I'd say... He sent me that email because he likes short girls and wanted to correct me on my perception that all men love tall chicks!

That email was rather funny but afterall I get quite a lot of emails from readers and I don't bother to reply most of them.

EXCEPT.

His email had a picture attached to it. It's a CUTEEEEEE picture.

Still, he's from America and what's the point of flirting with him when I'd probably never get to meet him, right?!

(Wrong!)

So anyway, I replied, and a few more funny email replies from him later, we started to chat on msn... The rest is history... Or at least another blog post saved for another day!

Even if he breaks my heart now at least I still had 3 of the happiest years of my life and nothing can take that away!!

Are they my happiest years? Ok I just thought about it and they are indeed. Cheers!

2) Starting this blog.

Thank god I was bored that one day in April 2003.

3) Persevering through haters.

So many times I've wanted to give up and shut down the blog after reading hurtful comments. Keep in mind I wasn't earning any money at those points so I basically was getting spewed vitriol at for nothing!

Luckily for me, I'm bloody thick-skinned and an attention whore.

Surprisingly enough, nowadays haters just make me feel even more secure about myself.

I go like, "Boo, this sad little fellow is spending all his time writing me a longass email trying his darnest to hurt me but the tragic thing is that I can't even be bothered to reply!"

4) Checking through my spam that one fine day.

The first advertorial/sponsorship on my blog is by Localbrand. This has NEVER been done in Singapore and the idea was conceived by Localbrand's owner and founder, Turodrique Fuad. (His name is mad funny right?!)

His email went into my spam folder. (With a name like that obviously go into Spam ahahahaha!)

And for some reason I went to check it and saw that Turodrique wanted to sponsor and pay me to wear his t-shirts on my blog! Not wet white see-thru ones either!

I was a poor student part-timing as a banquet waitress at this point so obviously I jumped at the chance!

This received local news coverage (thanks Newpaper!) and made my hits jump from 500 daily to about 3,000.

We discussed more about how to do this (ie be honest it's an ad, or just do it sneakily? You can guess which route Turodrique advised me to choose - another great decision) and till today he remains one of the greatest mentors I've ever had.

Just for example, the Pixel Grid, which has earned me more than $10,000 to date, was suggested by him. (And he found it on milliondollarhomepage lah, just that he suggested I incorporate it on the blog).

I love you TurorororodridridriQQQQQue!

5) Getting a nose job

$12,000 nose job in exchange for letting the whole world know I'm part plastic. Yes or no?

My mom, relatives, some friends (yes you Howard!) and even MIKE were deeply opposing the idea.

It's funny how nobody EVER praised my old nose before and suddenly I'm filled with comments here and there saying "IT LOOKS OK WHAT!".

Totally don't look ok lor. Muthafucking huge.

I only remember Kaykay telling me to go for it. LOL!

I used to feel so conscious everytime my photo was taken coz I know the nose would be so goddamn mushroomy.

And yet I chose to go against all these people who meant well for me and did it! The nose is SO MUCH SMALLER NOW!

I totally can't dig my nose with my finger anymore but it's totally worth it. Believe it or not, I use the less severe end of the pimple picker (like a spatula) to scrap out boogers while showering. If you ever use my shower, I advise you not to use my pimple picker.

Why the hell you using other people's pimple picker anyway?!

6) Not apologizing to the Plasticzilla.

Coz she smells like armpits and smegma. HAHAHAHA! No lah seriously... I knew she had no balls!

7) Meeting/believing in Gillian.

For those of you who have no idea yet, Gillian is the founder of munkysuperstar pictures. She also created shows like Eye for a Guy, S factor... And of course the whole of Clicknetwork.tv's spew of great internet films and my very own TV show Girls Out Loud, co-hosted with Rozzie.

So the story goes like this: Two 'directors' arranged to meet me during 2006... Just so happens at about the same time.

I met the first director and nothing happened with her. She just said she wanted me to star in a film and then disappeared! Maybe my nose was too big.

When Gillian wanted to meet me to discuss a tv show with me, I felt pretty apprehensive but went to meet her anyway.

She was 26 then and honestly looks like she's too chio to be accomplishing anything of value.

Anyway she was speaking in these vague terms about creating a reality show based on my blog. She sounded really excited and said she'd draft up episodes and discuss with me again.

Sounds great, right?

Except the woman disappeared after that. Like for 3 months or so. Fucking waste my time and raise my hopes!! Fine, I do have a lot of time to waste but that's not the point.

Afterwards she called me again and said that she had the episode ideas ready and would like to meet me again!

And guess why she didn't contact me? Coz her appendix ruptured during the start of a 10-hour plane ride and almost killed her!!

People was in hospital recovering from near-death experience and there I was, telling my friends what a lazy ass that director is, all looks no substance etc. HAHAHA!

Ahem. I think I'm really quite a nasty person. I'm surprised I still have friends left. I guess it must be my dashing good looks and seductive scent. Cough.

Anyway, months and months and months later, this reality show idea, without much credit to me, morphed into Girls Out Loud and made me a TV star! An 8-episode local TV star but a TV star nonetheless!

And of course till today munkysuperstar is managing me and we have just celebrated our 50th Guide to Life episode!!

Most Guide ideas are from either her or Munky's awesome staff... With them I've experienced so much more in life, including putting Mayo on my hair and almost getting pinched to death by crabs...

Gillian is the one encouraging me to write the movie script and applied for the $6,000 grant, which we got! Hopefully it gets made into a full-length feature film!

And not only do we have a good (I hope) working relationship, she's also an awesome friend!

I bless the dua pek gong for the day I met her!

8) Not dating shitty guys anymore

One day just snapped out of it and realised that I'm at least worth a guy committing to me instead of just playing me around. A man who'd love me and think I'm perfect. Not a man who thinks the next girl might be better or more suitable for him than me.

Fuck that shit. I fucking had enough of JERKS who think they are all that! I'd rather be single than be treated like a dispensable and slightly used plastic fork!

Right on cue Mike appeared. I believe there must be a Love God.

Ok actually Mike appeared when I was still dating a jerk, but thank god he hung around for a bit longer while I talked to him about my Jerk Woes.

******************************

Ok fine. Upon re-reading my post I realised no. 2, 4, 7 are more of a luck thing than a decision thing. Whatever! They still involve at least a weee bit of decision-making on my part!



And so these are some of the best decisions I've made in my life! As Homer Simpson would crudely correct me, the best SO FAR!

Hopefully more to come!

What are some of the best decisions you've made that changed your life completely??

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7up goes Au Naturale!

Advertorial

Whoever heard of sodas/soft drinks ever been good for you?

Sometime ago Mike told me that every time he got sick as a kid, his mom would always get him 7up to drink.

When he told me that I didn't believe him.

Hello, my mom boils me horrid Ginger Tea and various other herbal nonsense while he gets to have a soda when he's sick! How unfair is that?

And we Asian kids are not even allowed regular sodas because it makes us "cough"!

It seems impossible but here's what Google says:

Lo and Behold, the angmohs DO drink 7up when they are sick!

The reasons seem to be unclear - something about the bubbly making you burp???

Of course, loads of people also argued with this method, stating that soft drinks are full of artificial flavourings and can never be good for your body.

Well now believers of this 7up-curing-illnesses myth can be even happier!

Notice anything different?

7up, the no. 1 best-selling lemon lime flavoured soft drink in Singapore, have just gone au naturale!!

The same great taste but now made with natural flavours! YAY!

And to celebrate this, 7up is giving away movie tickets!! Not sure how that's relevant, but it seems good for us anyway.

Erm, maybe you guys can make a guess how many movie tickets are going to be given away...?

50? Nope...


100? Nope...


1000? Still quite far from it...


Correct answer is...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

5,208!!!!!

That's just plain ridiculous. I can't even imagine how large a box needs to be to store that amount of tickets. Ok lah maybe not that big, but still!

This amount is actually the largest ever given by a beverage company.

SEVEN movie tickets are just WAITING to be grabbed EVERY HOUR EVERYDAY for a month till the 31st of July!


Here's what you have to do to get 'em:

1) Buy a 7up anywhere

2) Login to 7up.com.sg

3) Key in your batch code! To know what this is, click on the website!

And fill up the form!

4) Invite 6 friends to watch a movie with you! I hope you have 6 friends.

5) Once they confirm, you'd have a lucky draw chance!

If your invited friend wants to win the tickets too, they can also do so!! Although if my friend also wins tickets and doesn't invite me as one of his/her 6 I'd be so annoyed. HAHAHA see 7up contest also must have etiquette one!!


After joining, you can go enjoy your naturally lemony 7up!

YUMS!

Check out 7up's new TV ad!




It's not fair that when I was 4 Fido Dido become a star and he looked like that. Now I'm 25 and he didn't age at all - still looks the same!

Fido Dido is sexy......


As you can see he is in love with me.






Aww! Don't be jealous baby I still love you the most!



Click here to get your tickets!!





Very expensive nowadays can get free must get free!!

P/s: Totally irrelevant but I'm awesome at the 7up game!!

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In defence of Bleached Blondes

Ever since I bleached my hair more or less platinum blonde, I've been getting all sorts of CRAP comments.

It's weird because for the longest time I've had my hair sorta really light brown but just not quite blonde yet, and nobody gave two hoots.

Oh, here's an obviously Chinese girl!

But once it crossed the threshold from caramel to 'blonde' blonde, people start all sorts of accusations.

I am trying to be an angmoh! I am abandoning my Chinese roots! Xiaxue you are an insecure, self-hating disgusting heritage ditcher!

This is pissing me off SO FUCKING BAD.

FUCK YOU ALL.

Firstly, GET OVER YOURSELF. It's just a muthafucking hair colour.

Do Chinese people typically have brown/red hair? NO THEY DON'T!

We have BLACK HAIR.

And then like a half of the Asian female population in Singapore have dyed BROWN hair - nobody says anything!

Having BROWN hair is as un-Asian as having Blonde hair isn't it?

Or so are you trying to say that there is a DEGREE to which you can abandon your "roots"?

DYEING BROWN NOT HIDING BLACK MEH?

And oh, I've had my hair black, varieties of brown, ash, green, red (long ago), pink, and BLONDE.

When I was all the other colours, you mean I wasn't trying to act angmoh and suddenly now I have a change in personality and decided to?

I'd tell you why so few people have bleached blonde hair.

- It destroys your hair.
- It doesn't look good on everyone. Not saying it does on me, but I like it.
- It is incredibly expensive to maintain. Mine is sponsored.
- It is a wild colour and schools and most office jobs won't allow it.

And that's why it is so special - and I love attention so I want to be special!

It's just a bloody hair colour and just because I like that colour doesn't mean I necessarily hate being Chinese!

In fact, as my URL so proudly proclaims, I love being Chinese, and I love being Singaporean. My parents are fully Chinese and I've never claimed otherwise.

As for the coloured lens, plenty of other chicks wear them too, purely because everyone else has black irises and it's BORING. Nose job? Anyone who saw my old nose won't deny that I needed one. Angmoh boyfriend? Had him for 3 years before I had blonde hair.

I hate the accusations that come with my decision to be a bleached blonde. So for the last time, I AM NOT TRYING TO BE ANYTHING. (Maybe except special.) I just LIKE THE COLOUR!

Just like I like pink. It doesn't have a deeper meaning than that.

Why the fuck should I be pressured to stay with my black hair when I know I look boring (and imho, ugly and greasy) in black hair?

Just to look Chinese? Well fuck you again. I'm trying to look like a Chinese Albino. You happy now? Not abandoning roots now am I?

Anyway, part of the reason for this tirade is due to a fucker called BRADLEY FARLESS.

One day, I was having dinner with Mike at a food court in Pasir Ris when Bradley was also eating there.

He then blogged this:

Firstly, he doesn't know who I am. I was basically an innocent stranger to him, albeit a stranger who intruded on his opinion about Asians keeping their hair colour.

Didn't anyone tell him that it's incredibly rude to snap someone's photo and blog shit about them?

He didn't even have the decency to mosaic my face.

And secondly, after posting up my photo, he started to ACCUSE ME.

He presumed that I was trying to look white. Excuse me but where is your proof of that? Do you know me that well?

Secondly he presumed that Mike loved me because I looked white. He doesn't know BALLS about our relationship. Look at him go!

His whole entry reeked of the presumption that white men come to Singapore for Asian girls or that White men like Asian girls. I'm sorry Bradley, not every white dude is as racist as you.

AND WHAT IS THIS PHILOSOPHICAL RUBBISH ABOUT ASIAN GIRLS LOOKING GOOD BECAUSE THEY ARE AND LOOK ASIAN??

What the fuck is that? Does that even make any sense? It's like saying Fat chicks look good because they are fat and look fat. WTF??

Fuck you.

Never mind this first entry of his. Afterward, someone told me who I was, and this made him spew a SECOND blog entry.

Mind you, I did nothing to him personally.

Started off by saying I look like shit. You know, LOADS OF PEOPLE LOOK LIKE SHIT. Stephen Hawking, for one, is not a looker either, although he is smart as hell. Why aren't you criticizing his looks?

Oh, I get it. It's because you don't like me.

That's right.

Well.

You ain't much of a looker YOURSELF:

At least I'm not bald at the age of 28.

Imagine someone looking like THAT calling you ugly. Angry not??

And where's his penis? Must be tiny.

Continuation of his blog entry:

This loser with probably less than 100 readers on his SHITASS BLOG per day is trying to teach me how to blog!!

Hilarious and buay paiseh much??

My English is crap. And I don't do balance or moderation, but guess what? I am still the top blogger in Singapore so you can suck on my balls!


"Photos should be used to augment content" - Advice from a loser. Funny! I should listen to him. He sounds like he has been blogging for ages with much success.

Oh and for some reason, he seems to have taken issue with my Chipster Advertorial, naively thinking I've got nothing better to do than to blog about potato chips.

My dear, I was paid THOUSANDS for that entry by a reputable MNC. If you think I've nothing better to do than to go blog something, think again. Retard.

You know, I find the second last sentence particularly enlightening.

Listen, Bradley found that I made him feel
better about himself as a person.

Normally I am not so cruel as to highlight a loser's inadequacies so harshly, but hey, you asked for it.

I did more research into this fucker's life and I found out a lot more about him.

He was originally from Alaska and was in the army till he finally quit it.

He is presumably mixed. Dad's white mom's dunno what:

His parents

His wife is Filipino and never graduated from college, and neither did he.

For some reason, both of them are not from Singapore yet decided to reside here.

In April, he posted this blog entry up.

This loser, there is no other word for it, has been jobless for almost a year.


He has been living in Singapore with his wife.

AND PRESUMABLY HAS HIS WIFE PROVIDING FOR HIM.

Unless he has some trust fund which I doubt so, but either way, what sort of man at 28 does not work?

He lives in a sad dingy rented room in Pasir Ris at $600 with a Singaporean host family.


And there he goes, typing shit about girls online just like you'd expect any other sad loser would. It's so stereotypical it's almost laughable. Hey dude, why not look for a job instead of writing advice to bloggers?


I was looking at his tweets. He typically sleeps around 5am and wakes up after noon. Does that sound like a guy who is TRYING HARD to look for a job?

IMHO, only lazy, useless, unambitious bums who leech off their kins can be jobless for so long. Can't find a job? Try MacDonalds! Or are you too good for that?

Well, maybe you are vastly over-estimating your self-worth. :)

At the age of 19 Bill Gates set up his own software company. Hell, even I at 19 was starting to get press and making my mark in the world.

At the age of 28 most men are already building their careers, building their families.

At 28 all he has is a bald pate, and ugly cat lady as a wife (more about that later), and NOTHING TO HIS NAME.

His only claim to fame is that a semi-famous blogger once blogged about him.

I don't want to go on about how ACCOMPLISHED I am in contrast to that useless lump because it's arrogance.

But does he have the rights to comment anything about me? No.

Calling me shallow and stupid? If you so deep and clever, where are you in life? PRECISELY.

Really embarrassing to have a chick you are insulting earn way more than you do. Me and Paris Hilton both.



Anyway, never mind these two blog entries he made about me.


After these are written, I was still clueless because obviously I don't read his blog.

Then, the fucker had the nerve to @TheXiaxue me on a tweet, saying that my twitter updates are BORING.

(For those of you who don't know, if you put an @ before a person's nickname, the person can see your tweet as a 'reply')


This led me to his blog. I then read the first two entries as posted.

I retaliated by tweeting that his wife is uglier than I am.

Of course, this fucker wanting hits for his site, wrote A THIRD blog entry about me, and here it is:

Typical.

When I said his wife is uglier than me, he pulled out my old Maxim photoshoot. Congrats, you found my ugliest photo in existance. So?



FIRST off, I have no qualms about what he called "dragging his wife into the picture".

As you all can see, the wife also left a barrage of comments about me prior to my tweet about her. She said I'm stupid and made remarks about my site. So is she innocent? She is not.

Secondly, if you want to say I am ugly out of NOWHERE, then I can also say your wife/mom is ugly if I want to.

Your remark about me being ugly is UNPROVOKED, so why can't I make UNPROVOKED remarks about your family?

Sounds FAIR, doesn't it?

ONE FOR ONE.


AND THIRDLY, here are his wife's tweets about me.

Oh, so this bitch wants to get into this too!!


Since she and her husband are so adamant that she is better-looking than me, here are a few of her choice photos for you to see:

What crap about it being the end of the day and his wife was tired... I'm sorry but it seems as if she looks typically even greasier and uglier!

Oh and that photo taken without my permission was also at the end of the day with me in ratty clothes and no make-up on. I DON'T SEE ME LETTING MYSELF GO LIKE THAT!

You think I chose her ugliest photos and tried to embarrass her? Don't take my word for it, feel free to check out her MYSPACE profile's photo albums before she shuts it down.

I didn't want to blog anything about this fucker despite him writing 3 blog entries about me. Since he is such a sad little loser I thought I'd let him off.

But then, up till yesterday, the fucker was still steadily tweeting a stream of nasty shit about me.

I presume he either really hates me or just badly wants me to blog about him. If it's the latter here's your wish granted!!

And here's the "WHORE" photo in question:



Do I look like a whore?


Pic credit Jessica

I was wearing a cute lilac M)phosis romper for Christ's sake. Whores do not wear rompers coz they are so difficult to fuck in, ya know?

Fucking losers. Hey Margee, do your colleagues at NTUC Income (if there is where you work according to the lanyard) know you have a loser of a husband?

Fucktards. Get the fuck out of Singapore.

UPDATE:

The cat lady twittered 2 new tweets about me:

xiaxue top blogger? keep telling yourself that fake blond.

Funny leh! This sorta thing need to argue one meh?

Tempting to post the $10,000 cheque photo again. Tempting. Won't. Am a girl with self-restrain. Shall be more humble.

And the second tweet whining and whimpering about how she is 8 months short of finishing med school or something.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Never finish also can talk about it one ah? Like that I am 8 years short of finishing a PHD! How? Clever not???

I thought only the husband is a loser but she's slowly going on par!

Which is more loserish, never starting something, or starting something halfway and giving up/failing??

Always finish what you start honey!

*plants big L on forehead*

Almost a doctor, huh? If so, why are you still living in a dingy little flat doing customer service? Go and be a goddamn doctor if you can make it! Betcha can't! And till then, stop claiming to be a doctor and stfu!

And I'm not 'crying', silly. Why should I? I'm rich. MUAHAHAHA! Not rich rich, but richer than YOU, a half-fucked doctor!!

Oh and OF COURSE... I was right about the dude having a small penis and no balls. He deleted all blog entries related to me.

He was the one daring me to blog about him and now this!

If it's possible, I lost even more respect for him! Stand by your fucking opinions, fuckface! You can't afford to add SPINELESS to your long list of bad traits!!

Second UPDATE:

He deleted whole blog. Nice!

I'm totally happy today.


p/s: I am not afraid of giving hits to him because shitty bloggers will never be able to maintain it. :)

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