Friday, May 30, 2003

I woke up today suddenly thinking of the movie title, HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS.

The absurdity of that statement suddenly pounced on me. I dunch even understand why u need that long a time.

There are certain things that guys have ZERO tolerance over. I know the worldy secrets.

The author shall now teach you TEN THINGS TO DO TO MAKE A GUY LOSE YOU IN ONE DAY.

Firstly, be prepared first. 3 days before the big day, shave EVERYTHING (except facial hair)! Armpits, pubes, leg, arm, anal if u have hair there.

Invite him to your place. Make sure there is no one else at home.

Alright here is what u do.

1) Train your family pet to act dead. Put ketchup on the pet. Train the pet not to lick it up first. When he comes, act as if u are shoving the dead pet away. Shove the pet to outside your house (where he can forlick happily again). Admit that u had beat the pet up coz you were so angry with yourself. Admit that u sometimes get uncontrollable convulsions like that. Assure him that the family pet dying will not affect the happy evening.

Stare at him with Bambi eyes and say that u are so glad that he accepts u the way u are.

The next moment, make a vase drop on the ground and act as if it was an accident. ROAR in anger as you take maybe the scanner or something heavy to smash the vase into a thousand million pieces. This is easy, imagine the vase is Anwar having sodomy. Very smashable indeed.

As you smash the vase, remember to shout "That will teach you to fall off the shelf!!! That will teach you!!! I will fucking kill you!"

2) Complete the above sentence with an extremely loud "KAN NI NA BU CHAO CHEEBYE!"

Watch as his face contours into horror as he finally realises your violent tendencies. And guys hate girls saying bad words. We are supposed to be gently nursing babies as they kill each other during wars.

3) Breathe very hard as you smile at him again. Let your non violent self take over. Admit you are sometime shizophrenic.

Tell him it is controllable though, not to worry. A moment after this, ask him:
"Did my alter ego talk to you just now darling? I think it killed the cat/dog/ostrish/lama!"

4) Step 4 works for non-smokers. Take out a Dunhill hard pack and smoke away. Admit that all this while you have been a smoker. You didnt want to let him find out. Actually, you are really really sick of acting like a Shu nu already. There are so many things he should find out about you.... Pull him but his shirt front and lead him to bed...

5) Step 4's spoken words should be said with lethal bad breath. This is very important so dunch brush your teeth for 3 days. Make sure a piece of kangkong is stuck between the front teeth.

When he asked u in horror, "When was the last time you ate Kang Kong?"

Think for a long time. (gives him more time to freak out) And then say, "Three days ago lor, why? Hahhaa smartie how did you guess?"

6) When you guys reached your room, which I presume has a computer, tell him you want to turn him on. Show him your amazing collection of porn downloaded from Kazaa.

It is all about beastiality, necrophillia, incest, child porn and all the norm. A straight guy cannot stand sodomy. Get some of those too.

7) He should be freaking turned off by now. If he still manages an erection, you shld be freaked out. In fact, if he goes out of the house to telling you he wants to retrieve the dead cat/dog/ostrish/lama to add to your sexual adventures, call the police. As he mumbles "Holy shit! This is great. How often can you get necro-beastiality!", whack him on the head with the scanner which is spoilt already anyway and shove him outta the house.

If he is too shocked to do anything except to be pulled into the room, take his hands to touch your leg. Against the grain.

Smile innocently as he jumps away and says "Wah lau you never shave ah!"

Say that you already said you are sick of being a Shu nu. Sigh. Why muz you shave? Women come naturally with hair what! Show him your armpit hair. Show him the stubbles of the pubes. Anal hair too if you have.

8) If this somehow leads to sex, tell him that all these while he didnt satisfy you coz his penis is TOO SMALL, and he cums to fast. And the orgasms were fake all these while. He might cry. Ignore it.

Give him a disgusted look as he sobs and say that you hate guys who cry over nothing. Say that Gary doesnt cry over nothing!

He stops crying and asks your sharply who Gary is. Say that Gary is someone who doesnt mind your leg hair, smoking, sexual fetishes, swearing, and everything else he minds.

9) Show him the nice love bite Gary gave you on your breast. (love bite courtesy of your fuck buddy or a good gal-friend.)

Say that you and Gary have broke off already and itz all his fault coz he took up too much of your time. If he doesnt storm off by now, proceed to cook him dinner.

10) Vegetarian-muslim dishes. Say that u suddenly became a muslim and vegetarian (come to think of it vegetarian is muslim). If he wants to be with you, he must convert too.

He might say "But surely Allah doesnt like you to fight cats/dogs/ostrishes/lamas?"

Say something irrelevant and blow it into a big quarrel and continue being irrelevant. Remember everyone cant stand irrelevant ppl.

Say something like "Allah loves cats/dogs/ostrishes/lamas. Allah loves all animals."

If he still stays coz he is polite, cook him everything that everyone hates.

Horrible veggies include:
-More peas
-A Lot of peas
-Anything soggy and overboiled with no spices or sauces.

He should really leave you by now. If he is not marilyn manson and is sincerely willing you accept you even if you changed to become this way, please marry the fella. He is rare