Sunday, June 8, 2003

Haiz.. Itz another totally envious day that the Ritz.

The bridegroom is a Hong konger, and he is filthy rich. In the wedding video, they drove ard in black limos into this humongous house which, persumably, belonged to the guy. And he looks like Xie xian, Nicholas tse's father.

Well the Xie xian part is not exactly a good thing.

And he was SO TOTALLY SWEET. In front of 600 guests, he went up the stage to say a song dedicated to the bride. A song that he claimed they both felt in love with when they watched a movie together. I thought it would be My Heart Will Go On but he wasn't that cheesy.

I was cutting my fish or something and I didnt even realise it was him singing till I lifted up my head. It was that nice; thought the music was from a CD!

Ahhhh I was very envious indeed. I looked at the pathetic fish I was cutting and wondered why the hell am I cutting a miserable fish instead of shagging Eddy. Oh shit, did I say shagging Eddy? dammit. I mean, marrying Eddy.

In fact I think the miserable fish I was cutting would rather I be *ahem* marrying Eddy too. Then his meat wouldn't be shattered into a million ugly pieces as the upset cutter vent her upset-ness by severing his body.

Speaking of banqueting, another guest asked me if I'm Malaysian today. What, I have a hibicus embossed on my forehead? I sincerely had enough of guests asking me whether I am from Malaysia or from China. Itz sickening.

Do I have these msgs written all over me?

Meague supposed to be spelt meagre. Sorry lar didnt see the mistake just now.

I'm sorry I had to use an act-glam photo for the example coz there are no more pics which are not shown in the blog already. Anyway, I have nothing against Malaysians (okie maybe a little against This Fashion's staff. Oops did I just expose that I shop there?) or China ppl (okie maybe a little angry with them for fucking donkeys thus causing SARS).

But I dun like being mistaken as them. It means I have absolutely no class at all. You may argue Michelle Yeow and Zhang Zi yi has class. I am talking about WAITRESSES here! Yikes! I am NOT a full time waitress! I am a student, studying in Singapore!

I have ambitions! I will not remain a waitress forever!

Speaking of ambitions.

When I was younger, everyone seems to like ask what I would like to be when I grow older.

I always answered that I wanted to be an Air stewardess.

I wonder if I had somehow put a silly curse on myself but repeatedly thinking of being an Air stewardess. Now, if I ever say my former ambition out, ppl will laugh their heads off. I'm too freaking short to even (I'm serious about this part) open the luggage compartment above your head without having the luggage fall on my head and killing me instantaneously.

I know it wouldn't kill me instantaneously since hand luggages can only be 7 kg max but i just felt like using the word instantaneously coz it sounds satisfyingly long.

Thats not the point. The point is that it is time, finally when I resigned to the fact that I wouldn't grow anymore, to change ambitions.

From now on I shall tell ppl that I want to become a teacher.

I like the "wow, what a morally upright job!" look on my relatives' faces when I say that.

But I know better. U see, there are many many perks to being a teacher.

This is my plan. Firstly, I will let my students get amazingly great results within a short period of time. This will be made possible as I will always "accidentally" leave the exam questions on my desk after I leave the classroom. This is a remarkably good plan. The first time, no one will suspect I did it delibrately. So they would all happily do the exam with prepared answers. I will pretend to fall asleep during invigilations so that they can copy as well.

Second time, they might suspect why I am so careless. Some nerd might think of complaining to the principal coz he feels that only he, the truely smart and great, should be doing so well instead of all his stupid classmates.

He is half right. His classmates are stupid, thats true. But too bad, I AM the truely smart and great, not him.

The nerd will decide he can't complain coz ALL HIS CLASSMATES WILL BE SUSPENDED FOR CHEATING. He thus has to let the matter go, unless he wants all his classmates to hate him for life. The cycle goes on.

I will have an affair will the principal too. Guy or gal doesn't matter, I am bi, remember?

Being the wondrous teacher I am, I will get transferred to a good school to teach.

Using the same methods, I will soon be HOD.

After which I will actually become the PRINCIPAL of an elite school, perferably ACJC.

Aha! This is where it can all fall into place. Besides ALREADY having a good salary, I will accept millions a year for just bribes. My house at district 10 will be full of free fountains. The gym's equipment? You know who bought it for me. What do you mean by itz for the school's use? Theres too much equipment there, take a bit home will die ah?

Filthy Rich Father: "Miss Cheng, my son would really like to get into your college. In fact, for the past 3 generations my family has been in the big AC family. My son will have to continue this very good trend."

Me: "Ahhh... But his L1R5 is 39."

FRF: "Minus higher chinese and Golf (CCA), his L1R5 is actually 35."

Me: "Huh but it says here that his Higher Chinese failed."

FRF: "Oh I know someone in MOE." *winks* "He actually got distinction, if u get what I mean." *double wink* "The cambridge side can't be helped. Ppl in UK are too busy setting up anti-xiaxue blogs and reading The Order Of the Phoenix to change results for me. I told them I would pay them $50,000 but somehow they hung the phone saying 'I dun give no shit about rupiah! Its a sodding minute amount of money!'" *looks pained*

Me: "Actually you really sound Indonesian leh."

FRF: "Huh really meh? No lar ppl in UK are too bo liao. They like to assume things. Like the fact that everyone in the right frame of mind would know that swimming was invented in the 15th century. DID YOU KNOW THAT SWIMMING WAS INVENTED THEN? COZ I DIDN'T!"

Me; "Huh you very irrelevant leh. Lets get back to the *ahem* donations."


Me: "Okie okie! So u giving me anything or not."

FRF: "Eh, Miss Cheng, I think the field needs a new lawn mower. I shall give you one. In fact, I shall include a few cranes (the white birds, u cok, not the tall machines) and a nice slave of mine to cut grass for you."

Okie why the picture, you ask. Coz today while I was going to work I saw this fellow mowing the field near the MRT station. The white spots are really cranes, escaped from Jurong Bird Park. I was just wondering why the *toot!* did the cranes all surround the lawnmower. It even looks as if the guy is feeding them. So I took a picture coz it looks so cute. And the person in the lawnmower, despite the distance, looks very happy to me. Ain't it great to be cutting grass in the hot sun and surrounded by cranes? Just tot I would share it with you guys

Me: "My place needs a lawn mower too. And my carpet grass refuses to grow unless it drinks Champagne. Speaking of which, Moet and Chandon is my fav bathtub fill too. I no longer bath in HL milk. Just love the bubbly feeling on my skin."

FRF: "Ah, didn't you know that I actually owned Moet and Chandon, my dear Miss Cheng!"

Me: *Of coz I know, you cok* "Oh really, Mr Moet?!! Oh yeah I didnt even notice the surname similarity!! Maybe you could give a lifetime supply to the school!"

FRF: "Not enough. Please accept my donation of 5 grand pianos, all designed by Marc Jacob himself, and 3 olympic sized swimming pools filled with Moet and Chandon every single day till my son graduates from ACJC."

Me: *ahem*

FRF: "I will introduce my younger brother to you too, Miss Cheng. He loves petite ladies."

Me, shouting to son, who is golfing at the other end of my office: "Welcome to ACJC, Joshua!"


Ah well it is pretty obvious that the above will not happen. But being a teacher has other goods as well.

It is an honourable enough job to let me run for presidency in future. I mean, presidents are always in these occupations. Doctors, teachers, priests etc. It will be weird if an accountant became the president right? Then who does the accounts? If it is an advertiser who ran for presidency? Then who does his advertisements? If an insurance agent becomes president, will u get totally freaked out?

Anyway I wanna be president coz it is zuo bo except sign here and there and go to this occasion as guest of honour, show face at functions etc. I will even get to plant trees, so fun! I decided I dun mind staying in the Istana too. Wait. Did Ong teng cheong die at home?

Someone told me it doesn't happen this way in Singapore. Not any Tom, Harry, or bushy dick can run for presidency unlike in America.

In that case it is an honourable enough job to let me run for president's wife. The president's wife can't possibly be a marketer or something right? I dun mind being the president's wife too coz at least I will get my photo on every school's walls. I will traumatize everyone with a portrait that looks like this:

It will serve to:

1) Freak the balls outta everyone when seen at night, thus effectively making Singaporeans braver ppl in future.
2) Make everyone more horny thus effectively increasing the birth rate of Singaporeans.
3) Inject a bit of humour into dry Singapore.

If I rule Singapore, you will be very happy and entertained citizens. Grouchy ppl who dun understand my jokes can jolly well migrate.

My signboards will be like:

"AYE TO JURONG. Take note that I might be a lying signboard. Well, dun blame us signboards. You shld jolly well know your directions by now. If u are a tourist, have u checked whether u got SARS or HERPES before coming here? Anyway this AYE leads to Ang Mo Kio."

At construction areas: "Rome wasn't build in one day. In fact, it has been centuries since and we still dun think it is built. So dun complain about us upgrading for your own bloody use in future. We are not sorry for the inconvenience caused. In fact, we feel happy watching u get pissed reading this signboard."

At Reserviors: "Fish all you want. Just kindly eat up the fish you caught. Did we forget to mention that guys like to ejaculate into the waters after they make out with their gfs beside the reserviors?"

At random areas along orchard road there will be stickers on the ground. "Jump repeatedly at this area and you will be transported to Heeren/Taka/Wisma in a jiffy. May sound ridiculous but try it!"

Singaporeans are all accustomed to my tricks everywhere so they wun jump like jumping beans in the middle of orchard. Have great fun watching a Japanese tourist jump, and another Japanese tourist taking photos.