Tuesday, June 3, 2003

Its officially over between Bernard and I coz it seems like he still likes his ex, among other reasons as too why he suddenly decides he doesnt like me.

Itz good oso, I can imagine how it would be like if I married an Ah beng.

Lets assume that he inherits the coffeeshop and continues selling Char siew noodles. Lets assume I seduced a famous scientist to tell the world that Char siew noodles help increase sperm count so the business is doing very well.

Lets assume that I continue to lead a credit-card-ad-gal life although I do not have a credit-card-guy husband.

Josh is our son (I plan to call my son Josh coz it sounds cute. Josh may be the most common name in future coz everybody seems to think all Joshes are cute. A few years back I thought of calling my son Prestige coz I wanted to lead a credit-card-gal life remember? And I want my son's name to sound as prestigious as his mum is. That was until someone reminded me that Prestige was the name for the Mercs cab.) who is 8 years old.

A typical scenerio.

Josh: "Mommy just now daddy ask me go buy cigarettes for him."

Me, on phone: "Ah den? Go buy lar. No money to buy meh?" *takes out a hundred dollar bill to give him and shoo him away*

Josh: "I go liao but the mama shop auntie scold me say I so young learn to smoke. And she say that the minimum age for buying cigarettes is now offically 48. I am 40 years from buying cigarettes."

Me, still on phone: "Oh become 48 liao meh 2 yrs ago was just 45. So terrible ah the government. Ok boy go ask Fatimah to buy it. Dun disturb mommy!"

Josh: "Ma u say hire illegal underaged maids cheaper mah, remember? Fatimah is only 2 yrs older than me leh."

Me, still on phone: "Hiyah ask Daddy stop bullying u and ask him go buy himself lar."

Josh: "He say his mistress working at the Pawnshop beside the mama shop is angry with him for hugging you in front of her so he cannot show face in front of her."

Me, still on phone: "Hiyoh new mistress from Pawnshop no wonder my Lazare diamonds keep disappearing! Stop talking to mommy liao, mommy on phone!"

Eddy, on the other line, growls after the long wait.

I am having an affair with Eddy whose interest in me suddenly increased after my boob, nose, liposuction and fake eyelashes job.

Me, to Eddy: "Sorry darling silly Joshie kept talking. I meet u later on my pink yacht? Not the lilac one ah."

Josh nudges me again.

Josh: "Mum, how to do this long division? Tml got class test on it, mummy."

Me, with Eddy grumbling in the background about wasting his previous engineer time: "Tell your teacher that the invention of pockets calculators have rendered long divisions useless."

Josh: *Brawls*

Me: "Dydy darling I call u later."

Eddy: *grumbles*

Me, to crying Josh: "Whats the matter, Joshie darling!"

Josh: "You and daddy are so horrible!" He proceeds to the living room to watch Pokemon Evolution version 4056.1, which thankfully just started to curb his crying. Bernard is in the living room too.

Bernard, drinking Guinness stout: "Ah boy, come see Daddy blow smoke rings. Hey oh yeah fuck no more cigarettes. Nabeh. Kosh ask you go and buy liao right? Bu ting hua one leh!"

Josh: "Mai ka jiao wa ai see pokemon." (he speaks in Hokkien to his father.)

Me: "Joshie baby later got violin lesson ah remember."

Bernard: "Si mi si violan lessan? Everytime only know how to waste my money one leh you. Got so much money send Kosh go take bike license lar! Violan no use one lar. Wait he become Guai Lan, not Violan sia!" *chuckles at his own joke, which no one finds funny*

Me: "1stly, our son's name is Josh, not Kosh. You could have tried to remember after 8 yrs! 2ndly, it is vioLIN, not LAN. 3rdly, Joshie is only 8, you want him take what bike license!"

Bernard: "Better than Kosh take Violan lesson! Waste lim pei money! U think sell Char siew very easy ah?! Ni na bei very hot one leh muz paint the Char Siew red colour. Balls overheated everyday, u think why sperm come out green colour. Stupid saboh dunno why I marry you."

*he proceeds to throw the empty Guinness can at my forehead and it hits the said area with a dull "bonk"*

Me: *blinks with the shock of a sudden object landing on my forehead*

Bernard: "Nothing to do go clean up the Louhan's fish tank lar, stand there like a piece of Char siew lidat!"

Me: "I want a divorce! Our marriage life is full of sex and violence!" *stops to comtemplate whether "full of sex" is a good thing, and decides it is not coz of the green sperms*

Josh: "Mommy what is green sperm, sex, and violence?"

Me: *points at Bernard*

Bernard, simultaneous with my pointing: *Throws another Guinness can at Josh's forehead.* "Kosh dun talk cok."

Josh: *breaks down the sight of his dyfunctional family*

Me: *breaksdown at the sight of my dyfunctional family, breaking my fake nose in the process*

Bernard: "Ni na bei no more cigarette, now no more Guinness." He fingers his thick gold chain as he pauses for a moment. "I go pawnshop for a while."

Bad indeed.