Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Today before I went to Malaysia, I opened an email Eddy sent me.

It consists of the rules that ladies shld adhere to please men. The author seems pissed that men are always doing the listening.

Of course, I know that whatever he wrote does not represent what all men think. So, whatever I say is only targeted at him, and not men in general.

Its an interesting email, and I shall kpo and give my views about it.

Here it is:

Read and learn!!

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

Print this out and pass to your partner for a greater understanding:

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
[beep][beep][beep][beep][beep]ing about you leaving it down.

To him I say:
Ah... You got us girls wrong. We dun mind it if u leave it up after you use it. We just dun like you to forget to lift it, and spray yellow urine all over the thing. We have to put our butts on it. You wun like it when we have big pimples on our butts due to the bacteria contained in your urine. It wouldn't look good with that sexy thong you like, no?

If your gf demands that the toilet seat is down all the time after you use it, she is rather demanding. Perhaps you wud like to take a hammer, crash the whole bloody seat, and refuse to admit that it was you cracked it. No seats, no trouble.

In any case, men shld shut up coz it is their own fault for having to stand up to urine. Why not sit down instead? This way you dun have to lift the seat up.

You wun want us to try standing up to urine, or would you?

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!

To him I say:
Eh, whoever said it was a quest? Itz a mission. Fail it, and die. Can't take the challenge? Go be with a submissive donkey who doesn't mind having a special kinda grass to eat as its birthday present.

Anyway dun you men want to make us happy? When you make an effort to take note of what we like and get it for us, it only serves to make us love you more.

What was that certain model of Nike shoes that you loved so much? Light blue, boing boing series size 9? If only the shoe laces were black instead of white? Got news that only JB is selling it coz it is sold out in Singapore?

We can make an effort to remember stuff like this, and purchase it for you just to see that smile on your face, why can't you make an effort to do the same? Surely you are not saying we are not worth your time and effort?

If we have already said we dislike bright green stuff and u still bought us an alligator stuff toy, shld we not be disappointed? Shld we pretend we love the obviously effortless gift you gave? Please take note that the stuff toy is not a bad gift just coz of the bright green. It is appalling coz stuff toys are so apparently saying "I refuse to make an effort to choose anything else, which in any case would be something better". Stuff toys are for 13 yr old giggly girls. I would prefer a dildo. Not bright green please.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

To him I say:
Oh cmon. We know. In your mind, theres you wanting to play football, your friends, your beer, your (wanted or gotten) machines (be it cars, bikes, computers or gym equipment), other women fucking you, porn and you, you, you, you and you.

Wonderful. Keep in mind the woman's mind contains stuff other than you too. We remember birthdays, we miss our friends, we fantasize a little about you best friends, we fantasize about the cute lecturers, we wonder if our hair is getting outta shape, our hips are getting bigger, whether the little kids in Africa are still hungry, shld we buy that dress etc etc etc. The list goes on.

My point is that there's plenty more on the female's mind that the male's. Thus, dun worry about us getting angry you dun think of us. You shld start worrying whether we can squeeze any time at all for you.

1. Don't cut your hair, Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

To him I say:
Go buy urself a Shih Tzu, grow its hair very long and you can fuck it and stroke its long hair at the same time. Hopefully the hair stroking gives you a lot of pleasure. The dog is all urs, you can choose whatever u want to do with her hair. We are not your dogs. We can do whatever we want with our hair. I repeat, OUR hair.

Not all women look nicer with long hair. You are just warped.

U witnessed the popularity of F4. You saw their hair. It is rather obvious that alot of women think long hair for men is cool too. We love it. Can we force you to keep it long?

I hear u starting to defend urself. Hot in Singapore, u say. Hot for us too. Look like sissy, you say. We say long hair=more money spend on Shampoos, dyes, styling etc. Not good. And we take longer to style it, and u blame us for being late again. Great.

Theres nothing u can about the hair thing. Some gals just dun like it long. They feel MISERABLE when they see themselves having long hair. If u love ur gf you shldn't, because of your silly fetish, make her feel miserable.

We are afraid to get married coz married men always starting balding and by then we are stuck with him. You dun see us complaining. We accept you men the way you are.

1. Crying is blackmail.

Can't help it when we want to cry, can we? You guys shldn't bully us at all. In any case unless u have an actress gf, when we cry, we are not trying to threaten you. We are really upset.

Thinking we are trying to blackmail you is just convincing yourself that it is not ur fault actually, so that you would feel better. Please understand that for women, we are just more prone to crying, like you all are to impotency. It can't be helped.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

To him I say:
You know what is paiseh or not?

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

To him I say:
Fuck off lar, dun remember dates. When is the next Manchester against Liverpool match? What was the date again of the first screening of Star Wars, which is coming soon? Whats the date of the Jay Chou concert which u so badly wanted to go to?

What makes u think women can just remember dates offhand this way? We are just human beings as well. The keyword here is EFFORT. We make the effort to remember, you shld too.

Bloody write it in ur hp to remind u if u really think it might slip ur mind.

So one day before our bdae, we are supposed to tell you, "Hey you know, tml is my birthday?" while u give that horrified gasp?

We will end up getting an alligator stuff toy tml.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

To him I say:
Just ask your opinion only will die ah? How the *toot!* we can give opinion on which luo han you shld buy when we dun give a fish about fish? Just look and tell us whatever you think is matching lar!

You only own ONE car, but if I gave you 30 cars to choose which is the nicest, I'm sure you can do it. Why not for shoes?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

To him I say:

Think this scenerio:
You: "Which tie goes with this suit?"

Me: "Yes."

You: "What you mean by yes? This one issit."

Me: "No."

You: "I think it is quite nice what, why no?"

Me: "No."

You: "Huh why lar! Coz it is too square issit?"

Me: "No."

You: "Then why?"

Me: "Yes."

You would like that done to you? In this case u can choose to just answer Yes or No. Not allowed to say why ok. Coz only necessary to say Yes or No.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

To him I say:
What if our gfs are not free during our worst times? Do we sob in self solace? It is wrong to ask you to just lend a listening ear, and empathise a little since you claimed you love us?

Please take note of a thing. In any case before u start to help solving problems, do you not have to understand the situation and relate to it first before giving advice?

We are just requesting for you to skip that last step. And itz only when our gfs are just not appropriate listening partners or are not free.
Is it too much to ask for?

1. Check your oil! Please.

To him I say:
You check your oil. We have little cute blue facial blotters and our Chanel powders to aid us in oil combat. What do you have?

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

To him I say:
There is no such thing. Too bad that its against logic to just forget information. In the first place just shut up about stuff u think will eventually become invalid and will be used against you. That will teach you to think b4 u speak. In this case you might choose to just say YES or NO to every question we ask. It is safer.

6 months ago if we promised not to be late ANYMORE and 6 months later we are late again, do not blame us coz whatever was said 6 months ago cannot be used in an argument.

If you think a comment might become null and void in 7 days, please dun say it. Else, learn to protect yourself by putting a disclaimer everywhere.

Gal: "Do you think this dress looks good on me?"

You: "Yes, but it might not be nice anymore if say you cut your bloody long hair,or - " *pause to roll eyes for effect* "become fatter."

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

To him I say:
Ok thanks for this. We know we are fat. When we ask whether we are fat, theres two reasons.

1) We just hope that we are warped to think so and have someone confirming with us that we are not, and the weighing machine just broke down. And that dress? It shrunk in the wash.

2) We hope to hear that although we know we are fatter, you dun really mind it coz you insist anyway that we are not. Which means you dun mind it, or didn't notice it.

In these cases if we do not ask, and if it is the 1st reason that we wanted to ask in the first place, please allow us to breakdown and cry whenever we feel we are fat, which could be in the middle of dinner at some classy restaurant. After which you would naturally ask what is wrong and we would say "Nothing!" coz you forced us not to ask u whether u think we are fat.

After which we would feel very miserable indeed to have a bf so unconcerned coz although we cried, the guy counterpart really took it as nothing was wrong.

We would seek solace in other men who would kindly tell us that we are not fat. I'm sure their nice board shoulders would fit our fat faces perfectly fine.

No all girls give a shit whether they are fat though. Coz I dunch. And if I ask whether I am fat, it is just for the 2nd reason. Since I dun ask and you dun comment, I would just assume that you dun mind if I am fat.

Allow me my 6th chocolate creme brulee then. DUN STOP ME. I didn't ask you if I am too fat for my own good. And you refused to comment, so shut ur gap forever.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

To him I say:
When we say we are in love with another man, we meant: "You are too good for me. I suck. Thus, I shall give the job of taking care of a hideous, fat creature like me to another person. It doesn't mean I dun love you. It just means I discovered I love him more".

We certainly do not mean "You are freaking fucked up. Your penis is too small, you dun have nice hip bones, you are BLOODY SELF CENTRED, and he is so much more concerned, caring and understanding than you are. I'm leaving u. Good riddence."

No, no, we dun mean the second one of coz.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

To him I say:
I want you to make love to me.
I want you to put whipped cream all over me, and lick it all up. I want you to go in slow. I want you to let me tie u up and do a lap dance for you...

Oh wait, stop right here coz I can't tell you how I want it done? Ok do it your way, missionary style. Dun blame me if I fall asleep halfway, selfish pig.

Oh I certainly know best how to do it myself, of course. Allow me to spray whipped cream over my green dildo and lick it all up. I will do a lap dance for the blow-up doll. You watch in agony.

Now fuck off.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

To him I say:
So we are just there to entertain you whenever theres nothing interesting going on on TV?

Gal: "Darling I feel horrible. I wanna just end my life. TV is more impt to u than I am! I can't even compare to a bloody TV! I am pretty much useless!"

Guy: "Oh, sod off~! I am trying to concentrate on this baboon make love to another baboon here!"

Gal: *Jumps off building*

May be a little exaggerated but my point is, like OUR hair, itz OUR mouths.

We try to not interrupt your fav soccer game (which obviously what the commentator says you can already predict) as it is rude. But please dun demand. Sometimes we just need to ask you what you want to be cooked for dinner. So we are supposed to wait 15 mins doing nothing to wait for your answer?

We end up only cooking food we like, and you blame us for being selfish again.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

To him I say:
Christopher did not need directions coz no one asked him to actually FIND America. He accidentally chanced upon it. Place him in Europe and ask him to walk to America and see if he can find it.

Everybody needs directions. Even the occasional eagle with the bird's eye view needs to ask the seagull where to find that bloody rattlesnake who ate her eggs up.

You dun need directions? Ok. We take away your road guide. We remove ALL signboards telling you where to turn and what road this leads to. We place you in a car. We ask you to go to a place you have never been to by urself. Can you do it?

Of course, the smart you argues that signboards are not directions. Please take note I am rolling my eyes now. You just dun need directions from females right? Coz we are lowly creatures not capable of navigating ourselves around, unlike men, who are born with that instinct.

Face it dude. Sometimes YOU get lost when you are going to our houses. WE know the roads. YOU dunch. So we are supposed to go ard in circles happily filing our nails while you spin about? Dun waste our time.

But then again when you ask us which road to take after 2 hours, we will say "Yes/No." Thats a perfectly fine answer to every question.

1. All men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

To him I say:
Someone told me that men (which is a general term for all humans) can see 170,000,000 (number I churned out myself) colours. If u can only see 16, you are semi blind. Orange is a fruit too, not a colour. Whats that colour on the logo of M1? Dunno. The same colour as the skin of an orange.

Whats your skin colour? Not peach of coz, its a fruit. Beige? Whats that? Guess you would have to settle for yellow. Yucks.

This is yellow skin.

(i have nothing against Andy Lau, just sway sway chose him.)

Mauve is a shade of purple. So are violet, lavender, indigo, light purple, baby purple, dark purple etc. Now you know what mauve is. You arguing that it is all useless information?

Not really. When your car sprayer guy calls to say they ran out of the Ferarri red paint that you want and all that is left is the mauve paint, you dun wan to ask them to go ahead.

Bill Gates improved himself to be able to see 256 colours. Samsung's manufacturer, which no doubt is a man of coz *rolls eyes*, made its phones have 65,000 bits for colours. An artist can tell you burnt sierra is reddish-brown.

Its time you start improving urself.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

To him I say:
Nobody expects you to be a mind reader. We just want you to use some brain cells on us sometimes, not just on who to bet on for soccer. If you listen a little more carefully you would realise you can know much more stuff about us.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

To him I say:
If you EVER say this to a woman, its a break-up immediately. Not worth the hassle to find out what is making us all upset literally means you dun give a shit about us. There are other men, women and even animals who can give us the TLC we need. Its 'bye!' to u.

If we wear a mourning suit to meet you and we start crying, it means that someone has died. If we say nothing is wrong, we just expected you to be smarter than to ask, and painfully put the reminder into words.

If you did something totally insensitive the "nothing" situation might happen too. You might not know what upset us, but to us, its so obviously insensitive that if you did not know why we got upset, we should be doubly angry.

When we say "nothing" is wrong, just take it as we meant "Can you recall which was the precise moment I got angry and think abt what you did/said exactly before it happened?" Then you query about whether it was the comment you made about you actually wanting to shag our best friends that made us angry.

If it is what made us angry, we will give a little nod. Just apologize if you think it is ur fault, give reasons to defend urself it is not and we misunderstood you.

Actually I'm crapping about all these coz I have no idea whats going on in the female mind when they say "nothing" is wrong. I'm not that kinda girl. I just blow my top and smack the guy on the head with whatever object I have in my hand. If I am painting my nails, it will be nail polish on your hair. So speak carefully.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Fine. Dun ask us if we got an orgasm this time. Most likely, it is a NO. Which, btw, no and yes are perfectly fine answers to each question. Dun ask us how we want you to do it to give us pleasure. You urself said we shouldn't do that.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

To him I say:
Green polka dot dress with red shoes when we got to meet up with ur friends then. Not forgetting the bright big yellow hat with nice feathers.

1. You have enough clothes.

To him I say:
Go find urself a donkey as a gf. Our clothes are none of your business. If you dun want to buy clothes for us, just say so. We will buy it ourselves. Afterall dolling up is to make u feel proud to be with us, so appreciate the efforts and shut up.

Else, we can wear our nice new clothes when we are out with other men who will appreciate some novelty done. We will keep wearing the same green polka dot dress when we are out with you.

hmmm enough clothes? Guess I would have to give my little black g string with the sexy diamond on it to the salvation army. Thats not forgetting the innocent white dress which I wore that day when all ur friends said your gf looks like an angel. Forget it. Give all away since I have enough clothes and when I go out with you, everything I wear is fine.

1. You have too many shoes.

To him I say:
Not really. Only got 10. And my shoes are none of your business absolutely. Nobody is asking u to clean them up for me.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

To him I say:
Whoever said it isn't? Anyway handbags are not exciting. LV handbags are.

Aha! You didn't deny that soccer is boring.