The day before, I was busy being upset with XF being VIP server instead of me. Yesterday, I was upset because PY told me that XF confided in her that she felt, although I am a good friend of hers, I never seem to be able to feel happy for anything good that happens to her.

Thats not true. I felt sincerely glad for her when she got into the Uni course she wants. Its just that.. never mind already. I wonder how we are supposed to feel glad for others when we ourselves are down?

If u failed ur O levels, would u feel happy for a friend who got 9 A1s? Some people can sincerely do that. Perhaps their heart is split into two parts and while one part is bleeding with the own failure, the other part is feeling sincerely happy. So does the face register a frown or a smile? It is impossible for the two to go together.

Perhaps my heart is one whole big lump then. When I fail and someone I cared about succeeds with the exact same results i would like to get in the same test, I would be too busy brooding over my own failure and can't bring myself to rejoice even about scientists inventing a medicine which can eliminate pimples from the face of this earth.

I wonder what to say to XF. Congratulations for being promoted? Ah well, I can be polite all I want, but it is hypocritical. I tried, I really did. The excitement I put on when I told her rang phoney in my ears.

I have worked for a much longer time. I have much more experience. I AM THE ONE WHO ANNOUNCED BEFORE THAT I WANTED TO BE THE VIP SERVER while XF and PY commented that it is no big deal being it and they can't be bothered with such minor issues. It is thoroughly embarrassing to me. Utterly humiliating.

I know XF would give up the position to me to make me feel happier. Yet, I can't seem to even bother to hide feeling upset to let her feel glad about something which I shld be proud of her about. I am the world's suckiest friend ever.

I didn't hide my feelings, coz I thought if I had to hide my feelings to even my best friend, who else can I speak the truth to?

4 out of the 8 paragraphs I wrote starts with "I". Thats right, I'm a self-centred bitch.

Of course, I shldn't speak my true feelings to XF coz it will make her feel upset. I am just too DARN selfish to realise that.

My conscience is shouting to me: "What do u expect XF to do about this, huh? It is not her fault that she got promoted! It is ur own fault for slacking at work. So u want Ritz Carlton to promote u and watch u steal food from the bridal table? U want XF to get all upset and maybe even guilty for causing ur unreasonable anger when she shld rightfully be glad of her accomplishments because she totally deserved it?"

I whimpered painfully at the thoughts. I am being pulled both ways. This sucks. No one shld be the VIP server so no friendship gets hurt over such trivial stuff.

No, thats not what it shld be. I would rather the VIP server be XF than some other lousy waitress. And it is my own problem that I got upset. No one else would be. PY isn't upset. Cloudy ain't upset. The world is still spinning and I can jolly well accept the fact and stop making XF feel so dilemmic, if there is such a word.

So, thats it XF. I got over it already. U are better at some, I am better at some. It is just that it happened that I thought I was better at banqueting than u, and I am wrong. Well, sod it. Who cares about banqueting. I rule at blog writing, but thats the only thing I feel I am good at nowadays.

My self-confidence is at an ALL TIME LOW. I hope u stupid bastards who insensitively keep praising June and XF and insulting me can stop it coz I am close to tears already. I am not threatening. This is the truth.

Perhaps what I am feeling is just so trivial. My maid pulled me close just now, and confided to me that the man she loves back in Indonesia has married another woman, and the woman is pregnant. She non-chalently continued to cut up the carrot to cook for my dinner while I remained silent and siad nothing for a long while.

My troubles are so small compared to hers. I can work harder at Ritz and be promoted in a jiffy and stop being so sullen and sour. Self confidence can be regained about looks, if I just go to some club and sit around. Guys would come and tell me I am beautiful. I might have to choose to neglect the fact that they only want to get into my pants of course.

But my maid? She can't even go back to Indonesia to wallop the shit outta that guy if she wants to. She can't even call to tell him she had loved him coz calling is expensive.

And she has to see him with her everyday coz he is her neighbour. I wonder how it feels like to be this helpless. I think go crazy.

Feel much better after blogging this out. Perhaps u guys would like to know that blogging is my only form of self-confidence nowadays.

-My banqueting skills suck.
-My PR skills suck coz my classmates dun like me.
-More and more people tell me I am ugly and fat.

I am only good at blogging. I am gonna become a loner soon. Or perhaps this wave of melancholy will be gone after a few hours as I think I am having my PMS now.

-I suck big time-

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