Wednesday, October 8, 2003

I have just decided to blog again, because I realised that my group members did not disseminate much work for me. Tml. Tml I promise to contribute more to the project.

Anyway, today's topic is:

How to Look Like a Cute Jap Porn Star Without Plastic Surgery

What kinda girls do Singaporean guys like in bed?

We have some choices here.

1) Annabelle chong. Screaming her head off in a fake orgasm while hiding a yawn and drowning in sperm is no mean feat. We salute Annabelle Chong. The dirtier, the better.

2) Mo Jing Jing/ S.H.E. The more innocent, the more enticing. She screams and tears while guys tear off her pre-puberscent (spelling error here i think) half bra. Never mind the fact that she has never shaved her armpit hair or that her boobs are puny. Its ok. As long as she is a virgin, baby.

3) Pamela Anderson. The typical angmoh saboh with huge boobs and big hair. She screams the wrong name constantly and is too stupid to know that multiples are different from factors, but its ok; she is good in sex. Unfortunately most of these girls say they came at least 6 times. Thats a bit too much of a lie. What does she take the guy for, a showerhead?

4) Shimada Mamika. Who the hell is she, you ask. There. The typical jap cutie. Jap porn (not that I watched alot of them) usually has the girl tightly bound and being raped by a hairy old man with beer bellies. I believe that the screaming and look of terror is not faked. We wonder why male jap porn stars never look like Nakata or Aniki Jin (what about females watching the porn?!). The truth is out though. That hairy pot-bellied old man is the director. The female counterpart screams "E-yeah" (which i spelt wrong) which means "no", but she slowly starts to enjoy it (we see from the open mouth and closed eyes) but still screams 'no' anyway, just because.

Alright. The answer is out. Like James, most guys' fantasies revolve around the silly jap girls. We ladies detest their taste for such low class beings. Why don't men fantasize about shagging highly intelligent or successful (not as a model or something like that that doesn't require brains) girls? Because they want to feel SUPERIOR. They want to be the DOMINATOR, not the one succumbing. No. Thats why men like weak jap girls, perferably in rape.

Coming in second would be the shu nu type. Same as jap girls, except not so cute, but innocent all the same. Taiwan's Vivian Hsu would be a nice one.

So what do normal girls like us do? We fake. What you guys want, we can do it.

Now acting cute is disgusting. We girls hate girls who act cute. But men like it. Thats why they like Michelle Saram while we all hate her. (Come thurs, I would do a feature on her, and how to bowl guys over by acting shamelessly like Miss Saram.) So, the first step to take would be to curb the disgust. Remember, it is for the man you like. Also remember not to do this in front of a guy that you know well already. He would realise you are being phoney, but he would still shag you anyway, if thats ur motive.

2) Make up: Open your eyes BIG. Open it the biggest you can. Now, draw some eyeliner on it, and then curl your eyelashes. Hold the eyelasher curler there for 5 hours. Apply 1 full bottle of mascara on EACH EYE. Make sure that everybody thinks that you have the thickest and fullest eyelashes in the whole. Now curl the eyelashes for another 10 hours. Apply blusher and pink lip gloss. Yes, alot of preparation needs to be done.

3) Facial expression. This is easier. Raise your eyebrows high up. Force eyebags to come up below each eye so that you have that doe-eyed look that Michelle Saram gave to Zoe Tay when Zoe Tay slapped her yesterday. Tilt head downwards so that eyes appear bigger, and look submissive. Keep mouth downturned, and pout lower lip a little. You may smile, but do so weakly. Remember, you are a demure damsel in distress. You need PROTECTION from a REAL MAN. Be unhappy till you find him.

4) Clothes. Nothing revealing, nothing too vibrant. Just stick to whites and pastels. With Hello kitties somewhere.

5) Speech. Speak in a cute little voice with injections of "kawaii ne!" with every 3 sentences. Try to say the "e-yeah" word as well, because this would remind the guy of jap porn stars and he would be so allured. Also buy little jap thingys like Hello Kitty sweets or stuff like that.

6) Undergarments should be polka dots or little flowers, or even better, with prints of Hamtaro or Moshi Maro. I personally prefer MOJOJOJO! but it seems a little.. wrong.

Thats it.

I did a sample for you guys. Now girls, this is just A SAMPLE. Do not send emails to me saying how disgusting it is, coz believe me, I KNOW.

Here is the original jap look.

Here is the faked one, with photoediting done.

It is very difficult to achieve the look. June and Clara took around 7 or 8 pictures, and only 1 turned out with that "look". Tough.

Anyway, today I saw something in SP's Foodcourt 6 which made me lose all my appetite, so I thought I would make you guys suffer as well.

Yikes. Doesnt she feel cold around the crack? Gosh, she think what, show cleavage ah. Or-bi-good kanna take picture and shown to the world.

Ok nuff said tonight. Got work to do.

Nights everyone! =)