Thursday, October 23, 2003

My parents are getting a divorce.

Since like 7 years ago, daddy has got this woman outside. When my mum found out, things got pretty serious. Mum threatened divorce. I was then 12 years old, and to a primary six kid, such a thing happening to my family was unthinkable.

In fact, the only nightmare I deeply remember having, was one I had when I was around p3 or p4. It involved my parents getting divorced, and I got so traumatized, that I woke up and cried and cried. My mommy then reassured me that such a thing would not happen, she and daddy are still loving as before.

And then it happened in Pri 6. By then, I had my brother with me, so at least there was someone to go through the ordeal with me. Also, I was old enough to think that it is quite imposssible that both my parents don't want me and would dump me at an orphanage.

In the end, my parents patched things up. They got more loving than before, and it is pretty obvious that dad did made the effort to make up for his mistake.

Things went well for perhaps around 4 years or so, and then occasionally I would hear my mum saying how she cannot tolerate my dad's bo chup behaviour. It is true.

When I was a kid, he used to bring me and my mum out very often. We would go to parks, beaches, and stuff like that. When I grew older and my interests transformed from sandcastles to heels, he does not have anything to do with the family at all. Mind you, I still have a younger brother who is 10 currently, so he could still bring him out if he felt I am not longer interested in the activities he is interested in (such as cycling). But no... He doesn't..

He's still not a bad father. He is civil and sweet to us at most times, although sometimes when he is in a foul mood he blows his top and at worst, even slammed objects. But he does come home early almost everyday. It is just that now, he makes superficial conversations with me and my brother, and does not care about us anymore.

My mum's recently found anger was due to the ONE silly statement my dad made.

You see, my mum had this friend of hers. Auntie Jenny. Auntie Jenny's husband is called Vincent. Now Vincent is rich, and a bloody flirt. He has a rendevous with this KTV girl, and the KTV girl somehow decided that Auntie Jenny should know about Uncle Vincent's affair. One fine day, when Uncle Vincent met her at Pan Pacific Hotel for sex, Auntie Jenny caught him on the spot.

The silly man tried to deny it by saying he is just meeting a friend. Afterall, he had his clothes on! What BULLSHIT. He should be hung.

Auntie Jenny forgave him anyway, and is still with him currently.

Now my dad, thinking that Uncle Vincent possibly has the same views about extra-marital affairs as he does, went to tell Uncle Vincent that my mum is silly to think that all this years it has been just one Miss Tan (the fucking mistress' name). He laughed heartily and said that there is more than one.

Uncle Vincent told Auntie Jenny who told my mum.

My mum packed her things and left the house. She did not tell what Auntie Jenny told her to my dad. She said she had enough of my father's attitude, and she felt that she doesnt love him anymore (vice versa too), and that it has been her all along taking care of the family (yes, even financially), and my dad doesnt even give a flying fuck, so why should she let him stay here with us? She wanted to leave so as to teach my dad a lesson on how difficult it is to actually take care of the family. Either he leaves, or she leaves.

Now, it is not uncommon that my mum does this kinda thing. I thought at first, bitterly: "Why must she involve us in their stupid adult games? Why can't they settle it maturely like adults, and not threaten this and that?" I had lots of projects on, and I really do not have the strength and time for things like this.

I thought my dad would persuade her to come back, and nothing would happen. Afterall, whats this? More than 20 years of marriage!

But my dad did nothing of that sort. Instead, he moped around at house, looking thoroughly glum and not mentioning anything to my bro and I at all. He is not the sort who talks.

Meanwhile, I tried to avoid thinking about all these at all and remained cheerful (I can actually force myself to think nothing is happening). I am angry and disgusted with my dad, however. I am pretty sure he does have another fucking woman outside, coz a month ago, he asked me how to delete numbers away from the call list. He made an excuse saying that he needs to delete this number coz he bought something from a customer, and he doesnt want another customer to know about it.

I said, "Please lor, it is impossible your customer would go check your phone!" He replied something patronising, like "Better safe than sorry." What does he take me for? A FUCKING IDIOT? I hate people giving me patronising answers that fucking insult my intelligence. But I still taught him how to delete the numbers anyway. If it stops my mum from getting hurt, I'll do it.

So back to my bro and my attitude towards my dad. We were both just semi-cold towards him, coz we are angry that he drove mum off. I can't say that my bro loves my dad as much as I did, because by the time my bro was old enough to know things, my dad has began to bo chup the family.

This afternoon, my mum called up and said that she already settled the housing and the divorce. The house is gonna belong to her, and my dad has agreed to the divorce.

I don't wanna think about it. I don't wanna think how the family is gonna be like without my dad, I don't wanna think where he is going to stay (its his own fault for womanising, and not apologizing to mum even up till now), I don't wanna think how everything is gonna affect my brother, not having a father.

My dad came home at 6 pm today, which is earlier than the usual 8pm.

He was silent when I greeted him.

"Fine," I thought.

Later on, I heard loud vomiting in the toilet. I rushed to look, and saw that my dad is vomiting very severely. He was having having spasms and sounded quite incoherent when I asked him if he is ok.

My daddy is ill. And when he is not with us, no one will be there to care for him when he needs it anymore........

The image of my dad with his head over the toilet bowl just rendered me so helpless, and so upset. Suddenly, I dun give a shit about whether he betrayed my mum or not. I don't give a shit about whether he has been a good father all these years! He is still my dad, and I love him so much, and I don't wanna see him leave us!

I just can't stop crying now. I wanna tell him how much I love him, and that me and didi did not mean to be so hostile towards him... It doesnt mean we don't love him any more than our mum, its just that we are angry; angry with him for not caring enough about us.

He came out of the room just now, and I couldnt bring myself to give him a big embrace but instead meekly asked him whether he doesn't want me and my bro anymore.

He replied that he would come back to see us, silly girl. And with that he is back in his room.

It is so final. My family is falling apart, and I watched it do precisely that without doing anything to help at all. I am a failure of a daughter.

And I hope that filthy woman would just FUCKING DROP DEAD AND DIE. I hate her the most in the whole world. I hereby swear, that I would never, ever, go near a married man with a family, because I know the misery. Being a third party is one thing. All is fair in love and war, and if you win, you hurt one other person and thats it.

But if you break up a family, its an eternal crime, because for your own selfish happiness, you made many others so miserable. The wife cannot even, in her hurt, leave the husband because they have children, which they share... The children not only would not enjoy a normal childhood, they lose all respect for their parent as well. Its not worth it.

I hope Miss Tan goes to eternal hell. Why, why choose my dad of all people for her fucking horny cheebye? Pardon me, she deserves it.

-I need a shoulder to sob on-