Monday, December 15, 2003

I am sitting alone at home, surrounded by the white walls of my home. Hmmm... I finished checking my email. I finished checking friendster mail. I finished re-reading my entries for grammar mistakes, but not bothering to edit them anyway.

What shall I do?

Ah... I shall check on people on friendster...

The walls fall in. Everything turns grey. Thunder clouds form outside the house. Lightning hits a cat and it shrieks. An earthquake, famine, flood and forest fire starts all at the same time. My knees are giving way, even though I am not using them. There is a big pressure, and then Saddam Hussien gets caught. He is ugly. But never mind that.

The day has come. It is inevitable anyway.

I AM SO FUCKING SAD............!!

People, look: =(((

WHY WHY WHY??? Why must this happen??

He is attached already!! All the months of pining... All the efforts made. Everything is just GONE.

Shawn, you can marry me now.

Its okie girl! I'm a big big girl in a big big world its not a big big thing if he leaves me to be with someone else who is no doubt suckier than me. Oh, who am I kidding. I am short and fat. Irritating and loud. Bad hair. A big pimple on the top of my lips (currently). Ugly nose. Not smart enough. Thick ankles. Not rich. Big tummy. Totally in love with Jeremy.

Its okie girl! Its time to grow up anyway. If there is no chemistry, there isn't. Face it, he is fucking someone else. Someone else is fucking him. He is also kissing someone else, hugging someone else. Oh! I am so traumatized!

*Slaps self*

Here are the self-deceiving reasons why Jeremy is so NOT the person for me.

1) He doesn't only not drive. He CAN'T drive.
2) Bankers are too stingy.
3) Bankers make bad lovers.
4) Bankers all bald early.
5) Since he is a banker he will want to always be the banker for monopoly. Thats rude.
6) Banker rhymes with wanker.
7) People who wear yellow tshirts are disgusting.
8) He smokes.
9) What kind of freak has Kit Kat White as their favourite chocolate? (is it even a chocolate?)
10) Jeremy is a motorola promoter. I can imagine this scenerio:

-In the case where we get married-
Jem: Ah. Motorola is such a good brand.
Me: No, Samsung is better.
Jem: Motorola phones have 128k colour screen.
Me: So does Samsung. And Samsung is easier to use than Motorola.
Jem: Too bad. I am buying Motorola phones for all our eleven children.
Me: Speaking of the children! You made me give birth to so many children just coz u are so in love with soccer and wanna play soccer everyday! Look at my tummy now! I am so fat!
Jem: Don't blame me. You were already fat when we were together initially.
Me: ....... Ok. But don't buy them Motorola phones. I INSIST ON SAMSUNG!
Jem: Shut up, bitch. Or I will cancel your bank account and transfer all the money to me! Wahahaha!
Me: You fucked up banker!
Jem: Say somemore! I go cancel now.
Me: I wish you got attached to that girl u claimed u liked in 2003.

11) Jeremy does not put a space after his commas. Can't believe he has been doing it wrong all 25 years.
12) Ong Yan yan sounds HORRIBLE.
13) Jeremy stays at East Coast and thats so freaking far.
14) Jeremy has a very tall sister and I will have to climb on her shoulder to talk to her properly.
15) Jeremy is not Cantonese.
16) Bankers are evil.
17) Thus Jeremy is evil.
18) Jeremy likes coffee shops. I like aircons.
19) "Jeremy and Wendy are married" sounds SO CLICHE.
20) If we get married we would have to invite all the Nokia, Panasonic, Sony Ericsson and LG promoters. They would quarrel at our wedding and we will join in and it will be noisy.
21) Jeremy is fucking attached.
22) Jeremy doesn't like me (in that sense).
23) Jeremy's new gf is possibly Australian and he will get herpes soon.
24) Jeremy is just WRONG.

Thats right. I have been deluded all this while. The Mr. Right is somewhere waiting for me.

*runs along the beach with arms wide open and boobs swinging, complete with the translucent white dress*

Let me into your embrace, Mr. Right!

No more Jeremy. I can survive without him.


Hey, but then again I had this conversation with a friend:

Me: He is attached.
Him: Yeah, but a attached guy is like a goalpost with a goalkeeper. You can still score, just that it is more difficult.


NONONONONO! Cannot be jian nu ren!

Ok, who wants to be my toyboy for the moment? Pay is a massage per 5 hours.

Audition 16/12/2003 at Teban Gardens. Dress up either as a fireman or pilot. Prepare self photo and resume. Auditions will include (pole) dancing and stripping. Perferable to look like Jeremy, if not, Orlando Bloom. Leave a comment for audition details.

Ugly people need not apply. It a cruel world.

Readers are encouraged to give Jeremy a smack on the head when seeing him in public. Shout loudly, "I READ XIAXUE'S BLOG AND YOU ARE AN IDIOT TO NOT LIKE HER!"

Readers are also encouraged to tell Jeremy what he is missing out on in the comments box. Just the good stuff. He knows about the bad stuff already, plus I will delete evil comments anyway.

Oh yeah. To make me a wee bit happier, please vote for me here if you haven't already did it?

-There is life besides Jeremy. There is mahjong.-