Thursday, December 11, 2003

Thats it. I had enough of models. The next time I heard someone vaguely mention something about model-fucking-ling, I will slap the person across the face with a large trout, ala IRC style. In which case I would have to bring a large trout with me everywhere I go, and it will be heavy and I will stink, but it will be worth it.

When I went for the job audition for the Cult thingy, there was this girl who came into the room. She is one brain cell more to becoming a retard. The next time she smokes or take some drugs (no doubt.), the one last brain cell which is preventing her from becoming a true blue idiot will get fried and there, you get yet ANOTHER idiot model. Congratulations! And celebrations! The world needs more idiot models!

Here's what she said.

Interviewer: "Hi, your name?"


"So PurpleBalls, you know what our product is about right? You are to encourage people to try our new drink... There will be a night and day shift, the night for clubs and the day for 7/11 and shell stations."

"Ah huh."

"So PurpleBalls, do you have any past experience for promoting?"

"Oh, I'm with Mark Chow (a modelling agency in case you don't know)"

"Uh... But do you have any past promoting experience?"

"Oh! No."

"Okie... We are looking for people who can work both the night and day shift lor.. Are u ok with the day shift?"

"Huh? Ah... (think for 3 seconds)... I would prefer night la..."

"Yeah but are u ok with day as well?"

"I prefer night lor..."




Someone kill me. Firstly, nobody asked her if she is a freaking model. Why the hell must she announce it? Is it something to be proud of? Please, ANY FREAKING PERSON CAN BE A MODEL. I mean it. The agencies take shit people in. It is NOTHING to be proud of at all!

And why is she so dumb! Urgh!

But thats not all.

There was this second girl, when asked what she is doing currently, she said she is a part-time model. I don't know about how the others feel, but immediately I took a look at her and went, "YOU? A MODEL? No wonder you need to come to this job interview. Ain't getting chosen during auditions huh? Oh, isn't $7 an hour too miserly for poor little itsy bitsy model here? Oh you poor thing... Lucky Cult, they got a MODEL for a promoter! What a deal!"

She isn't even slightly CLOSE to being pretty. I mean, true, she is really a part-time model currently (which really means she is just plain jobless) but I really see no point in letting people sneer at u this way. Maybe, if there were men in the room they would go like, "Wow, model leh!".

But no. The whole room was filled with girls and no one gives a shit whether she is a model or not. All we know is that she is damn hao lian. Whats the point?

This is the worst incident: There was this girl who worked at banquet at New Park with me. I don't give a shit about whether she might read my blog. Her name is Seraphina.

So anyway, a little background info about Miss Sera. She is an old staff of New Park, which is why my manager knows her and asked her to come back to work. She is also tall, and is a MODEL. She is not very pretty though, but I would say she is pleasant looking.

I noticed Seraphina eating with my manager and sat down with them. My manager told me that she is an old staff but it has been years since she came back to work, and thus she doesn't know anyone yet. My manager also stressed (with a very proud tone indeed), that Seraphina is a freaking model.

I thought in my heart: "Why does she have to tell the whole world she is a model? Gross."

But being the kind and benevolent person I am, I tried to be friendly to her as I know how it feels like to be new. The New Park staff all knew each other for a long time already and thus she might feel a little left out.

Me: "Wow, I like your hair colour! Ash brown! Where did u dye it?"

TheFreakingModel: "Oh. Hair show."

Me: "Yeah but where??"

TheFreakingModel: "Hair show lor."

Me: "Yeah la hair show but also got place right?"

TheFreakingModel: "The place? Hair show lor."

Someone, raising voice: "Yeah la but the salon no name meh?"

FreakingModel: "Oh, some jap brand, I don't know."


Throughout my conversation, she gave such dull and unwilling answers, as if she can't be bothered to talk to me. Fine. Maybe she is just a bit shy, I thought.

Boy am I wrong! After I shut my gap, the guys started to talk to her. Suddenly, you can see the glow come back to her face. The eyelashes are batting. The cute blush on the cheeks. The energized answers.

KNN!!! I was so pissed, that I almost wanted to stuff the brinjal I was eating into her flat nose, except for one thing: I wasn't having brinjals. I was forgot what I ate, but whatever it is, I want to slap her with it.

She thinks she is a fucking model, so she can only talk to guys huh? And the banquet guys aren't even CUTE! So, why can't she speak to me? Coz I ain't a freaking model like her?


AS IF I wanna talk to her in the first place. I was just trying to be kind.

Remarkably, at the end of 6 working hours, ALL the girls in New Park hated her guts. She plain refuses to speak to girls. And also, she has the arrogence of standing at the kitchen waiting for food before the VIP server (yours truly) took the food. You see, in banqueting, the bridal table has to get the food first. By coming into the kitchen before the VIP server, you are telling everyone that u are freaking efficient and the VIP server is wasting your time coz she is so damn slow.

Hello?! I don't mind if she does that if she is really so damn fast (coz the other staff has to serve two tables so if she is faster than me she is double my speed). But she is not. According to my colleague, her tables are not even finished with the last dish and she went in to collect the next. This means only one thing: she is trying to impress my manager.

And she succeeded. I heard that the next time she worked, my manager let her be the second VIP server (I was busy so I did not work). Guess what? The guests COMPLAINED very angrily to my manager that her model hair was all over the place. True enough. She plain refused to tie up her hair during work.

Is this ridiculous or what?! A waitress refusing to tie up her hair? (My manager told her to tidy it and she came back with exactly the same hairstyle) She has this two cockroach tails covering the side of the face, which no doubt will drop into the sharks' fin soup when she is serving it. Oh boy I am sorry to tell you this, Seraphina, but I do not think they would think that ash brown dye would taste like vinegar complimenting the soup, darling. Oh what? You say you are a model? Yeah well, but guess what?


Tell me, Seraphina, if you are so bloody successful as a freaking model, why are u working for lousy crumpled New Park Hotel for the hard-earned cash of $5 per hour? Isn't it a little too hard on your fragile model body? What if you break your model nails? Oh god, what if your modelling agent SAW you do this kinda crude and mandane tasks! *tsk tsk* Don't you earn much more (and easily as well) doing hairshows, catwalks and photoshoots? Why wait upon grumpy old guests who don't appreciate those lovely locks all over their soup?

I hate these people. The real models (those who are in Elite or Mannequin for example) don't go around telling the world they are models. People KNOW, coz they are famous. Those who hao lian are from sucky agencies like Jeffery Chung or Linsey or Quest.

All you need to do is to look human to get into these agencies, perferably with a pair of boobs. Actually its ok if u don't look human. You just need the boobs. You can walk around with 3 eyes and a snout and you can still be a model, as long as you have the boobs. And then u get sucky jobs like selling bubble tea wearing bikinis. Or sleazy car shows being race queens.


I really cannot stand them.

Today, June and I went for an audition for some nonsense hairshow. Pay is a hundred, not bad. In the toilet where I met June was this group of chao ah lians.

They were speaking very loudly, and poor June was standing in between of them, so they were shouting across her face. The toilet is small.

"Kan ni na. Wo heng zhao ju xiang GAN ta liao leh. Chao Cheebye...." The rest are too explicit, and repeated anyway. In short, they were thinking of beating up this guy who likes "lok kuays" (slutty prostitutes).

June and I exchanged raised eyebrows and went upstairs for the audition. They were there too. Turns out they are from some modelling agency.

There. You have it. Models. Models= chao ah lians. Baby blue eyeshadow around the whole eye. Mascara like cockroach legs. Skinny body with weird posture (apparently case of bad genes here). Blusher like wayang. This kinda standards can be models.

"Excuse me, are you a model?"

"Yeah, how did you tell?"

"Coz you look too dumb to be anything else."


Anyway, I have thought about it already. Remember the post about talent scouts who always approach June to ask her to be a freaking model when I am talking to June and thus making me forget what I was saying?

I have thought of what I would do to them already. Instead of lynching them and slapping every multiple of five such scouts across the face, I would do this:

Me: "Usual yadda yadda"

June: "Grunt grunt. Grunt."

Me: "Yadda yayayayayayayyaddadaadadddadada! Yadda! Yadda yaddda!"

June: "grunt." *nods*

Me: "Yaada! ya yayadda! yaddad-"


Scout: "Hi Miss you are very beautiful!"

Me: "Thank you."

Scout: "Uh I was speaking to her."

Me: "Why not me?"

Scout: "Sorry.. But I think she is more suitable."

Me: "Ok then, speak to her."

Scout: "Sorry ah Miss. So Miss (addressing June), would u like to join our agency called ShittyShitShit Models? We have a large modelling base of 1,2847 models to date as we recruit even chimpanzees. We are actually trying to cheat your money, but we guarantee you lots of jobs"

June: "Ah-"

Me: "I am sorry, but she can't."

Scout: "Why? And it is none of your business."

Me: "HAHA! IDIOT! Don't you recognise her?! She is the supermodel June Longlegs! She is on this month's Cleo, and on her way to cutting her 3rd album in HK."

Scout: "So?"

Me: "I am her manager, and she is not interested to join your shitty company as she is already with Elite Models, my dear."

Scout: "Well mdm (addressing June), you can still join our company for more job opportunities."

Me: "Why the fuck would she wanna join your company when she is already with Elite?!"

Scout: "Well, can always have more chances mah."


Scout: "I didn't!"


Scout, shouting too: "I DIDN'T SAY I WANT YOU TO JOIN!"


-Everyone gasps.-

Scout: "I didn't! I didn't sell u a stone!"


Scout: "..."


-Good. Less models, less annoyance.-