Monday, July 19, 2004

I am on my way to becoming a Sex GODDESS

In case you are one of those people who drifted aimlessly into my site today because it is the Best Singapore Blog 2003 (subject to the flawed voting system) or some other recommendation from other people, please do not be appalled that the first post you see is this one.
Because I am usually not so juvenile and self-absorbed. No wait, I am. But at least not every post is about my hair. Because this one is. The whole post is about it. And if you are one of those prima donnas who insist on reading only highly intellectual stuff (I am not saying my hair is not intelligent, but that might be an acquired taste for you), then please proceed to the next post below this one, where I blog in such a way that I seem intelligent, although smarter blogders saw through the million fallacies and exposed me as a lying hypocritical bastard. Did I spell fallacy correct?
In any case, I have just finished reading Scott Adam's book and I am writing like him. Dammit.
Let's go back to bimbo Xiaxue.
La la la la! *whistles IT'S A PERFECT DAY ... NOTHING'S COMING IN MY WAY ... PERFECT DAY ....*
Alright, back to my hair. What do you mean no one's interested in my hair? EVERYONE is interested in my hair - or anything to do with me. If you disagree, you are a self-centred bastard who only cares about yourself and not about random photoshopped Bloggers. If you say that I am being, ah, self-contradictory - congrats, you are too stupid to even read a blog about hair, so fuck off and get a sense of humour. Heard you can buy it from Elbonia - and remember to drown yourself there.
Alright, back to my hair.
I told my mum: "Mum, can you help me take a picture of my hair?"  The keyword here is "told". 
She replied in a snide manner that I am very capable of taking pictures myself, so why not do it again and stop bothering her from hanging the laundry in fact if I am so free to take pictures of hair, why not help her fold the clothes.
I threw her into Pandan reservior but while I was tossing her around like a lasso (using only my pinky finger mind you, I am that strong) to heave her into the choppy and dangerous waters*, I thought that I would have to end up hanging the clothes without her so I decided against it and set her gently on the floor again.
She was disorientated. I asked her, "Ma, are you not oriental anymore?"

She said she would take the photo for me.
So she did.

This photo, taken on a really bad hair day, oh wait, I think I shall digress. Really. You have to believe me. Usually my hair is nicer. Today, my hair, obviously very confused individuals because I have permed and rebonded them, have decided to act funny again.
Apparently half of the hairs prefer to be permed (loyal to the old perming liquids they were), and the other half, being shu nu hairs like it's owner, wants to be rebonded-straight. They fought a hard war, in which a rebonded bishop and a permed Knight lost their lives, and finally, both sides won.
So the hair ended up half curly and half straight.
But that's not the point.
The point is - LOOK HOW LONG IT IS!
I don't care whether you are mumbling under your breath that hair will grow no matter what and it takes no special talent or intelligence to grow remarkably long hair. MY HAIR IS LONG! It is possibly longer than yours and a Shih Tzu's combined - which is saying a lot.
The photo also serves to show that I have a kickass back view like the God of Gamblers. DU SHEN! HEI TAO Ace! Royal flush TONG HUA SHUN!
When I was a kid, my mum used to bully me into cutting my hair short everytime the back of my hair reached my eyebrow-level. I used to be called MUSHROOM HEAD in kindergarden, which results in me being a quiet and subtle individual now with real difficulty in expressing myself especially speech-wise. I may not look it, but I am really diminutive and I have inferiority complex.
As I grew up to enrol into Primary school, where social life is important, she still disallowed me to have long hair because it is "messy" and I am messy enough without long streaks of sweat-ridden locks plastered down the sides of my face.
Thus, while all the pretty girls flipped their hair around the boys then, I could only act as the servants of these girls - fanning them and feeding them seedless grapes while looking up at them in adoration. I hoped and hoped the boys would notice me, the hapless servant girl, but no one loves a mushroom headed person.
When I hit Primary Six, my mum, apparently scared that I would fail my PSLE out of spite, decided to let me grow some tresses.
So, I rewarded her with my HIGH PSLE OF 269 - with four A*s and 1 HIGHER (yes, I am higher than you) Chinese Merit.
However, while the PSLE elites were rechoosing (you possibly didn't know the PSLE elites could rechoose their sec schools, for you were an outcast from young) which kickass SAP school we should entrust our little bright futures into, I was torn.
Should I go into RGS and wear loose waistbands like I was pregnant all the time?
No, I hate Girls' schools. They turn out funny.
Should I enrol into Chinese High then, where I could alter my shorts so that they became hot pants and I would be so sexy?
Should I go into SCGS where I can't sweat or I will have armpit sweat strains on my uniform?
Or maybe Dunman high? Or? Chung Cheng? Nah, all too far.
The only choice is River Valley - but for one thing. I had to cut my long hair - or join Chinese Dance.
Rumour has it that one particular long-haired ancestor of River Valley was doing Technical work and her hair was accidentally rolled into a cruel machine which with one giant heave! tore her hair and scalp off - leaving a bloody mess, a flabbergasted class, and River Valley to ban long hair forever, as opposed to banning that violent technical machine which pulls hairs. She was also the heir of Slytherin and she opened the Chamber of Secrets.

In all seriousness, we should be real glad that they did not make us all have crew cut.
So anyway, I joined National Cadat Corps (you heard that right. Blogging Society was not invented yet or I would have dropped NCC in a jiffy) and cut my long hair while crying my heart out.
For four years, I could not have long hair. Nonetheless, I made it up to myself by having the longest armpit hair in the world. Often, teachers would come up to me and say, "Yan yan, your hair is getting too long, you should cut it" and walk away tsk tsk-ing to themselves. For some time, I didn't understand it. My hair was averaging 3 cm per hair. Later I realised they thought my hair was so long it showed under my armpits, but they were mistaken.
Four long (ironic pun intended) years. So now, after I left RV, I grew my hair till it is its current length, and thank more than five different Gods everytime I think about how lucky I am to have such pretty hair.
In fact, my ultimate aim is this:
(Digressing, today Enormous EK, who is still in China, said that I should be Singapore's first and only female EROTICA writer. Here's my try - tell me if I am any good)
I want to grow my hair till it reach my waist in thick, luscious curls that cascade down my sexy back.
Eh eh, let me give you a virtual aid:
Imagine some long-haired pretty girl, say .... Vivian Hsu. Who is, coincidentally, one of the most beautiful actresses in the world, in my opinion.

Now, imagine you are a guy, if you are not already a guy. 
Vivian is sitting on you, and she is naked. Of course, you guys are having sex - in a slow, Taiwan RA film manner - and you are rocking her gently while she gives out soft moans of ecstacy as you reach into places she never thought existed.
You stare at Vivian. She has her eyes closed, and her porcelain skin so smooth against yours. You think to yourself, "DAMN, I am one lucky bastard to be shagging her!" and indeed, you are, because it will never happen. But that's not the point.
Vivian opens her eyes slowly, dark long lashes framing her big soulful eyes which stares into yours. But with a naked girl in front of you, who would want to look at eyes?
You stare at her swelling breasts, heaving slowly to your pumping rhythm. You are in total control of her. Her breasts are partially covered by her long hair, as if a shiny auburn waterfall is cascading over her shoulders. You want to reach out to shift the smooth curtain away - but Vivian looks so perfect now, you don't want to risk ruining the picture, which is so beautiful, you almost want to throw it into the Louvre.
In one particularly strong thrust you make, Vivian moans even louder, and she throws her head back in half-pleasure, half-torture.
With her eyes still staring into yours sincerely, like the innocent girl Vivian is, she lifts up her hands which were plastered palm-down to your muscled torso, and while breathing heavily still, tosses her dark hair back in one fluid sweep.
Her hair is so long that it frames her lithe body beautifully, forming a stark contrast to her fair skin. It fans out behind her and ...

I can't do this anymore. I can't write anything without making it into a comedy. So anyway, I think I made my point about waist long hair. Now, replace the bold words with an image of a girl with a short black bob, or maybe even a girl with engine red spiky flat top if you must go to that extent.
Totally lost the sensuality, right?
See? I am about to turn into a sex goddess soon. Give me maybe ... four months? and my hair would be long like Vivian's. I do not look or moan or toss my hair like she would, but four months is plenty for plastic surgery and practice while watching Taiwan porn.
I might have been single for 2 (maybe 3?) years - but just four more months, and no men can RESIST MY SEX GODDESS HAIR!
Then, I shall conquer the world just because I have the best hair EVER!! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Whenever I flip it around in a small action, oceans overflow and the temperature goes up by 5 degrees - I am that hot. Whenever I flip my hair around in a BIG action - ho ho ho! I shudder to think what will happen. I imagine if I were in China, all the guys cum-ing at the same time would cause everyone in Singapore to drown and sink into oblivion.**

To end this blog entry which has almost no point, I shall put some of Vivian's photos.
The reason is because in my Friendster profile (, I stated clearly that I will not reply any messages which has the heading "Hi" as it is possibly desperate morons sending it but stupid people are stupid and I get like 6 messages a day with the heading "Hi" still.
What is worse is that when I actually open it and tell the bugger to please go kill himself for it's people like him that makes the Africans starve, he has the nerve to say that not only is he not responsible for the Africans' plight, I am also a conceited bitch and I should be actually appreciative that horny bastards like him and his kind are actually interested in me BECAUSE I AM NOT THAT PRETTY OK, PROUD SLUT? No thanks ok?
You are thinking what has that got to do with putting Vivian's photos up.
My point is that if people in Friendster do not actually read what the profile says, then there must be a percentage of people who are viewing my blog who do not actually read my words at all. These people glaze over the chunky paragraphs while actively searching for naughty words like breast breast breast breast AHA MENSES BLOOD STAINS! (the menses part was to catch them unaware and traumatize them) and do not actually register any meanings in their heads.
Thus, these people would also be stupid enough to think that I am actually Vivian Hsu and this web owner is very pretty. Of course, my big fat picture is on the top of this site, but I'm sure this will work:

That is me when I was 21, look a bit fat hor? Look very different from the top photo also, right?


Pretty? I love the white dress that my sister bought for me.

What's the point of letting these idiots think that I am Vivian?

I guess I just love praises, even if it weren't really for me.  *shrugs shoulders*


*An ex boyfriend, a very stupid one at that, was at Pandan reservior with me making out. Suddenly, a draft of extra stupid wind hit him and he mumbled in what he obviously thought was a thoughtful and clever manner: "Do you think there are sharks in the waters?" I told him that the reservior is ENCLOSED and not connected to the sea so that's impossible, unless our Goverment threw sharks into the waters to get rid of plankton. TRUE STORY. 

** When I was in Taiwan a driver told me that Singaporeans were no fight for the China people coz if every Chinese there were to just pee on our little island, everyone will drown immediately.