Assumptions by Simpletons

Hi dingbats!

Too many spines on the porcupine's back will cause it to finally break, and I've just received one last email ("Are u really so horny in real life, Wendy?") that inspired me to write this blog entry.

There are so many stupid induhviduals infesting the world that I've decided to, once and for all, set their assumptions all right at one go - since they are so convinced they are right anyway.

Let me try to prevent them from reading this paragraph (it is for the smartie pants only), which will be written in a string of negatives like that pessimistic robot did for Trillian in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (citing a book is an erroneous way to invite them away also) [Douglas Adams, 1979] in an utterly circumlocutory chunk where I will be throwing in random bombastic words ANAESTHESIOSLOGY to encourage the imbeciles to misapprehend SODIUM MONOGLUMATORM my point, which is: Of the following, naught is accurate, or factual.







Regarding my looks:


"All photoshop lah, bet she looks like a pig in real life!"

Indeed. Don't speak about that anymore! I am so sad! In fact, I am so ugly that in primary school people used to kick me around. When I asked them, "Why are you kicking me around? Is it because I am very good at Algebra?", they sniggered! Being the jocks they are, they thought that Algebra is the same as algae, so they commented that I am as ugly as algebra - which is very ugly indeed. Can you imagine anything as ugly as Algebra??!

From that day onwards, they called me Ugly Algebra. Later on, the nick was shortened to just "Bra" because they were lazy, and it was SO BAD OH BOOHOOHOO! *whimper* *sniff sniff* because I had no breasts to speak of (those u see on photos are clearly photoshopped on) and I didn't like people reminding me of their non-existence by calling me Bra!

AHA!

Then Ugly Algebra finally grew up! Unluckily for the bastards, I am also an expert at Photoshop!!!! Thus, I cut up the photo of the best looking jerk in my Primary school ...

His name is Haley.






AND I MADE HIM LOOK LIKE A PROBOSCIS MONKEY!






HA! THAT WILL TEACH HIM TO CALL ME UGLY ALGEBRA!!!

So please, will you pardon me for editing my photos? I do not want to be ugly again!! Sob, I am so ugly, even my driving teacher tried to get me to drive myself into Little Guilin. Only in this virtual world can I look gorgeous. =(


"I saw her before, looks like a slut and is fucking short!"

OH NO! I am so short, I am almost negative height. =( I wish you never found out.


"She really thinks she is so gorgeous. MY FOOT!"

Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, for a moment think that I think I am gorgeous. I do not think. I KNOW. Despite all my photoshop here, I am really really unparalleled looks-wise and I do not feel shy to declare it to the world.

Alright I admit it. You would not have expected this, but my photoshop was done the reverse way - which means I usually make myself look uglier. This is because I know from experience that girls commit suicide in self-pity when they look at me - I am just so damn flawless.

In actual fact, the statement that I made at my blogger profile, "I am just goddamn gorgeous", is 100% correct!

I think I am so beautiful that I should be made supreme ruler of the world because I look so fine. Look at my long eyelashes! Look at my lovely smile! My dazzling nostrils! OMG, have you seen a such a paragon of beauty? Who am I kidding, of course you have - ME.

I am so magnificently ravishing, that if I stood on a mountain made of diamonds and rubies, they no longer shine and are but dull stones. I am so resplendent, I make the fish sink, and the cranes drop down from the sky**
(**From the chinese proverb Chen2 yu2 luo4 yan4)

To remind you how beautiful I am, (although you clearly cannot forget that as I have the angelic kinda face that stays etched in memories), I shall now post a chain of my divine photos. Well, some mortals call them photos, but I perfer ... evidence of historic moments.








BEHOLD!






THE BEAUTY ... WHICH WORDS CANNOT DEFINE ...










My my ... This is the kind of stuff that heaven is made of.







Regarding my intelligence:


"What an ultimate bimbo!"































.
.
.
.

"That is like, so not true!"




Regarding my morals/personality:



"She is so selfish, she once stated in a blog entry that she will not give up seats to pregnant ladies."

*DING DING DING* Correct! Not only do I NOT (to be sure u read the NOT properly, I bolded, underlined and italised it) give up my seat on the MRT to pregnant ladies, I also deliver old people swift kicks every time I see them because I think they are all smelly.


"She is soooo self-centred! Her whole blog is about herself."





Self-centred? Who? Me? I have NO idea what made you say such a hurtful statement.





Regarding my writing skills/the blogs's standards:


"So many people hate her and she even has a hate site! Therefore, we are not alone and mass agreement means it is true - Xiaxue sucks!"

Correct! All the people in the hate site really hate me because I killed Dilly.


"Don't understand why a blog so lousy can get so many readers. Bet she ask all her stupid friends to click for her everyday."

Pardon me, I can't give you a good long answer now as I am typing with my left hand. My right hand's index just had a cramp and needs rest.




Regarding my sexual bits:


"I'm sure she masturbates, she is so horny!"

With some violently orange ribbons,

My faithful Hello Kitty vibrator,

And an eggbeater.







Don't ask. It's personal.


"She kanna fucked so much, surely her ** very loose." (*I cringe too, but that's what imbeciles at Hardwarezone like to say, no?)

That is CORRECT again! In fact, once upon a time I met up with my friends at a bar, and they are both prostitutes. We were talking among ourselves pleasantly when friend A suddenly said, "I'm sure I get fucked the most amongst us."

"Oh yeah?" Friend B and I exclaimed.

"Sure," said Friend A. "I get fucked so much, I can stuff a cucumber in, no problem."

And indeed, she took a thick-set cucumber out of nowhere and impaled herself. Now, the whole bar was watching us, transfixed.

Friend B was not to lose out to her.

"I've been fucked so much," she said confidently. "I can stuff a whole arm in, no problem."

And so she did.


I said nothing, and slid down the stool.

***

(On a side note, I remember a long long time ago I saw this on Rotten.com's Fuck of the Month and it makes me laugh out loud everytime I see a traffic cone (Don't click unless u are of age, it is PORN). Alas, the things people do.)

"She so pudgy*, surely nobody wanna fuck her."
(*Word varies)

WHAT ABOUT LEWIS??!

UPDATED: Click here to go to a Li Jia Wei fan site if you are into sports and that sort of thing.

Comments

Defector said…
wao... bravo bravo.... haha... interesting blog.. guessed thats what blog's about.. clap clap clap... haha... happy blogging..
tube said…
"That is like, so not true!" << muahahahahahh dat pic made me flip off my chair. nice one. -grins-
lotise said…
hahahaha. You are the best.
Ask those dimwits to smell your ass.
Ivan said…
Aargh... the traffic cone... my eyes... aiee...... my eyes...

Hai~Ren
Unknown said…
check it out...

http://www.xiaxue.blgospot.com/ sends u to a bible website..

holy cow, xiaxue might be jesus in disguises..

*toot.

haha. :D
Zen|th said…
"I said nothing, and slid down the stool."

That is so gross yet so so funny at the same time! Haha..
Zen|th said…
"I said nothing, and slid down the stool."

That is so gross yet so so funny at the same time! Haha..
Gum said…
rivacordex, how uncanny...

www.how.come.any.thing.also.go.to.jesus.blgospot.com

also goes to the same site?

(Dun believe, click an paste it then)

Lol.
Anonymous said…
This must be one of the best entries, ever. I know some numbskulls are going miss the point and write some negative shit about this post again, but I love the fact that they will probably be driven nuts by the barrage of your pics, especially the "That is like, so not true!" photo ;)!

In other words, you're brilliant. And Drop Dead Gorgeous too of course (I don't know why I am saying that again, because you already know that fact ;)
fio said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
fio said…
=) i really admired ur way of rebuting those people in your own sardonic style. this post is enjoyable to read. =D
dapaowang said…
An excellent reply for those idiots out there. I bet there are some of them out there who are already going "see see see, i knew she has a loose **"..... and "wa lao, how come her vibrator look so different from my bimbo gf one ah?"

xiaxue rules
pixie said…
haha. interesting interesting. btw. how short is short.
Anonymous said…
hate site for xiaxue?! i clicked that link on ur blog.. but it's all about that guy who crapped about his personal stuff... and it's like updated N (N->infinity) centuries ago.. WHAT KIND OF HATE SITE IS THAT? SIMPLY POINTLESS. BLOGGER SHOULD HAVE DESTROYED THAT SITE INSTEAD.

Hence, not correct to say that xiaxue is hated. there's always people who are devoted to you like they do for God (lousy phrasing :P but christians don't kill me for this) and also there are ppl who detest you like jews do for hitler. anyway.. still support xiaxue's blog ;)

jh
http://xiao3yu3.blogspot.com
Ms Gia Gia said…
I like that "that is like, not so true" picture...kawaii ne...

anyway, it's YOUR blog, of coz we'll read about YOU...keke...
addicted` said…
excellent writing!
I've been "lurking" around your blog for quite some time but have still yet to leave a comment..
but this entry is irresistable!
rock on!
and being short is not a crime :) don't know why those fuckwits like to harp on the fact that you're not exactly that tall..
http://myaddictionisyou.blogspot.com
Unknown said…
Xiaxue has a teardrop mole, which i think is gonna be her defining feature,...the whle point of the existence of her pictures..

and according to old CHinese belief, the teardop mole certainly brings bad luck to her future husband and so on..hmm. interesting. :)
Xiaxue said…
The hatesite is written by MOIIIIIIIIIIII. Contributors: Xiaxue. See???

Thanks for the praise haha ... Oh yeah, the slid down stool joke is from FHM la, tot u guys should have read it before. It's not original.
tube said…
"jh | xy said...
hate site for xiaxue?! i clicked that link on ur blog.. but it's all about that guy who crapped about his personal stuff... and it's like updated N (N->infinity) centuries ago.. WHAT KIND OF HATE SITE IS THAT? SIMPLY POINTLESS. BLOGGER SHOULD HAVE DESTROYED THAT SITE INSTEAD."

lol dumb ass tot it was written by some guy.
Anonymous said…
oops i missed that point.. din realise xiaxue contributed to that site also.. anyway..

*ignores hate site*

wouldn't it be better to just read xiaxue's writings back here at xiaxue.blogspot.com? ;)

-- and to comment on that *blgospot*.com thingy.. it's not just xiaxue's blog address mistyped gives some jesus site.. in fact all addresses do.

jh
http://xiao3yu3.blogspot.com
Mr_BuRns said…
i dun read FHM tt kind of crap i only read XiaXue's blog!!!
wahahaha
Watch the World said…
hey u have a fan. MEEE!!@!@!@!@
Unknown said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mr. Dew said…
You've got a funny blog here, I like what you've written, lol
It's been some time since I last drop by a Singapore blog. Despite all the bad comments you have gotten, I think your blog is great. Keep up the good work. :)

- Mr. Dew (http://blog.beconfused.com)
Anonymous said…
To LOVE olivia:

Come to my fav website, xiaxue.blogspot.com.
AND this is goddamned funny.
But what's the big deal about sex, when you can have a vibrator?

:D
Xiaxue said…
Once they invent a robot which can cuddle me to sleep (by hugging me from the back the way I like it) and tell me I am the most special girl in the way, I will be fine with the annilation (how to spell?) of all men on earth. *smiles*
guardian said…
LOL come on, you guys should have known by now that the hate site is written by Xiaxue and 2 other bloggers. It quite funny to read them at times.

Well, it's tough being beautiful. Bear with it. XD
sevenspell said…
"I said nothing, and slid down the stool."

This really had me laughing out loud, which i've done not for quite some time..

Anyway, love your sarcastic style of writing.. it's hilarious!

*ps: where's that Lewis post??
eternal-voyage said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
AJ said…
u go babe~! u sure showed them wat you're made up off... surely not all they've apparently made u up to be but more than that... and for that, u deserve a standing ovation *clap clap*...
all the world is filled with fools who only write hate mails and such outta jealousy...
Lisa said…
Xiaxue's Blog surpasses all others once again.
Xiaxue said…
Hi eternal-voyage:

Does my blog look like a billboard to you? I'm sorry, but I am as self-centred and selfish as they all say I am. My blog is about me, and I do not care if there is someone out there as "BHB" as me. I am clearly the star here.

Any form advertising WILL be erased, esp shameless self-promoting of blogs.

Anyway eternal, I think it's a very mean thing you are doing - so set up a blog solely to defame. Have you ever thought of the girl's feelings? So what if she is as mean? It doesn't mean you should descend to her level.
Xiaxue said…
*to instead of so
Xiaxue said…
Same goes for you, love-olivia.

Man, i ought to charge these people.
asdfghjkl said…
I believe its spelt ANAESTHESIOLOGY. HA, bombastic words? Enough said.
Yo~MAMA said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Yo~MAMA said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Yo~MAMA said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
HopeSandoval said…
Oh! Come on. Give her a break. How often do people use words like "ANAESTHESIOLOGY". Bet you wouldn't even think of it if you haven't seen her post.
Watch the World said…
hey all xiaxue haters i challenge you fags to a game of warcraft 3. i'll rape ur puny ass upside down
asdfghjkl said…
HopeSandoval: For the record, I would. If, XIAXUE(my gawd!) wants to boast her oh-so-perfect-english, shouldn't words be spelt the CORRECT way?

nep: wow! fantastic! marvellous! sheesh... bet you're one of those losers in those sleazy lan shops spouting vulgarities. And oh, did i mention your long, heavily gelled, centre-parted hair? *puke*, get a life dude.
Shaocong said…
Talking about Douglas Adam citations, I managed to fit 2 references, complete with cited footnotes, in my Singapore Legal Systems final essay in law school and got away with a B. They're making a new movie, if anyone's interested in this kind of thing..
Watch the World said…
hi asdfgasdasdasd well u lost your bet at that very instant your finger types the very words. 1 - 0 nep leading.
Ivan said…
(-_-)|||

Hai~Ren
Me said…
Hey Wendy, I'm a new reader and I love your blog. Anyway, screw all those jealous people with no lives. You are gorgeous and confident and that's awesome like no other. I used to live in Singapore until my mom moved us to US. I was so miserable, n I missed Singapore so much. I've been visiting almost every year since then. I can switch back and forth from an american accent n my singlish. Anyway, I'd definitely continue reading your blog because you make me crack up!
Yo~MAMA said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
asdfghjkl said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
*chang said…
hey. i think you're a natural. its my first time reading your blog and its so interesting im hooked! i'll drop by often to check out your posts.

**you rawk girl!
guardian said…
O.o such hate, such angst. Liven a little, before you end up shooting someone. Then again, it's next to impossible for a common folk to get a gun, anyway.

'omgz u sux! g0 away u sux0rz! tis ish teh place for 1337!'

I have no idea why I said those.
guardian said…
Sorry for the double post. Interestingly, both asdfghjkl and Yo mama have an ID but no blogs! Talk about suckers, creating an account specially for flaming? No wait, this isn't even CLOSE to flaming. What do we usually call this? Ah yes, a pathetic act of attention seeking. You got the attention, or rather the pity, from me. Go terrorize another blog, Osama. And don't even get started with me. I barely just warmed up. ^^
Yo~MAMA said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
`nic.ethan said…
yaaaah.

me and my girlfriend nearly died laughing when we saw that vibrator. hahahaha.
Danielle said…
lol. jus read the entry. i bet the "dumb" category of the hate-xiaxue-team is going,"eh! she's actually admitting she's short and ugly and bimbotic."

then again, i applaud ur superb writing skills. haha. =D not everyone can do all those sarcastic-writing-comment things at one shot.



cheers
eXp said…
That traffic cone...HAHA! It's funny. But I wonder if that bitch in that pic really did stuff that into her pussy. Anyway, you got an interesting blog.



Allow me to spam for a moment. ;P
http://forums.hardwarezoom.com
eXp said…
That traffic cone...HAHA! It's funny. But I wonder if that bitch in that pic really did stuff that into her pussy. Anyway, you got an interesting blog.



Allow me to spam for a moment. ;P
http://forums.hardwarezoom.com
Spirit Fingers said…
Your blog is very pink. This pleases me.
roger said…
an-ni-hi-lation but pronouced as an-nul-lation.haha.
Ms Gia Gia said…
Looks like someone is trying very hard to get attention.....
asdfghjkl said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
guardian said…
Damn, I wished I could have seen the posts by those 2.

BTW, Chen2 Yu2 Luo4 Yan4 is sink fish drop swallow, not crane. Crane is He4. ^^;;
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Xiaxue said…
Guardian: No, it's crane. Check out the facts first.
eXp said…
Hey xiaxue, Guardian is right. It's swallows not cranes.
It should be translated as Fishes Sink, Swallows Fall.
Fishes sink into the water while the swallows fall down from the sky. Cranes don't fly do they?
eXp said…
Hey xiaxue, Guardian is right. It's swallows not cranes.
It should be translated as Fishes Sink, Swallows Fall.
Fishes sink into the water while the swallows fall down from the sky. Cranes don't fly do they?
Ivan said…
If I recall correctly, he(4) is the Mandarin word for 'crane'

The yan(4) in the idiom 'chen(2) yu(2) luo(4) yan(4) more correctly refers to 'wild goose'.

Hai~Ren
Xiaxue said…
The "yan" is not the usual yan. My chinese teacher told us it's a crane - maybe she was wrong? But it's definitely not a swallow.

I KNOW HE(4) IS CRANE LAH MY CHINESE IS A2 OK! And I took higher chinese too! BAH!

In any case, cranes do fly - have a trip to Jurong and you will see those cute little ones which escaped from Jurong Bird Park (or so they say).
Ivan said…
I also took Higher Chinese... =D

Anyway, I think your Chinese teacher might have made a mistake. Try a Google image search on the Chinese character for 'yan'(4) in that idiom, and you come with loads of pictures of wild geese.

Hai~Ren
CyN said…
Erm...those at Jurong are known as herons or egrets. No cranes are in such hot areas such as SG
Ivan said…
Jurong BirdPark and the Singapore Zoological Gardens have free-flying cranes, but normally the long-legged white bird with a long beak and neck you might see in open fields is more often than not the cattle egret (Bubulcus ibis).

There are no wild cranes in Singapore. And while as a whole, the crane family lives in temperate regions of Europe, Asia and North America, there are tropical species that make their home in Africa, India, and the wetlands of Australia.

(A sure sign that a new blog post is long overdue when the people commenting start straying very far off-topic HINT HINT)

Hai~Ren
eXp said…
How come I got double posts? O_O

Erm...anyway, cranes DO fly. I just recalled seeing cranes flying in some Chinese paintings. Hmm...yeah. :Pardon me, earlier I thought a crane is a bird that buries its head into the ground all day and have weak little wings that can't even flap itself up an inch. Um...that's an ostrich that I was thinking about, stupid me. (I�ve been trapped in a cave for so long I�ve never even seen any living thing since then. So excuse me for being ignorant.)

Anyway, that He4 in that Chinese proverb should be a crane. No doubt about it.
Well, a valuable lesson to be learnt. Never believe what your teacher tells you in school. Most of the time he or she may be right, but there's time when he or she might be wrong. A teacher was also once a student. (Wah, scully your teacher was taught all the wrong things now he/she also pass on those incorrect info to ya. *Gee, like tat also can be a teacher meh?* How I know ah?)

Hm, finally one last thing...*Oi! EXP siam lah! Post so long for wat lah you!!* Ok, ok! I just wanna ask Xiaxue a question OK? :/ Hey friend! What's your height?
Please tell me curious little creature that wanna know this. Don't worry. Just say it out loud. What�s there to be disgraced? In case you are wondering how tall I am, just imagine Mini-Me in Austin Powers. That�s how tall I am. (How I look at ordinary people is just like the way they see Yao Ming. That�s why I never dared to step out of my cave. :-( ) *Hey EXP, enough?*

Ok. That�s all. Sorry for my long-winded comment. *Hey what the heck! What comment!? More like a full page blog in somebody else�s comment page lah you stupid lamer!*

Huh? :/
guardian said…
Guardian: No, it's crane. Check out the facts first.

Whoa, just pointing out something I thought was wrong. No offence in the first place. I apologize if you felt it was an insult to your Chinese grades.

????

Well, I was wrong afterall. My apologies.
tapestrywater said…
i can't believe that i'll go to www.xiaxue.blogspot.com everyday to check if she's updated her site yet.
I can't believe that i've nearly read all of her archives and have laughed my heart out so many times.
I can't believe that i'm actually nearly becoming an unknown fan of xiaxue.
And i passed her webbie to a friend of mine and nearly wanted to spam on her.*phew good thing i did'nt*
And i can't believe that i actually have to agree with her mrt talks and stuff that she says.
But i believe that i've added one more nipple to her monkey. And it makes the monkey look grotesque with 70++ nipples already. Whoever has such a monkey?
Ms Gia Gia said…
erm...the yan4 is a type of wild goose, but the wings and neck are longer than the normal goose. =)Oh...it can fly ????.=)

Btw, you live up to ur name, yan yan.. your name means talented.. =)
Ms Gia Gia said…
oh..i mean the yan4 can fly and swim very well...not '???' =)
Ms Gia Gia said…
oh..i mean the yan4 can fly and swim very well...not '???' =)
eXp said…
Sorry, I mentioned crane just now. It should be swallow.
yan4 = swallow

I got confused...*he4 = cranes?* Yeah! *But in that idiom only yan4.* My mistake. :(

Hey guardian, you're right. You weren't wrong, why apologise? :
Stop talking about the birds now people. :D

Now, a moment to spam my website...again. :P
http://forums.hardwarezoom.com
enhui said…
hey xiaxue!

you look good in specs :)
cherry said…
yo. update. hahaha. tons of us are dying for more!
Anonymous said…
Aiyah, I think Xx busy lah :) I don't mind waiting cos the waiting's worth it!

Man4 Gong1 Chu1 Xi1 Huo4 :)
haze said…
hey babe!! carry on ya? i lurve ur blog!!! woohoo!! u rock girl!
sari said…
Hey Babe, stumbled upon your blog and was amazed how brilliant it is. Love a lot of your posts and for being you, nothing less~ Continue posting and Id keep reading =)

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