MUAHAHAHHAAHHA!!! Please imagine, if you were Harry Potter and I were Lord Voldemort (Shewhoshallnotbenamed! LOL!), you will feel a searing pain on your scar right this moment, while you sense that I, Lord Voldemort, am skipping around in extremely merry jubilation! EXPECTO PATRONUM!!! Crucio crucio crucio!! Yay!
This is what happened. Those who know me will possibly nod their heads in avid agreement when you ask them about my very fat tummy.
Protruding proudly like an old man's beer belly, it threatens, at its worst of times, to be the most 'outstanding' thing my body has while in lateral view - beating 'breasts' and 'nose' hands down (the "hands" part not to be taken literally). The only thing that it can defeat is ... my toes. Maybe if I bang my forehead against the fishtank ala luohan my forehead can win my tummy too. HEY! Maybe I should bang my breasts against the fishtank! Yay!
Back to the point. Very sad indeed, very sad. I suspect that fucked-up tummy I have is the sole reason why I am not achieving my lifetime goal yet - which is to shag Mr. Tay Ping Hui.
I know, right? That's a stupid lifetime goal to have. It's stupid not because it's very bimbotic to have such a superficial goal ... I SHALL DIGRESS!
Why would wanting to shag Ping Hui be termed as superficial? I believe it could go as deep as 7, maybe 8 inches. That's pretty deep, ain't it? *smiles*
So anyway, back to my lifetime goal. It is not stupid because it is merely 7 inches deep. It is stupid because unlike other realistic goals - ie buying an estate in Queen Astrid Park - Ping Hui is likely to age a little faster than me, and therefore at my age of 50 he may be 60 and no longer half as suave as he is now. Boo! That means it impossible to be called a "lifetime goal"!
However, perhaps when I am 50, old men at 60 will start to look very good. Or perhaps, even when I am 50 the 60-yr-old Ping hui is still considered, arguably, the cutest 60-yr-old Singaporean guy. Hence, when I finally achieve my lifetime goal then, my friends - who are 50 like me - will be so envious of me still!! Yay!
Back to the root of the problem. Tummy.
I thought to myself - how am I supposed to make it go away so that, conversely, Ping hui will come (in all senses. Omg! *giggles*)?
And then I had a brilliant idea. Dah!
That almost exactly 1 year ago.
And I didn't see any girdles for sale anywhere at all! A few weeks ago, I went out with Weili to tour Geylang Serai, and I FOUND A GIRDLE FOR SALE!
I looked left and right for people that I might know, but in the vicinity are all Malay aunties and I don't think they know me ... Screwing up my face and courage, I walked up the the uncle selling cheap lingerie, and enquired about his .... girdles. Eh, for my mum of course.
He is apparently used to people buying horrid looking granny underwear from him, and did not give a hoot about me buying the said mechandise. I silently appreciated that he didn't even check out my tummy, which was then filled to the brim with Malay Kebab.
He took out some change for me (it was $4 and I gave $10) and promptly, the deal was sealed.
Meanwhile, Weili had stealthily walked away in embarrassment.
MAY I PRESENT TO YOU, THE FUGLY FLESH COLOURED PIECE OF RUBBER!!!!!!!!!!
Ladies and faggots! Your pathway to trim tummy nirvana!
(I sincerely apologize to Blogger for wasting 67k of space for a useless picture like the one above)
No wonder Weili didn't want to be seen with me. I quickly stuffed the girdle into my bag.
Like the dutiful customer I am, I measured my waist before embarking on the task of bursting the hooks. 24 inches if I suck in, 25 inches if I be truly honest to myself. And this is at the smallest of the waist.
The past week was AGONYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! I wore the girdle to sleep, I wore the girdle to blog, I wore the girdle to watch TV.
At my fleeting waking moments, the girdle forces me to sit up ramrod straight because it is so goddamn tight. At night, I usually suffocate myself to a faint and then fall asleep. I wake up feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. stomach. I mean stomach.
Today, I woke up to another day of girdle-madness. Giving my tummy a pat for being so obediently tortured, I decided to take off the girdle because I had a co-hosting gig Eileen (Wee) asked me to do with her.
I tip-toed to steal my mum's measuring tape, and VOILA!!!!!!!!!
May I make you envious, ladies??????
ARE YOU NOT SEETHING JEALOUS????? Because even as I look at this (still red) picture, I am jealous of myself! If I weren't me, I'd wish I were me!
22.5 (TWENTY TWO POINT FIVE MIND YOU!) FREAKING INCHES!!!! Of course, if you are a supermodel you will think ... 22.5 inches is really pretty fat.
*ROAR* I THINK NOT!
You know what 22.5 inches is??? That's a freaking skinny tummy, that's what it is!
You know what 22.5 inches is??? I was never a 22.5 inch person since 1999, when my sec 3 classmates and I discovered the Malay store in RV sells extremely yummy fried chicken every Tuesday and Friday and a mountain of sambal kangkong for $1.
My RV belt was fit to burst and had to be grudgingly loosened by two notches then. It never looked back. *nods savagely*
NOW, AFTER A PERIOD OF FIVE YEARS, I BUY A GIRDLE, AND I GET MY SKINNY FRAME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUAHAHHAHAHAHA Ok I know I am nowhere near "skinny" yet but still ... Stop raining on my fatless parade!
So anyway girls, the point is!!!! BUY A FREAKING GIRDLE (only $4!!!)! Screw Xtreme. Screw Biotherm. Screw Xando. SCREW TAY PING HUI (that's only for me, sorry)!
Now will you please excuse me? I have a brilliant idea. I shall dress myself up naked except for a pair of white-and-pink bunny ears and a black g-string with a fluffy tuft of bunny tail on it. Maybe add a silky bowtie. And then, I shall hop (not walk - more realistic) into a giant satin gold box and seal myself in. I'd ask Momo to help me tie a giant red ribbon around the box. And then I'd bounce myself to the post office, where I WILL MAIL MYSELF TO MEDIACORP AND GIVE TAY PING HUI THE SURPRISE OF HIS LIFE!
Tadah! Ping Hui, look at my 22.5 inch tummy! I give myself to you!!!! Please, take me! Dr Tiger wo ai ni!!!
We will then proceed to indulge in intellectual banter until he gives in to his increasingly dangerous carnal urges and has mind-blowing hot sex with me**, therefore fulfilling my lifetime goal at the tender age of 20. I'd then die a happy person. Maybe Ping Hui's lifetime goal is to market himself such that some random teeny girl's lifetime goal is to shag him. Then he will die happy too!
What do you think of my mailing idea?
WHAT? Did someone say "Jeremy"? Excuse me, but I think with 22.5 inches I can get Tay Ping Hui - or any other guy for that matter. When's Beckham coming here again you say?
**Provided he doesn't open the box a week later and I have died of hunger but still oozing sexiness - therefore successfully making me guilty of turning Tay Ping Hui into a necrophile.
p/s: I am JESTING. My lifetime goal is NOT really getting Tay Ping Hui to shag me. It is a JOKE.
Mensa test went quite well, thanks for asking! =) I thought I could answer everything, but whether or not the answers are correct is another thing lah. Ta! Love ya all.