Warning: Super long entry: 2,000+ words.

I was just wondering to myself the other day ...

Why, when visitors come to my house, they always address Mr. Cloudy (my dog) in English?

How would they know that Cloudy is an angmoh dog?

Yeah I know he is white and whatever, but why do people speak to dogs in English baby talk?

If you ask me, Cloudy is a tu sheng tu zhang de (homegrown) SINGAPORE DOG. Go on, speak to him in Singlish, he understands. For instance, when he stands on his hindlegs to look at us eating and scratching my beautiful leg in the process, my brother and I will shout at him,

"Oei, you siao ah?

And he will quietly and politely reside to some distance from dinner table where he will wag his tail benignly while utilising his puppy eyes to great power and hope we throw a piece of chicken bone to him.

Being the vindictive siblings my brothers and I are, we usually compete who can make Cloudy angrier - i.e. by eating our food with ridiculous relish and wafting the delicious smells towards his nose.

We did that till one day, Cloudy got angry and kicked my brother in the balls, so nowadays he is invited to the dinner table as a guest.

I was also wondering to myself, if I gave you a piece of Broccoli, would you speak to it in English? You possibly would, thinking the Broccoli is an angmoh veggie.

*scoff* You generalizing piece of shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, if I gave you a piece of Kai Lan, would you speak to it in Mandarin? You possibly would, just because the Kai lan has a Chinese name right? You think the Kai Lan cannot speak English.

Well I have a PIECE OF NEWS FOR YOU! The broccoli and the kai lan is the same plant!

"I speak English!" screams the indignant Kai Lan.

Have a look! The beady things in the middle is the prepubescent broccoli. There, another useless piece of information for you, courtesy of Xiaxue!


I discovered a few questions I don't like answering, but suay suay will get all the time:

"What hobbies do you have, Wendy?"

Have hobbies do I have? Many! Woodworking! Pruning bonsai! Embroidery! Keeping pen-pals!

Actually, none whatsoever. I do not acutely like anything at all; not enough to call anything a "hobby" or "interest". I.e I like shopping. But who doesn't like shopping? People who don't like shopping haven't been shopping at the right places. Everyone loves shopping. I also like blogging; and so do the rest of the world with an internet connection. What the? Why would people (and *gasp* even future bosses) ask such a silly question?

I think I might be a little weird in thinking this, but I find that the question of what hobbies I have is a slightly embarrassing one, akin to asking me whether I still wet my bed (answer is no by the way).

Maybe, I am missing out on life. Surely I am? I can imagine people, the same people who actively participate in school sports (the "super-on" people) without the least bit of embarrassment in acting so over-zealous, answer with relish that their hobbies includes all seasports from sea-shell collecting to nude beach volleyball (*yawn).

The same people who would enjoy roller coaster rides and possibly visit third world countries so that they can fully live the life that they "only live once".

The indignant athlete would possibly be frowning and asking me what a boring girl like moi find pleasurable in life.

Normal things lah! Boring, boring things. Like talking to my friends and cracking jokes that we can laugh about, watching movies, ktv-ing, mahjonging, solving puzzles (stuck at level 22, can someone please help??), reading, collecting stamps (kidding) etc.


I bungee-jumped once and it was horrible. I don't understand why people do it. I did it because I saw a bungee jumper on TV when I was nine, and I hao-lianed to my dad that I bet I can do it.

When I was 13, Dad and I passed a bungee jumping place in Batam and there was no escape. With a smirk, I was lifted up 15 stories on a damn crane. I was still smirking, until I realized that the thing separating me from the very far, and hard, ground below was a thin sheet of metal.

My knees buckled and I chickened out. I refused to jump. You may laugh, but it is not funny when you are up there.

I was about to tell the instructor that he can keep my $50, and thanks for the nice view and the trouble of tying me up and all, but I think I shall politely refuse. NO WAY! I AM 13 and A SAP SCHOOL STUDENT! My bright future ahead of me!

The instructor, oblivious to my very pale face, was telling me pleasantly, as if bungee jumping is a very pleasant normal daytrip to the zoo, how to jump. I was to do a free-fall, i.e spread my arms and go off with my head moving downwards first, in an arc. In other words, gracefully, like all the other jumpers do.

I looked down at my miniscule parents squinting up proudly at their young daughter. Mom armed with camera.

I told the instructor I didn't want to jump, and he nicely told me it is nothing to be scared of.

I insisted. He shouted, and threatened to push me off. At least that's what I remembered. Maybe he didn't do that.

But anyway, I finally closed my eyes. I COULDN'T, plain couldn't, do the freefall thingy, so I just held my breath and jumped, feet first.

It was HORRIBLE. I was screaming all the way down, "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm so gonna die, omg I am going to hell I am falling!!!" and then I bounced up again. My heart hit the ground below and never recovered.

As if it is not bad enough to fall down from 15 stories, my elastic rope was in a massive twist, because of the way I jumped.

The photos turned out with me in a series of twisted embarrassments. Bah. To add oil to the fire my stomach muscles were pulled, and I couldn't do sit-ups for a week.

Which also reminds me. I was in Australia with my parents, and after a long drive, we reached this place with simply breathtaking beautiful yellow sunflowers which filled up a humongous field that stretched to the horizon. The accompanying sky was velvet blue.

Now another thing I don't understand. The perfect picture in front of me looked like a postcard. And that's what its value is. A damn postcard. I don't understand what's so great about beautiful scenery. You cannot eat it. You cannot touch it. You cannot even feeeel it. It's just visuals. Surely if u blow up the postcard to the appropriate size you get as much satisfaction looking at it as looking at the real thing? If you ask me, I prefer getting an orgasm or eating great food; the tongue and skin are more powerful organs for me.

I was pretty overwhelmed by the vastness of the field, and acting like the 9-yr-old kid I was then, I gambolled into the field (complete with red mittens) and skipped around the golden field. Promptly after, I remembered I was car-sick, and puked into the damn sunflowers.

Not a pretty picture, sunflowers drenched in puke.

Also do not understand the thrill crazy people get from roller coasters. Very fun meh, to have your butt get lifted off the seat and your heart left behind? I hate it. Hongkong's Ocean Park has cameras installed at junctures of the ride, and they try to sell the photos to tourists.

The Ocean Park staff showed me a photo of me on the ride, and it contained a laughing Sheng Rong beside me, and other people actually having the time to do mad things like wink, raise their arms, knit, or fold complicated origami while posing for the photo. Unfortunately, I was clutching the side of the ride, nostrils flaring, eyes popping, and lips flapping unceremoniously.

I looked like I have just seen Hades himself. No amount of photoshop can save that classic picture.

The guy still tried to ask me to buy. I almost whacked him with a mace.

Whenever people ask me what my hobbies are in future, I'd answer, "Setting fire to random old people's clothes."

Which reminds me of the next question:

"Where do you usually hang out? "

Eh, Singapore? Hang where? I don't hang. Are there actually people with an answer for this? What, Cineleisure? East Coast? My gynae's?

My future answer for this question would be, "CDC."

"Why are you so short?"

How the fuck would I know? Freaking insensitive bastards. I curse you, may you parachute into the world's prickiest cactus!

Ok, this brings us back to the topic of Cloudy.


Another thing I don't understand what people are so crazy about.

Why are some people so crazy over all dogs? Mere animals. Brains hardly more impressive than the average retard. THEY ARE BUT DOGS! I can understand that some dogs are very cute and all, but not ALL dogs are right? Then why are some people so crazy over dogs?

Actors and actresses and especially mad over dogs. I don't understand them. Is it because it is very lonely to be acting, and therefore dogs are trusty pals? Is it because everyone in the media world are cunning and unscrupulous, therefore dogs are in contrast innocuous and nice?

Mad. Certain artiste, whom I shall not name, went mad over a dog and interestingly was all snobbish around the humans present.

Excuse me Miss/Mr Uppity, but what makes the dog more worthy to talk to you than the average human being? So you are an acting extraodinaire, in a different class from the peasants around you, but the same class as that dog (not even a poodle/chihuahua. A normal dog)? Makes sense.

Dogs are just animals. I don't see people going crazy over cockroaches, so why should they over dogs (cuteness is subjective)? URGH! Very angry. STOP IT YOU DISGUSTING FOOLS! Stop pretending to be a dog lover! You are just trying to act rich and kind I don't know what and I think I am rattling on uuuuuurgh. You know the kinda image of a typical dog lover? Benevolent and wealthy? I think people want to achieve that kinda image when they act like goddamn animal lovers.

[I accept that there are sincere dog-lovers, i.e. the King of Thailand with 100+ stray dogs in his palace, but I refuse to believe that ALL actors and actresses are genuine dog-lovers.]

I don't like it when people come to my place and act so friendly with Cloudy, just because he is a dog. I mean, c'mon. What makes you think Cloudy likes you? Cloudy is only friendly because he thinks you might have food for him!

When I told Wanyi about my opinion of people who pretend to be avid dog lovers, she said, "But you don't love Cloudy meh?"

Of course I do, but with reasons to. He is MY dog. I have no qualms about people loving their own pets, but why act like ALL dogs are supreme creatures of the world?

I don't think anyone will understand what I am ranting about, so let's move on.

Several announcements to make!! Clink clink clink!!

Very gleeful! Am on today's issue of Digital Life! Wish ST would stop using that series of fat photos I took for Newpaper so darn long ago though. I look horrific.

Can read more from the media center.

Also also! I shall now announce that I am a MAXIM columnist! Mrbrown! I am now a columnist too (albeit on man-magazine)! *Break down in grateful tears* Never knew blogging had so much good in it.

So do buy this month's Maxim! Yay!


Photos from 19th's outing with Media & Comm coursemates, as if this entry isn't long enough as it is.

Clara and I outside pasta place we ate at.

When my pasta arrived, I was shocked to realise that the ITALIAN pasta had CHINESE styled garnishing on it: Green spring onions and fried brown onion bits. Avid readers would know I hate all garnishings, and onions are definitely among top 5. While I shrieked, "WHY WOULD PEOPLE PUT CHINESE GARNISHES ON ITALIAN FOOD?!", Ivan, Clara's boyfriend, pointed to the "Contemporary" stated on the signboard.

My bad.

Meanwhile, more bad news. Slightly more significant than Chinese onions on pasta is Clara's leaving for Australia to study soon.

My heat wepts for poor Ivan, who has been accustomed to Clara's constant existance for almost 6 years (give and take - since sec 2 or something). Very saddening. I will miss you Clara!! WO AI NI!! QING NI YAO DUO BAO ZHONG!

That's Ben with my kickass sunglasses (Chinatown, $12). Doesn't he look like a star? Hmmm ... Possibly not. So anyway, NS is horrible. Ben, who was once aptly described as "flabby", has gone from 65kg or so to his current 23kg or something.

I miss his baby fats.

Look at how slim his ass is, as compared to mine!

I told him skinny asses makes him look faggoty. Anyway yes, you can sort of gauge my height from there. Ben is around 1.8 (with Nikes) I think.

Hmmm. Realised there seems to be glowing antenna on top of Ben's head.

Ben's ass with Clara's. Since Clara and I both wear size 25, Ben must be a size 23.

Clara and Ben
(The vain Ben with a different pair of shades this time.)

Clara, me and Tiff (I look like slut)

The girls: Eva, Tiff, me, and Clara.
Rachel is covered with a pink beveled giant exclamation mark because she requested for pic not to be shown in said site.

Group shot. Ivan hugging Clara, and guy beside Ivan is Eric!


One more thing!

It's true. I shall admit it. My link picture SUCKS. I look damn grouchy in it.

So, I did two more link pictures for you guys to choose from!

Copy the following:

<a href="http://xiaxue.blogspot.com" target="_new"><img src="http://xiaxue.chestertan.com/xiaxue/bitching.jpg"></a>


<a href="http://xiaxue.blogspot.com" target="_new"><img src="http://xiaxue.chestertan.com/xiaxue/bitching2.jpg"></a>


p/s: Yes I know Cloudy has tear-stains. ENOUGH ALREADY FROM YOU DUMBASS DOG LOVERS. Cloudy doesn't seem to mind the stains, so you shouldn't either. Shut up.


Alvin said…
Woa such a long blog... must have spent like decades to write. wah congrats wor best asian blog?! woa. bar this post not enough more more more!
sarah said…
Spring onion isn't exclusively a chinese garnish although I agree many chinese dishes use it.
In Aussie I often eat at a pasta place owned by Italians and they use spring onions in almost ALL of their pastas.
Though i must say fried brown onion IS weird..
Unknown said…
Congrats, girlfriend. I can now tell my wife I am buying Maxim for the articles. Heheh.
Anonymous said…
You know, after reading the part about you not wanting hobbies and the roller coaster thingy, I think you're morphing into Eddy Neo. Welcome to nerd-hood! MauahuHU :D!!

And goodness, now I have to spend $$ buying maxim.... You're be writing from which issue onwards?
monster said…
i think your new link pictures are nice. i'm not much of a link picture user myself though. haha, yeah and i saw you in the papers this morning too. it was a nice surprise. :)
kai li said…
hmm..first time posting a comment.
Prefered the first one. Pink matches EVERYTHING don't you think? And anyways, (no offence intended) it makes your face look slimmer.

But unfortunately, the red/pink hairband has already been done by the copycat girl right? Whats her name again..starts with A? Sorry, forgotten. :)
Come on..more options?
dagor said…
You ae a columnist in Maxim?! My, my!! I was leafing through Maxim this afternoon at CityLink! What is the name of your article/column?
Nicole said…
heyy.. congrats on bein a columnist fer Maxim. =)) been readin ur blog fer awhile.. rily interesting. Aniwaez.. yeahh.. weird havin fried onions and evrythang on italian food.
白髮魔男 said…
just a small note.
broccoli is 西兰花, kailan is 芥兰花...

nevertheless ur blog is extremely well-written and it has been a joy reading it. Congrats on ur latest award!
Gum said…
Gosh! MAXIM! Here I come!!!
now now.... who is the media whore? xiaxue aka wendy lor... see her face again.... now you be the judge...
jyh said…
is me just me or what?
Have you just made an typo?

"Actors and actresses and especially mad over dogs"

hmm? WIERD !!! :\
xiaxue sucks said…
wow, u do look like a slut!!!
no wait!!! u don't need to look like a slut....
you ARE a slut!!
Jayaxe said…
Code for last stage for the lasergame: FIREWIRE.
Ediris said…
Actually, with reference to your statement on people not going crazy over cockroaches the way they do about dogs... well, they are people who keep coakroaches as pets. (No, not the small nasty kind ... these are the LARGE cute kind, the size of your palm like this: http://www.easyinsects.co.uk/cockroaches/images/hissing-roach-03.jpg)

Check out:

How to care for Giant Cockroaches

How to care for Madagascan Hissing Cockroaches
Xiaxue said…
Gosh Manofclay. I was eating Haagen Daz and u made it tase like carpet with ur pic of a freaking cockroach. Damn gross.
Ediris said…
But...but...but they are really cute. :D
Daniel said…
So you're only gonna write for Maxim, and nothing else??? :p

leapfrog said…
But dogs are better than humans!

In my opinion of course. I told chuah gilbert if my dog and him fall into the sea I will jump in and save her.

They love you unconditionally, they are happy when you are happy. You mean the world to them. tts for ur own pet.

Happy dogs along the street. They wag their tail at you to tell you theyre happy to see you. You! a total stranger! and they spend energy shaking that tail of theirs in sheer anticipation for a pat, a hello, and squeal of delight. your kind words make them deliriously happy. when you walk away they bark at you asking you not to leave.

hey u have a dog, you should be able to understand their antics.

And above all, they do not bear grudges like petty humans do. neither do they plot and scheme and come up with sinister plans to bring others down. They do not weakly hurl lame insults because they have nothing better to do with their lives like "XiaxueSucks". They remember you when you visit them again even if your last visit was months ago. And doing so little for them makes them so happy.

Whats there not to love?

And on the act rich syndrome, i think some pple do try to live under that illusion BUT they normally go for pure breds and their nose is stuck so high up in the air when they walk their dogs they probably step on their dogs poo all e time. That should be humbling. Lots of people now own mixed low-class breeds, but heres the good part. Mixes love longer than purebreds! beat that!

P.S. Totally unrelated but i must take the oppurtunity to boast. MY DOG CAN CLIMB TREES.
leapfrog said…
oops that comment was far longer than it was intended to be. It just tt I feel animals aren't given enough respect in this society. Who can say for sure that humans are superior to animals anyway? Just going by intellect? After all the earth does not belong to us and us alone, we share it we the fishies, dogs, dragons etc. but who happily took charge of it? humans. disgusting creatures they are.

oops, I am one too I realise. My point is,some people do put animals above other races, namely human. and if they do by all means go ahead. We see the world a different way from non animal/dog lovers. I think we're better off. others may of course think otherwise. I'm happy when I see a happy dog, someone else may be happy seeing a street empty of dogs. bah, their loss.

Anyway pls help me say hi to cloudy. Merry xmas!
Xiaxue said…

Dogs are not petty? Rubbish. Has this silly Pomenarian (spelling?) once and I was being nice and cut her freaking nails for her.

She moved about and I accidentally cut A LITTLE into the flesh, no blood and all.

She yapped around in horror, barked into my face rudely, and hopped around on 3 legs. Like a true Mediacorp actress.

Considering how bimbo she looks, her hopping around on 3 legs was quite funny. I think I might have laughed, although horribly guilty. (Bet my manicurist didn't even feel so bad when she dug into my cuticle too deep)

Subsequently, the horrible dog refused to acknowledge my presence, and was, indeed, acting very warmly towards the other family members (I believe for the benefit of my seeing). When I wanted to pat her, she'd move away in a huff. This atrocious behaviour went on for 3 days.

HORRIBLE DOG. My uncle's. Boy am I glad when she left.

My point is, different dogs have different temperaments. Cloudy didn't get angry when I accidentally stepped on his paw. Not all are so nice.

And the last I remember, the guard dogs at Old Changi Hospital weren't too happy to see me.

Also, whilst dogs cannot plot and scheme, neither can they go the other extreme and buy you LV bags or give you an orgasm (unless u are really sick omg).

Therefore, my argument is that not ALL dogs are worth loving. They are mere animals. I have nothing against them; merely indifference.
leapfrog said…
Ah and we are mere humans.

oh and on sickos, it came out in one men's mag (maxim maybe) abt this sick bastard who rubbed raw meat over his erm.. family jewels so tt his dog will lick it. it got chewed up of course.

Anyway ive hogged too much space on YOUR blog. And yes I agree with your argument, tho i wld love them all e same.

P/S. wat r u doing up at 3 plus in e morning checking ur blog?!
j3ff said…
hmm... stuck on lvl 11, how to solve it!!!!!
::fate:: said…
why do you want to generalise those pple who really love all dogs as fake?stereotyping.bah.
zorka said…
i don't believe kai lan is the same species as real broccoli. i really don't. They are from the same family but are slightly different. Sort of like brinjal and aubergine. Brinjals are long, aubergines are short and fat but they taste the same. And speaking of taste, kailan doesn't taste like broccoli.
WalkingBee said…
Well, kai lan do belong to the same family of broccoli.
matthew said…
wow! the puzzles are hard! i'm still stuck at level 4, and after lucking out of level 3 i can't even solve it a second time. gee! and no i'm not a geek

first day of school today! ri is less geekier than it seems. they are SO rich too! gave everyone a huge orientation pack. and everyone, including the teachers, are sorta nice!
Anonymous said…
Ammm sorry to pop ur bubble, kai lan is not broccoli but they are related ^__^

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