Monday, May 16, 2005

Hello, erm, people.

This is taking me some courage to say, well, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry because... my mom found the camera. It was entangled, apparently, in between the pile of unfolded clothes.

Honestly, I don't see why there are so many nasty comments in the previous entry, though I believe people who leave such comments don't usually really feel that deep a hatred for the subject they abuse.

These people are just writing because maybe they are losers, or jealous, or maybe they just have really small penises or really huge, ulcured flans.

Now some of you might be raising your eyebrows at this point and thinking, hey Wendy, isn't flan a French dessert of a tasty, custard nature?

Yes Ms/Mr Quick-Thinking, it is!

But at the same time, didn't you notice something amazing? The word "flan" - is remarkably sexual-sounding, isn't it? Read it out loud after me:

"Can I lick your flan?"


"Such a smooth, juicy flan you have there..."


"If you say that one more time you naughty thing, I am gonna smack your flan so hard, it would wobble in fright!"



HOR HOR HOR?! Really sound very sexual right! From now on, to be a more cultured individual, I shall put the word flan into my vulgarities because French vulgarities are less vulgar than Singaporean ones. In case you are still an indignant French exclaiming that "flan" is a national dish and not a vulgar word, may I gently correct you?

As you have seen from the examples given above, I think we have established that "flan" is indeed as sexual as a word can get. Even the simplest "I love eating flan" ... is sexual.

Before I digressed. I shall now use the famous dessert/sexual word as a replacement of my vulgarities. Ie, I shall say, FLAN YOU! from now on. When I want to say a man is a soft faggot, I go like, You flaccid flanner!

Where was I before flan?!

Oh yeah, insulting my spammers, which gives me quite a lot of pleasure. Of course, many things give me pleasure as well, and I would put insulting my spammers in between "a fairly good pedicure" and "killing a pair of madly romping cockroaches".

Usually, the anonymous people who leave insulting comments are hoping against hope that by agitating others, these others would be miserable and lead a life like theirs.

Of course, if they do it sufficiently and rapidly enough, the whole world would became miserable, and with no happy people to lift the Joy-benchmark these miserable people who be average-happiness people again!

But hey, it is impossible, because as they are usually very ugly, people tend to ignore them and start to do other unpleasant, but yet less unpleasant, things instead, such as picking their dog's fleas.

Other spammers has small wieners. Of course, speaking of indignant men with small penises, THEY SUCK (exception of those who are nice to me)! STOP EMAILING ME TELLING ME IT IS SKILL/DURATION WHICH MATTERS AND NOT SIZE! FLANNING MEN KEEP MAILING ME TELLING ME TO TEST THEIR FINGERS/TONGUES NO I WOULDN'T! My criteria for men is simple: One or more of the below

1) The Extremely Smart
2) The Extremely Good-looking
3) The Extremely Funny
4) The Extremely Rich (and arrogant to go with it. Wooh!)

I am not saying I deserve such men. I am just saying these men ATTRACT me. If you are not one or more of the four above, go away and weep darling.

Again, once and for ALL, SIZE MATTERS. There is NO NEED TO ARGUE. So what if skill and duration matters? It does. BUT - What makes you think big-dong man doesn't have skill or duration? It is not mutually exclusive ok, and however you calculate it, you are still a loser.
Even if big-dong man doesnt have skill or duration, he can learn to cultivate skill in time to come (he'd get some practice alright), and maybe duration can be trained. Size? Penis-enlargement pills? Shivel you up then you know!

Anyway, even if duration/skill is more important (and ie size is not important - and let's PRESUME that all long-membered males are lacking in skill and duration), WOULD YOU LIKE A PIN POKING YOU FOR A PROLONGED PERIOD OF TIME, IN A SKILLFUL MANNER?

Note: I am not even talking about oral sex or foreplay here. Just plain, normal sex. And once again, Big-dong Man can be taught fingers - your tiny penis cannot engorge itself.

*roll eyes*

So before I digressed yet again, these spammers sometimes have small wieners. They start to wonder why the world is so unfair! They don't need a third little finger! This is where they all start to go mad. They seek out forums like hardwarezone or sammyboy, to find like-minded individuals with weeny wieners.

To their surprise, it is like one big small-penised family in there, and they make friends in no time, like MLM salesmen. They post pictures of the pretty girls they will never get to flan, and sometimes criticise the girls as if the girls 1) are free enough to take a break from humping droolsome male models to care and 2) are within reach and are actually not good enough for them! When they laugh their tiny members quiver as they are not big enough to oscillate.

Tsk. But do the females they insult care? Oh dear, of course not. Because these guys are LOSERS and we all laugh at them. =)

And then we reach jealousy. I shall get a bit more serious here.

Turodrique once told me, that although I don't believe in the bible, it was said, a prophet can never be accepted in his own town. He laughed and said that, dammit, that stupid boy live next door, and go to the mamashop together and play marbles, then suddenly he grow up to be God's son? Siao then will believe him right?

So yup. (The analogy does not in any case mean I think I am as good as a prophet - it is an analogy.)

And thus the bitter feelings towards me. I am just this normal, normal girl. If you ask me, I don't know what is so special about my weblog as well, except I like my writing because it is my writing what, of course it is an ease to read since I understand myself best.

There is no use telling me you don't think I deserve to be the most popular or best Asian blogger - because I didn't crown myself. My readers did.

But people who do not concur feel it is absurd that such a common weblog, maybe even deemed (by themselves) inferior to their own, can make it so big. Columnist, commercial deals, a dozen press clippings. Why?

WHO IS THIS GIRL? It is but this nose-digging, short, typical, non-celebrity Singaporean girl, and I cannot accept that she becomes famous!

So they throw insults and try to get me down - back to where they think I belong: the cookie cutter crowd where everyone is common.

But I wouldn't, because I am not. Nothing from you stupid spammers can get me down. I have my family, and wonderful friends who'd do anything for me, and you people are just virtual beings with electronic opinions. Who are you to advise me on what to do, and why should I listen? You don't even have a big dick. =)

I can ask for a camera if I want to, even though I was joking. I don't find it shameless, because my readers do want to view photos.

I know that there are readers who are willing to give back to me, and not just take and take all the time, like the selfish bastards so many others are.

I know that I have readers that go back as far as two years ago who have always been quietly supporting me, and they would pay $16.90 for a bestseller - and definitely $1 to their old-time blogger who have been writing (though also for my own) for them for 24 long months in a 500-entried weblog.

$1 is nothing, but yet that $1 would play an essential part in filling up this weblog with lively colours once more.

Once again, thank you my readers for defending me. I appreciate it a lot, but don't bother with the stupids, for it is wiser to just laugh at them. BAH them!

And to the people who have actually offered me a camera (MADNESS!) for free or have actually searched for my account number and transfered money to me, a big thank you.

Thank you for believing in me, despite all my foul-mouth-ness and my short, unreasonable tempers which showed up in my mean blogs. Thank you for being sensible enough not to judge a blogger merely by her entries, and thank you for not immediately thinking I am a slut when I talk about sex.

I will transfer the money back to donors, and once again, a big thank you and I really, really appreciate it. Oh, you cheeky flans you.