Hello, erm, people.

This is taking me some courage to say, well, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry because... my mom found the camera. It was entangled, apparently, in between the pile of unfolded clothes.

Honestly, I don't see why there are so many nasty comments in the previous entry, though I believe people who leave such comments don't usually really feel that deep a hatred for the subject they abuse.

These people are just writing because maybe they are losers, or jealous, or maybe they just have really small penises or really huge, ulcured flans.

Now some of you might be raising your eyebrows at this point and thinking, hey Wendy, isn't flan a French dessert of a tasty, custard nature?

Yes Ms/Mr Quick-Thinking, it is!

But at the same time, didn't you notice something amazing? The word "flan" - is remarkably sexual-sounding, isn't it? Read it out loud after me:

"Can I lick your flan?"

OR

"Such a smooth, juicy flan you have there..."

OR

"If you say that one more time you naughty thing, I am gonna smack your flan so hard, it would wobble in fright!"

OR

"KanninabuchaoFLAN!"



HOR HOR HOR?! Really sound very sexual right! From now on, to be a more cultured individual, I shall put the word flan into my vulgarities because French vulgarities are less vulgar than Singaporean ones. In case you are still an indignant French exclaiming that "flan" is a national dish and not a vulgar word, may I gently correct you?

As you have seen from the examples given above, I think we have established that "flan" is indeed as sexual as a word can get. Even the simplest "I love eating flan" ... is sexual.

Before I digressed. I shall now use the famous dessert/sexual word as a replacement of my vulgarities. Ie, I shall say, FLAN YOU! from now on. When I want to say a man is a soft faggot, I go like, You flaccid flanner!

Where was I before flan?!

Oh yeah, insulting my spammers, which gives me quite a lot of pleasure. Of course, many things give me pleasure as well, and I would put insulting my spammers in between "a fairly good pedicure" and "killing a pair of madly romping cockroaches".

Usually, the anonymous people who leave insulting comments are hoping against hope that by agitating others, these others would be miserable and lead a life like theirs.

Of course, if they do it sufficiently and rapidly enough, the whole world would became miserable, and with no happy people to lift the Joy-benchmark these miserable people who be average-happiness people again!

But hey, it is impossible, because as they are usually very ugly, people tend to ignore them and start to do other unpleasant, but yet less unpleasant, things instead, such as picking their dog's fleas.

Other spammers has small wieners. Of course, speaking of indignant men with small penises, THEY SUCK (exception of those who are nice to me)! STOP EMAILING ME TELLING ME IT IS SKILL/DURATION WHICH MATTERS AND NOT SIZE! FLANNING MEN KEEP MAILING ME TELLING ME TO TEST THEIR FINGERS/TONGUES NO I WOULDN'T! My criteria for men is simple: One or more of the below

1) The Extremely Smart
2) The Extremely Good-looking
3) The Extremely Funny
4) The Extremely Rich (and arrogant to go with it. Wooh!)

I am not saying I deserve such men. I am just saying these men ATTRACT me. If you are not one or more of the four above, go away and weep darling.

Again, once and for ALL, SIZE MATTERS. There is NO NEED TO ARGUE. So what if skill and duration matters? It does. BUT - What makes you think big-dong man doesn't have skill or duration? It is not mutually exclusive ok, and however you calculate it, you are still a loser.
Even if big-dong man doesnt have skill or duration, he can learn to cultivate skill in time to come (he'd get some practice alright), and maybe duration can be trained. Size? Penis-enlargement pills? Shivel you up then you know!

Anyway, even if duration/skill is more important (and ie size is not important - and let's PRESUME that all long-membered males are lacking in skill and duration), WOULD YOU LIKE A PIN POKING YOU FOR A PROLONGED PERIOD OF TIME, IN A SKILLFUL MANNER?

Note: I am not even talking about oral sex or foreplay here. Just plain, normal sex. And once again, Big-dong Man can be taught fingers - your tiny penis cannot engorge itself.

*roll eyes*

So before I digressed yet again, these spammers sometimes have small wieners. They start to wonder why the world is so unfair! They don't need a third little finger! This is where they all start to go mad. They seek out forums like hardwarezone or sammyboy, to find like-minded individuals with weeny wieners.

To their surprise, it is like one big small-penised family in there, and they make friends in no time, like MLM salesmen. They post pictures of the pretty girls they will never get to flan, and sometimes criticise the girls as if the girls 1) are free enough to take a break from humping droolsome male models to care and 2) are within reach and are actually not good enough for them! When they laugh their tiny members quiver as they are not big enough to oscillate.

Tsk. But do the females they insult care? Oh dear, of course not. Because these guys are LOSERS and we all laugh at them. =)

And then we reach jealousy. I shall get a bit more serious here.

Turodrique once told me, that although I don't believe in the bible, it was said, a prophet can never be accepted in his own town. He laughed and said that, dammit, that stupid boy live next door, and go to the mamashop together and play marbles, then suddenly he grow up to be God's son? Siao then will believe him right?

So yup. (The analogy does not in any case mean I think I am as good as a prophet - it is an analogy.)

And thus the bitter feelings towards me. I am just this normal, normal girl. If you ask me, I don't know what is so special about my weblog as well, except I like my writing because it is my writing what, of course it is an ease to read since I understand myself best.

There is no use telling me you don't think I deserve to be the most popular or best Asian blogger - because I didn't crown myself. My readers did.

But people who do not concur feel it is absurd that such a common weblog, maybe even deemed (by themselves) inferior to their own, can make it so big. Columnist, commercial deals, a dozen press clippings. Why?

WHO IS THIS GIRL? It is but this nose-digging, short, typical, non-celebrity Singaporean girl, and I cannot accept that she becomes famous!

So they throw insults and try to get me down - back to where they think I belong: the cookie cutter crowd where everyone is common.

But I wouldn't, because I am not. Nothing from you stupid spammers can get me down. I have my family, and wonderful friends who'd do anything for me, and you people are just virtual beings with electronic opinions. Who are you to advise me on what to do, and why should I listen? You don't even have a big dick. =)

I can ask for a camera if I want to, even though I was joking. I don't find it shameless, because my readers do want to view photos.

I know that there are readers who are willing to give back to me, and not just take and take all the time, like the selfish bastards so many others are.

I know that I have readers that go back as far as two years ago who have always been quietly supporting me, and they would pay $16.90 for a bestseller - and definitely $1 to their old-time blogger who have been writing (though also for my own) for them for 24 long months in a 500-entried weblog.

$1 is nothing, but yet that $1 would play an essential part in filling up this weblog with lively colours once more.

Once again, thank you my readers for defending me. I appreciate it a lot, but don't bother with the stupids, for it is wiser to just laugh at them. BAH them!

And to the people who have actually offered me a camera (MADNESS!) for free or have actually searched for my account number and transfered money to me, a big thank you.

Thank you for believing in me, despite all my foul-mouth-ness and my short, unreasonable tempers which showed up in my mean blogs. Thank you for being sensible enough not to judge a blogger merely by her entries, and thank you for not immediately thinking I am a slut when I talk about sex.

I will transfer the money back to donors, and once again, a big thank you and I really, really appreciate it. Oh, you cheeky flans you.

:')

Comments

Marla S said…
You lucky flan, you're so loved!

But there's certainly a giver in you, especially when comes to friends, and that's why you are so adored. :)
JaG said…
You tell them Wendy!
MightyBV said…
Hello...

I am leaving this comment because I have really small penises.
Steven Vu said…
Silly girl, the word you're looking for is flange.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Flange

Don't listen to those nasty people, lots of other people want to give you money instead.
J Schnorng said…
Hurrah for finding cameras. I wish I could find all the shit that I lose, but then that's obviously asking for the impossible, hor?
Sweet_Mocca said…
Haha.. I guess 'flan' will soon be a common vulgarity amongst the vulgar speakers.
Khristopher said…
Dear Xia Xue , do u know that u have an suspended friendster account ? Can quickly create one more ? u juz rocks my world man !
Sammi said…
haha luckky you could find your camera again. if only i could find all the stuff i lost. btw u came up in the new paper yesterday haha ur pic was there too
spatick said…
I don't flan u oreadi...
Koon Hui said…
Flan is a monster in Final Fantasy... Lol.!!!
Sammy Samson said…
haha, congratulations for finding the camera, and good job for shoving the 'flan' into their mouths...
Darthsid said…
Haha..
One of the attractions of this blog is because it's in pink!
That's what attracts me here anyway.
It's a pink blog!

And I'm a 'happy' person! Yay!
(note: I'm not)



---------------------------------

I have a small penis,
but hey, I still can hope that I'm
still prepubescent right?
Dickson said…
Yay!~ Kudos to the camera being found!~ Now we have pictures to see. :)

I learnt a new word today also. Flan. Really sounds nice and 'civilised'... Shall try to replace KNN/CCB etc with this.. LOL!~
Rakyat said…
What the heck is oval sex? Not quite circular sex?
Woddee said…
good for you in finding your camera (^o^)!! dun bother listening to those nasty comments by those pple. they are just plain jealous because they are not like we bloggers who dare to speak up!

you go girl!!

P.S: i have always admired your attitude and personality! people did the same thing to me and my blog and i found inspiration and motivation from you to go kick their asses and stuff! thank you!! i really like to see more of your daring posts!!!
Woddee said…
oh! one more thing i forgot to add: you are really pretty! even if it is without your photoshop or makeup, i still find you pretty!

as usual, pple who said those nasty things about you are just so jealous ^o^
Excuse me while i go puke...
Anonymous said…
hmmm. maybe it sounds sexual 'cos it's just lan with an 'f'.
Ris said…
I hate people who think our fetish for pink is nothing but a bimbo act...

I'm with u... but i sorta feel sad for you that your blog is no longer a personal place for you to blog your personal stuffs... a simple complaint provoked so much controversy.. worst.. when people post such nasty comments to you. Well...
Anonymous said…
xiaxue, u rock girl! keep up the great work. pink rulez!!
Anonymous said…
oh btw, i really love ur blog and ur photoshop skills. i think ur hair color in ur birthday pics are very nice. what's the name of the color and where did u get it done?
Togap Siagian said…
hhehe.. read your blog.. and laughed all they way through.. hehe.. funny..
Me said…
yay! thats very heng... =D
Lowzeewee said…
Now I know why there's a local pub called 'Father Flanagan's Irish Bar'.

Flan-agan. Hmm. Interesting.
~Mav'RiCk~ said…
"MightyBV said...
Hello...

I am leaving this comment because I have really small penises."


Haha, really? "penises" as in plural? wow. Hehs.

Anyway, congrats on finding ur camera. Nw u dun hav to go spend money on a new one.
chris.sam said…
Hey, "flan" sounds sexual cos it rhymes with the word "glans".

In fact, you call the tip of the penis the "glans penis" and the tip of the clitoris the "glans clitoridis".

Cool huh?
reenz said…
hey xiaxue!

im ur new fan..haha..and i feel like i cud relate to u alot..

yayness for finding ur camera..and those creeps who insult you are soo not worth anyone's time..
garcaai said…
lol those people just have no life man! write some more interesting classics xiaxue instead of ranting off! with your blog all pink, you make me feel like pink is the prettiest color once again
some disaster said…
OMG.. xiaxue..i think u are great loh...jus dun care tose fugging ppl lah..they jealous mahh..
Lxr said…
hihi. this is the first time i leave a comment:)

i had been reading ur blog n admired ur great writing skills. a great blogger indeed. don't bother about those nasty comments. those people can just get lose n freak off, it's ur blog anyway:D

lucky for yoo to found back ur cam. glad for yoo:]
JS`star said…
i'll smack myself if i were you. all that frenzy for nothing! ha..

but it's good you found your camera, go on a snapping spree wont you. =]

p.s: you sorta look greek-ish with the highlights and all.
paradox- said…
ohh my. i'll never look at flan/flange/or any other dessert the same way again. good thing you found your camera, reading your entries with the pictures make it easier for us readers to picture the situation.

bottomline is, you are great. ((:
fatal.touch said…
hoho...nice one..n bdae pics are real pretty! tink i saw ur fren eileen tt dae..n she's realli pretty,juz like u said.. =) u're pretty too! (pretty pple get together?)

n to u byotches out there, posting such nonsense juz becos u're jealous.. flan off! erm or issit flange?

cheerios wendy.. =)
Soli Loquy said…
haha omg this is soooo IN YOUR FACE okay!! i'll add this to my list of reasons why you are my blog idol.

oh n yes thanks for d bit of advice. i do actually get high blood pressure reading nonsense from mindless drones. now i know it's not worth it. BAH to them all! oh no no... should be FLAN hahahaha!!
xiaxue_sux said…
ur blog is no longer a personal space. rem? u were so happi of the popularity ur blog is givin u. so stop dreamin. personal space is smth where it concerns onli urself.

also. don act poor thing. scold ppl in blog. arent u a loser also? wads ur difference between u n others?

finalli. those guyz who say they haf small penis but still wants to stand a chance. all they realli wan is to shack u. think again.
lalalabom said…
I KNEW IT!! xiaxue_sux is you right?!?!
You purposely sign up another account to scold yourself so that you can write that long, long entry to spit insults and vulgarities, yet at the same time get everyone's encouragements and compliments!
YOU CHEATERBUG!!
I bet OrangeArrow, tortoise, passivised, etc is all you.

I don't like the word 'flan'.
Brad said…
I'm glad you found your camera
bUttsH4k3r said…
fuck's sake. im gone for just a weekend and so much commotion ah you stir?

aiyah. i miss all the good stuff all the time. fuck's sake.
Holden said…
Hey
that was one of your best posts ever! Really funny!!

And hey, I meet three of your four criteria! ;-)
The Cherry Tree said…
I think that OrangArrow who posted a comment on your previous entry...is bloody anal retentive. And maybe he / she is the one with p.m.s. I do not understand why someone losing a camera & airing her sadness over it has to be considered immature. Have some sympathy, have some value for possessions. Sigh. Just have a brain.
Ron said…
I just love this girl! :-)
viv said…
wow that's gd advertising for Sony, esp if it went through the washing machine and still works.
Miff said…
A little present for Xiaxue lovers! Click ON the images DISPLAYED ON THIS PAGE get a screen-sized scan of each page of the Xiaxue interview from the May 8 ZaoBao!
Wouter said…
Hey, if bad comments don't hurt you, then why defending yourself? If those commenters are like you describe them, they won't mind anyway and keep on going with their bad comments. For the others who do like you(r weblog), defending yourself isn't neccesary too.

Size matters? http://xiaxue.blogspot.com/2003/07/what-is-it-about-height-anyway-i-dun.html

Hehe i know, i'm extremely funny :)
LH said…
So, regarding size does matter:
Just wondering, what size matters? I mean, if it is too small, then that is bad, but I also think that if it is too big, then that also is bad.

I'm curious, what is your favorite size?? I'm really curious!!!
Ok, sorry to correct you on one thing... "Flan the popular Spanish version of Creme Caramel" Creme Brulée is more the french version (Actually Creme Brulée is much better since it is burnt on the top...) Flan is more soggy and could be slimy if done wrong. It is very popular in Mexico...

Just a minor correction from the other side of the ocean.. you are stating "Spanish vulgarities" not french sounding ones...

:)
Also for some reason the font is not working correctly above.. it is creme brulee with an accent over the first e.... darn font did not like my post :)
Kerrin said…
seriously its reallt nice to know pple act gave yu money la. :) and that you actually on top of defending yourself, remember to thank pple who gave comforting comments. and your post are so long im so happy. lol :)
"I love eating flan"..Sorry ah XX, sounds like "I love eating phlegm" to me.
Yin said…
yea!!! you found ur cam!!!! congrats!!! more pics to c now!!!! no nid to fret abt money to buy a new one.... ignore those flanning pple... they r juz simply crazy n jealous of you.. pple r gladly giving u $ to buy a new cam while they don hav.. they r juz jealous!
sensualglitter said…
omg! this blog is utterly humourous,ur tell-offs are freakin hilarious..i laughed thru the entire slamming-of-minute-penises segment.to top it all off..it's pretty in pink!just started blogging myself last wk and this is freakin hell loads of inspiration..HOLLER!
sensualglitter said…
omg! this blog is utterly humourous,ur tell-offs are freakin hilarious..i laughed thru the entire slamming-of-minute-penises segment.to top it all off..it's pretty in pink!just started blogging myself last wk and this is freakin hell loads of inspiration..HOLLER!
Lemonfridge said…
Amazing how u can link those negative comment with small wien. Funny~

oh and I remember doing some dessert during sec sch, name Canadian Flan.
fanflo said…
I wholeheartedly agree. Those losers at the HWZ EDMW forum have too small a dick to be considered a dick. Please excuse their intense jealousy and envy for your good looks for their lack of it cause them to indulge in a spiraling cycle of self-defecation.

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