Tuesday, July 5, 2005

Discriminating I mean, Incriminating shots (Damn paiseh to have title spelt wrong, thanks for the note!)

That day, at Ivan's birthday chalet, where his friends...

really rubbed toothpaste, deep heat and etc rubbish on his genitals (I was very traumatized at Daryl's lack of taste by touching Ivan's balls), June, her boyfriend Benjamin (Kee, not Loy) and I were playing this game.

It is not so much so of a proper game, we were just supposed to continue, in turn, to come up with something for whatever category we were talking about.

At first we were damn mean; we were talking about C-list celebrities then all the Caroline Chong, Evelyn Tan, Melody Chen all came out.

Benjamin played cheat. He just listed all of Under One Roof's actors... And to think when he said Vernetta Lopez I was so impressed! Then he went on with Koh Chiang Mun, and even the Malay friend of Moses Lim. Pui! I look you no up!

June said I am D-list, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Then we went on celebrities with no boobs... Sammi Cheng, Stephanie Sun, Nicole Ritchie... And then to celebrities with C cup and above... Pamela Anderson, Angelina Jolie, newly endowed Jolin Tsai... a lot of them... And then Benjamin said Lydia Sum! He is damn disgusting!

And then to places where you can put your pi sai (booger). June very disgusting, she said the handlebar of the bus or something, maybe the lift door. Please remind me never to take a bus or lift with her again. *gives June a disgusted look*

The most fun had to be a list of all the old-school things. There are so many!

Hopscotch, five stones, Zero Point
Mama shop ice tubes (for 10c each!)
The colour pencils that we break the lead off to mix with colour to make "love potions"
Seaweed for 10c in school
Pepsi cola one two three
Catching drain fish
Collecting bus tickets to fold into hearts (I had 1,800 of those I gave to some ex)
Catching grasshoppers and breaking off their jumping legs so they can't hop away (my class' boys are damn cruel)
The crayon tube that is formed by many small crayons stacked on each other
Singlets as underwear for girls

and a lot more!

We were playing happily, then Benjamin very gross, he said, "Anyhow urine."

What a naughty boy he was! Did little boys urinate everywhere? I didn't know that! He also said block shopping (stealing people's shoes!), and stealing people's pencil box. So bad right?!

Erm, I remember not too long ago Peiying and I (with some other people but Peiying just has this tendency to hide people's footwear so I cannot remember who else) went to outside this foreign workers' unit at my block.

They had at least 40 pairs of shoes all lined up outside their door.

We took the shoes and formed footprints, leading up four storeys or so. -Shrugs- We thought it was very funny how the people in the house would react! Quite mean hor, come to think of it. But very funny!

So anyway, after I said collecting saga seeds, Benjamin said "Kick the pong pong fruit."

June and I kept laughing and laughing, he is damn funny lah! I mean, the stupid pong pong fruit is there, lying on the grass peacefully, you go and kick it for what?! Hahaha...

So anyway, since we are at the topic of OLD-SCHOOL, I have decided to take out some embarrassing old photos of mine to share with the world.

Yes yes, most of them are very ugly. But you know what? Nobody can laugh AT you when you are laughing at yourself. At most, they laugh WITH you, see?

Let's start... From 1984:

A picture of me disturbing Momo when she is sleeping! Don't you think Momo looks damn cute here? Wahahha... Look at her hair! Damn old-school, it is small curls!

(In case you are wondering why I call my mom Momo, it is because of that darned children's show MaMeMo, so I started calling her Mamemo (she hates it), then slowly it metamorphosized to just Momo, and sometimes Molly. I call my brother Smelly and he calls me Stinky, but now it is just Smell for short.)


Smelly, before he got irritating and started to not do his homework and play soccer downstairs. DAMN CUTE RIGHT?? SO FAT AIYOH. He'd always do that puckering thing to his mouth last time... Damn, I forgot he was so cute. I want to kiss him now but 1) he is sleeping and 2) don't want lah, got pimples already.

In case some of you are wondering, I AM born without double eyelids. I had the triple lining sort, which makes your eyes look droopy. They (double eyelids) suddenly developed after I graduated from Secondary school, when I put make-up on almost daily.

The double eyelids would miraculously appear whenever I put mascara and crimp my lashes. They would then disappear when I wash off the make-up. I would then use desperate measures, like putting eyelid tape (works), or putting glue (yes real glue), to form that sacred line.

After around 1 year, the line became more or less a staple, but disappears whenever I cry.

Now, it is here to stay! Forever! Yay!

Which explains why my old photos all look so fugly - I had super small eyes. And also because I look horrible in short hair and my pimples were DAMN BAD.


1996... I was in primary six! Xingnan Primary School, that is. Together with Xiao feng and Peiying, still close friends today.

This day, the something of December 1996 (as you can see), must be one of the proudest days of Momo's life. There she is, happily snapping away, for she and I were invited to this ceremony.
No normal ceremony, mind you. It was prize-giving for the nation's top 5% for PSLE!! We all got some monetary award.

Look at that elite boy beside me! Doesn't he look like he is brilliant? Likely, he is a doctor now or... erm, maybe a successful blogger. (If you know him tell me what he is doing now!)

Too bad I totally forgot to sit for the GEP test. Damn!

1998 (secondary 2):

Slowly but surely, I developed into a chao lian.

I know, that photo is gross. So? Cannot issit? Who doesn't have a past? Mine was of pointed combs and platform shoes.

I remember when I was taking this series of photos (photographer was my maid then), my motive was as such:

I took a studio shot of myself then, paid a good $30 to do it. It was so fugly, that I got quite mad.

They fucking put PURPLE lipstick on me! They asked if I wanted to purchase fake lashes then, and I of course said no, it cost $12 ok! So well, they slapped blue eyeshadow on me, and didn't even put mascara!

Lousy pokes! Orh-bi they are closed down now.

So yup, in the next photo I would imitate the pose I had for that awful studio shot (cannot find the studio shot or I will show you).

Tadah! Chio not?

And guess what was under that marble table?

Very disgusting indeed.

Maybe some of your retired lians are thinking... Not really very lian what... Only one Fendi hairband...




SWEET MARY MOTHER OF JESUS! Da lian of da century ok! My belt (Eileen's actually) is Sonia Rykiel ok! (The younger of you will have no idea what Sonia Rykiel is, but then it was a hot lian-must-have then.)

This photo was taken during Talentime '98, in River Valley.

Eileen, Xiuling (who was from Swiss Cottage Secondary School) and I went together.

I recall quarrelling with Mrs Look, our dumpy discipline mistress, because I technically didn't break any rules, and she didn't allow me in.

It was stated that students were not allowed to have: 1) Hot pants (thanks to stupid Fann Wong wearing the lime green ones to Star Awards) 2) Short skirts 3) Spag straps.

My trenchcoat obeyed the rules like the well-behaved piece of garment it is. Lookie insisted that my skirt was short, and I said it is not, and she said I am not allowed entry.

(Looking back I could see why she didn't allow me in)

She couldn't find anything *technically* wrong with Eileen's tight black blouse and black pants, so Eileen was given access.

But Xiuling, who was supposed to be Eileen's sister coz only immediate families were allowed to enter, got exposed as she had to show her IC (with an obviously different surname).

With only one of our trio managing to go in, we decided to skip the whole thing together and go for Bubbletea instead. The camera with Eileen also took the worst photos of the century.

Mark my words:

URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Fat Eileen! With the Fendi hairband she lent me! Think all my lian-products were from her.

I forgot Eileen used to be so plump. Later I will show you her NOW photo.

1999-2000 (Sec 3/4):

When I showed Kenny this photo, his immediate reaction was, "What's up with this photo? Who is this guy?"

GUY? I AM NOT A GUY! Stupid blind Kenny!

I look damn horrible in short hair! This is what happened. I was in River Valley right, where they did not allow females to have long hair. The max we could grow it to was before it reached the collar.

It was in secondary 4 when I decided that since I am not going to EVER have short hair again after I leave RV and its stupid stifling rules, I am going to snip it very courageously short for once.

There the tresses went. I had a crew cut.

And here is the bad result.

Horrible hair and that horrible light blue blouse I always wore because Larry liked blue and I bought it for his viewing pleasures. (My hatred for blue maintained and possibly increased ten-fold because of Larry. I just had a peek into my wardrobe and realised I have like 7 blue tops among hundred of clothes.)

The little girl on my lap is Larry's younger sister. She is quite irritating. I mean, she can be cute lah (but girls being cute to girls just don't appeal), but most of the time she'd cry, plus I was obligated, as girlfriend, to teach her tuition.

I had to pretend I liked her last time. =( IF YOU ARE READING THIS LARRY, I ACTUALLY DON'T! I am still angry with her coz when we broke up I was devastated and I told her to ask Larry to come back to me or something, and I think she refused. Why?! I was nice to her ok! I bought her sweets and stuff! I remember!

Oh btw, Larry is the particular ex-boyfriend of mine, whose current girlfriend threw away my sec 4 diary and thus made me start blogging. Too bad for that hindsight-less bastard. He could have sold that thing for a lot of money now.

All of Xiaxue's innermost secrets for $100! The book that made her start blogging!

When Larry dumped me, I did not understand. I thought I was pretty good-looking, why did he let me go?

NOW I know. It was coz I looked like a boy.

And not any ol' boy, mind you.

Kenny sent me this:

Thank you very much ah, I don't think I look like him. Stupid Kenny even named the photo Wendytao.jpg.

Since some of you don't believe that I was from NCC in secondary school...

Tadah! In case you cannot recognise me, I am the ugly, pimply girl in the middle of the lower row.

How fugly was I man?! My pimples were at their peak performance then. And then I went tanning, and my scars are now all gone. Wonderful, that sun.

2001-2003 (Poly days):

CHECK OUT FAT SHUYIN AND FAT WEILI!!! All my friends were once fat lah! I don't know what he was trying to do in that picture, like trying to come out with some super power. Quite cool ah the effect!

Finally, photographic evidence. You have read about him (and his, erm, wiggly things) in the archives, but Sony Imagestation saved him by cocking up my archive's photos.

Here he is, my ex-boyfriend Jonathan.

I think he very poor thing. There is a cow sitting on his spindly legs!! Oops! The cow is me! Look at that seventies make up! What was I thinking? Damn I was one fatass.

If I saw myself, I'd have slapped myself senseless and hollered: "Pluck those eyebrows girl!"

I can't believe I wore that shimmery glittery pink top to SP. *gasp*

And finally, to all the detractors who say I am fat....

This is the photo of your dreams. So you can mock me all you want, laugh at the fats surrounding my armpits, and even poke my face in your monitor if it makes you happy:

Living proof that chips make you fat.

And now that Eileen has stopped bingeing on her twinkles, she looks splendid.

With a mosaic-ed Xiuling coz I think she wouldn't like this. Of course, Eileen, due to malnutrition, fell down a well and hurt her shin. Just kidding, she was actually abused by her boyfriend. Nah! She scratch mosquito bite? Hiyah I actually don't know why got one scar there lah!

Skinny now ah!? As is Weili and Shuyin hor?

Oh, and me too. =) Definitely not so fat anymore!