Because I am being invited to go on the cover of a certain magazine, for the past month (the shoot was delayed) I have been on a frenzy to lose weight so that I will look my best, as you are not invited to grace mag covers everyday. Well ok, maybe for some people they are, but most certainly not me.
Now don't you men reading this give me the "Oh, it's just one of those stupid girls dieting again" look. I have NEVER dieted (nor tried to lose weight) in my entire life before the past 1 month, thus explaining the accumulated fats around my earlobes.
And seriously, screw being skinny. It is impossible to lose weight at all in Singapore.
We all, know, besides the cheating ways like popping liver-splintering pills or liposuction, there are only two ways to get slimmer.
You either exercise or diet (by eating little or none, or eating healthy food).
Fuck dieting. In Singapore, everywhere you go there is food. I have came to realise that I hate any kind of food that is non-fat. Screw celeries! I hate them. Yucks to yogurt. I love creamy pastas. I love anything deep-fried. Even when I eat salads (which I do not enjoy), I want loads of mayo on it.
I maintained eating only apples for two days and now I hate apples with a vengence. When I see an apple I want to smack it really hard. Then stab it with a fondue fork and throw it away like you would throw a javelin (after taking out the fork as the fork in my imagination is fairly expensive).
Wherever I go, food beckons. "Hello Wendy, come eat me, I am delicious!" the food says in a squeaky voice while wafting smells to my dilating nostrils. ROAR! I cannot help but devour it up.
I call Eekean up at night to meet up. I realise I don't have an excuse to meet her if it is not for supper (which is the real reason why I wanna meet her anyway, because of food). I tell myself I will cheat her into going but not eat when she eats. And there you go! WHO CAN RESIST MILO DINOSAUR AND CHEESE PRATA YOU TELL ME? WHO?!
I have also came to realise that food is my inspiration in life. Without food to propel me, I cannot survive. Life has lost its lustre and is now lacklustre. I don't know how celebrities like Jacelyn Tay (apparently she is vegan and enjoys her veggies) can continue living such an unmeaningful life without foie gras, without do-and-me chicken wings, without chilli crabs. How utterly superficial her life must be!
I WANT FOOD! Chao Tuppy eats like a retired supermodel. Although she has offered to go on veggies and fruits together with me, I cannot take it anyway and binge.
It is such a miserable existance you know! Now, even when I give in to those strong craving pangs and - god forbid - buy a packet of Ruffles, (the culprit to US being a fatty nation), YOU KNOW WHAT I DO??
I FUCKING CHECK THE AMOUNT OF SATURATED FAT INSIDE! (Just for your information and a nugget of trivia, the ORIGINAL favour is actually fatter than the chedder favour with fats being 16g and 15g respectively) HOW LOSERISH IS THAT?
But never mind. Whenever I binge, I tell myself I will work it out that night by doing vigorous exercise. When I say vigorous exercise, I would like to think it is sex, but unfortunately for me currently there is no one to provide that.
Exercise is the MOST SUCKY THING IN THE WORLD EVER. I fucking hate it. (Except sex) People who like it are a little mental - people who do it for a living are deranged.
People who break their knees for it ... Is there a word for more crazy than deranged?
Whenever people ask me to go play sports, ie jogging, badminton, squash etc, I always say NO because sports make you have sweaty genitalia, and what am I to do if a handsome young man comes up to me after a jog and offers to provide cunninlingus? Do I go like, "Sorry, I'd love to, but I cannot, as my vulva is sweaty now"?
A joke a joke, of course I pretend to be a nice decent lady and slap his face, but taking his number down all the same.
But yes. I have decided to start on exercising. I thought just doing leg lifts and that sort of thing will make you lose weight, but Weili and Tuppy scolded me and said that is not true. The only way, they say, is to do CARDIO.
CARDIO CARDIO! Cardio means, according to Weili, the kind of exercise that will make your heart pom pom tiao. I wanted to ask him if getting a big fright counts but he was very impatient with me as I was also eating an oily piece of drumstick as I asked him how to lose weight.
Cardio means jogging. I have been jogging. And swimming. And hoola-hooping, if that is significant at all. (The word is purple because my hoop is purple!)
Once again, I shall stress how impossible it is to jog in Singapore.
Now, for the past 7 years since secondary school, I have not jogged. My thighs are so chockful of stubborn fats that if you poke them with a pin, the fats will squirt out and hit you squarely in the eye.
So yes, I tried jogging, because I have asked a lot of people (people like Ping Hui and Eileen Wee because celebrities know) and they all say its the way to lose weight.
I tried jogging to Eekean's house (Teban to West Coast) and I managed to do that by walking halfway. Then I went to raid her fringe and binged. -_-
2nd jog I jogged back from Eileen (Tan)'s house (Bukit Batok West to Teban) and was doing pretty well, when I got hit by an acute stomachache and almost died there beside the Jurong library, feeling also a terrible urge to take a shit.
The stomachache was staged by the lazy muscles I have, because it immediately eased up after I got on a cab. -_-
Oh yeah, I also tripped on a tree root and fell down.
We all know I am a delicate shade of white below my golden tan, and that is what is left on my knee cap after it healed. Thanks. I am now fat as well as dreadfully colourful.
So my 3rd jog was just now, and Weili said you must do cardio for 45 minutes at minimum so that your fats will be burnt.
I told myself I am better than that and will jog for 1 hour, around Pandan Reservior, at freaking 1.15am.
I started jogging and suddenly I remembered the chao Weili tell me that got this Teban GHOST which hops from tree to tree at Pandan reservior. GOOD GRACIOUS ME NOW HUNGRY GHOST FESTIVAL. Startled, I mentally cursed Weili but I checked and the ghost was not hopping on the tree near me.
If it helped, I got a big fright and my heart beat fast, meaning I did cardio.
I freaked out and jogged down the nearest stairs to the road, while waving my hands like a mad woman.
Ten minutes in the jog, a stitch started to form. I tried to continue jogging while clutching my rib, but I am sorry to say I don't have the determination of Terry Fox. I am just fat lumpy Xiaxue.
So I walked. I tried to brisk walk. I started to feel an severe itch on my buttocks and thighs, and this is due to bad blood circulation or something. With the stitch and itch (wow, it rhymes!!) working hand in hand, I cannot jog anymore.
I tried to tell myself I have to go on if I want to be skinny, but guess what?
I saw a bus ad, AND IT IS MOCKING ME! It is bioessence's SLIMMING GEL AND AILEEN TAN SHOWING ME HER FAB BODY!
Kaninahia! Limpeh jogging like a pig you tell me to take shortcut, how can?!
As if these are not enough reasons for me to stop jogging, every five minutes a taxi drives pass REALLY SLOWLY, BECKONING ME TO HOP IN.
LAO NIANG IS FAT, LET ME JOG IN PEACE CAN?!
But cannot. These taxi drivers and cheebye slimming ads have to do this to me.
Feeling utterly dejected, I walked the remaining journey home and here I am!
Well, I am giving up right now. The shoot is on Tuesday, and I am going to my cancelled (due to the haze) KL trip on Friday till Sunday.
KL LEH, HOW TO DONT EAT!
I also tried using Bioessense (on face) and biotherm (on tummy) but both don't seem to be working very well leh... $30 and $60 leh... Sian.
HOW? If you know any good method of slimming down (besides dieting and exercising), tell me, or I think I will do one of the following:
1) Puke after binging.
2) Take a piece of Cloudy's shit (smelliest thing in the world I tell you) and sniff it everytime I have an appetite.
3) Introduce tapeworm into digestive system. Make it two worms.
4) Cut my tongue out.
5) Consume laxatives.
OH WAIT. Are you one of those slimming companies? CAN YOU PLEASE ENDORSE ME?? PLEASE PLEASE??
LIKE NOW? Email me yeah?