Monday, January 30, 2006

Happy Chinese New Year



I'll blog more tonight, I was so damn exhausted! Cleaned the house till 7am on chu xi, and woke up at 830am. Damn.

So today, chu er, I overslept and now am very late for going to my auntie's, where I am missing some serious mahjonging sessions.

I've gotta rush. My grandpa is very funny, he is so grumpy he swatted my cousin when she took his bak kwa to eat.


OK, laters. Auntie angry.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

My daughter Taittinger

Yesterday I went to MoS (yes again) with June, Kelvin and Kit, and I decided to call my daughter Taittinger, after MoS's uber VIP room the Taittinger Sky Lounge. I know I've said this before, but this time I stand firm in my resolution.


If I ever get married, of course.

Now, there is a problem. If I want a name like Taittinger, I cannot marry men with awful surnames coz Taittinger Neo just sounds damn wrong! It sounds like a loser chick, right?

Taittinger Gooi is damn bad, Taittinger Tang ok, and Taittinger Leong is fine too. Sad huh?

Or maybe I won't marry Chinese guys then, a French surname would be beautiful!

So anyway, as I was saying, my daughter will be Taittinger, and my son, I wanna call him Prestige.

I know most of you will be sniggering and saying it is the mercs cab's brand, but so what? If I am rich enough to be buay paiseh and call my son Prestige, I will buy over the bloody fleet of mercs cabs and rename them to something else. I don't know, some atas name, maybe Caviar or something.

Caviar cabs! :D

Damn cool ok?

I will then train Prestige and Taittinger to be both fucking elitist from young.

When people with an inferior social status speaks to Taittinger, she will gently lift her diamond encrusted hand and feign a yawn, saying slowly but loudly that she needs to rest and must not be disturbed/needs to go for horse-riding lessons now.

Her poodle hops along after her svelte frame sashays away. MUAHAHAHA!

And Prestige will be worse. Prestige will snub anyone who does not own a plane. People who make jokes about the ex mercs cab brand will be banished to Prestige's own jailhouse, which can hold up to 100 people captive.

Inside, they are all chained to the ground laying down and have water taps slowly dripping on their bare foreheads. That will teach them to tease my Prestige.

Ok I just decided. From now on, please do not call me Wendy anymore.


From this blog entry onwards, I want to be known as Taittinger Cheng Yan Yan the First.

I know there is no second YET, but when I get my daughter she will be second, ok?


Obviously not gonna happen. I don't think I will ever be so rich myself, and I don't think if I marry someone so rich he is gonna let me name the kids. Damn!

But I'm serious about the name Taittinger. You know how some people suddenly change their Christian names? I want to also! You better call me Taittinger from now on, I DON'T CARE.

I am also serious about wanting to learn how to play the piano!

That day, at Shuyin's place, I asked SY's friend Natalie to play Jay Chou's Ye Qu for us, and she plopped down on the chair and just played like that!!! *snaps fingers*


I think I might have even teared a bit. Yes me, Taittinger Cheng.

Playing the piano is so damn sexy!

I mean, there are many many things which are sexy, such as wearing a lacey g-string, or smelling nice, and whatever... Different people have different fetishes perferences.

And I think being able to play the piano ranks pretty damn high!

On a scale of ten perhaps:

1/10) Not farting, looking like you have no diseases

2/10) Great clean teeth

3/10) Cooking good food, having long fingers/legs.

4/10) Having great hair, wearing skimpy clothes, having a long tongue

5/10) Smelling great, staring seductively while being in a bikini

6/10) Roleplaying uniforms, coming out of the bath in a bathrobe

7/10) Being naked, playing the piano, forlicking in a bubble bath

8/10) Being able to deepthroat and demostrating it

9/10) You are a famous porn star

10/10) Being an elf

SEE? 7 out of a scale of 10!

I know, you musically inclined pianists will all be like, eh, you know Taittinger, you should learn how to play the piano for the love of music, and not just to be sexy.

Fuck music, I just wanna be sexy.

I already have waist-length hair cascading down my lovely waist (*ahem) and now I need to play the piano, ok? Together they add up to a full 11/10!

Who wants to teach me?? :D

So anyway, pictures:

From... Where else? From the heights of the Ministry of Sound Singapore, Ladies and Gentlemen...

The Taittinger Sky Lounge:

Kelvin left me and June alone to go downstairs to fetch someone, so we were both standing in Pure.

I was messaging a friend, and June was just standing beside me... While I messaged, a guy (quite ok-looking actually, and he sounded smart!) started talking to her (as usual) and after some time, he asked, "Do you girls wanna come to the Sky Lounge?

I looked up from my phone and nodded. Hahaha! Yes please!

I feel quite happy coz this guy doesn't know who I am so I can blog about him. I never had this feeling for a very long time already! I am not trying to hao lian, I am really feeling happy about this.

I remember I used to be able to write about my crushes and share secrets with my blogders, but nowadays, I can never do that anymore. :( They all read my blog.

So yes, that guy brought us in.

On the way out of Pure, we bumped into Kelvin, and he obviously asked where June and I were going, but naturally I don't think the guy hitting on June would want Kelvin to tag along, penis and all, so I told Kel, "We are going to the Sky lounge with this guy who hit on June!" and left only in time to hear Kelvin say "Fuckers!!"

Hahaha quite funny.

It rules to be girls. :D

A bit of anger is good for Kelvin. This will spur him to work harder and be the one bringing girls in in the future. Hor Kel??

Later on, I saw another friend inside who brought everyone in. The room is, erm, really quite atas one, you must be invited in by the management to go in...

So yes, the hit-on-June guy, let's call him Steve... I still have no idea who he is or what he does. He didn't follow up after the initial chat. We asked him what his job is, and he evasively said "I clean up."

Steve's champagne, the namesake of the room:

Is the make up nice? I was trying to create the Guess Models kinda look, with the big hair and leopard print stuff. :)

Literally a winged chair.

They serve macadamia nuts! I don't believe it. My favourite nuts! Waiter told me it costs like 15 cents per nut. I have no idea if he is kidding, but if he is not, then I ate a whole damn lot of money.

Sun-tanning and alcohol does not go well together.

June started to go siao and take many photos... Of everything.


Kelvin and me talking...

Her surroundings...

And finally, a damn chio photo of us! It is so nice, I made it my wallpaper! :D

All the pictures with me in it can be enlarged, all the better for you to see my ravishing beauty! Muahaha!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

A guide to getting your comments published

For the life of me I cannot understand why people who are ridiculously stupid can manage to apply for an internet connection, turn on the computer (while having it fixed up too!), perhaps enter a password, and then use a browser to log on to my website, and then leave comments.

To me, the steps seem pretty complicated, and I know that some readers have the mental abilities of a 7 year old. I don't know, would a 7 year old know how forms and hyperlinks work?

All these are very amazing to me.

Some I imagine to be so stupid, I sometimes get hit by a mental imagery of them walking over the edge of a very high cliff. BOOM! Off they go!

Like they are talking to their evil cousin or something, and the cousin goes like, "Eh, let's see how far u can walk backwards!" (which is towards the edge of the cliff of course) and the idiot goes like, "OK!" and he guffaws his underbite smile and promptly drops to his death.


Cousin: "Heeheehee")


When I am having such dreamy imageries I often find myself hanging precariously over dangerous spots but due to my superior intellect, I always manage to stop myself in time. The fact that Singapore doesn't really have cliffy edges help of course.

I mean, you don't really see much of the stupid comments on the comments link nowadays, because obviously I moderate comments.

I mentioned it a thousand times, but people still don't realise it.

So I wrote it where I thought everyone would see it:

This measure completely doesn't work.

Just today, I received a comment that went like this:
Xiaxue: My blog is so stupid! Oh my god, look at me, I think my blog is stupid! Hahaha!


This idiot obviously thought I would publish that comment, or she/he would not have spend time writing it to get deleted.

And that's why I always say I cannot fathom the way stupid people function. What makes them tick?

I was thinking about it, and I thought, well, you know how you sometimes tend to replace words you don't know with another word so that the sentence makes sense?

An example:

"I contemplated for a long time, and finally decided to go to Harvard instead of Oxford."

Now 'contemplated' in this sentence could mean... waited? pondered? or maybe even means pacing around repeatedly in a room.

I believe stupid people function the same way as normal people, except they are dumb right, so regardless of the whether the sentence makes sense finally, they replace it with their favourite word anyway.

The above statement might become:

"I breasts-ed for a long time, and finally decided to go to breasts instead of breasts."

(and proceed to wank)

Or the angry idiot would replace it with angry words.

"I killed my whole family for a long time, and finally decided to go to hell instead of heaven."

Of course, the word replacement gets them very upset indeed, so they proceed to scold the author in vehement tones.

Since my moderation sentence is relatively simple, I believe idiots do not understand what "moderated" means, and choose to do their typical replacement.

As you can imagine the statement wouldn't make much sense after their change.

Once and for all, stupid people, moderated means the comments have to be approved before they are published.

That means, anything that I don't like will be deleted before it even see the light of day, ok?

This also means you can stop wasting your time writing really stupid comments that go like, "Manboobs: I am a fat guy and I fucked Xiaxue. Last night. Many times."

I'll just go like "NO YOU DIDN'T! DIDN'T!!!!!!111" and viciously jab the delete button until your comment bursts.


What kinda comments get approved?

1) Do not spam.

If you overly promote your website, I delete. I don't like buay paiseh people.

Any comments that promote blogs I do not wish to promote will be promptly deleted too. :) I don't care even if you are on my side. I have too many comments to publish, and I won't waste my time editing away the links on your comment.

If detractors want traffic from me, they pay, like everyone else. Else, they can make me happy, and maybe I will link them. ;)

2) Do not accuse me.

Now people tend to misunderstand what I wrote, and then scold me according to what, in their warped perception, I did wrong.

For example, something like, "Please do not discriminate handicapped people. Do you know they are already having a lot of difficulties?"

Now I DO NOT discriminate handicapped people, and I never did, so even if the rest of your comment support me, it will be deleted. Reason? I don't want people to read your comment and ridiculously enough, believe that you said.

Fuck YOUR freedom of speech. My freedom of deleting is way more important. I'm not a fucking libertarian and I do not believe that the general public is capable of deciding for themselves what is right and what is wrong. Because the general public is stupid.

3) Do not impersonate.

Impersonating Kenny, Shuyin, Shan, whoever. Not gonna work.

4) Do not attempt to teach me how to live my life/how to blog.

I delete it not because it is a bad comment. I delete it just to irritate you, because I hate empty vessels and self-important bigots. When you are a successful person and your life is perfect, then you come and prove it to me (and not hide behind an anonymous mask), and I will approve your comment, ok?

Right now, just shut up.

5) Do not preach.

My blog is not a church. I do not believe in your religion, so I won't promote it here for you.

6) Do not insult my friends, family or dog.

Everytime you do that, I not only delete your comment, I also kick a random small animal. Now, how do you like that?

7) Do not be rude.

When I blog something offensive, say, wimpy guys, and you happen to be wimpy, remember, my blog entry was never personal. I didn't attack YOU, because I don't know who the fuck you are.

Therefore when you reply, do not launch personal attacks on me either.

Well you can, but it will be deleted.


Another thing I would like to admit here:

I sometimes approve mean comments, because I do think some are too stupid to be believed anyway, or because some are sincere constructive criticisms.

Now this person called Christian left a long, rude, mean comment some time ago, and uttered quite a lot of rubbish.

I approved it.

I think many people replied and argued with him there after, and of course, he wrote several long replies to all these people (all nonsensical, rude, and self-assuming).

I deleted them ALL!


Not because his replies were invalid or whatever, but because I am an internet bitch from hell, and because I CAN.

I love cheap thrills, and it makes me very happy to know that some of these haters get so boiling pissed when they are in turn the ones accused and now cannot even give the last word.

So yes people, I do that to people who are so determinded to find faults with me.

No need lar... this is my blog, and people see plenty of imperfections. I fart and lao sai too you know. I make mistakes too. :)

Take a rest, detractors, and stop giving yourself shit by leaving long, self-righteous comments. It only makes me (very) happy when I delete them.

Now let's see how many of you pass and manage to get your comments published. :)

Just a lot of photos

Shan's birthday at Balcony and MoS!

I took lotsa photos. :D

Happy birthday Shan Wee!

I don't know about you, but I think people who are tall should be disallowed to wear hats. It makes them even taller, and I think, whenever these tall people like, wear a hat, have spikey hair or wear heels, there should be an apt punishment.

Like making them walk on their knees for 2 weeks.

But anyway, Shan's party was hat themed. -_-

With his 1.9 frame you can see his hat bobbing around in a crowd from like 2,000,000 miles away.

Howard, as good friend, wore a hat as told.

Daphne and me

Tall people with hats, Shan and Christian. Grrr

Jeffy (guy with look of surprise) with Shane and his girlfriend.

Shan attempts to take a photo of me but I caught him first. :)

Clear view of nostrils. Looks clean.

I think long lashes on men are wasted. They should be given to me.

Yas is my favourite DJ, sorry Shan.

Daniel and Jaime. Jamie?
I have no idea which is the correct spelling coz fan sites say Jaime, and mediacorp says Jamie.

I like that bag!

Ding ding ding! Bdae boy makes speech!

People listen.

And off to MoS!

The famous queue

Had to buy a few bottles to get us all in!

Lijun, boyfriend, and me.

I have blonde arm hair, I really do! Haha

Jeffy and Angela

I know. But it's so artistic!

With Howard and his friends

Daphne from Cleo and Justin.

Howard's hat was kinda sweaty.

Shan looks pretty with my phone's dangly stuff.

Mikeller plus me.

I score!

Shan says, "Ok, kiss me!"

Take 1. "AGAIN, it's blur, Howard!"


Take 3! I SCORE!


I kissed Shan 3 times! Muahahaha! *evil laughter*

(Eh the other girl, Mikeller, is supposed to be kissing Shan too, but I have no idea she abandoned me.)

That's it!

I SCORE! Muahahahahaha did YOU kiss a cute guy today?


G Mask sponsored me a phone revamp!!

Just nice! I was JUST getting very frustrated with my phone (the pink razr) because so many people are using it nowadays.

So, they were asking me if I wanted a phone wrap, where you kinda put a plastic sheet over your phone to protect/beautify it, and I told them all I wanted was diamantes all over my phone.

Awww... You see, I was in Zouk quite a long time ago, and I saw this Hong Kong actress who was holding the V3... When she told out her phone, it was so bling bling it fucking blinded me.


Pink and white ones. So nice!

I asked her, "Hey, where did you get your phone done?" and she replied that she sent it to Japan.


I sian-ed totally coz that's obviously not something I can afford. I tried for months to find such a service in Singapore but no one provided it, so out of desperation, I stick the diamantes on myself with superglue:

January 14 2005, almost exactly one year ago!

It was quite bad coz the glue stained the diamantes and they all looked kinda blurrish. After like 2 weeks, they all dropped off. Bah!

So yes, I told G mask I only wanted diamonds right, and I was quite sure they would say, oh, we don't do that, but it happens that they do!

And they just started to do it too! Yay!

Damn nice right?!

The swarovski crystals are stuck on to a plain, colourless wrap, and then stuck on with super strong glue, so they won't ever drop off.

There were so many colours for the crystals and I was totally spoilt for choice. In the end, I chose dark pink with black crystals surrounding the front LCD.

The crystal "specialist" at G Mask, Angela, spent one whole day doing this! I know how it's like, coz I also stuck on my own diamantes, remember?

It is even prettier in real life than it looks on photos!

I AM SO HAPPY!!! It's like something I wanted for so long, and finally getting it! SHIOK! And free! Thanks G Mask!!

It is super nice! I heard from the guys there that I'm the third person in Singapore to get diamantes all over my phone. The first two were tai-tais. :)

If you also wanna do it, G Mask has an outlet (push cart sort as you see in the first photo) at Plaza Singapura's B1, and also a new outlet at Wisma, third level outside fila. :)

Prices range from $288 and above.


Friday, January 20, 2006

That one question

I was just thinking of this question the other day...

Although I don't believe any religion, I imagine that when I die, I will go up to this place, and it is kinda like immigration customs.

(The reason why it is up and not down is because the place is full of light in my imagination... So yes.)

Now a superior being, I shall, for convenience's sake, call him God, will be there, judging everyone about the life they lead before they are banished to hell, or promoted to heaven.

One by one people queue up for their turn, and God will be sitting there with this clipboard and a grouchy looking assistant beside him taking notes.

There you see? Just like that...!

You know, credible newspapers and all have said I'm racist (I was next Hitler, they imploded!), so in order to refute that once and for all, I have drawn God with an ambiguous brown-toned skin.

It is said that in time to come, every race will fuck every race, so we will all end up this colour.

You may once again argue that I am still racist because I drew the assistant as a black stickman, but take note that the inside of the head is the background colour... Meaning the assistant is, erm, actually transparent.

Some eagle-eyed critics might also argue that since God is wearing white, I am also racist. My explanation is that God's robes (or dress, depending on whether you think he is a woman or man) are made out of the seven colours of light combined ... aka white. Damn, what a cool answer I just gave.

But I digress.

So yes, the assistant and God is not the main point here. The main issue is the damn LCD screen.

Now, I believe that God has this damn good LCD screen, which is even better than Bang & Olufsen's. The one I saw in Hyatt's suite could swivel to wherever it detected movement from (presuming you are the one moving), and stop right there, facing you!

Which is great, but God's is even better.

Now this LCD screen is kinda like a pensieve (Harry Potter lingo), because while we humans have only learnt how to capture sound and sight, the LCD screen boardcasts those two, as well as taste, touch, and smell!

Now I believe that with this LCD screen, God, with that pink clipboard also double acting as a remote control, will play back to you all the times in your life you have sinned.

Now it may seem like a lot of bytes and thus holding up the queue, but remember he is God, so he is omnipotent and can serve many dead people at one time.

So with a little bit of fast forward, God will play back all the times you have cheated, lied, ate animals, masturbated, said God's name in vain, said God's name in vain WHILE masturbating etc etc.

It will be terribly embarrassing although you kinda think you won't see the assistant again, and God... well he already knows everything so what's there to be paiseh about in front of him?

Oh the good thing is, with the LCD screen you can also feel with all five senses what you felt while sinning. Muahahha all those big Os.

So yeah...

And then I kinda believe, that after God showed me all that I've sinned, he will then boom at me and tell me,

"Wendy, to err is human. This is how you have fared in life.

Now I will choose to put you in heaven or hell. As you know, I'm omnipotent and omniscient.

You can ask me one question, and I will answer you via my mighty LCD screen. What is it you want to know?"

Now I presume that this single question cannot be begging God to put you in heaven (or hell, if you are into that sort), but you can ask anything else.

It won't affect whether you go to Hell or Heaven.

It won't change anything. (Ie you can't ask God, "Can you give us world peace?" God will just say no and your question will be wasted)

We also presume that the people you meet in Heaven or Hell will also have gone through this too, so the wiser choice will be to not ask philosophical, non-personal questions coz it is likely someone else did already and you can just ask the general public in whatever section you go to.

Like, Did the chicken or the egg come first? Someone is bound to have already asked that.

Questions you can ask...

For example,

"That time my wallet got stolen in school. Who was the bastard who did it?"


"I saw my best friend's shoes outside my girlfriend's house, but they claimed to be repairing the computer. Did they betray me?"


"Were the votes rigged in Singapore Idol?"

etc etc questions... A thing that you have always wanted to know but never had the chance to.

I've always settled on my one question, but as new affairs pop up I keep changing my questions... I am scared I die soon and have no question to ask, and God will forfeit my chance coz I think too long. :(

Maybe I will ask him to show me my funeral or something.

Oh, how morbid.

What would YOUR one question to God be?